Ahah

SO?!

That's what someone said to me just now. I don't know what to reply back so i said 'So?' back at her.

So?!

So, i don't know what to feel, hurt or angry. Actually, i felt confused. What did i do or say to get a 'so?!' which sounded pissed off and heck care.

Yar, im being mengada-ngada by saying all this but. Whatever lah.

I think should stop blogging from now on.

shit

09/03/05 Wednesday 12 am
So.. im feeling like shit today. Nothing new about this because I feel like shit everyday. But this is the shittiest feeling ever (not sure if this sentence is grammatically correct though). To elaborate more on this shitty feeling with my limited vocab, I feel demoralized, like a lowlife sum, pathetic and idiotic. Yup, this is all that I can think of right now. Sometimes when you think that you have achieved something, you suddenly realize that its nothing compared to what others have done. Its like realizing that the cd or some expensive stuff that you have just bought, is fake. You feel soo small, so inferior and idiotic for buying it in the first place, for trusting yourself.

So, like I said, as this is the shittiest feeling ever, I just feel like hiding in a small crevice (duh, crevices are small, Di) and staying there until my time is due. Too bad the bermuda triangle is so far away. If not, I could just go there and thats it, im gone forever.

This is a bad time for feeling like shit because this stupid retail project is coming to an end. Im going to have a difficult time fighting an internal battle. A battle between my positive side and my cynical side. I just feel that everything I have done is useless and that it makes no difference if I try harder because in the end it doesnt even matter. But my conscience says (hah, like I have one in the first place..) that im wasting my time not working my butt off. So, what you can expect from me this week is a brooding and temperamental me. Before anyone gets hurt, I would like to apologize just in case I happen to act like a bitch (which is most unlikely to happen).

I will be going for a job interview later with norain, wendy and Andrew. Im most confident, I can bet my 2 cents on it, that the three of them will get the job because they are so good. Im not praising ok, just stating the fact. Man, ive got no chance against the three of them. Haiz, so sad. Fine, I will sleep right now and dream of a horrible death. Ciao.


Why have you left me all over the floor
Struggling to pick up the fragments you’ve made
Blood stains everywhere
On everything I touched
Mixed with my tears, my fears and disgust
Why are you making the fragments again
Blissful in seeing me crawl on all fours
Screeching at me when im almost complete
Patching you up with my silence my string
Stomped on the fragments
I collapsed on the ground
You sneered and you laughed
You will never stop

07/03/05 Monday 9.30 pm
Yeah, so I have submitted my model. I finally gave up battling with the plastic strips. To tell you the truth, I actually wanted to submit it without the glass windows and the strips but then the old dude thwarted my ingenious plan. I didn’t feel like killing him just now. I just felt like dropping dead on the floor. I was so tired ok. I had only an hour of sleep. Hey, I almost wanted to burst into tears when he told me to do the glass windows. To control myself, I rubbed my eyes and looked away from the freaking model. Sigh. That was how tired I was.

I just bought Natasha Bedingfield’s cd. It was a 15 minute life threatening psychological war at the cd shop. It was either Natasha, Good Charlotte, Sheila On 7 or Suede. I should have taken Sheila on 7 lah. But this cd is ok. I bought it for the lyrics. I really look up to artists who make and write their own music. These people are so talented. How I wish I could have this talent, a bit will do lah, im not greedy. Ok, there is truth in the music and lyrics which are composed by the artists themselves. Yeah, that was what I was trying to say. Phew, glad I got it off my mind. Anyway, here is the truth to Natasha’s Unwritten. Beautiful right?

Unwritten
I am unwritten
Cant read my mind
Im undefined
Im just beginning
The pen’s in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you
Can not find
Reaching to something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release you inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else can
Speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines
We’ve been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I cant live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you
Can not find
Reaching to something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release you inhibitions

Chorus

I could just faint, or cry my eyes out. Watching Lp live at some big gig on Mtv was exhilarating. The thought of it just makes me want to scream. I know I have watched it several times before but man, its great to watch chester screaming his lungs out. I will definitely scream my lungs out if I ever get to be in a Lp gig. Yeah, yeah I will also be crying because life would be complete man. So, right now im watching Arsenal vs Portsmouth. Yar, what the hell am I doing watching tv when im suppose to be doing my model. Model making is stupid and it’s a total waste of my freaking time, not to mention money. I suck at making model and I dread the weeks that we’re suppose to dedicate to finishing up the model. I have yet to do my furniture and display cases. Oh yeah, not to forget the windows and the.. whatever else im suppose to do. Haha, such enthusiasm and pride for the model yar.. NOT.

Im having a headache, well, im trying to have a headache. I hate doing the model. Sometimes I feel like life is a big joke. Yeah, like why im in this course int eh first place. Ok, so arsenal won, 3-0. Shit, I still have to cut my plastic strips. So, I got an a fort he draft. It was kind of a surprise because I was aiming and expecting a b+. Im not really satisfied with the draft though, its still loose or raw. I feel like asking the old dude whether he was in a right state of mind when he marked my paper. He had proclaimed to everyone that he was livid after reading the drafts because some of them never put in referencing or something. Im very sleepy. Should I go to sleep? Or should I continue my model.

Man, life sucks and im stuck with it. This must be retribution for something I did last time. But I have always been a good girl. Have I? Hmm.. I cant really remember. But as far as im concerned, whining over life will not get me anywhere or anything. Everything happens for a reason right? Being in this course helps me to realize my potential right? I have discovered my weaknesses and strengths right? Cheh, tired seh of having these monologues and of doing the fu*king model. Its 2am now, fyi. So im thinking about life as Im cutting the stupid plastic. Thinking about what life will be like in 10 years time. Wondering why mum and dad are laughing at me behind my back just because I have to destroy the model after I slog my guts out trying to finish it up in time. Im trying to imagine myself somewhere far, far away from Singapore. And now im thinking about sleep. Ok, its 3 plus now. Time to sleep. Ciao.

Ring-a-ding-ding

What the hell!Im having a freaking stomachache right now and im going deaf.The music they're playing is so damn irritating.I purposely played Peter Pan just now, loudly, in return for them playing soppy,mellow chinese songs.Am i inconsiderate?Yes.So???

Anyway,im still struggling with the stupid model making.Bloody hell.have to do the furniture and finishes.