hum hum ho

Hmmmm....

We used to talk a lot but today, you're silent
Why?
Are you forsaking me?
Are you going to leave me,
lost and confused?

Yup, im talking to myself again. My alter ego has left me to fend for myself. Alone. No ideas or words of wisdom, not even a goodbye or a sneer. She's walked away many times before but with ideas which saved me from all this shit. Now im stuck in the muck and there she goes, running of to La La Land. Without me. Damn it. Thanks a lot, di.

Yeah, yeah, i know im sick, talking to myself... but it beats stuffing my face with food right??

bebebebe

Strangeways,here we come

Yup, i know its lame but the Smiths album title just sums up the beginning of the end. Checked my grades and not surprisingly, i got d+ for all the 3 modules. Hmmm..what do you think of that? Am i sad? No, im a bit disappointed actually, with myself.

Submission is next tues at 3 pm. Nice. That's all i can say. Presentation panels, so it means i've got to render by hand. F. I knew i shouldn't have gone for the kendarat on sunday. Im still jaded.

Strange, real strange. The end is near but still im asking myself if this is what i really want. Am i really happy, wait, let me rephrase that, am i satisfied with the direction that im going (which direction???)? Im spacing out when its obvious that im running out of time. So what's wrong?

By the way, I dont know why i keep thinking of London. What's so great about it? I think Barcelona is better... hehe

sleepy

Sleepy. Very,very sleepy.

and the end is very,very near.

HAIZzzzzzz.......

hm

Monday, 4 Dec, 8 pm

Its funny how you can feel detached from this world even when you are in a crowded place. Like all the bustling and the incessant chatter all around is just a blur, a noisy blur. You walk back home, not out of your own free will but because your feet has been programmed to go back home. Your mind zooms in and out, out of where? Scan through the crowd. People walking and talking, but it does not make sense. Stand there and wait. Zoom out and they are just clusters of noise and rubbish. Stand there and smile, you creep.

9.40 pm

Yawn.. Yes Im very sleepy. I cant believe that I’m doing my cad dwgs, at home, on the computer. Whats the big deal right? Well, its been two whole months since Ive done school work on the computer, thats why. Laziness has spread to my bones and brains. My mind is telling me to get off the computer and watch tv. Need.. To.. Watch.. MTV.. Finally, project runway is on. Ciao.

soad

QUESTION!

Sweet berries ready for two

Ghosts are no different than you

Ghosts are now waiting for you

Are you

Are you dreaming
Dreaming the night

Dreaming all right
Do we, do we know

When we fly

When we, when we go

Do we die

These are just chunks of soad's song, question. Betcha the words will still be ringing in my ears when i work tomorrow. I guess my boss is back from wherever she's been.Heard from cherry that she's gone blond...Ooooh...i cant imagine how she looks like...

Another stamping session at 4pm (i guess) by lehn. I hate it. I haven't completed my elevations and my plan still looks weird. So much to do and i feel lost. There's the ceiling treatment, the lighting, the curtains...etc,etc...HAIZzzzzz.....someone kill me now...no, i take that back...

Cheh, i've nothing else to write about...im not going to 'wallow in self pity' (a quote from a friend of mine) like someone i know..hehe. I'd rather sleep and dream of LaLa Land.Ciao.

P.S: arsenal vs bolton(i think) sat nite at 10 plus...i-must-remember...

Bambi??

Cant believe it.Took the which-disney-character-are-you test and i end up getting Bambi??? Man, they've gotta be kidding.

Anyway, looked for Lela with ain last sat. Found out she had moved to Woodlands, and she didn't even tell us!!! I dont know whether to feel sad or pissed off. It's like our friendship doesn't mean anything to her. Dayah would be sad to hear the news. So, tell me, how am i suppose to find a friend who's gone MIA for like,3 years?

So, our plan to ask Lela to join us go jalan2 backfired. We had to lepak at starbucks for 1 hour, drinking coffee and just chatting until 2.20. Trust ain to choose the wrong time to catch a movie...by 2.15, both of us felt like peeing.

We watched Harry Potter. The commercials went on for 10 mins...damn..the movie was nice and there's loads of surprises but it's a bit of a disappointment. The World Quidditch match was only a few mins and the last part of the triwizard tournament, which they had to find the cup in the maze was too short. Where's the sphinx? Where's the large spider? Where did all the action parts go? Haiz...you should never expect too much from a movie..i've learnt my lesson..

uniforms

We're suppose to design uniforms and all that stuff for the restaurant. And im like, what the hell?

Oops...sorry, forgot to say hi cos i havent been writing since...when ar?

Anyway, im soo hating this identity thingy for the restaurant. This chair looks nice, that table looks cool but in the end i'll be right where i started but with loads of images in my mind. So help me God.

...................

Yeah, im spacing out to La La Land.. Bored lah.Cant even do my rhino cos the cad dwg that i imported is corrupted.Blahdy fark. I shuld just jump out of the window with the farking computer.

And right now, Nirvana's song,been a son, keeps on playing in my mind. Yes i agree, i should've been a son. Dont get me wrong, im not a you know what. Im straight. As if people care.

Norain is crapping beside me. Selenge lah die. Now we're waiting in studio until 2 for the stupid crash course for rabid?,rabbit?, who gives a f***.

The pictures above are form the kl trip. My skin is sooo dark...haiz...

half day

It's half day today and i dont know why i even bothered to come to school. Sab just told norain on the phone that the flip ppl are going to take our chair on 7 nov,which is like next monday. What the hell seh! We dont even have time to make any changes. So i guess we'll just have to leave it to fate then. Just hope that the judges are really, really super thin, so that they wont break our chair when they sit on it.

Tomorrow is Hari Raya. Yeah...im finally a bit thinner..but norain says i still look the same..Damn. Anyway,am i excited for tomorrow?Hmm, not really. Im just pleased that i managed not to potong puase despite all the cobaan and godaan. Oh yar, i ate lemang yesterday night. It was the 1st time and it definitely wont be the last. Yummy..

So i wanna wish all the muslims out there a Selamat Hari Raya, maaf zahir batin. Happy holiday (note the absence of s in holiday) I bet this year's raya is going to be suckier than last year's, for me lah...Ciao

----

'Wow.'

That kinda sums up the KL trip. but there's one thing that pisses me off. The long bus rides. Man, i kept getting braindead after every bus ride that we took. Norain's fingers must have been itching to throw me overboard (thank god for the unopenable windows) because i kept babbling nonsense to her and reiterating the fact that i was bored, i cant sleep and that my butt was sleeping. Hahaha.

Oh yar, our chair got shortlisted. Norain got a call from the Flip people i think, who told us the great news. I was so shocked that it didn't sink in until after a few seconds. then we congratulated each other. Weird, we didn't think we wolud be shortlisted. Anway, i think im going to write in my journal, my net connection is like f. Ciao

bad day

im dying because of work. They expect me to know everything and do everything.Hey, im still a kid. So, %&$&^% off you crazy adults. Money minded assholes....

Anyway, nirain and i are struggling with the chair. Hope we can make it. Wish us luck man.

We have to go and buy nails and industrial glue for the chair. Ciao

bb

29 sept, 6 pm, Thursday

I had a haircut. Alone. I would usually ask someone to accompany me but this time, there was no one. It was ok except for the fact that I got the same response every time I want a very short haircut, “No, no cannot. You have natural curl, later your hair will curl, not nice”. God, doesn’t everyone’s hair curl after a haircut? YES. Man, I swear to you, they’ve had a hairdresser cabinet member’s meeting and they’ve come to an agreement that I’m the main target for this kind of ‘natural curl’ excuse. Damn it. And the haircut is a typical one. Haiz, I just have to live with it then, never mind, my hair will grow.

Anyway, went to school to watch marinah and colleen’s crit. That and to meet bapak to tell him about our ideas for the chair. The dude told me that he would be free close to noon but then he came into the studio at around 2 plus. Ooh nice. I would have screamed at him if not for the fact that he gave me 2 cds to listen to. Hehe, I’m a sucker for music. As usual, he brought me Morrissey and the stone roses which he said is classic. I don’t know why he keeps doing this. Is it to make fun of my love towards rock music or is there a deeper philosophical meaning to the songs that he wants me to find out? I guess I’ll never know. But really, I’m glad he lent me his Radiohead cds. Radiohead is soo cool. Oh yar, I finally got to listen to Creep. At last, after 2 long years, I finally get to listen to the song. It’s so beautiful. I think secretly, all of us feel that way too, the need to be special and beautiful. I feel like a weirdo sometimes but how do you really define weird at this point in life when people are eating worms and all that shit in fear factor? So I’m not weird after all. You’re not giving justice to all the weirdo’s in the world by calling me a weirdo. Weirdo’s are cool you know, which I am definitely not.

Anyway, the ideas that adeq and I had for the chair project are to leave imprints on the chair, to cut and assemble the chair so that it looks senget or something. I have to give credit to adeq for coming out with most of the ideas. As usual, she is always full of ideas. Bapak burst our bubble by saying that we won’t win if we carry on with our ideas. Well, realistically, I have to agree with him. Those people judge on how the chair can be marketed and not how arty farty it looks. Anyway, I didn’t count on winning, I joined it to forget about t3 for awhile. Which is impossible because it’s still haunting me.

I have listened to phantom planet’s cd. God, track 6 and 7, which is ‘In our darkest hour’ and ‘Turn, smile shift repeat’, is soooo nice. Track 7 sounds like radiohead’s type of music while track 6 is so weird but catchy. Don’t get me started on Nirvana’s cd. So honest, raw and full of energy is Kurt’s voice. Makes it hard to believe that he’s died. Isn’t it sad to be giving up life so easily when all of us know that life is still beautiful, in spite of all the shit that fucks up our life once in a while? Just think of it, we’ve been given the chance to live, make mistakes, love and die. Don’t you think it makes sense to make our short time living worthwhile? Maybe, Kurt has found it worthwhile, that’s why he’s left. Well, I don’t know, anyway, why am I crapping about life and all? I’ve got lots of work to do. Ciao.

aa

27 sept 6.20 pm, TUES

Lets set the record straight, I am not and I never will be a teachers pet. Lets hope that the two cikus got this message loud and clear (hint, hint, adeq and bro). The crit was so blah, blah, blah. Bapak was there regardless of my silent pleas and telepathic messages which went something like.. ‘No..please..’ Haiz, guess I’m not psychic after all. Damn it. So there I was, in front of everyone with absolutely nothing in my mind. To think that I spent the whole afternoon listening and taking down notes for my fellow mates and not learn something from it. Nice. I kept nodding my head like a fool to what Larry and bapak said, all the while sneaking glances at Lehning who was staring at me. God, it was so freaky, he looked as though he was about to kill me (hehe, I know I’m exaggerating at this point)

I could tell from the pained expression on his face that Larry didnt get what I said. Heck, I didnt either. It was all mambo jumbo, a farce I kept to refrain myself from kneeling on the floor and begging for mercy. Its so humiliating to be presenting a work which was fucked up from the very beginning. And to top it all up, Bapak was there to see me point a gun directly on my temples and fire the last bullet. Im such a disappointment to myself.

Have I written about the incident with Lehning? Well, it was freaky. I think I will just keep it to myself. No one would believe me, you will just say that I was hallucinating. Anyway, I still dont know why I dont like Larry. Maybe its his positivity (like suede song hehe) that makes me want to puke, that and his bloody smile. His smile is the one which you just want slap off his face. Its that mocking smile which says Hi loser. God, its so irritating. I might just end up in jail one day for strangling him. Haha, just imagine me wringing his neck like a maniac, and he will still be smiling eerily. Hahaha.. I will most probably end up in a mental institution for doing that. Hehe, I think Ive had enough of writing, I want to sit in a corner and laugh or sulk over the t3 project. Ciao.

wahhh

Bloody hell of a fuc*ing comp...everything's like shit.

blog again

Why?

Anyway,i've seen GSK.Nice.My fucking brilliant idea might just work out.

By the way,if mum founds out that i've been spewing out curses like a lullaby,she'll definitely wash my mouth with clorox.Ooookaayy..that's something im not looking forward to.

You know what?I thought of doing something just now.Well,it'll be nice if i can smoke when im sooo frustrated.No!!!I'd rather break stuff or scream my freaking head off than resorting to fill my lungs with that vile smoke.

Shut up,di!

Just shut the fuck up..

stuck again

Black star

The troubled words of a troubled mind

I try to understand what is eating you

I try to stay awake but its 58 hours since that I last slept with you

What are we coming to?

I just don't know anymore

Blame it on the black star

Blame it on the falling sky

Blame it on the satellite that beams me home

I get on the train and I just stand about now that I don't think of you

I keep falling over I keep passing out when I see a face like you

What am I coming to?

I'm gonna melt down

(Yeah,im blaming it on the fucking black star.Fuck.Are you reading the troubled words of my troubled mind right now?What do you think?Am i insane or am i just purposely wasting my time. I think i know the answer.)

Creep

When you were here before

Couldn't look you in the eye

You're just like an angel

Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather

In a beautiful world

I wish I was special

You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep

I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice when I'm not around

You're so fucking special

I wish I was special

(Finally,found the lyrics to radiohead's Kid A album. I love internet.Really.Am i the paranoid android?No,the concept went all wrong.Thank you junxian,teng2 and Ct, for bursting the comfort bubble that i was hiding in. Now, to search for another one of my fucking brilliant ideas before GSK come trotting in.Ok,he's in the house.And im sooo scared.Because the truth will be revealed.Im going to die a horrible death.See you guys in fucking hell.Adios amigos.

Dying

I've realised that i have been hibernating, or actually i have been forcing my brain to hibernate. Its beginning to sound pathetic but im succumbing to all this shittiness. Why? No concept and NO, i will not end up like designer guys(i'd like to end up on steven sabados' lap though,hehe)
Anyway, i will not say that im desperate, because im not.

Failed Recollections Of A Fool

i couldn't be everything that you want me to be

i must have tried but i can't quite recall it

i couldn't be everything when there's nothing in me

i must have tried but now i'm tired and empty

where did i leave my head

where did i leave you

when have i ever said

"where did i leave you"

i couldn't be someone that i've never been

i must have tried but then i'm just an imitation

i couldn't be perfect

not when i'm so forgetful can i

i must have denied

all my inklings of madness

you must have seen when the daylight comes in that i'm still blind with unreason

you must have seen clearly you have and now you run from me

away from me

when i couldn't be

i'll never be

where did i leave my head

where did i leave you

when have i ever said

"where did i leave you"

oh i forget

Ok, this is a beeuutiful song by the Observatory.

i'd better do model now.

i'd better get moving

ciao.

beep,beep

So, what's life but a mindless search for your true being, your true self, your soulmate and complete perfection in everything you're doing. Who am i kidding? We're humans, nobody's perfect. And we're insatiable, whether its for food, glory or money. Yes, especially money. Right now, who cares about you if you dont have money? Well, some and i repeat some nice people would. Who cares whether the grey matter in your head is working, is thinking of ways to make the world a better place(yar rite) unless you look good, as in sexy, naughty, bitchy...(picture tata young dancing in the background).
Anyway, the search for concept has left my throat sore and my head heavy, full of unnecessary defiant thoughts and stale daydreams. Im still nowhere adn i have nothing inmy mind and in my stomach. Im hungry. Arrgh...Ciao..

Tuesday again...

So, i pissed my mum and ita yesterday till they did a synchronized slapping on me. Man, i was kind of shocked but then, it didn't hurt at all so...pissed them off again. What exactly did i do to them? Ahh, the usual, poking their arms and legs, at the same spot until they burst out screaming at me to stop being a cuckoo head. Hehe, couldn't help it lah. I was craving for chocolate, real bad.

Anyway, im kind of sleepy right now. Im so full after eating at Mac. Maybe they drugged our salt and pepper. Yawn, i'll try and get some sleep then..Ciao

Blasted comp

Norain adn her cake...too bad it wasnt banana chocolate mousse, i think.
I dont know why aimi has to enter the frame.Dammit...
Ok, i look ridiculous behind the pillar.
Hahaha, my prepaid's value is zero and dayah tried contacting me just now. Well, i have no mood to write much right now.I've just got pictures of the trip to acm and of Norain's birthday last friday. Oh yar, i have to pay them the cake money. Haiz...

Something

I don't know whether to feel happy or pissed off after getting this internet connection. One thing is for sure, im grateful. However, this grateful feeling diminishes every time the computer crashes after about 5 mins of surfing the net. WHY? Why does this happen to me? Maybe God is telling me that i dont deserve it. Maybe dad wasn't really sincere with this internet thingy. Maybe, argh, there's something wrong with this bloody comp lah. And im supposed to know how to fix it. Basket.

Anyway, PQM today was weird. I was shocked to see that SOMEONE was sitting at MY SPOT, which was the 1st seat from the right, on the 2nd row from the back. And it was GSK. Damn, he was about to nag at me for walking across to sit beside him when i said out loud that he was sitting at MY SPOT. Hah, he was like "Sorrylah, i didn't know". Lehning who was standing below at the comp, was smiling at my retort which was very loud because the lect theater wasn't even a quarter full at that time. Then, norain came and before she even had a chance to say anything, GSK told her that she doesn't need to scold him cos someone scolded him a lot just now. So, there we were with GSK, freezing and feeling lost as we weren't at our usual place. The only fun part was watching Lehning role playing as an architect and a designer. He looked like he lost a few screws up there, if you know what i mean.Ehehe...

Intech was BORING. Need i say more? TOD was, as always, full of Larry's anecdotes. That man talks as though he's gonna die if he stops talking. Oh yeah, there were pictures of nude protestors just now. 1 guy was staring at a nude girls' ass and smiling that perverted smile.Sicko. So i guess all of us are now prone to naked people, thanks to Larry and his sucky films. I definitely wouldn't be surprised or shocked if i saw someone stripping naked in public. Really. I just hope that they are not as hairy as the artist that Larry showed us just now. Eww..im gonna have hairy nightmares tonight. Hehehe..

Don't want to talk about design but it's driving me nuts, even though i don't look like im stressed, im actually panicking inside. You don't know the turmoil inside me. Eh, what the hell am i saying? Hmm...im missing someone. Haven't seen that person for a long time. Makes me wonder if that person remembers me. Haiz... klah, gotta let my sisters surf net now. Tomorrow's a big day as we have a surprise for Norain. Hope she likes it. By the way, I WANT TO GO FOR THE KL TRIP, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT TO GO. So, anyone willing to sponsor me? It's only 154 bucks, its not that much. Well, not for the rich assholes anyway!!! Ciao....

Bleah

Bored of life and just sick to death of design. No matter how hard i try to think of a concept or something related to this final year project, i just can't come up with anything. Its like what kant said about art as disinterested delight. Well, it's a bad analogy but it's all that i've got. I'm just not interested anymore,in forcing my brain juices to work.

You know what i really think?

Pure complacency, procrastination and CBB.

Cant Be Bothered!!!

Today's Malaysia's national day. I wonder when they will show the parade on tv... blocking is driving me insane, i've only got 1 and a half layout done and its not approved yet... im gonna die a terrible death this friday cos most probably they're going to have a pin up of the blocking and concepts. Argh... screw the farking concepts!!

Watched House last night. Don't you dare laugh but im beginning to fall in love with that cynical asshole. He thinks he's always right, well, he is right most of the time. I like the fact that he can say anything he wants with a straight face. I cant do that. My face has a mind of its own. I'ts just so used to automatically reacting to situations without waiting for me to think. Sheesh.. i sound as though i have no control over my face.

Time for me to mull over the blocking diagram now. Ciao

hate ur guts

I couldn’t sleep last night. I was afraid that I might have that nightmare again. This will sound silly but I have had nightmares of all my teeth falling out. All of it. And then my mouth was full of my broken tooth, lots of it, even my baby tooth. I could feel the sharp edges of my teeth at my bare gums and the taste of blood was so real. My mouth was so full of broken tooth that I had to spit some out but it still kept filling my mouth. I kept spitting and spitting it out but it still felt as though there were a thousand more tooth inside my mouth. Ugh, Im grinding my teeth now just to make sure its all intact. Ok, its intact.

So, ive got nothing else to write right now. I just want to say to someone out there that
“I HATE YOUR GUTS!!”.. That’s it then.Ciao.

what what what

This has been a week full of mishaps. I lost pictures of the metal staircase at chijmes and then i had to take a coffee shower yesterday afternoon. Haha..funny but i was sticky all over the whole day. It all happened so fast and i was so shocked, so much so that i just watched the coffee spilling all over my jeans, all the while thinking that it was just a hallucination. Nice. Then the rest made fun of me smelling of coffee. I dont think i'll be drinking any more coffee this week..
Seriously...

Anyway, i was very pissed off with my sister and my dad yesterday.They weren't helping with the net connection thingy at all. The best thing is my dad helped infuriate me by asking whether it can be used after every 10 mins.Bloody hell seh. And my sister, don't get me started on her, it would go on forever and ever.

So,Larry played a movie yesterday and you know what,it sucks. Big time. It was the suckies movie i've ever watched. Well, Tujuh Perhentian was the suckiest actually. So,gotta go to ACM now. Ciao

Ah fuck

Something nice happened to me today. Something wonderfully nice that it makes me grin from ear to ear.Went to Chijmes just now to take pictures of the metal staircase. Everything went fine until i reached school.Here comes the nice part,i was transferring the pix when this stupid message popped up saying that i cant copy the files because the parameter is incorrect.What the fuck seh.Then when i took out the card and insert it again, another beautiful message came out saying that the disk is not formatted.And i cant even open the file.Wonderful man.Went to arthur to ask for help and he said that most probably my card is spoilt.Nice.

So, i resorted to formatting the card.EVERYTHING IS GONE. I broke the news to kak yan just now. Thank god she didn't blow up at me. Well, she's not the type to blow up anyway but if my parents found out about this, i will never get to borrow anything from my cousins ever again. That's like being grounded for life!!

Anyway, now i have no picture to refer to when im drawing the details and section for intech. Fark. I guess i just have to rely on my memory, which is quite useless right now. Haiz...

Hmm,i think im going to go back home in a few minutes. I feel so pathetic right now. Is there a way that i can put entries that are hand written, i hate typing. Typing makes me lose all the ideas that i have in my mind. Writing is so liberating and intense because you can feel the emotions flowing from your writings.Its not only from what you wrote but how you wrote it. Cheh, i typing crap right now.Klah, im going back to the dark and mystical place that everyone calls home.Ciao.

Blah

ID sucks.Big time. And to top it all up, arsenal lost to chelsea due to stupid goal. Pathetic man..

oh, come on

Someone left the tap running this morning. I was half awake, still dreaming a nice dream(sigh...) but i could hear water rushing madly down the drain. I was like, "what the hell, can someone go and turn off the bloody tap." After about 15 mins or so( i have no idea actually, i was in La La Land for God's sake) of dreaming and still no one wants to wake up, I had to wake up and open my eyes to walk to the kitchen like some drunken asshole to turn off the tap. Bloody hell. Some one's gonna get a long, long nagging session from me today. Why does it always have to be only me who can hear water dripping or leaking in the middle of the night?

Anyway, im tired of going to the toilet. Everytime i sit and nurse my stomach, thoughts come flowing in and there's nothing i can do to stop it. Why is it that ideas come to me in an enclosed space but not when im at school or the library? Pathetic man. Oh yeah, before i forget, i was sitting in the toilet, looking up at the ceiling and the pipes when i remembered the pipes at the next block. This may sound weird and a bit crazy but the water pipes at the top of the flat next door looked so beautiful. Really, it was a month ago, at around 5 pm and i was watching tv when the pipes caught my eyes. Maybe it was the afternoon sun which hits the pipes at an angle or something but the pipes looked like a work of art. I don't know how to describe it, its just so....beautiful. Haha, what an achievement right? I have seen water pipes in a different light and it looked beautiful. I sound like a sicko.

Ok, im tired of typing, write in when i feel like it. Ciao.

K.I.L.L.

Never,ever,ever have thoughts of getting squashed up in the train like sardines. I did and it really happened. And then there's this big guy in front of me and lets just say he has that distinctive smell that big guys have. Im not ridiculing big guys here but i have big friends last time and they all have this distinctive scent, its true. God knows if i smell like a pig but nobody dares to tell me that. So? Do i smell like a pig? Tell me the truth!!!

Ignorance is bliss but no one ever said that the bliss is shortlived and that ignorance will get back at you. Im afraid that it will happen to me.This stupid model and work. Something might just screw up and i'll be in the middle of all this shit. Maybe im just paranoid but this happens all the time.

You must be wondering why i put kasabian's pic in here. Its my background music in the studio .

Tuesday

The Bravery's keyboardist..hehe
Model making sucks. I have a blister on my right thumb right now.Bloody hell seh. I haven't started on my roof yet. Where can i find time to do when the whole of saturday was burnt, working on the freaking templates with cherry.Then my sunday was burnt too, going back and forth my cousin's place, trying to mail the templates to my boss and shan. Then, yesterday i had to abandon my model making halfway to go and finish up the templates. Then....i missed watching america's next top model last night...damn....

My stomach hurts right now. Maybe i should pay a visit to the loo....or maybe...i should start on the freaking roof.Ciao.

Lost

Thursday, 10 mins to Lost

I guess im freaking bored waiting for Lost to start until I resorted to editing the stupid library report while listening to The Smiths. But wait, I can always find nirvana listening to The Used or MCR. This compels me to put in a quote by someone from this new book from the library..

..the design process is the art of joining intangible and tangible matters, the delineation
of the relation between ideal and real worlds..

And so? Well, the quote sounds beautiful but not as beautiful as the other part where it says about striving to transcend reality. Wow! Can we really do that? Transcend reality. I guess we can only do that in our dreams. But by designing these so called beautiful, conceptual spaces which for us makes people really feel and think, thats striving to transcend reality right?

Lost has started! I guess most probably I will blog again in 1 weeks time. It’s the semester break next week and I think I might be working. Haiz. Ciao.

Crit

Time: 10.40 am
Day: Crit Day

Guess what my background music is? The Smiths! Unbelievable right? I was clearly dissing this band yesterday much to the delight of Norain. Anyway, I forgot that one should never underestimate the power of music. Haha. So you should always, always listen to a new piece of music loudly, in order to get its essence. Really!

By the way, my presentation is today, which is after lunch right after Norain. Funny right and a stroke of good luck too because we dont have to wait for each other the whole day like we used to. To tell you the truth, I have a bad feeling about my crit. I am going to be shot down by Lehning. He will give that f up face and I will be at a lost for words. I must remind myself not to look at his face when im presenting later.

Shit! Its already 11, I have got to be going. Ciao.

The Smiths,aftermath

‘Where are we right now? Are we really sure that we are right where we want to be? Are we not stuck in some unknown dimension where this is not reality but just a mirror, a reverse of reality? The real question is, are we in Wonderland?’ –the corrupted journalist

It was like dejavu just now when I listened to The Smiths, ‘Strangeways, here we come’. It was the same feeling as when I first listened to The Cure. A mixture of glee and disbelief. Bro was laughing at me and saying that the music sucks. He even bought the cd. Actually, the music is not that bad lah, yeah, yeah, laugh at me if you want to. Maybe its just me but the lyrics are filled with sarcasm, a bit of anger and self reflection?

Submission has been pushed forward to Tuesday morning. I dont know whether to be relieved or excited. I dont even feel the stress. Maybe ive mentally immuned myself from stress. Hehe, yar right. Im tired but in actual fact, im lazy so I guess this means im already dead lah. Im like a dead girl walking. Haiz. Ciao

The smiths?

TIME AND DATE: Unknown
WHEREABOUTS: Definitely the subconscious
WHO: Corrupt journalist

“On the bus home, came and hit me, almost lost it. Munch must have felt it that way. A scream nearly erupted. Still had that bit of refrain, control or rather sanity left in me. It was in my throat and I almost let out a bloodcurdling scream to be exact. Now, why was that? Its not my fault im losing my mind. Alice said what? I said I dont know. Never mind, lets doze off, configure, regulate, short dream on fire safety.

Tell me why I cant be bothered?

Darkness surrounding, suddenly confronted by the banality of life.”

I wish you could see the state of my journal entry. On second thought I cant really call it a journal because there are quotes and stuff from the books that I read and also my design processes. So I will just call it my think tank.
Anyway, I even sketched out the drawing of the guy or Munch screaming. It looked funny instead of scary. Hehe. Well, what can you expect when I was practically drifting off to LaLa Land. There is one word which I still cant figure out. Fancy not being able to read your own handwriting yar? Silly me.
Im still hating my design and pretty much still pissed off over what papa said about me being helpless. WHATEVER!!! Im fasting and im trying very hard not to be typing profanities right now. Take a deep breath, di. Im slacking all the way, don’t ask me why. I seem to have misplaced my stash of pot and im sorry that I have these mood swings but really, my pot is missing. Hehehe.
Had a so called lunch with Dayah this afternoon. It was so much fun talking to her. Well, she did most of the talking but it still was fun. We talked about friends we met or havent met for a long time, what we are going to do after we graduate, our family and of course our dreams. She has a very interesting dream, wished she could open a clothes shop in Far East, because she wants to sell clothes to people who loves clothes like her. Hahaha, so typical of her. Oh, she wants to travel as well. So I told her my dream. My dream is to be able to travel and design. I would love to leave my designs everywhere I travel. For example, if I was to travel to Spain, I want to design a house or set up an installation or something. I just want to leave a piece of myself as I travel. But really, dreams are so, dreamy. It will never happen so I guess people dream just for fun right?
Im talking as though Ive lost hope or something. But if you think real hard, its not worth the time to be dreaming of something. If you dont get to achieve it, it will just be heartbreaking and emotionally draining. I just dont want to go through that, call me a chicken or cowardly but isnt it better if we dont have emotions? But without emotions, then there wont be all those great architecture by all those great architects for example the Pantheon. I wonder who built it?
Anyway, its almost time to break my fast. And ive got to finish up my model and drawings. Im soo hating every minute of my waking life. Ciao.

last time

Monday 27th June 8am

Is it just me but are some people just getting too bossy nowadays? Its just pissing me off.

Anyway, I have got nothing to comment about the news on yesterday’s paper so I’ll write about Arendt’s and Heidegger’s text.

Before I delve deeper into the minds of both writers, I just need to get this off my mind. Yesterday, Ita went to mak itam’s house to send some bubur lambuk. She said that mak itam told her the ball-less person (rude but its true, fyi, Ita didn’t call him that) came to mak itam’s house to talk or something. And what did he tell mak itam to tell my mum? Jangan ambik hati. Hahahaha, go and rot lah. Mum said to us that as long as that person doesn’t know how to control his wife, jangan harap dia dapat pijak rumah kita. Mum is still very angry, who wouldn’t? If I was mum, I would have gone to the whore’s house and strangled her to death. Ooh, I will kill her bloody whore of a daughter too. Ok, before this shit gets to me I think I’d start on Heidegger.

The text is very short, like what I was told, it was only 4 pages long. But it was tough for only a couple of hundred (or a thousand) words. As usual Heidegger goes into the simplifying of words, wait, I cant call it simplifying, its more like going back to its most original meaning. That’s the irritating stuff. Anyway, Art, space and sculpture are the main things that he talks about. One sentence sticks out like a sore tongue, “Sculpture would not deal with space.”

Zzzzzz.....

Im about to make the most toughest and life threatening decision of my life right now.

UN-name-able person: diana is going to commit suicide. HELP!!!!!!!!!!! but actually dont bother. She will revive back to life once she sees Faris. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yar right u un-name-able friend of mine....fancy saying that when you're raving and ranting over the absence of the old dude.Anyway i've decided to go back home in 10 mins time..which means that at home i'll be forcing myself to do model and to start on the cad dwgs...im tired and thirsty...

Now un-name-able is forcing me to quickly blog...that's so cruel...fine..i'll write in another time....
Ciao....

HOHOHO

i just want to say something... Ms Drew is very, very, boring. Hahahahaha... Really.

BRoke

Yeah well, im really,really broke man. Not to mention pissed off when one of our group members came late, again, and still don't know what to do. The funny thing is, she talk a lot when GSK came and she talk chim, as if she understood what she said in the first place. What the hell seh. Don't try to act smart lah. We know you don't know... Anyway, what ticks me off was when the general (can't name her because she'll say that im criticising,hehe) told her to sketch, she sat and stare at her paper and what she came up with was....haiz...better not say in case she has spies...hahaha..

So,the model making sucks and so was the pin up just now. I wish i could just snap my fingers and everything would be measured up for me to cut and paste..hehe..lazy seh...

Damn, its almost time to lock out...have fun doing model..i know im loving it,NOT! Ciao..

monday's insight

Thank god there is no school on Monday. I was beginning to feel that I’m dragging my feet to school. But really, its boring, frustrating and confusing at the same time. Anyway, let’s talk about what’s happened lately.

I’m sure everyone’s heard or seen the news about the China lady who’s been chopped up to pieces, stuffed inside green plastic bags and thrown into the Kallang river, if I’m not mistaken. That’s just plain cruel man. Just imagine the pain the parents of the deceased are going through. The murderer is sick and inhumane, and I think he’s crazy too. But, let me side track for a while, craziness is our primal instinct right? I think I read this somewhere (thus spoke zarathustra, I think) and it makes sense. We’re all crazy, lunatics, madmen, insane, etc, etc in reality. But at one point of time, someone started acting ‘normal’ and everyone followed suit, because it feels right or they just want to be with the in crowd. So, what’s considered not normal now is the craziness, the insanity and the madness when it was the norm a long, long time ago. You’ll be asking me what’s my point or what’s the moral of the story right now and I’ll say that we’re all crazy. Ok, it’s irrelevant to the story but just remember that we look insane to the madmen. So don’t go mocking and laughing at people with loose screws or lost marbles. They’re normal.

Another interesting topic would be the one about the nude blogger on Sunday’s newpaper. Hey, what’s the fuss over a teenager’s nude picture man? Can’t they see that she just wants cheap publicity? By reading the interview everyone knows that she’s an intellectual who, most probably, no one cares to listen to so puts up a nude photo of herself in the net so as to be seen and heard. So what if she says she’s a self confessed exhibitionist? That’s just a nicer term for pornography, babe. Have you no shame, you SPG blogger? I guess not. I bet she loves the attention the voyeurs are giving her. Yucks.

I know I have no right to criticize her since my blog contains explicit content but there’s always a better way to be heard. Not just through nude pictures. She’s an intellectual for god’s sake. She should know better than to lower herself to that level. Ahh, no one’s perfect. But on second thought, it’s her blog and she has the right to put in what ever shit she wants to. So, why the fuss? Let her be then, it’s not as if she’s creating an exhibitionist movement among the bloggers. Blogging is a private thing gone public and so the public should just shut the hell up and stop mocking other blogger’s entries. Do you like it if someone mocked your entries? Ok, I think I should shut up because I’m part of the public and what I’m doing now is mocking my fellow blogger. Damn, right back at you di…

By the way, I can’t help but feel that everyone’s against me. It’s just so pissing me off. I can’t say this, I can’t do that, I can’t write that, I shouldn’t eat that and I can’t think that way. Hey, what the hell seh? Why is it that everything I’m doing is wrong and everyone is right? Who gave you the right to judge me in the first place? You can do it but I can’t?
Look me in the eye and say that you’ve never done and will never do the things I did!!! It’s so irritating to know that people think they are superior to you and that they know everything. Does knowing everything make you a better person? I don’t think so.

Ok, so I’m being too sensitive but hey, don’t tell me you’re not. We’re humans, we have feelings. Try as you might to ignore the feelings, it’s still there dude. Just accept the fact that nobody’s perfect. And one more thing, why should I do the things that people do?! I mean, if someone jumped from the 11th floor, should I follow him/her? Or if someone skipped lecture, should I skip too? It’s so hard living this life. There’s no such thing as an individual anymore. We’re made to move and think in batches. Is that a good thing? Well, it is when you’re in the army or something but in real life… Haiz, I think I’ve had enough of crapping about life. I’m getting kind of hungry and the smell of chicken curry is so tempting so.., Ciao..

F up

I just finished amending the vivo city plan. Man, it was a pain in the ass because I forgot to bring back the soft copy of the amended version. I felt like an idiot seh. Well, im guessing everyone would be nodding their heads to the statement above.

Anyway, yesterday night was like the most fucked up day I could ever had. I won’t elaborate because it just makes my blood boil and I want to bash something or someone up. Im still very pissed off when I think about it. A family of ball-less man and whores are really, really going to get it. Not from me definitely but from God. May they fucking rot in hell man!!! Man, im soo pissed off.

Talking to Norain helped ease my anger, a bit (well, only 10% though). Hey Deq, hope you could keep my problem between us yar? And im sorry for the vast amount of profanities spitting out of my mouth in top speed. I couldn’t help it seh. If I was crazy I would have thrown the rubbish bin from the 3rd floor corridor or I would have stomped and kicked and maybe gnawed the bin. Thank god I have a bit of sanity left in me. I must have looked like a lunatic, crying and cursing with my arms waving in the air.

It was ironic, you know. It was just a few hours after praying to God for the wellbeing and for peace of mind for my family when the bloody @$%#$&^%& thing happened. I can take it if it was about me but when it concerns my family, then I curse back their fucking, satanic family. I feel like screaming my head off right now. If I ever saw them in public, I promise you I would slap their fucking faces and spit them on the face. If that’s not enough I would scream out to the public that they are a bunch of whores and pimps and even dogs won’t stop to sniff at them.

Ok, mengucap di. Aku betul-betul tak faham kenapa orang dengki sangat dengan family aku. We’re not rich in the first place. Why find fault with us? Kita tak berhutang dengan orang. Sakit hati betul lah bila difikirkan. Dari dulu sampai sekarang tak habis-habis nak menyusahkan orang lain. Kalau nak mampus, nak menyundal atau nak kena sondol dengan binatang, jangan nak babitkan orang lain. Just because kita ni bukan kaki gaduh, tak semestinya kita nak duduk diam saja bila orang nak aibkan kita. Haram jadah betul lah betina tu.

What saddens me is that that ball-less man is related to us. Kalau arwah nenek masih ada, tak jadi macam ni. I won’t forgive that bastard and that whore for breaking nenek’s heart when she depended on them. That was all in the past and I thought I could forget it but now that this has happened, jangan harap aku nak lupa. Sampai mati lah aku simpan dendam ni. I know, dendam dengan amarah boleh memakan diri but this is just too much. Just imagine if you went out to meet your friends and one of them slaps your face as a joke. You might (MIGHT) take it lightly at first but if that person does it again and again everytime you meet, don’t you just feel like shoving a sewer pipe through their asshole?
Hope you get what I mean when I say im really pissed off. No more crying for me. No more trusting your own relatives. So, think I’ll curse in my sleep then Ciao.

Morning

I overslept again.I just dont get it.I set my alarm to 6.15 but i went back to sleep again after i switched it off.This is frustrating.I have to break the habit before it gets worse.

Anyway, yesterday's gathering was oklah.I was quite shocked when Pak Ngah,who was at the door when i reached mak itam's house,suddenly gave me a hundred bucks to share with my sisters.I was like "What the Fuck...".But i didnt say that to him lah.So with the blur like sotong face,i thanked him and went inside to salam the rest of my aunts and uncles.There were not many people there.My Ayah,Pak Busu and Pak Andak's family were M.I.A.Kak mimi had to go off to work i guess.Mak itam kept telling me to eat,eat and eat while Mak Angah thought i just got back from work.Hehehe,they were having fun karaoke-ing,eh,is there such a word in the first place?

So,after eating and getting myself f*cking full,i went and sat with my mum and dad before being joined by my 3 sisters in just 5 seconds. We were like huddled in front of the speakers which were blasting off the music in our ears.Haha,what a sight man.It feels so nice to have the family so close together.So im a sucker for family gahterings like what norain said..hehe,well i cant help it cos it has always been about the family gatherings when we stayed in Bukit Batok and when my grandma was still alive.

It feels nice to have your sisters asking you whether you've eaten and talking to you about stuff,ahh shit, i gotta do work,write in later

CRIT??Yar rite?

Haha,norain's crapping in MALAY about appreciating God's gift or something.Sometimes i think she's a bit off,you know what i mean..

My presentation was over.It was lame because it was only 5 mins and what more can you talk on about merging corners?Anyway,i was too spaced out to elaborate more on the concept.

Getting kind of sleepy right now. Norain is sleeping at the corner,boh of us are drained out because of this stupid project.Think i'll have a little nap then..Ciao

Lovely Day

Haha...its a lovely day and i dont mean it.Its the blahdy 1st week of school and i still dont have a scheme, an idea generator, a concept yet.The intech and Tod lecturers are kind of cool.They have a different way of thinking and teaching and i think that's something good from this third year. Design studio sucks. No offense to Mr GSK but he keeps repeating things over and over and over and over...(you know what i mean). Anyway.its nice to be around people again.Its been a hell of a time in ITP. Not because of the workload or the boss but because there's no people of my kind to talk and crap around with.There's only the dog, the maid and the radio which is stubbornly stuck at the gold 90 fm channel.

Ahh..now lehning and GSK is just around the corner.Norain is whining and crying,begging that i would present my work before her(im exaggerating at this point yar).Lehning looks so dangerous. Like he might kill you anytime..hehe..i know,another exaggeration.Norain is scaring the hell out of me right now so i think i'd better join in the whining,the nervous laughter and the 'im so scared' anthem.Ciao babe.

Ahah

SO?!

That's what someone said to me just now. I don't know what to reply back so i said 'So?' back at her.

So?!

So, i don't know what to feel, hurt or angry. Actually, i felt confused. What did i do or say to get a 'so?!' which sounded pissed off and heck care.

Yar, im being mengada-ngada by saying all this but. Whatever lah.

I think should stop blogging from now on.

shit

09/03/05 Wednesday 12 am
So.. im feeling like shit today. Nothing new about this because I feel like shit everyday. But this is the shittiest feeling ever (not sure if this sentence is grammatically correct though). To elaborate more on this shitty feeling with my limited vocab, I feel demoralized, like a lowlife sum, pathetic and idiotic. Yup, this is all that I can think of right now. Sometimes when you think that you have achieved something, you suddenly realize that its nothing compared to what others have done. Its like realizing that the cd or some expensive stuff that you have just bought, is fake. You feel soo small, so inferior and idiotic for buying it in the first place, for trusting yourself.

So, like I said, as this is the shittiest feeling ever, I just feel like hiding in a small crevice (duh, crevices are small, Di) and staying there until my time is due. Too bad the bermuda triangle is so far away. If not, I could just go there and thats it, im gone forever.

This is a bad time for feeling like shit because this stupid retail project is coming to an end. Im going to have a difficult time fighting an internal battle. A battle between my positive side and my cynical side. I just feel that everything I have done is useless and that it makes no difference if I try harder because in the end it doesnt even matter. But my conscience says (hah, like I have one in the first place..) that im wasting my time not working my butt off. So, what you can expect from me this week is a brooding and temperamental me. Before anyone gets hurt, I would like to apologize just in case I happen to act like a bitch (which is most unlikely to happen).

I will be going for a job interview later with norain, wendy and Andrew. Im most confident, I can bet my 2 cents on it, that the three of them will get the job because they are so good. Im not praising ok, just stating the fact. Man, ive got no chance against the three of them. Haiz, so sad. Fine, I will sleep right now and dream of a horrible death. Ciao.


Why have you left me all over the floor
Struggling to pick up the fragments you’ve made
Blood stains everywhere
On everything I touched
Mixed with my tears, my fears and disgust
Why are you making the fragments again
Blissful in seeing me crawl on all fours
Screeching at me when im almost complete
Patching you up with my silence my string
Stomped on the fragments
I collapsed on the ground
You sneered and you laughed
You will never stop

07/03/05 Monday 9.30 pm
Yeah, so I have submitted my model. I finally gave up battling with the plastic strips. To tell you the truth, I actually wanted to submit it without the glass windows and the strips but then the old dude thwarted my ingenious plan. I didn’t feel like killing him just now. I just felt like dropping dead on the floor. I was so tired ok. I had only an hour of sleep. Hey, I almost wanted to burst into tears when he told me to do the glass windows. To control myself, I rubbed my eyes and looked away from the freaking model. Sigh. That was how tired I was.

I just bought Natasha Bedingfield’s cd. It was a 15 minute life threatening psychological war at the cd shop. It was either Natasha, Good Charlotte, Sheila On 7 or Suede. I should have taken Sheila on 7 lah. But this cd is ok. I bought it for the lyrics. I really look up to artists who make and write their own music. These people are so talented. How I wish I could have this talent, a bit will do lah, im not greedy. Ok, there is truth in the music and lyrics which are composed by the artists themselves. Yeah, that was what I was trying to say. Phew, glad I got it off my mind. Anyway, here is the truth to Natasha’s Unwritten. Beautiful right?

Unwritten
I am unwritten
Cant read my mind
Im undefined
Im just beginning
The pen’s in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you
Can not find
Reaching to something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release you inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else can
Speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines
We’ve been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I cant live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you
Can not find
Reaching to something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release you inhibitions

Chorus

I could just faint, or cry my eyes out. Watching Lp live at some big gig on Mtv was exhilarating. The thought of it just makes me want to scream. I know I have watched it several times before but man, its great to watch chester screaming his lungs out. I will definitely scream my lungs out if I ever get to be in a Lp gig. Yeah, yeah I will also be crying because life would be complete man. So, right now im watching Arsenal vs Portsmouth. Yar, what the hell am I doing watching tv when im suppose to be doing my model. Model making is stupid and it’s a total waste of my freaking time, not to mention money. I suck at making model and I dread the weeks that we’re suppose to dedicate to finishing up the model. I have yet to do my furniture and display cases. Oh yeah, not to forget the windows and the.. whatever else im suppose to do. Haha, such enthusiasm and pride for the model yar.. NOT.

Im having a headache, well, im trying to have a headache. I hate doing the model. Sometimes I feel like life is a big joke. Yeah, like why im in this course int eh first place. Ok, so arsenal won, 3-0. Shit, I still have to cut my plastic strips. So, I got an a fort he draft. It was kind of a surprise because I was aiming and expecting a b+. Im not really satisfied with the draft though, its still loose or raw. I feel like asking the old dude whether he was in a right state of mind when he marked my paper. He had proclaimed to everyone that he was livid after reading the drafts because some of them never put in referencing or something. Im very sleepy. Should I go to sleep? Or should I continue my model.

Man, life sucks and im stuck with it. This must be retribution for something I did last time. But I have always been a good girl. Have I? Hmm.. I cant really remember. But as far as im concerned, whining over life will not get me anywhere or anything. Everything happens for a reason right? Being in this course helps me to realize my potential right? I have discovered my weaknesses and strengths right? Cheh, tired seh of having these monologues and of doing the fu*king model. Its 2am now, fyi. So im thinking about life as Im cutting the stupid plastic. Thinking about what life will be like in 10 years time. Wondering why mum and dad are laughing at me behind my back just because I have to destroy the model after I slog my guts out trying to finish it up in time. Im trying to imagine myself somewhere far, far away from Singapore. And now im thinking about sleep. Ok, its 3 plus now. Time to sleep. Ciao.

Ring-a-ding-ding

What the hell!Im having a freaking stomachache right now and im going deaf.The music they're playing is so damn irritating.I purposely played Peter Pan just now, loudly, in return for them playing soppy,mellow chinese songs.Am i inconsiderate?Yes.So???

Anyway,im still struggling with the stupid model making.Bloody hell.have to do the furniture and finishes.

Crushed

Haiz.. im so sleepy and to tell you the truth I haven’t completed the dimension of the curves. Its so leceh to look for the centerpoint and all the rest. So I cheated and just did ¾ of it. My details are so simple. I don’t know what else to do. SIGH…

Norain!!! How could you tell everyone?? It was soo embarrassing.. I was blushing like hell seh.. Anyway, we nearly forgot to submit our theory draft. Luckily for us the kepo abel told us to submit it. I guess we got too carried away doing our 2d.. hehe. After I submitted the draft, the old dude came and said that I should have put in pictures. What the hell.. he should have told me earlier that it would be better to have pictures, because it will help him understand all the shit that I wrote. Never mind, I will do that for my essay.

I need to remind myself that I still have Plato’s Symposium, Chipp’s theory of modern Art and Zarathustra to read.. Why the hell did I borrow so many books? Why? And today we’re going to start on the model. SIGH!!! Another disgusting week where the cabinet’s cubby will be full of leftover cardboards, plastic and glue. It will be a gory scene I tell you. It will be the week where norain and I slog all day long and, eating lunch with the right hand and glueing cardboard with the left.. Yucks..

Nietzsche

“You must discover ten truths a day: otherwise you will seek truth in the night too, with your soul still hungry.
You must laugh and be cheerful ten times a day: or your stomach, that father of affliction, will disturb you in the night.”

These are the quotes from Nietzsche’s Zarathustra. It makes perfect sense doesn’t it? It’s happening to us right now. I mean, we can’t sleep knowing that there’s more to our design that we haven’t found. We can’t sleep because we’re so caught up in thinking, in finding the Truth of our design. I’m not sure if I’m phrasing my sentences right, I’m still thinking of my draft. See, I’m still searching for another truth. How to sleep well at night?

Laughing and being cheerful ten times a day? My God, I don’t think I can accomplish that. That’s why I’ve been having stomach cramps at night. Hmm.. but I think I can sleep well tonight because I smiled lot today. I saw Lehning this morning while I was on my way to the studio. He was sooo cute with his jacket, specs and that floppy fringe of his. I was smiling even as I walked into the studio. I even smiled alone while I was doing my draft. I just hope that Sri didn’t notice me grinning by myself (he was sitting at the opposite desk), it will look as though I’ve gone cuckoo. Norain was asking whether he makes my day better. Duh! That smile was so cute, how could I not feel happy, ahh.. I should have taken a picture of him when he was smiling just now. Damn. I missed an opportunity which was just once in a lifetime. Hope to see him again tomorrow.. hehehe.. for your info, I’m still grinning like an asshole right now. Ahh.. so cute..

Don’t mock me just because I like old guys. And don’t ever say that I flirt. This applies to you Norain. Old guys just look charming. For example, Sean Patrick Flannery, Lehning (hehehehe) and one of the ministers in Singapore. I can’t remember his name but he’s half Indian, half Chinese, he’s in charge of sports or something. Marc Anthony and Pierce Brosnan are charming too. Actually there’s more but I can’t remember right now.
Ok, enough of me gushing over old guys. I need to sleep. Just one more quote from Nietzsche which is very interesting.

“What is the greatest thing that you can experience? It is the hour of the great contempt. The hour in which even your happiness grows loathsome to you, and your reason and your virtue also.”

And maybe I'm crazy

but I just can't slow down

And maybe I'm crazy

but at least I'm still around

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

My neck hurts, a lot. My eyes, huh, its stinging man. Right now I’m listening to music full blast on my earphones. Im so pissed off with the dimensioning of the walls, it’s all over the place. It’s such a tedious task to look for the center point, the starting point of the wall and then the angle of it. The best thing is I’ve only done 1/3 of it. Sigh… Music. Yes, this keeps me sane. It not only motivates but inspires me. Yawn, ahh, no mood to write shit lah.. im gonna listen to some melancholic song cos im getting pissed off again.. Ciao.

Down

Sigh, I cant believe that I agreed to go to the stupid furniture talk thingy. It costs ten bucks and I think the rest of the cabinet members are not going. So its only me and norain. Damn it, the old dude looked so pathetic and desperate. If it bores me to death, the first person that I strangle will not be the speaker but the old dude himself.

Im having difficulty writing the draft. I know what I want to write but I just cant seem to get the right words on paper. Its so tough. And I haven’t even started thinking of what to write for Mies yet. Man, I’ve got no mood to do work today. I just want to sleep all day. Haiz, I feel like a sloth.

Down-Blink 182
The drops of rain they fall all over

This awkward silence makes me crazy

The glow inside burns light upon her

I'll try to kiss you if you let me

[this can't be the end]

Tidal waves they rip right through me

Tears from eyes worn cold and sad

Pick me up now, I need you so bad

Down down down down

Down down down down

It gets me so

Down down down down

Down down down down

It gets me so

Your vows of silence fall all over

The look in your eyes makes me crazy

I feel the darkness break upon her

I'll take you over if you let me

[You did this]

Tidal waves they rip right through me

Tears from eyes worn cold and sad

Pick me up now, I need you so bad.

Down down down down

Down down down down

It gets me so

Down down down down

Down down down down

It gets me so

5pm
I wish I could write beautiful lyrics. But I just don’t have the talent to do so. I guess you can’t force yourself to be something you’re not. Maybe, my expectations for myself are high. But I can’t help it if I keep dreaming of making it big some day. I can’t help it if I dream of being a journalist, writing about design or music for some newspaper or magazine. But really, who am I kidding? To top it all off my Malay is getting bad. It’s getting atrocious as I can’t seem to translate things from English to Malay as easily as I used to when I was in secondary school. I shudder at the thought of forgetting my own mother tongue language. Imagine me, not being able to speak in Malay anymore. Ok, I’m exaggerating, I’m getting paranoid and it’s getting hot in here.

Maybe reading Zarathustra will make me feel better?

Or should I continue my 2nd reading of Bellmer?

Should I do the dimensioning of my walls?

Hey, I’ve got a great idea. I should just watch tv or sleep and continue all this shit at night. And I don’t care if my bitchy 2nd sister gets pissed off. Who’s the elder sister anyway?

11pm
Man, I feel like shit. I feel stupid. I feel like nothing. Ok, im into my pissed off mode right now. Agh!!! Fu*k this stupid thing!!!! Ok, im going to scratch out profanities on my paper later and then tear it into small pieces before stepping on it and cursing out loud.. DAMN YOU FU*KIN’ RETAIL PROJECT!!! Now I feel like crying.. WHY ME??!! WHY??!!

clueless

Just another face in the crowd
Waiting
Patiently
Im slowly losing my mind
Withdrawing
Within me
That scream from somewhere
Where?
Inside?
Look at me
Look at me!!!
Can’t you see me?!

If I make it as a designer, the first thing I would do is to design a toilet cum study room. Not only will there be a toilet roll, there will also be a butter paper roll and a small shelve for stationery. There will be a desk that can be stored away by flipping it to the side and yes, a space for a laptop. This idea may sound ridiculous and absurd to you but it’s a brilliant idea to me. Why? The toilet is my source of inspiration. If norain says im her muse (which I don’t think its true), then the toilet is my definitely muse.. If it weren’t for the drawings and the text that I have to read, I would have definitely spent longer time thinking in the toilet. Wonderful poems and ideas were popping into my mind but as soon as I step out of the toilet, everything gets flushed away.. and I meant my ideas ok.. sheesh, you guys are disgusting.

Anyway, im having a hell of a time reading the text that the old dude gave me. “Representation and Sexuality”, nothing erotic about it other than the fact that the words subjectivity, masculine and feminine kept being reiterated in the text. My brain just cant seem to make sense of the long sentences, and I cant believe that there is such a word as complementarity. Such big words for a small person like me. I feel like dumping the text and not finishing it but that’s a cowardly deed. You should always finish what you start even though it bores you to death. No wonder the old dude always have long sentences in his brief. He has long since exposed himself to the overbearing theorists and philosophers who wants to explain everything in one sentence and that sentence has to be full of big words which seem to mean other stuff. Ok, that was just an example of how long a long sentence could be. Hehehe.. yes, yes, lame..

So does anybody know how to start the theory draft? Im clueless man. Really, for once I do not know what to write. Im really losing the writing spirit (as though I had one in the first place yar?). Haiz, fine, I’ll try to finish reading the text. Maybe after that I will get inspiration and then I will embark on a dangerous mission to fulfill the 1000 word quota for the theory draft without going insane. Don’t even dare to think that im insane right now. I mean it. Ciao..

feelin soo lazy

Haha..the schedule for this last 5 weeks of yr 2 is so cute.Why?!Because its bloody packed that's why!!Im gonna die of exhaustion,anxiety and not to mention gastric.Yesterday was like hell.I was practically rolling on the floor(well,the bed actually) because the gastric juices in my stomach were eating up my...stomachlah...God,it was so painful.Felt like screaming but all i could do was to scrunch myself up on the bed and i eventually fell asleep.

So,i talked to the old dude just now.Said that i've got lots of details to do and just gave me an idea on the seats for my project.Now im psyched to design some more.I think im gonna have fun doing the details.Yar rite...

This is another beautiful song.Doug robb is so irritatingly cute.The only turn off is that his goatee or stubble i think,reminds me of junxian...damn...

Disappear-hoobastank

There's a pain that sleeps inside
It sleeps with just one eye
And awakens the moment that you're near
Though I try to look away
The pain it still remains
Only leaving when you're next to me

Do you know,
that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away
So can you come and make them disappear
Make them disappear and we can stay

So I stand and look around
Distracted by the sounds
Of everyone and everything I see
And I search through every face
Without a single trace,
of the person
The person that I need

Do you know,
that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away
So can you come and make them disappear
Make them disappear and we can stay

Can you make them disappear?
Make them disappear

There's a pain that sleeps inside
Sleeps with just one eye
And awakens,
the moment that you're near
And I search through every face
Without a single trace,
of the person
The person that I need

Do you know, that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away
So can you come and make them disappear
Make them disappear and we can stay

the bad one

Yes. I know. Im THE BAD ONE. Im rude, crassy and insensitive to other peoples feelings. I have bad habits. Loads of it. I can never forget my bad habits because everyone keeps reminding me of it every single minute of my life.

5 BAD HABITS OF DIANA.R
1. Shouts, a lot
2. Curses, a lot
3. Whines, a lot
4. Corrects peoples mistakes, a lot
5. Gets pissed off, a lot

So, to you guys out there, even those who dont know me, you are cordially invited to add to this list. Add more so that I can rename the list to “101 Bad Habits of Diana.R”. Feel free to point out my bad habits as nobody will get hurt. Hey, I can even make a book out of it.

Im not mad or pissed right now. In fact, im happy that I got it off my chest. Im always ready to admit that im bad. Never mind the dangerous look on my face when you point my bad habits to me because it takes a while for the mind to register a comment.

So, do you think that im going to say that I don’t care? Hmm.. being a person who is famous for being insensitive, I think you’d have figured the answer for yourself.

The point of this blog entry is not about me dissing myself in the net. Im not trying to be sarcastic here. Im just pointing out the truth. The point is ‘Do you dare to admit your own mistakes and bad habits AND feel happy about it, no bad feelings whatsoever’ I just admitted mine. No bad feelings towards anyone and I dont feel pissed off. I just feel very tired. How long do you think I can keep putting up with these relentless bad-habits pointing? The weird thing is, im the only one with bad habits. Maybe my upbringing is not good or high class enough yar?

So in conclusion, im not wrong to say that life is a never-ending critique session. You get comments from strangers, lecturers, friends and even your parents (well, especially your parents). Oh yes, don’t forget to add to the list. Ciao.

aftermath

I just finished watching The Beatles anthology. It was nice but quite sad at the same time. Without John Lennon, the group wasn’t complete. Even though I don’t really know The Beatles that well and im not a fan, I find their music liberating and fresh. You should know by now that my favourite song is Michelle.. hehe. I feel that The Beatles music is so unique and there’s this certain aura surrounding it. Yeah, yeah, you will be saying ‘whatever’ right now..
I cant believe it but my shoulders are sun burnt. I forgot to put on sun screen lotion at the shoulder area where I pulled up my sleeve. Now its red, its so itchy and it has a burning sensation. This sucks but the picnic at Sentosa was fun. Too bad my legs didn’t tan. The sea was blueish green, the sun was shining brightly, the breeze was blowing at our faces and it was so beautiful. I could have just sat under a tree and wrote a poem. We set up the tent and we started eating the nasi sambal goreng that my aunt cooked for us. Then we quickly changed and jumped into the sea. It was so cold and refreshing. I don’t know why but I kept bending my fingers at the water’s edge as though it’s the edge of a cupboard or something solid. I felt so liberated and inspired. Kept speaking in chim malay to my cousins until they didn’t know what to say. They just went ‘Wah, da dapat inspirasi pat laut?’ Hehe..
Went to school’s library just now. Asked Marinah whether she was going and she didn’t reply. I was reading Libeskind’s Radix Matrix when she replied that she just woke up. Haha, my prediction was true. As I was busy reading the book, I happened to see a pair of boots that looked so familiar. Guess who? It was the old dude, standing in front of the sign. I was shocked at first and contemplated whether or not I should call him. Actually, I was scared that if I called and its not him, it would be soo embarrassing. But when I check the new hairdo and the boots, it was definitely him. So I was like, “Mr Faris” in a very unsure tone. I guess he was so shocked to see me that he took a couple of steps back. The look on his face was so funny that I had to refrain myself from bursting out with laughter. Hahaha.. really man, I guess it’s a once in a lifetime thing to see the old dude who is usually composed, getting shocked. Hahaha, I cant stop laughing now. Its really hilarious, he looked like a frail old man who just saw a ghost. Hehehe..
Anyway, with the hong bao money that my mum’s boss gave, I went to Popular and bought pens and a file. It might sound like nothing to you but for me, its like a blessing? No, that’s not the right word. I forgot the word but I felt so organized when I bought those stuff. Its like, ‘ok, I bought new stationery. Now im ready to face the world,
(which are actually the notes and books)’. Hehe, lame but that’s the feeling I get everytime I buy stationery.
I had a weird dream this morning. I was running through a dark cave-like walkway. There was magic and I guess I broke the rule or something. I didn’t get punished but the judge or whoever that’s in charge proclaimed something. Everyone got pissed and it was all because of me. Then we walked down a narrow spiral staircase which seemed to be alive. It kept enlarging and then shrinking. When we reached the bottom of the stairs, we were at a big old library. It was somewhere between Harry Potter’s library and Junxian’s Penguin retail space. There were loads of books but I couldn’t stop walking because there was something important that we had to do. So we walked into another dark, cave-like walkway. I couldn’t see who was walking in front, only the shadows were visible. Then at the next moment we were outside. It was an
almost barren countryside. I think there was a farm. The scenery was like Steven Holl’s project. I cant remember anything else, just that the colours that I saw were mostly brownish and dark yellowish.
Hmm.. so whats the significance of the dream? I have no idea. Hey, im supposed to do the details for the retail space, why the hell am I blogging? Damn it, I think I’ll detail at night lah. Ciao..

blah...

Alone at home, listening to Radiohead and trying to write a poem. The only thing that is stopping me is the notes on Mies and Bellmer and my display zone. The worst thing is, im left with only a few pieces of butter paper. This is pathetic man. Whats the point of having a holiday if im still consumed by the thoughts of school. Maybe its because of the stupid tummy ache that im having right now, which makes me go cuckoo. I feel like eating but I will definitely want to puke after that. I feel like a pig man. I feel that im gaining weight, a lot if you ask me. I feel so fat. Argh.. how do I get rid of the excess fat??? This is so frustrating.
Its too bad that I dont have Ashlee simpsons cd. If not, I would have played it on the radio out loud and danced around to it. I dont care what people say about Ashlee. She has got the spunk and she is so cool. So buzz off if you think she sucks!! Anyway, we are going to Sentosa tomorrow for a picnic. The sad thing is there will only be 6 of us. My two cousins and their mum and my two sisters and me. Yes, yes, I know its pathetic but I hope there will be lots of food. Damn it, Di! Stop talking about food!
Anyway, I think I better get started on my Theory draft and on the details for my retail space. But im going to watch Phua Chu Kang right now.. hehe..Ciao.

bloody spinnovex

I woke up about 10 minutes ago, which was around 3.30am, contemplated on whats happened, got pissed and then I got sad. I was thinking of how my jaw still hurts because of all the talking and smiling, trying to promote DID to the secondary school students. Remembered the stupid replies or rather reactions that I got from those insensitive jerks or bitches who just brushed me off like im some kind of volunteer asking for donations. I got pissed because of what my dad said last night. I was home late last night because of the bloody certificate which I didnt have to take. Wasted my bloody fuc*ing 2 hours in there waiting and they never called. Remind me to blast at the old dude for wasting my time there. Anyway, I just started eating dinner, tired and sleepy, when my dad came and exclaimed (out loud in front of my mum and sisters), “You said that you were coming home at 6, why not come home at 8 itself?” I was like, tired and pissed off with the spinnovex and there he was being sarcastic to me?! If my mum wasn’t there, I would have fuc*ing screamed at him for being a jerk. I told him that I was COMING HOME LATE AS THE PRIZE GIVING STARTS AT 6PM. That’s what I said and im not that old to forget. I mean, whats his problem man?!
In a week, there will be like 2 or 3 instances where he will find fault with me. “The rice is too hard lah”, “The floor you swept is still dusty lah”, this lah, that lah.. My patience is running thin. I don’t know what my dad has against me but he is slowly driving me out of the house. What I’ve been doing is never good enough for him. For example, my O level results, I passed and got 17 but he said “how come you only got an A1 for malay and the rest are Bs and Cs?” I was so sad. Didn’t he realize that I got a freaking B3 for my maths?! It seems as though im the bad one, the lazy one and the one who sucks his and mum’s money all the time. Mum, mum never seems to understand that im not being rude to dad but im defending myself. She will always say that I shouldn’t talk back but whats the point of having a mouth and a voice when you cant use it to defend yourself?!
Both my parents are bias. I remembered what they said to an uncle of mine. They said that he shouldn’t be insulting his son too much or the son might just leave the house one day. Hey, that’s what they are doing to me right now. Fancy advising others when they don’t even know that they are making the same mistake. Insulting my capabilities and making fun of what I love to do most is their job. Their main objective in life is to keep demoralizing me and to get me out of the house before I get hitched. Just because im a girl, it doesn’t mean that my standards are lower than a guy’s. I never asked to be born as a girl and I never asked to be born the eldest. One day, I will really walk out of this house and they will never see me again. This is the thanks I get for being obedient all this while. For studying like hell when the influence of slacking was so tempting. For not going out on weekends with my friends because “I need to cook and look after my sisters”. I wish my grandma was still alive. At least she would be defending me. Really wished she was here to listen to my problems.
Maybe if I was a guy, my parents wont be so controlling and their expectations wont be so high but hey, whether im a guy or a girl, im still human. Ive got feelings and pride just like them!! Why cant they understand that im trying to make them proud of me. Nothing I do is ever right or good. Its like a crit session but this goes on for the rest of my pathetic life. They will always find a loophole and they will always pin my mistakes down. I will never be an A student to them. I will always be the rebel and the delinquent. Maybe I should just give up yar?!
They never seem to understand that I love designing (even though I always say I hate it). This is my calling. This is my passion. I feel like im in another realm when I design. Nothing else matters when I sit in front of my butter paper to sketch. Its only me, the pencil, the paper and God. Yeah, yeah, I know its lame but its like what Bellmer said. The hunger, fatigue and problems just lose their actuality. It becomes absent from my consciousness. I know its too early to be saying all this but my gut feeling says that design is the only career for me. I don’t care if in the end, im stuck at some dingy stall at bugis, selling the t-shirts that I designed. At least Im enjoying myself.
Mum disapproves of me thinking of studying at a university overseas. I don’t know why she keeps doing this to me. I want the freedom to learn and to travel. Is it too much to ask for? Is it wrong to dream? Cant she be happy that im still studying. At least im not sniffing glue or smoking pot in a dark corner in geylang. Sigh.. ok, I want to sleep before I get more pissed and dejected.. Ciao.

Woohoo...

Woohoo...my crit was just over!!!Thank God i didn't prepare what to say.Why? I'll be stuttering and i'll defifnitely lose the line,i cant concentrate with a script. Anyway,that ling hao sure does know how to push it. I know that i made mistakes but he doesn't have to keep rubbing it in right? Klah,i'll write in more later,need to see what the rest have done...Ciao

Cuckoo..

SIGH.. Im so exhausted. Im still feeling dizzy, I thought it would be gone after I eat dinner but its still the same. Every thing feels like its spinning, I feel as though im on a boat on the sea, floating up and down, up and down.. When I close my eyes, feels like everything else isn’t real, feels like a nightmare. Am I dreaming? Wish I knew how to paint so that I can paint this feeling, damn, I feel like im hallucinating. My thoughts are so loud, its getting unbearable man. Am I blabbering nonsense? I guess so. I cant seem to control my fingers, they are trembling. Ok, only my right hand feels weird, its so light and I cant really feel the pain when I pinch myself. Ok, the voice inside my head is really disturbing, its keeps echoing. It wont stop, damn it. And this chair is really burning my ass. I cant concentrate on my plans. Can I sleep? No, I cant! I must not succumb to this, this desire! Can I take a short nap then? No!!
Im doing my lighting in 3d right now, this thing is so spastic man. I just cant get the lighting right. I think I have to arrange the lights in plan first before doing it in 3d, but, wait that doesnt sound right. I cant render viz at school because the stupid viz cant even be opened. Stupid bloody viz.. Aww man, I really feel like sleeping even though its only 12.50.
Finally, its 2 am, still cant get my lighting right. Ok, fine, I should be continueing on my ceiling plan but its so leceh lah. Im still confused. I need to see other people’s works before doing mine. Nanti norain cakap aku bengap pulak sebab tak paham2 explanation die. Fine, alright, I will do it and then ask the old dude if its correct. Hey, theres no need to nag right? I know time is running out but im only human dude. Im exhausted and im beginning to hear things. Im having a monologue right now, in case youre wondering who the hell im scolding. I think im spacing out.. Hmm, too bad I cant silence the voice inside my head, its really irritating to be hearing your own thoughts. Im thinking of humming so that I will only hear the sound but I can still hear my thoughts wandering off. Shut up Di!! My god, I cant stop talking even in my thoughts. I cant even space out for like 1 minute.
Hmm.. im going crazy, im losing my mind.. im pestering norain by sms ing her and forcing her to reply. I need someone to talk to..
Ok, its 3 am now, eh, why the hell am I counting down the hours? Stupid right?! Woi idiot, do your ceiling plan lah!!!

I wonder what Chester is doing right now..

When will the old dude borrow Bellmer’s book for me?

Do I want to eat lunch tomorrow?

I think Van Persie’s ass is hotter than Fabregas’.. Hmmm..

Hater

Don’t you just hate those people who think they are the superior beings? I really hate it. I really loathe these kind of people, lets just call them the ‘ass souls’. These souls act as though they are better than you and that you can never beat them. There are two categories of these souls, the ‘show off asses’ and the ‘quiet asses’. The category of souls that is most dangerous and who you really have to watch out for are actually the ‘quiet asses’. Why? Well, you can clearly see the ‘show off asses’ as they practically ignore you or look at you as though you are a 1mm thick bacterium or atom, well, something like that lah. But the ‘quiet asses’, woah.. they act as though they’re nice and all that shit when in reality, in their thick, dirty, conniving mind, they feel,well they proclaim that they are superior to you.
The way they react to what you say or do might seem natural but you really have to look and listen hard. The key is to observe the way they talk and reply your questions. Some might reply your question in a joking manner but in reality, they’re just insulting you. You can just sense the tone of..how do I say it, oh yeah, the downgrading tone. Ok, this might not be the correct term, im so pissed off right now that I cant think well. Oh yeah, don’t forget to look out for the questions that they ask you. They might seem to be asking just out of curiosity but really, why are you being so thick?, they just want to know your progress so that they can laugh at you behind your back. But before doing that they will say something like this ‘oh…im already at this stage.. you’re still stuck there.. try harder then’ Hah, they sound sympathetic but they are gloating inside. Gloating and laughing that evil laugh and looking at you with that sneer or that sadistic grin on their faces, wait, I cant say faces because they’ve got a thick wad of masks behind their real face.
The ‘quiet asses’ also act as though they’re trying to help you but please lah, they want to know how clever, I mean, how stupid you are so that they can teach you a bit and you’ll keep going back to them for help. Then they will control what you want to do, where you want to go and what you feel. Don’t bother suggesting stuff to them, they will just say that you’ve got the wrong info or that you didn’t listen in class. Hah!!
Call me a paranoid but if you’ve encountered these assses, then you will know what I mean. Some of them are your so called friends and in some cases your cousins. I’d prefer the ‘show off asses’ to the other type of asses as they are more truthful. So, have fun figuring out which category of asses your friends are. As for me, im not sure which category im in. I might just be in the ‘quiet asses’ category. So, im hating myself I suppose. In that case, fu*k you Di. There, I feel better already.
Want to know something, I wish that I could lace every thing im saying with all the curse words. So that I can get this pissed off feeling away from me, from my mind. But no, some superior beings cum ass souls cant stand me and the noise I make as I curse my fu*king head off. Hey, are they so daft as to think that the abusives are for them? I mean, its as though they have never cursed anyone before(so innocent and cultured yar.. NOT!!) and so they have to cringe every time I scream the bloody fu*k word. Ugh, then they will either go, ‘profane, profane’ or they will give me the pissed off/ flabbergasted face. Its as though they’re still stuck in the fu*king 18th century. No offense to the 18th century people. My goodness, it’s a god damn free country and I cant curse? I.CANT.FU*KING.CURSE.AT.MYSELF??!! Does it mean that im rude, crass and all the other negative stuff when I curse out loud. Does it mean that im not the oh-so-superior Modern man when I curse out loud? Oh yeah, some people even laughed at me when I curse. Ahh, fine, I want to see you laughing your head off after I fu*king curse you!! Assholes.
Anyway, I watched a documentary on Goya yesterday night. Robert Hughes was the host and as usual he talks in a droning voice. It was so difficult trying to stay awake but it was worth it. I got to see his paintings that were so dark, I mean the meaning was dark. It was about witchcraft, religion and the usual, naked women or prostitutes. He was like Munch. He got cuckoo. He got deaf(Munch got blind I think) and kept hearing voices, seeing things and some other stuff that I cant remember. His etchings I think, look so real, especially the ones on the war. The host says that its not clear if he saw the gory scenes as he was in an asylum or something, he might have been imagining it but the paintings were so real. Scenes of men being chopped off and women being raped. But the one that I remembered so vividly was the Spaniard who was about to be executed by the French.
This guy stood in the middle of the painting in a white shirt, a white clean shirt while the rest (his fellow Spaniards) are bloodied, torn and dead. The French guy was holding a bayonet towards him and this Spaniard was looking at him with the look of indifference or something like that. He looked like he didn’t care if he died as he knew that he had served his purpose in life which was to defend his native land. Sigh, I wish I could be crazy like Goya, Munch and all the other artists. Imagine living in a world where what people think doesn’t matter to you. Your days and nights are spent trying to perfect your art, trying to achieve the essence of your subject. Your art is the air that you breathe, the food that you eat, the only thing that you think about . Your art is your life. Imagine that, to be so consumed with your work until you feel that the days are no different from the nights. Imagine trying so hard to show the truth to everyone, so that maybe they will stop all the war and shit all around you. Imagine trying to change the way people think through your art. Sigh, well, I’ll imagine these stuff later. The submission is like, next week and I cant afford to lose time by sitting and staring off into space, imagining that I can change the world. Ciao.

Only One

"Only One"

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out
and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go,
there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only,
my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out
and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only,
my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out
and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only,
my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only,
my only one

Yes,finally got the lyrics from Norain...lovely song...wish someone will sing it to me... im having a really bad headache right now...and i can only see the old dude after 30 mins... the thing is,will i still be breathing after 30 mins... i have no idea...i feel like a black cloud is gathering in my mind, its clouding my thoughts and i cant think well right now...fine..i'll...just...listen to radiohead and......fade....away...

Now the old dude says that he can see me at 1215...bloody hell seh...im like soo damn tired...anyway i got this from saiyuki's fan fiction....nice huh?

The noble human being does not sin, the profound poet wants to tell us: though every law, every natural order, even the moral world may perish through his actions, his actions also produce a higher magical circle of effects which found a new world on the ruins of the old one that has been overthrown.- Nietzsche in “The Birth of Tragedy”