ergh....

Nothing much has changed actually. Though i believe that i've become a bit more outspoken with strangers. Nothing wrong with that right? But it still feels strange, it doesnt feel like me yet it's what i've become. No, i dont fake being happy talking to people but after the conversation ends, im back to being sort-of depressed.

i dont even know why that is so. Its like an emptiness swelling inside, you know its there but you cant do anything about it. Actually, you dont know what to do about it. I was accused of being in love a few weeks ago, due to my unattentiveness at work. But really, what was consuming my thoughts was that there were so many things to do and yet there's nothing much to do. Just like there are a trillion things to think about yet it amounts to nothing, when you really sit down and think about it.

So many things to think about, so many ideas to express but im stuck. i cant move at all. I want to talk but i dont know where to start. I want to paint but i cant decide on what to paint or how to. I want to do so many things,making my own dress, paint a portrait, design my blog, take pictures of sceneries or just walk around town.

Its very LOUD inside. So many chances to do and change so many things. But i just cant get my mind to start on it.

AND SO I FEEL LAZY AGAIN...

i wish i was at home with the 2 buggers, playing spongebob monopoly or just watching tv. Yeah, im blaming it on the festive and rainy season for making me lazy and lethargic. Im left with 3 projects to complete, 3 this month(2 at airport) and one next month at NUH. And since its the end of the year, im back to questioning what i really want out of life. Haiz. But that post will be up later, much later.

This year has been quite an exciting one. I think i have grown a bit more mature, just a teensy bit though. And i think kids find me cute, or maybe weird? I get stared at by kids whenever i go out. Mum has noticed that recently. Kids looking at me with mouths wide open or some of them stealing glances at me. They keep looking at me, waiting for something to happen. Maybe they are hoping for me to burst into a million bubbles, or lollipops or chocolates??? Maybe im just too cute lah..haha..

Maybe next time, i should ask them why they keep staring??? I hope the answer is not what i think it is....

aiyayayayaya

There's exactly 12 more days to the end of the year!!!!

And yeah, its hari raya haji tomorrow. Im sooo gonna stuff my face with the kway teow goreng that i requested from my aunt. Maybe they will karaoke again and i will end up at the dining table gobbling everything on the table while they scream their lungs out. haha. By the way, last night's dinner of indian kway teow wasnt satisfying, i burnt my mouth while gobbling it all up just seconds after it was served. And i think i bit into clumps of salt. YUCK!

Im in the mood to catch a movie, to shop till i drop, to eat till i cant walk...but im on the brink of brokedom. But i still have so much shopping (and bill paying) to do...Money, i need LOADS OF IT!!!!!!

And i need to start a new year's resolution list, and shopping list, work list, things to eat list, places to go list, et cetera, etcetera, etcetera....

and so im tired

It has been a hell of a week, whereby my tuesdays and wednesdays were for site meetings in the afternoon. Long meetings with contractors who keep asking you the same fucking question over and over again, main contractor who asks about the design of the counter after 3 months of holding onto my fucking design dwgs and s/steel contractor who wont pick up his fucking damn phone.

She talked to me about this. A long talk which in conclusion tells me not to blow up over these minions since they are replaceable. And i should not get upset over them because i do not owe them anything. Seriously, these people are bastards. Selfish bastards who look down on me just because im a girl and im small.

That bastard shouted at me in front of the MD. So i raised my voice at him. In order not to prolong the issue, i changed the subject and asked them to hold the fucking 'mock up' for me to take a picture of. And he had the guts to talk about me in chinese, when i was standing just 1m away from him!!!!

Can you just imagine the fury mounting up inside? I was so fucking pissed off i almost burst into tears. Not because he was badmouthing me, but because he was setting me up as THE FOOL in front of the client and other contractors. That son of a bitch twisted my words. Bloody fucker he is, he said he doesnt care if i want metallic paint as he will only give me epoxy paint. I felt like bashing his balls with the metal pipe on the floor.

The glass supplier told me not to be afraid when i went over to her mumbling all the curses that i can think of. I think she thought i was going to cry because i was afraid. Fucking hell no! I am not afraid anymore! I wanted to strangle that asshole!!!

Haiz...im tired, im broke, hungry and i have another week to deal with all the surprises those buggers will give me before the official opening. i dont know why the hell we are working with those irresponsible people on the first place.

Sometimes i wonder, what's the point in blogging if everything i ever wrote about nowadays is about anger and exhaustion...

i've got the blues..

i've got friday blues...weird huh? i knew it, my happiness only lasts for a few days and then im back to my depressed/pissed off/negative mode. Aiya, what to do, its in the system. Maybe drinking coffee and lack of REAL FOOD is the reason for this. Speaking of which, below are my top 5 favourite REAL FOOD, which i can eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner..and its really no joke...

REAL FOOD list (FYI, photos are nicked from the internet) not in order of favourite..

1) Nasi Ayam,(with the soup of course, and dont give me plain water with garnishes disguised as soup)

2) Mee Rebus

3) Roti Prata telur (give me 5 please!! and please put some tulang, i want the sum sum..)
IM SO CRAVING FOR PRATA THIS WEEK!!!!!!!

4) Mee Soto (no shredded chicken, more noodles, lesser taugeh k?)

5) Nasi Lemak (please remember to put fried chicken, and i'd like the sunny side egg please)

So another one of my meaningless entries that just serves to make me hungrier. Her words to me before she flew off were to eat more. Well, that's what im trying to do leh..

i wanted to post darling's pix as a finale, but bloody blogger photo upload kept on hanging and if i use the normal photo upload, the last pictures will be first in the post,so will have to edit again. Mah fan right? Da happy2 nak post gambar, bole pek chek pulak... dahla aku nak sapedek..

oh la la la..

Oh Chester, Chester, wherefore art thou Chester? I LAP YOU SOO MUCH LAH DEY!! Come back to Singapore soon!!!

HAHAHAHHAHHA...im still high from the Linkin Park's concert. It was a pity that we didnt get the 148 standing tix. Some of those buggers got to touch my darling, and they broke his necklace.. Argh, im still so jealous... if i were them, i'd have planted a huge kiss on his face instead....SERIOUS!!! So, the crowd in the pit wasnt bad at all, in fact, there was no shoving like the Muse gig, that's why im a bit sore that we didnt get those tix...haiz, what to do, maybe next time. And the energy was overwhelming, everyone was screaming out to all the songs. LINKIN PARK FANS UNITE!!!! haha..

so, more about my darling...OH.MY.GOD!!!!!! he was farking fantastic, fabulous, awesome lor... Damn it, he is so cute, his butt, his stage persona (so sexy!), his face, did i say his butt? oh yeah i did...alah, chester on the whole is cute lah, there's no denying it. And we were surprised that he wasnt short at all, maybe just a bit shorter than the other band members. The rest were freaking good as well, Phoenix went crazy on the guitar for the In Pieces song if im not wrong. But the nicest one was Brad, he remembered the people standing at the side view, and went over and waved at us a couple of times, so we dont feel left out... i wished chester had done more of that too..and he should've taken off his grey shirt too, cos he wore a long sleeved back and red striped shirt before that...oooh...chester half naked and sweating...droooollllzzzzzzzzzz..

So cute kan?????? My darling lah nie...haha

I was almost tempted to scream out 'i love you Chester!!!' but after hearing a guy ( A GUY, SCREAMING) scream out his name, i lost my urge to do it. On the whole, it was a surreal experience lah. Norain and i kept exclaiming that we cant believe we're at an LP concert. Its like a really, really nice dream. And for a split second, i almost wanted to cry as i felt so damn happy. BUT my number 1 dream is to get to take a pix with my darling...Life would be really complete once i get to do that...Hehehe....i wonder what it will turn out like..;p

really?

A friend has admitted that she has indeed fallen in love with an old friend of ours. Well, oklah, she didnt actually say those words, she said that i'll laugh at her if she confessed something. Well, that's like confessing right? Because a few weeks ago, i asked directly whether she had any feelings for him. But she berteka teki dengan aku pulak..binawe..

Oh, what can i say other than I TOLD YOU SO!!!! Hah, there's bound to be some kind of special feelings once the guy has said that he likes you and both of you are getting kind of close at the moment, and to top it up, you are currently single mingle. hehehe..

Im dying to hear her confess, yelah, aku kan makcik kepo. Lagipun, its exciting to hear what's going on exactly and why/how/what made her change her mind. Do you know that this boy used to date another close girlfriend of ours? Ooooh, i actually have a list of boys who had fallen for my friend but i think that's only for me to know..;p

Anyway, a recent conversation on the net with another friend made me think about relationships between those who are of the ripe age to marry, like our age for instance (since skarang,banyak yang kahwin muda). So if you are dating now, is it just love for NOW or love UNTIL MARRIAGE? If its love for NOW, then what's the point in sticking with the guy if you cant stand his crap? You should move on to find someone who you want to marry right?

Yeah, this might sound merepek (since i have no experience in this) but i think im making perfect sense. Wouldnt it be wiser to leave the realtionship if you cant stand the guys' ego, parents or mantan girlfriend? Then u get back in the dating game to find THE ONE, or NOT THE ONE BUT BOLELAH..haha.. This saves the heartpain and the stupid quarrels you might go through..But then again, without those heartpain, or those quarrels, you will not know whether he is THE ONE...

so what's my point now???

I've got no points actually, im just bored and have nothing else to blog about. Other than next TUESDAY IS DA BIG DAY!!!!!!

Que sera sera

''Que Sera Sera

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be...''

She used to sing this song after telling us stories of what life used to be in her time. And when i was in the mood, i'd always join in....-.-

Damn, i dont know how to put in the youtube video of the record playing this song. But HOW do you download videos from youtube in the first place???

Anyway, i recalled a nice memory that day. Suddenly remembered of the time i had sore eyes, and my 3 buddies (dayah, ain and lela) came to visit, bringing along my maths homework. But the thing is, they told me to close my eyes with a towel and not have any eye contact with them as they might catch the virus. So i had to cover my eyes with a towel while they all roam around the house, raiding the kitchen or watchin mtv. Funny how that was the only memorable sore eyes experience i ever had. But quite sad though, since in the end, only me and dayah still keep in touch.

Im bored, super duper bored, but there's the sunday raya outing with the beruks to look forward to. Now i just have to decide on what to wear for that day...hmmm.. Vale people...

i've been tagged....

EI have been tagged, by Mr Tan the pro..hehehe...Gee, 2 more days to Raya...hahhaha...im soo not in the mood for anything else..

FAVOURITE

1. Colours: black
2. Food: err..chocolates
3. Song: this is tough, right now its hari raya songs
4. Day of the week: Sunday


CURRENT

1. Mood: tired?
2. Taste: hunger, im fasting mah..
3. Clothes: black blouse with one missing button
4. Time: 1119
5. Surroundings: computers, laminates, vinyls sheets..
6. Thoughts: 2 MORE DAYS TO HARI RAYA..


FIRST
1. Best friends: this short talkative girl in primary school
2. Crush: one guy in my malay class in primary school
3. Movie: P Ramlee movie, cant remember which one though..
4. Lie: hehehe...cant tell..
5. Music: i think it was fantasia bulan madu by search..


LAST SO FAR
1. Drink: cold water
2. Car ride: comfort cab..
3. Movie: hmm, Howl's moving castle
4. Call: my sis...



1. Dated your best friend's girl: im straight..
2. Broke the law: nope..
3. Been on tv: not that i can recall..;p
4. Kissed someone you don't know: never.


5 THINGS YOU'RE WEARING NOW:
1. black blouse.
2. red tank top
3. jeans
4. my super brand new super nice $10 watch
5. glasses.


4 THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY:
1. picked up the printer
2. yawned a couple of times
3. opened and sent emails
4. think of the big day..


3 THINGS YOU CAN HEAR NOW:
1. Saloma singing hari raya song
2. the splashing of the fountain below
3. crickets singing


2 THINGS YOU WANNA DO NOW:
1. sleep
2. clean the house


1 THING YOU'LL DO WHEN YOU'RE BORED:
yawn..


5 PEOPLE THAT I'VE TAGGED:
chelle, najat, CT, Nana and kwinella...



she reads me like an open book and it woke me up and drove me to tears. My stubbornness has made me cling on to the stupid self pride so much so that i have lost focus of what my purpose is in life. If i was in a war torn area, i would've starved to death. Seriously.

Money is everything but its not everything. And in the end, im still a spectator. yes i've become a, a bit greedy lately, but its just because we dont have that kind of thing in the past and because someone was soo stingy. All i want is for everyone to be happy, but in my case it lasts for a fleeting second before im shoved back down to earth.

ps: is my mind all screwed up or am i just complicating some simple and mundane issue?

pps: ok, fine, im remorseful and feeling so damn guilty cos i splurged on a kebaya, I SPLURGED on a single item. Damn it.Im too ashamed to even type the price..

ppps: i wish i wasnt so lonely sometimes.

pppps: YAY!!!!!!! 10 more days to HARI RAYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! n im soo not in the right state of mind to work..

stupid people...

i tell you, if looks could kill, a lot of dead bodies would be left on the road at jurong east yesterday. Bloody hell those assholes DO NOT KNOW HOW TO WALK STRAIGHT. Damn it. And those people who get off from the MIDDLE PLATFORM AT JURONG EAST, PLEASE DO NOT F***ING PUSH/SHOVE/SLIDE YOUR WAY INTO THE TRAIN. THIS IS NOT YOUR ANCESTORS TRAIN!!!!!! Its not like that train is the last one for the day right? its only 8 plus freaking am for god's sake..argh...

I dont know why our fellow singaporeans have to be so inconsiderate, especially at the train stations. Excuse me, people are tying to alight, please give way lah idiots. Come on people, use your brain, if you dont want people to push you, then please dont push others. And these inconsiderate mindless assholes, are our aunties, uncles, mums, dads and even grandpas and grandmas. Damn, these are adults who keep advising us not to be rude and stuff but here they are, showing us how selfish they can be.

I know im considered an adult now but it seems like i'd rather stay a teenager then be an adult singaporean who is selfish, inconsiderate, etc, etc..

What's the purpose of having those be considerate campaigns,etc,etc in the first place?

OH, oh, I have a brilliant idea. Why dont 'those people up there' install a kind of invisible barrier, at the funnel shaped sign on the platform floor. So when the train comes and people alight the train, anyone who die-die want to board and cross the funnel sign will be zapped, 3 or 4 times would be nice..ok, make it 5 times. Ni kira macam shock treatment lah. Kinda extreme but what the heck, i've had enough of people pushing me back into the train whenever i want to alight...

hehe, i bet after half an hour, almost 80% of those who are at the platforms are half burnt...kahkahkah....

Ps: is this what we are proud of? such a simple thing as giving way also cannot be done..tsk, tsk, tsk

LP IS COMING TO SINGAPORE!!!!!!!! YAY!!!! Oklah, shuld've have posted this 3 weeks ago but i kept forgetting...Im soo excited..they'll be performing at the indoor stadium on the 13th of Nov. im gonna get the seats. There's no way am i going to get the standing tickets and be crushed by crazy smelly fans..Ahhhh...the thought of being soo close to my darling...hehehhe... If there is going to be an autography session, im gonna have to bring my cds and digicam. I hope i get to take a pic with him. I hope i get to hug him and plant a big KISS on his face. I hope i dont faint when i see him. Seriously, that could happen due to over excitement..heh..maybe he'll ask me to marry him??? HAHAHA, joking lah...

Memories are weird arent they? Especially when they come back to you. Its like, a certain stimulus, lets say rain and the scent of rain, will bring back memories of when it rained at school. And a laughter will remind you of someone else's laughter. the wind will remind you of the time when the wind blew so hard, someone's skirt blow up like a balloon..hmm..I miss writing essays..i miss doing research on a certain architect, or a building.

Most of all, i miss being free from responsibilities...

i think there's something wrong with me. Lately, i've gotten excited everytime Friday comes. I'd be all happy2, joy2, like i've just eaten a bowl of Bugis prawn noodles or a big whopper or QiJi's mee siam or..alright,alright, i'll stop it..

Anyway, there was a huge crowd at bedok interchange yesterday night. I thought someone was selling stuff but apparently someone was injured and the ambulance was called. From what i heard, some guy was beaten up by gangsters. Wah, luckily i wasnt in my kepokia mood and didnt went over to the crowd. Kalau tak, tertutup selera aku nak makan. And thank god i didnt arrive when the fight broke out...

3 more weeks of fasting and then everything will be back to normal. I just hope i dont overspend cos someone asked me a very important question. A question that involves the future. Well, ever since i've joined the working world, every little decision i make counts. Money, money, money. Money for the future, for the family, for my health, for my studies maybe? I dont know, preparing for the future is sooo leceh. Its like preparing for war. Suddenly it seems like i cant turn to mum and dad (when have i asked him for help?) for help anymore. Suddenly it seems quite a big responsility to take care of myself.

Tapi Di, jangan ingat dunia ni aje, pls, pls remember to always prepare for the next one..

the one thing that i cannot stand, is not being able to curse. i shouted out the beloved F word on the 2nd day while i had to bite back my tongue when i almost murmured out the C word just now. Some things/people just love to test your patience, especially at this fasting month. Like the stupid printer which refuses to print out anything complete and the supplier who gave me a wide range of color swatches and in the end tells me that i've only got about 6 colors to choose from (which are all pale colors). Damn that $*%*%&^%*(. Now i have to ask client to choose another chair. Idiotic right?

ps: im bored of everything, just want it to be over and done with but i wonder how long will it take..

ramadhan bermula

1st day of Ramadhan, 2nd day of the earthquakes hitting Indonesia. Its just like last year but this time the tremors last longer and are stronger. If im not wrong, i had felt tremors since monday but thought that it was just the construction next door. 2 tremors today, around 7.50 am and 11plus am. I just hope that the people living at that zones hit with earthquake will be patient and tabah, redha with what has happened.

Nothing's the same since she's gone. We look forward to Hari Raya but somehow everyone knows that there's an emptiness somewhere. And now, i dont really see or expect anything special or worth remembering for this year. Just that hopefully, some people will change for the better and that my puasa is sempurna. But deep in my heart, i hope something good happens...

To all my muslim friends, Selamat berpuasa lah yek..:)

ps: i really, really, really hope that i can gain weight, just found out last night that im super underweight...no chance to donate blood after raya if this keeps up.

a fine day

"Dont enter 1408"

Not bad leh, but the storyline was crappy, wait, was there a storyline in the first place? I believe the sound effects helped to build up the anticipation. You can hear everything. I was sinking into the seat, but jumped a few times due to the terkejut scenes. It was literally a pain in the neck to watch cos we were stuck in the very first row...thanks to her highness lah, janji 9pm, but she reached at 9.15, and we queued 2 mins before the show started. NICE. Anyway, the most ridiculous part when the room was cracking up, like an earthquake just happened and then there was a storm and John was struggling in the deep sea..Yeah, lame...

Anyway, i knew that the "happy happy, joy joy" feeling that i had yesterday wouldnt last long..But that temporary feeling was soo delightful, my heart felt light, i didnt drag my feet when i walked and i felt, at peace. Funny, maybe it was something i ate. Maybe it was because of the sun. Anyway, it was really weird but im hoping that feeling will come back frequently. It sucks being depressed all the time.

Ps: i think it was because i woke up with that grateful feeling to Him for being alive. And for once, i loved myself for being the way i am.

im melting

Its scary to look in the mirror and realise that you're only half of what you use to be, in other words, you are shrinking horizontally and maybe vertically. Or maybe im just slouching too much. Anyway,the cita cita i made a few months back to increase weight before the fasting month is unachievable. Its 1 weeks plus and im still like this. I tried, really, really, hard. You should've have seen me stuffing my face with rice, chocs, snacks, chicken, etc, etc, every weekend. Sadly, it was not enough.

So tell me,how am i suppose to fill in the empty gaps in my kebaye??? maybe i should get a maximiser...??hehehheh...;p

On a sidenote, the pressure will be mounting as the T3 proj and the NUH will be starting concurrently. Damn these beruks for taking such a long time to let us start. And dammit, i dont know if i have the patience to endure this. T3 leh, international leh, where am i going to hide my face if the workmanship turns like shit (not if, when it turns like shit, which is very likely to). And the NUH, HAIZ...i need to go through the materials and details again. I NEED MORE TIME !!!!!!

Got this from Jing's blog..seems interesting...oklah, im bored as hell...havent been doing this kinda thing for awhile...So if anyone reads this, it means you're already stabbed...



INSTRUCTION:Bold the statements that are true to you. (in my case its in yellow)

Italicize the statements that you WISH are true. (blue)

Leave the fibs alone.

Then, stab 5 people to do the same test.

1) I miss somebody right now.
2) I do not watch tv these days.
3) I wear glasses or contact lenses.
4) I love to play video games.
5) I have tried marijuana.
6) I have been in a threesome.
7) I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
8) I have changed mentally over the last year.
9) I curse.
10) I am totally smart.
11) I’ve broken someone’s bones.
12) I am paranoid sometimes.
13) I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
14) I need money right now.
15) I love sushi.
16) I talk really, really fast.
17) I have long hair.
18) I have lost money in Las Vegas.
19) I have at least one sibling.
20) I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
21) I couldn't survive without Caller ID.
22) I like the way I look.
23) I am usually pessimistic.
24) I have a lot of mood swings.
25) I have a hidden talent.
26) I am always hyper.
27) I have a lot of friends.
28) I have pecked someone of the same sex.
29) I enjoy talking on the phone.
30) I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
31) I love to shop.
32) Enjoy window shopping.
33) I would rather shop than eat.
34) I don't hate anyone.
35) I am a pretty good dancer.
36) I am completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
37) I have a cell phone.
38) I believe in God.
39) I am an adrenaline junkie.
40) I watch MTV on a daily basis.
41) I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
42) I have rejected someone before.
43) I want to have children in the future.
44) I have changed a diaper before.
45) I have called the cops on a friend before.
46) I am not allergic to anything.
47) I have a lot to learn.
48) I am shy around members with the opposite sexs.
49) I have made a move on a friends significant other or crush in the past.
50) I have tried alcohol before.
51) I own the South Park movie.
52) I would die for my best friend.
53) I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
54) I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
55) I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
56) Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
57) I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
58) I am happy at this moment!
59) I am obsessed with girls/guys.
60) I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
61) I study for tests most of the time.
62) I am comfortable with who I am right now.
63) I have more than just my ears pierced.
64) I walk barefoot wherever I can.
65) I have jumped off a bridge.
66) I love sea turtles.
67) I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
68) Plan on achieving a major goaldream.
69) I am proficient in a musical instrument.
70) I hate office jobs.
71) I love sci-fi movies.
72) I think water rules.
73) I went college out of state.
74) I like sausages.
75) I love kisses.
76) I fall for the worst people.
77) I adore bright colours.
78) I cant live without black eyeliner.
79) I dont know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
80) I usually like covers better than originals.
81) I can pick up things with my toes.
82) I can whistle.
83) I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.
84) I have ridden/owned a horse.
85) I still have every journal I've written in.
86) I can stick to a diet.
87) I talk in my sleep.
88) I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
89) I have jazz in my blood.
90) Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
91) I wear a toe ring.
92) I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
93) I am a caffeine junkie.
94) I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
95) I have been to over 15 conventions.
96) I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
97) I am an artist.
98) I only clean my room when necessary.
99) I like a person of the same sex.
100) I love being happy.

So what's the point of me submitting designs to you if in the end i have to conform to your idea/perception of a good design? Design is subjective to a person's taste but man, cant you be more open to what im offering to you? Of course my design is feasible, if it isnt i wouldnt be proposing it to you in the first place. For the love of design, please stop bruising my already deflated ego and morale.

She told me not to be affected by comments made from them, since different people have different taste. But i cant stand it. How can i keep a straight proud face when they say i cant do that, and i cant do this, or blah, blah, shit, shit.. I need to have inner strength she says, since im always affected by external pressure. HOW NOT TO?? Damn, its such a mental ordeal, all these stupid mind games..im tired of growing up. i thought it meant more knowledge but all i end up with is depression and the need to self destruct in public.

Something is wrong when you keep having monologues and that you cant bear to be in crowds as it always makes you want to scream out for them to keep a clear 5m distance away from you.

How can you keep up this facade? How long will it last, before you crash and find yourself trapped with no options left other than to severe the tie...ARGHHH!!!!!!!

on a sidenote, mom will be off with mak itam to tanjung pinang this weekend and will only be back on sunday evening. this is the first time she's going off without us. And the thought of her being far away from us makes me want to --. 36 hours straight without seeing her face, hearing her voice, poking her neck, etc, etc, etc.... I dont know how we are going to survive. Im already missing her now. I guess this was what she felt whenever i go for camps and overseas trips. Haiz...i cant imagine what i will feel like on the day itself. Yeah,yeah, im mommy's little girl...So?

You know, it gets to a point where my mind is absolutely numb and empty now. Nothing makes sense and nothing really matters. I just feel empty.Is this what it feels like to give up hope? Somehow, whatever i do, it just ends up --------.. Man, this is so depressing..all i can blog about is work, work, work. And i look like a total crap today, flat hair, pale face, and im wearing black jeans and black blouse...which makes me look super thin. Is it just me or were people staring at me when i was at PS???

Anyway, yesterday, out of the blue, my uncle gave me and the twats(3rd n 4th sis) a lecture on being a good muslim and etc. Well, i wouldnt really mind much, just that the the way he lectured us was in such a condescending and accusatory tone that i almost blurted out "i've never had sex, ever!!" I mean, yalah, im not a perfect muslim, sembahyang tak cukup, but i dont think it was appropriate for him to lecture us on this.

I mean, i wasnt the one who got pregnant and had to cover up by marrying at such a young age right? Im not the one with the really hip, happening social life and only reach home at midnight or later after lepak-ing pat esplanade or pat kolong blok. How can you tell me to choose who i should be friends with? If im friends with a gangster or a whatever, as long as i know my limits, its ok to be friends with them. They are humans too. He even went so far as to say, takde kawan pun takpe. WTH.

He thinks his sons are so alim. Please lah, depan adik sedare cakap fuck lah, etc, etc, is that really being a good person? That's a super bad example lah dey.. And his sons are kerek and think they're so cool. Whatever lah kan.. If i wasnt soo tired yesterday, and if my mom didnt teach me to respect people, i would have told him to shut up and look at who he's lecturing at. I think his lecture would be more suitable for 2nd uncle's sons and also my younger cousins, yg da hanyut betul.

But i will bear in mind his advice on sembahyang, Kalau kita ade degree or career in life, sembahyang tak sempurna,tak cukup, bile mati nanti, ape kita nak jawab bile disoal tentang achievements/contributions kita untuk akhirat..?? I believe i have overlooked this, too caught up in this world that i forgot about preparing for the next world. We could all go anytime, just like that. That really strikes a chord somewhere. I guess i've been forgotten because i have forgotten Him. We tend to only remember Him when we are in need. Hmmph, typical human nature.... But i will try to be better, i promise, i will try not to forget, i will remember to say thanks every morning when i wake up. Maybe He will make me remember him.. Just maybe..

give it up

right now im stuck and i cant get out. i have been told not to let these negative stuff get me down but i cannot help it. i cannot help feeling offended when someone asks me whether i am putting effort into designing and whether i have put my heart and soul into my designs. i cannot help but feel like digging a hole in the ground and crawling inside when my dwgs have been looked over with a microscope and circled, highlighted,crossed over in front of my client. I have a million curses for them but since its my fault that the perspective sucks and the dwgs have discrepancies, i will just let it go. i really want to quit but it just proves these 'people' right. That im a coward, a slacker, or 'that malay girl who cant decide what to do'.

Of course i know everyone's insulting and making jokes about me in chinese. Especially for these 2 projects. The client's PM who is not involved at all even kepo2 asked me what really went on in front of the other suppliers and contractors. Yes, i was embarrassed and humiliated there, but since i know he's gonna canang the whole story to the rest of the people, might as well tell him bits of it so as to satisfy his curiosity. Im not here to make friends, definitely not asking people to be nice to me, be all buddy-buddy, or chummies. I just want respect. And im here to make a difference, to be heard and seen. But everytime i get that chance, i just let it slip by.

So is it my fault that i turn out to be inactive, indifferent, indecisive? And to top it all off, insecure. 21 years old and im still having difficulty speaking up and evaluating people's behaviour. So much for growing up....

tick, tick, tock

i feel like a time bomb furiously ticking away, waiting for its moment to explode.. Too many things going on, again. she's putting way too much pressure on me. i dont think i can handle the load, too much lah.

and maybe the reason i was peeved was because i feel invisible. im still peeved by the way. yeah i know its kind of petty but i usually take things like these with a pinch of salt. Well, not really lah, ever since the Nad case, where she always 'cant make it' to our gatherings, i have been kind of pissed off when some people always cant meet up. I mean its not like i want to see your face every damn freaking day right? its just one day in 3 or 4 months where i would like everyone to gather and just catch up, like old times.

The same scenario happened with my sec school friends. People just lose touch and dont bother. I tried organising a hari raya outing 2 years back but they cant decide on that one day and a person even complained about the previous outings (which i didnt organise, mind you), and kept saying negative things until i myself gave up (thanks a lot myka). Seriously, i felt like slapping her face. Till know, i have not bothered to sms these people. Well, if you cant be bothered, why should i? i have a life (i guess) and i have other friends as well (dwindling though).

Anyway, in case i forgot (unlikely though) what pissed me off that day, its the free screening of Psycho last saturday. I asked everyone if they can go, the usual people cant make it, only norain said ok, aimi said she'll get back to me, marinah said she'll sms me if she can go. So in the end, as i was anxiously preparing to knock off from work at 6pm, aimi and marinah didnt reply (lupelah...pundek betul) and norain...guess what happened to my dear buddy????

SHE FELL ASLEEP AND FORGOT BECAUSE I DIDNT CONFIRM WITH HER!!!! Can you believe it?? I smsed her at around 3pm asking if its still on but no reply, then i texted her at 6 to reply if she's going, no reply as well. Then by 7pm (screening starts at 8pm), i was soo disappointed that when boss called me up around 8 plus, i felt like bursting into tears when she asked why i was still in the office. I could have gone alone cos im used to going to places alone ever since i've sold my soul to this company, but i wanted to be around my friends. Its not a matter of needing a friend to 'teman kan you to places', its more of 'bonding with your friends'. That is the reason i was disappointed.

Haiz, anyway, she must have been damn tired, from work. Well, arent we all...

STUPID ASSHOLE

FUCK LAH, berape byk bende seh kene buat? Mcm satu buku aku kene compile, mcm budak bodoh lagi ade. Buat darah naik ajer. Slalu mcm nie tau, kasi info lambat pastu nak aku abiskan cepat2, dah tu byk bende lain tangguh. Campur ngan keje lain yg belum abis edit ngan bende baru yang die nak suro aku habiskan, plus nie, plus tu, bile nak game sial. abeh next mnth nak ajak pegi luar negeri, kalau macam nie, kirim salam sudah, lebih baik aku duduk tercongok depan computer nie habiskan back log smue. kalau pegi pun tambah kan lagi keje aku, kalau ade orang tolong takpe, nie tak,asik kasi, kasi, kasi. lame2 pun aku kasi mampos lah. Seriously lah, kalau otak aku senget eh, da lame aku humban komputer ni kat luar tingkap. ingat aku nie robot kaper? takyah nak rest hari enam ngan hari minggu. ckp senang ar, suro aku bagi mase betul2, kalau da asik masuk dlm in tray aku, mcm mane nak arrange time betul2, dahlah aku buat smue sorg2..

tak cukup ngan lecture pasal time management, tambah pulak kene makan betul2, kene ade sosial life,kene kluar tengok tempat tu, tengok design nie. CI-BAI. yes, that's all i can say. Orang mmg tau ckp, tapi nak buat ingat senang ke aper. Bile aku pikir ade time free, bende lain crop up. Might as well just ask me to work 24/7 right? might as well tell me to move in here and dont need to go back right? then kalau tak cukup ngan tu, biar aku pack semue bende aku, tukar name, tukar address to office one right?

%^%*&%*&*&VTGJGDIBY*&%*%&^F$%C&%UTDGSB*^ADS(*^*%ASD&^V$AS&^IUDGKSAHFHSADFLHSAOIFDBY*S&%F^%ACD$D%^$&^D%*& Y(*^&(*WV*& DIUASF:LAKSFaf798956764

once again, thanks for reminding me that i have no social life..

defeated

im sorry.i cant help it.too much is going on.too much to take into account.too much to think about.im sorry it came out.more sorry since i dont know the reason for it.im sorry im giving up.so sorry that i cant.im retreating back there.im sorry if i cant go out.im not going out.im sorry im not feeling well.up there.in there.everywhere.im just so damn sorry.

im going there,dont now why,but i am. dis appear. leav ing.

Cogito, ergo sum baby...

I just heard a super lame joke on the radio which is really hilarious due to its lameness...hahahaha. haiz, im laughing alone again...yeah, pathetic, i know..

Anyway, this OT proposal is looking good. Initially i dont know what the hell to design and how to gel everything as per the concept boss has proposed. Of course, she always discusses with me but it didnt sink in at all and i felt like banging my head on the keyboard for the past week. But now, i've gotta say im kind of proud of it..somehow, subconsciously, i have made everything work as per our theme. Or maybe boss is too lenient this time. Ah, heck lah, it looks nice to me. The only thing left now are the 3ds from our other partners. Due to my mediocre 3d skills (im serious, luit might have a heart attack seeing the ones i've done), boss has to ask the guys in manila to do the 3d for me. Yalah, paiseh, i know, but i still cant get the hang of 3ds max. Maybe i've mentally resisted understanding 3d software?? Maybe its all in the mind, like, I think therefore i am.. hmmmm..

It got me thinking. Why do we tend to wallow in self pity? Why the self loathing, why self deprecate, why do we let the negative and demoralising comments people made to us, make us want to give up and hate ourselves? Im not referring to anyone here, these are just some of the things i do to myself sometimes, oklah, all the time... But seriously, i keep saying that i dont give a shithole about what people say, but inside, i keep thinking that somehow it'd be better off to walk off as im tired of trying to live up to people's expectations. Of course, work is more of an obligation, you are expected to excel or do better after every job, but people think its just a snap of the finger. Come on lah, you cant expect me to absorb everything in one go, experience sometimes takes a while to be absorbed and understood kan? And so many things happen at the same time, sometimes, its all jumbled up and i wont even remember what's what, or even what that day of the week is.

And i still dont understand why the hell did i choose design as a career. Sure, i told everyone who asked that design is my first choice and that i want to be a designer, but that's just a mantra that i've been repeating to myself, in order to believe that this is what i want. There you go, i've spilled the beans out here...hopefully i can sleep better at night..but yar, Why Di, Why? Maybe i wanted to be different from the others (friends in secondary sch). But other contributing factors are my grades were only average, my maths sucks, i cant stand science and please dont talk to me about business strategies and whatnots... Haiz, i think its fate. Whatever it is, im just going to keep on going with the flow. Something will come out of it, everything that's happened has made me a bit stronger and also more aware of Man's thinking and action. Cheh...act chim pulak.....

Hey, even though we didnt have the freedom to go out with friends or hang around after school or join my aunt on trips to malaysia, i've realised that we have been given the freedom to choose what we want to be, to decide for ourselves what is right or wrong and to be comfortable being ourselves. I guess there's always a reason for why parents didik(what's the english word again) you the way they do. Wow, i have been slowly understanding the reason behind some of the things my parents did..

tired...im soo tired....

emoooooooo nyer

Was in a cab this morning from bedok mrt when along bedok road,i saw the aftermath of an accident when the cab drove past. A black car had run over the traffic light at the junction and was halfway up the curb where people usually stand. The front windows were smashed, the traffic light pole was lying on its side. And then there was the pool of blood on the road. My guts suddenly did some serious twisting and turning. No, i didnt feel like vomitting, just that feeling of, of ngeri-ness suddenly gripped me. And i think i held my breath for a few minutes.

Was the driver drunk? Did the driver have any passenger on board? I bet his/her life was flashing right in front of his/her eyes. Cliche i know. But maybe at times like those times, maybe they have no time to even think of anything else other than crashing into whatever it is they're crashing into. And sometimes it crossed my mind, when im rushing into the cab to site meetings or to the landlord's offices...

what if...?

Scary but inevitable, we will expire in the end.

" Dont worry about forgetting. Because only your head forgets, but your heart does not... "

Memories, be it good or bad. And i think my heart does remember. That's why it aches everytime. Aiya, so melodramatic...

So did i blogged about the recently opened Kopitiam at Hougang Mall? No? Well, it looks nice, but there's something missing. Of course lah, they forego the fabric glass box screens, which pissed me off like hell, and also the stupid s/s guy did his own thing with the detailing of the fabric glass columns, which pissed my Boss like hell. I dont know, i cant quite put my finger on what's missing but boss says its the experience that's missing.

Anyway, i finally watched kaer's video izinkan ku pergi, actually,watched snippets of it on tv3 but the picture reception was fucked up as usual. That song is bloody freaking sad and lovely. I cant say its sappy because its not, and the mv suits the song perfectly. Simple and yet, ish, cant describe it in words, its that sense of lost that's so overwhelming. So since im feeling emo tonight, here's the english translation of Full house's song Why/Fate/Oon Myung? The malay version sung by izwan pilus is crap, sorry to say so but he made the song sound so pop-ish and happy happy joy joy it makes me want to puke., its a sad song damn it...

I don't really know love
I didn't know It'd come like this
I can't seem to control my heart when it comes to love
I wouldn't have started if I knew It'd be like this
Now that It's too late to turn back, I'm having regrets

I hoped you wouldn't be loved
I hoped that you wouldn't be my love
I told myself I didn't love you
I hoped we were just passing acquaintances
Because all i'll have left is pain
But even so, I want you
It's making me sad

A wrong start.
That's all I saw it as.
I believed I could let you go any time
I don't know what went wrong
I have to avoid your love
But I long for you

I hoped you wouldn't be loved
I hoped that you wouldn't be my love
I told myself I didn't love you
I hoped we were just passin acquaintances
Because all i'll have left is pain
But even so, I want you
It's making me sad

Now I'm nothing without you
I can't do anything about it
Knowing that I must erase you...
Makes my life harder.


ahhhh..i cant believe this entry has turned into a sappy-emo-whatever you call it entry...this sucks..oh chester, chester..wherefore art thou chester..

and sooo

Had my monthly much anticipated late night rendezvous with her Highness 2 nights ago. As usual, being the fickle heads that we were, after 5 mins of the usual hellos and what nots, we launched into the 'i dont know, where do you feel like you want to eat?' song. Of course, that will last about 10 mins or so depending on how many good eateries there were at that place. And also on how hungry we were. Last2, we had our dinner at the prawn noodle shop which Adeq and me love to frequent. But i had the wanton noodles instead...wth...

So the conversation during dinner had a climax, she revealed that her mum was already 7 months pregnant. I think the look on my face was priceless at that moment. It was unexpected, she said. Her parents were happy lah, her dad esctatic but her bro who's getting married, or actually, bersanding later this month was shocked and maybe not quite happy. Says that the parents purposely planned this to happen when its so near his wedding day. Wtf right? How can you purposely plan to be pregnant on that exact month? Bodoh nak mampus seh, and very selfish indeed. If i was her Highness, i would have said this...

"oh, grow up, you're a man, BE A MAN and be independent you lazy bummer, etc, etc" (the etc are all the expletives and harsh words which i dare not say cos i respect her Highness therefore i wont talk bad about her brother)

Of course lah, he works but then the wedding expenses, almost all of it the parents and her Highness yang chip in. Free wedding kaper? God, guys nowadays are so hopeless. Gatal nak kawin tapi tanak support diri sendiri. What? Are you going to live with your parents forever? Nak duduk bawah ketiak mak ko forever? Tsk, tsk. tsk.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand, her Highness was quite worried about the age gap but she's cool with having a kid brother. I think she's already setting aside money for the monster..hehe..They havent choosen a name yet...And when i told my mum about the news, she was adamant that we let her have another baby. The thing is, she had 2 miscarriages for the past 2 years, and also i think the workload contributes to the factor that makes it difficult for her to sangkut. Oookaaayyy, i'll stop here cos its abit weird blogging about this issue...sheesh..

I thought she was over him but no, she still thinks of him and he still wants her back. But she cant trust him anymore. And she still got the cheeks to tell me to have more exposure, so that i can find one. I looked at her and posed the same question and she ended up laughing. We're in the same boat. It's work and then home. And the men that i see/talk to/discuss with are all old men...so..how? Haiz, like what i told my mum a hundred times before, i've got to ask chester to propose asap....;p

hi ho

i've had a few more disturbing dreams, maybe its due to the recent going-home-on-time schedule. Not that im complaining (about going home on time), just that its the beginning of all the late nights again, next 2 months going to be hell, again. Well, no surprises right?

Its a sad thing indeed to have your boss ban you from wearing your favourite pair of skinny jeans to work, and then to add to the misery, she then says your feet are like chicken feet, with a straight face. No, im not insulted, but I DO NOT HAVE CHICKEN FEET, right? Right??

And another sad thing is when your mum keeps telling you to eat and even suggesting that you take vitamins and what-nots to boost your appetite and weight. Do i look like a 6 year old to eat all those kinds of pills??

How to gain weight in such a short time span? man, i dont want to think about it.

its been a...

Its been awhile since i dreamt, but that day, it was more like a nightmare. I dreamt a dentist with crazy eyes, well, oklah, a cute dentist, was chain sawing my teeth, the whole set of the lower jaw!! Impossible, no? Well, the chainsaw thingy was in a penknife size and he was sawing my teeth all around, almost touching my gums by a mm. And he keeps saying in that nagging voice that my teeth cant be used anymore, and there's nothing else he can do but to saw it off. And he assures me that he wont hurt my gums. All the while i was sobbing and crying, because

1) i know i would look horrifying without teeth. Eww..Bogeh..
2) i was freaking out as the chainsaw thingy was soo close to my gums

And i think he did saw off a bit of my gums and blood was oozing and i started to scream a silent scream, and he was smiling and still sawing and then everything went blank. The next thing i knew, i woke up and was scratching my legs like hell.Ape lagi, mozz fest lah. The part where he was sawing my teeth, macam dalam filem. The whole damn time in the nightmare, i was looking at him from inside my throat and seeing him, my teeth and the bloody chainsaw. Urgh...this must be due to that mirrormask show i watched just before i went to sleep. It wasnt a horror show, more like a fantasy, surrealist kind of thing. Sheesh..

Anyway, im still down with flu, my head still hurts and hingus meleleh like a broken tap, only on the left nose plak tu..malu seh, macam budak kecik. Actually, i wanted to blog about something else too but i forgot what it is...Cheh......

i think im sloowwllyy deteriorating

i think im slowly decomposing, rotting, deteriorating or maybe slowly disappearing. My gums are bleeding, my hair loss is suspiciously on high mode, my stomach is, well i dont want to talk about this and my flesh, haiz....im on the verge of being labelled emaciated...i think if i weigh myself, i'll find that im 40kg, ok, ok, 42kg the least. So if im 42kg and im about 1.52m ht, is that considered underweight?

Its not that i lost appetite, its just that i have no mood. yes, i get hungry almost every 2 hrs but no mood to eat.

And im damn tired of singing this same damn tune. Its the same thing everyday. Sometimes i think that im not me anymore. Sometimes i feel like there are things crawling on my face and arms. Some times i feel like not waking up at all, just to be in a deep slumber. They have taken away my dreams, its gone, every night is just a blank 6-7 hour phase.

I dont know. Do you know? Putting up colors when you know that in reality at the bottom of the well its all black and murky. Its very frustrating actually. And the line between desire and need is blurring. i dont know what to think anymore.

plus 2 minus 2 but plus 2 again and so there's gonna be more plus's with false promises of minuses until one fine day i'll drop dead and that will be the day when minus is mine and its forever.

Urgh... the horror......

p.s: Just now W told me that there's no more 6, so i laughed cos i kind of thought it was an april fool's joke(??) but then i felt like throwing out the damn metal scrap when i have to do up 2 instead. Thanks man.

p.p.s: erm..basket, i forgot what i wanted to write...

p.p.p.s: Oh yar, if one day i read back on this, i wont bloody hell understand what i wrote, at all...

Happy birthday

HAPPY 'a-few-more-years-to-being-50' BIRTHDAY MAK!!!! Love you lots, pray for your good health always and hope you wont be so stressed out all the time. Please dont think too much, i hate seeing you all stressed and sad. Sometimes i wish i could give you anything you want, especially peace of mind, but sadly im not that strong enough, or clever enough, or resourceful enough. But i'll always be here to listen to you whenever, wherever....love you...

wedding aftermath

To the person who stole that money, i dont care how desperate you are, or how fucked up your life is, so much so that you had to resort to stealing. All i know is, your life wont be easy from now on, balasan di akhirat lagi teruk. Jadi, selamat lah ko pompuan...



FYI, my cousin's dowry/duit hantaran of $5k was stolen on sunday by this lady who pretended to be the bride's friend. We didnt know the bride put the money (still in its frame!!) in her wedding rm's cupboard, unlocked (the cupboard lah ngok), if not, we wouldn't have let people go in. That devil must have stolen it when my eldest cousin was in her room, freshening up. She came in 2 more times afterwards, to steal other stuff pulak lah but then my aunt, Mama, was in. And the 3rd time, my mum and i was in, she was shocked when she saw us, was already on her way to the wedding rm. She made excuses that she wanted warm water. Made small talk with us saying that she just came back from the groom's side. Wore a shawl, all covered up, with jeans.



YES, why didnt we get the hint??? Why would a friend come back to the majlis after following to the party at the groom's side, takde makne kan? And then, why is she dressed so shabbily? Its a wedding for God's sake!!! And the shawl!!! It was a freaking hot sunday afternoon. Haiz, all of us were too exhausted and our minds were occupied with the majlis until we werent alert at all. So careless. I really pity Mak itam, Kak yan and Abg Alal. We thought everything was going fine(well, except for the stupid DJ for the karaoke, update after this).



So, a note, reminder, to those people who have weddings coming up, PLEASE KEEP YOUR MONEY, JEWELRY, IN A SAFE PLACE, ALL LOCKED UP, AND DONT LET PEOPLE YOU DONT KNOW GO IN YOUR ROOM, ESPECIALLY THE WEDDING ROOM WITHOUT YOU FOLLOWING THEM , BREATHING DOWN THEIR NECK...so careless...



The wedding itself was kecoh.. time nikah, the pelamin people didnt turn up to add the fresh flowers at the pelamin in the house, so it looks bare in the photos (stupid idiotic pelamin ppl). And when the bride and groom came down after taking pictures, the pelamin downstairs was also incomplete,with no chairs and fresh flowers. Can you imagine what the newlyweds must have felt? The bloody buggers only came at around 12 plus to finish up the decor..AFTER THE PICTURE TAKING....HAIZ.



So anyway, people came non stop on sat and sun, so we, the kendarat cousins had A LOT OF WORK. What i hated was the behaviour of one of my aunts clique, a bunch of old farts and tarts who came for the karaoke. They sing dangdut all the way, never letting other people sing, eat like pigs, drink like pigs, and then never helped out at all. And most of the old tarts are MAKCIK TUDUNG!!! They continued this foolish behaviour on sunday too!!! The old tarts went in front and DANCED FOR THE WHOLE BLOODY WORLD TO SEE!!!!. I SERIOUSLY FELT LIKE GOUGING MY EYES OUT AND WASHING IT IN THE KITCHEN AND BLOCKING MY EAR DRUMS WITH GLUE. FUCK SEH, YOUR SINGING IS ATROCIOUS AND YOUR DANCING IS LIKE ORANG DA NAK MAMPUS, DONT GET ME STARTED ON YOUR LOOKS AND BEHAVIOUR.



Please lah makcik, awak tu semua bertudung, tapi tergelek-gelek depan budak-budak kalahkan penari Silver Tortoise. YOU MAKE ME SICK!!! BLLLEEEAAAARRRGHHHHH....



But still, it was an unforgettable event, and yeah, i think i look cool in lime green songket. i really stood out among all the other cousins and my sisters...hehehe, but too bad i looked exhausted with eyebags and crappy hair... i think i will be posting the pictures soon....TUNGGU.......

Shutupbitch

I.AM.SO.DELIRIOUSLY.EXTREMELY.
UNDENIABLY. FUCKING. PISSED.OFF.
RIGHT NOW.

"Given Up"
Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape
I'm my own worst enemy

[chorus]
I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me

I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but Im scared
I'm not prepared

I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me

Goddddddd!!!!
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my fucking misery

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me

PS:thank God for LP.

Work

I worked on Labour Day.

And now i have to work on Vesak Day.

Next thing you know, i'll be working on all the holidays.

Or actually 24/7 EVERYDAY, for the rest of my life.

Sick leave doesnt count, im not resting at home, im trying to recuperate. Its a totally different thing altogether.

So i only have 4 days in a month,

4 fucking measly days of

freedom,

relaxation,

watching tv,

napping at noon,

eating all the junk food at home,

wathing cartoons and music videos,

listening to the radio,

talking to my family,

acting like a retard at home to make the 2 beruks laugh,

making fun of my mum,

going over to my aunts' house,

eating out with my friends,

going shopping with my family or friends,

lazing around,

cooking something up for lunch

reading a book

etc

etc

etc....

Well folks, that sums up my life now....

OIII!!!!!!!!

BILE MAU GAME LAH?????

2 BLOODY FREAKING WEEKS ALREADY U KNOW??

I CANT TAHAN ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ps: i wish i can write the bitch's name here,sadly, im not that kind of person. But im praying she might choke on the pork balls and .... . DIE BITCH DIE!!!!!!

4 more days.

im so excited,nervous, happy.

Anyway,im bored...of work...I want to go back to school..Plllleeeeeeaaaaaaseee........

Somebody save me...

Ps:LP ROCKS!!!!!!

PPs:i just got a call from my MD. Dey, brape banyak kali nak edit lah...penat siol....

Who me??

6 more days to go and i have a lot to finish up....BOOOOOO...

Anyway, she said im full of contradictions. Am i? Or am i just fickle and muddle headed? They say you know yourself better than others but im not really sure. I just cant seem to make up my mind. Lately, its crazy. Im stuck in a phase where i want to move forward but i keep turning back, hesitant to take that step. Good God, i've had this monologue before.....

So....hmmm...oklah, oklah, i confess, this entry is pointless, i just want to see how good it looks with the new skin...hahaha...Ciao.

LP review

I've gotta admit, it took me 3 listens (2 listens were full blast it almost deafened me) to finally proudly declare that Linkin Park's 3rd album is worth buying. Dont ask me how i got the full songs on my mp3, just know that i will get the album soon, when im not broke.

Back to the songs, i was so disappointed and really annoyed when i first heard the songs. I felt betrayed and cheated. I asked myself, ' Why LP, Why are you doing this?' It sounds so pop, mellow, kind of like what you've heard of from the new bands which are popping out like mushrooms after a rainy day.

But when i really, really listened to it, while letting go of my expectations and also what i have heard from them, it starts to sound good. LP really reinvented (i think), and came out with something fresh. My darling Chester's voice is more deeper, sounds like he's growling most of the time (which is very hot) and there's loads of screaming on his part. I like it that there's not much rapping. And the guitars were good. One song even sounded like a malay song due to the guitar solo, though i cant quite remember the title. My favourite is Given Up, cos Chaz screams a lot, alamak, so super duper hot lah his voice.

Though im not totally bonkers over this album, its still worth buying and its still LP, so yeah, im gonna get it...Woot....Hmm, maybe i should ask boss for $20 advance...;p

On a sidenote, i had a weird conversation with our stone supplier that day...

E: Are you married?
Me: (pause for 1 minute before looking at E incredulously) Me? Im only 21!
E: Who knows, a lot of people nowadays are already married at 18 or so.
Me: well, hmm,yar ar...
E: so you have boyfriend?
Me: (DING,DING,DING, 100th person mark) No, dont have one and dont have time to look for one. Im getting MD (boss) to look for me.
E: WHAT? MD got time meh to look for you? In that case i'll also ask her to look for girlfriend for me...haha
Me: ahahaha....(oookaayy...)
----a bit of blah, blah, yada,yada...----
E: Oklah, im going off now, if i stay or drop by longer i might end up being your boyfriend...
ahaha
Me: hahaha...(What the fuck??!!)

Even though he said it jokingly, it struck deep within my soul and led me to think over and over again. Am i resigning myself to working like this everyday? i might just end up like them, not married and no boyfriend...NOOOOOOOO.......and i might end up marrying an OLDER GUY.......erghhh...mintak2 janganlah aku kawin orang tua....but jodoh maut di tangan tuhan...

haiz....i've gotta go stalk Chester and force him to make me his 2nd wife or else mum will marry me off to an old man....ewwww....

Love...

Dear
I apologise, it has been awhile since i thought of you. Its not that you never crossed my mind, its just that lately, i have been occupied with so many things, well... ok, fine, one thing only which is work. But really, its not my fault since you disappeared without a trace and i heard no news from you at all.

I remember the first time i saw you. Actually, i heard your voice first before seeing you. It was during literature class in sec 2, my best buddy and i were doing our work when i heard you. Frankly speaking, i was annoyed at first. But then, something happened. I felt that i could connect with what you were saying. Yes, at that point of time, i was quite the temperamental one. Hormones. What more can you expect from a 14 year old? Anyway, when i saw your face, it was LOVE at first sight. Never have i seen a person who can look geeky but so hot at the same time. FYI, im drooling right now...;p

Since then, i tried to follow your every move and listened to every word you said, in between coping with all the things that happened at home and school. You were always there for me, and you dont know what an impact you left in my life. But as exhilarating as it is to hear your voice, its also such a bummer to know that you already have someone else...Sigh...

Anyway, i should be glad since i finally saw you after almost a year or two of disappearance. And i am not ashamed to say that i wanted to faint when i say you with the new haircut and style. Heee.... after all these years, i still go gaga over you...

The thing is, I just want you to know that my feelings for you will never ever change, you are and will always be my first love, even though you're already taken. You always have my back, man. Keep on being cool. I know you may not be able to read this, ever....but stilll......i cant resist it whenever i hear your voice or see your face..........

Dear.......i just wanna say......

i LOVE YOU SOO MUCH CHESTER CHARLES(?) BENNINGTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(to the owner of the pic, sorry, i just had to use this pic cos my darling looks so yummy)

Mother's Day

dear Mak,
tomorrow (or sunday?) is Mother's day. I dont know how we're going to celebrate it with you since i might be coming home late and then 3rd Uncle has the kenduri or something(or maybe he wants us to buy his stupid products). Anyway, frankly speaking, i wont know how to wish you a proper mother's day wish without breaking into tears as if someone died. So here we go...

HAPPY MOTHER's DAY MAK. I love you soo much. I know you have gone through a lot to raise us 4 beruks. I know you have had fights with dad over the freedom limit that he sets for us. I know that you had to work to help dad to support us all. I know you wished you could give us everything, if you could. Even though it iritates me a lot that you always, always sms asking me where i am when you already know im still at work, deep down inside, i know you just want to know that im safe and sound.

Haha, even though you say you dont do favouritism, which i know you dont, i KNOW you love me the most since im the oldest...;p..hah, what i meant is that we relate more to each other, we click. You know when im hungry, what i want to eat, how i will react to stuff, etc,etc. And you always laugh at my jokes even when they're lame, because you're lame too..hehe..haiz...i've loads to write mak, but maybe its better if i say this to you in person. Its more meaningful.

Somehow, this day reminds me of the last day we celebrated Mother's Day with arwah nenek. i miss her very single day. I wished she was still here, so that i have someone to talk to and who will listen to whatever i say without judging me. May Allah bless her soul. Amin.

......................................................

exhausted.tired.angry.pissed off.deprived of sleep.deprived of sanity.mentally tired.extremely sad.low morale.

i wanted to write a lot of things here but im really, really, exhausted. The past few weeks, or rather month, has really drained my soul dry. i couldnt help it but to let it all out just now. i didnt force it out like the last time, it just happened. a REAL nervous breakdown.

well let's just bloody hope that i dont end up in a psychiatric ward (which is a big probability by the way) in the next few weeks to come.

and lets just say that for the hundredth time, i really felt like jumping out the bayshore balcony.

serious.

and for fuck's sake, please dont fucking ask me what or how i eat at work. Please lah, im sick and tired of that question.

And it was gone after a flurry of writings on the wall

Words cant describe how absolutely pissed off i am right now with almost everyone and everything. The bloody office computer has lost its mind (and also the scanner software in its system) and it keeps hanging whenever i try to get to the non existent scanner. Photoshops' not helping either, what with the scanner broke, it decided to go ding dong as well. Everyone is chasing me for stuff and the datelines are ridiculously back to back, shoulder to shoulder, ear to ear. Damn it, im not a freaking robot, man.

And that idiot keeps chasing me for drawings and asking what's next. Bloody fuck, you have a mouth, you ask the MD lah, why are you asking me? Menyebok aje bile orang tengah nak siapkan presentation boards. Lepas tu ade hati cakap ngan aku yang die tak nak buat double work. Like WHEN THE FUCK HAVE YOU EVER DONE DOUBLE JOB??? You just helped out like 3 weeks ago, and most of the dwgs are churned out by MOI or by other people since you dont know how to use autocad. And your bloody shithole of a friend is still in Dubai. Blood pressure my foot. Kene heart attack betul2 karang, baru padan muke kau. Nak menipu ajer. Dasar babi hutan betul lah.

Some times you wonder who these people really are....and then you realise that, it just doesnt matter..

i feel like calling and talking, venting out everything but its just so selfish to ask that from people. Bile ade masalah, baru nak datang melalak pat member, tapi bile takde problem, tak msg pun member. Haiz, i dont want to be like that. Too clingy and dependant. But its just soo frustrating. I wish i could put all this madness, anger, sadness, weariness and emptiness into a bottle and smash it on the floor. SO. VERY. TIRING. I feel like tearing my hair but its gugur level is high so i guess its useless to do so. I feel like smashing my head on the wall and stamping my feet on the ground in the hopes of it opening up and swallowing me whole. And what i mostly want to do is go home to mum and sit beside her and cry. Cry like how i did in primary school when i was sick but tried to pretend it was ok. Cry like when i failed my maths and had to face dad to ask for his signature on my report book. Cry when i cant get what i want. Cry when im very angry and cant do anything about it. Cry when people turn on me due to some misunderstanding.

Sometimes you wish you were still 5 and that the only problems you had were how to finish the veggies on your plate or which toy you should play with today.

At other times, you just wish you were somewhere else, doing something else..

&^$&$$&^^(*&(*&(*(*&*$%@#$@$%_+)(_(

I am SO FUCKING PISSED OFF!!!!!

2 pm's are making my life like crap. one pm went off for a break in the middle of all this storm, saying that he will still give support (support my bloody ass!!) when he left everything halfway and i have to take the blame for not following up, and another pm, the client's pm (the racist bastard of an asshole, the spawn of Satan, the scum from hell, the sick pathetic being who finds it fun to make a big hoo ha out of a small mistake) is shooting daggers at me from the back and front. Fuck you bastards, i've had enough of

A) people taking me for granted. i've helped you a lot and now you're abandoning me? fuck you bastard, i hope you soemthing bad happens to you.

B) people misunderstanding me and then making such a big fuss like as if i had poisoned some important person. Fuck you, butoh, cibai, kanasai, nabey, faggot, babi, sundal, *&%&%^#(&^%... This pm, i wish a LOT OF BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO HIM!!!

1.hope he chokes on pork meat/bone/snout, that will remind people of what kind of aperson he is, a bloody pig.i think pigs cant be compared to him, he's lower than that.

2.gets hit by a rubbish truck, same reason as above.

3. gets struck by lighting, since he will be burnt, that shows how black his heart already is.

But what i really want to do to these assholes is to break their bones into pieces, stomp on them, put their bones into the blender and then throw it out the window. Damn it, bastards lah these men. But of course, im still sane, i wont resort to that. i just wish that one pm doesnt get married at all, while the other pm, hmm..hope his wife runs off with another man and that his children will not want to live or acknowledge him for the rest of his life. i pray to god, sincerely, that his children wont turn out like him in the future.

I LOVE CHESTER!!!

I went through the pictures of my friends in friendster. Those 'friends' whom i have not kept in touch with for so long, well, except for Dayah of course. I bet that if we were to have a gathering of some sort, which i doubt so, no one would know what to say to each other. Sad huh?Its not that i dont try to get in touch but if no effort is put in their part, why should i bother trying? Like some people who i will not name, since they wont be here to defend themselves, they chose to disappear. Its like, the times we spent in school with them were just a dream. A secondary school dream or nightmare depending on some people's experience.

For me, secondary school was more like an institution where a lot of hormonal young ones are put together in a weird place and are being experimented on for peer pressure and stuff. It wasnt that bad but it wasnt that great either. The first 2 years were more like trying to fit in and make/evaluate friendship,make alliances,enemies,etc while the last 2 years was spent trying to get by each day without having to resort to murder some of your teachers with your bare hands or just enjoy going to school to chat with friends and try to graduate.

What did i really learn from secondary school? Hmm...some people are born to be assholes and bitches, some boys are immature jerks, some boys are great friends, hypocrites are aplenty and some teachers are dangerous beings, very dangerous beings(especially my lit teacher)

Anyway, these people changed in appearances, some went to overseas, some are working or still studying, some are married(primary school friend). Makes me wonder, from their point of view, have I changed? Dayah would say no, she would say im still the same foul mouthed crazy person that i am, and she would say a lot of stuff to annoy me and smile that mentel smile. God i love her, without her in secondary school, life wouldnt be fun. I might not be where i am today. Because i am prone to follow someone's habit/character/decisions unconsciously, i almost gave up on studying after a good friend of ours decided to drop out of school. That made me sad,because someone who i thought i can connect or get along with has stopped believing in herself and has well, gone hanyut.

haiz, what's the point of this blog entry? I seriously dont know. Sometimes i dont want to wake up in the morning to face the day,because most days, there is nothing to look forward to. Nothing significant at all. That's why i have those thoughts. Why should i smile to people when inside, i dont really give a shithole about being nice. I give out fake smiles everyday without realising it. im soo accustomed to it that when im smiling a sincere smile, it felt painful. I even smile when i talk on the phone, because people will know from the tone of your voice. So everyday is an acting day for me. Some days i want to strangle some aliens but then again, what's the point in being so angry when there's nothing to lose, other than your reputation, dignity, job, money and face lah..

oh shoot, im beginning to sound like a cynic..change topic, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..i saw the new vid for LP.Chester looks damn hot but i prefer him blonde, he looks hotter in blonde.Hehehehehe..
Alamak he's so cute lah in black skinny jeans, so very cute, so very delicious. And im still waiting for that dvd of takuya's drama a beautiful life...he's so yummy in this drama. I loike.

I wanted to write about that but i realised its too much and that it might not be a clever thing to do.So, ciao.

i've realised that whenever im stressed, exhausted, dont have enough sleep or just about to go crazy, there are 3 things that i needed the most...

(not in order of urgency)
1. CHOCOLATE
2. CASHEW NUTS
3. ICE COLD NESCAFE

But i forgot that a combination of cold nescafe and an empty stomach (not really empty since i was gobbling 2 hotdog rolls into my mouth) is a VERY BAD combination. At first, i was full and satisfied, then i got high (caffeine rush) when i reached bedok, then i got nauseous when i took the bayshore bus. I had to control the urge to throw everything back out so all the while from bedok to bayshore(i took the long bus route to marine parade), i kept a very scrunched up sick face. I must have looked damn weird. So, everything came out in chunks just now.... EWwwww..... Why am i writing about this? To remind myself. So DI, IF YOU READ THIS BACK, WHATEVER YOU DO, DONT DRINK COFFEE ON AN EMPTY STOMACH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, what i wanted to start out for this entry was...

OH MY GOD!OH MY GOD!OH MY GOD!

Yeah, i just heard a snippet linkin park's new single. Finally my prayers have been answered, they are coming up with new stuff. I should laugh back at the old dude for doubting my favourite band. HAH! to you old dude. The world premiere or whatever of their new single is on 2nd april, 7pm on 987fm. WOOOOT...i wrote it in my calendar to remind myself...haha...and then next month, Arctic monkeys new album will be out too. And i'll be going to Manila, klau takde ape2 yg menghalang, for 3 days...for work purposes...so there ARE things to look forward to next month..my life is not so boring after all..

oh yeah, pay nak dekat masuk...i need to pay hp bills, set aside money for barang dapur and i need to get nabila (norain's niece) a nemo plush toy which i promised her last sunday. She is the cutest thing on earth. So chubby, so clever, so CUTE!!!! SO ADORABLE!!!!!!! and she like to bit people's fingers..hahaha, she tried to grab my earrings cos it was so shiny, and then she got pissed off cos i took her orange plush toy... you should have seen her face, all scrunched up and red...hehe...maybe i will post her picture here when i have the chance..

and its MY fault????

Im a bit kecil hati at what MD wrote at the chat board. She asked if i had said something to Pm to make him send a depressed email to her. Like wtf, i know i can be crassy, blunt and a bit insensitive to other people's feelings at times, seeing that i only mix around with beruks and am living in a cave(yar rite), but it doesnt mean that i go around demoralising people, especially a GUY, a 34 year old guy to be exact, and then drive him to depression. Do i look or sound like i am capable of doing that? HELL NO!!! The worst i can do to a guy is maybe just, i dont know, curse him upside down, well, some guys are immuned to this so i dont think that counts. But yeah, the thought of me having the 'power ' to do that is just so absurd, its like the idea of hearing a cat laugh...HAVE YOU HEARD A CAT LAUGH??!!

Anyway, the point is, im pissed off. Because he wont tell MD the truth, that he's tired of all the politics at KPT and that the job scope and the pay isnt tallying or to be exact, isnt fair...To tell you the truth, ever since he joined us, he wasnt that excited about the projects at all, and instructions were just instructions. Yeah, i know, kind of like how i react to the projects sometimes but only when im tired. He does this everytime, there's no passion or sense of ownership...whateverlah, it feels like im throwing back the water at my face(frankly speaking, i dont know what this means). I want to tell this to MD but it feels wrong, if Pm feels that way, HE should be the one to tell her, im not going to be the kepo 21 yr old and i have no time to be the middle man/girl. This whole hoo ha about him going into depression is stupid man. He doesnt look like he's going into depression, he just doesnt want to get involved, he wants to ESCAPE from this, nak quit,nak cabut. He told me this about 2 months ago i think,saying that he cant take it. You're a man, BE A MAN.

I have been slipping in and out of depression( i think) yet nobody gives a fuck, well people asked but i cant say it right? I cant say its horrible since it might only be me who's overreacting and exaggerating when its not that bad. Its almost like incubus' song sick sad little world;

'no you're not the first to fall apart, but always the first one to complain'.

Everytime i want to whine or complain, this phrase keeps ringing in my ear. Its annoying. i hate it, i have to watch what i say or do, keep looking over my shoulder. Its like a fucking war zone everytime we go for meetings which involve KPT. A stupid fucking game that KPT's Pm plays to annihilate me and the rest of the small people in the world. Seriously lah, i dont care if you're a racist pig, just dont make my life miserable and then pretend like you're a bloody saint and that you had no hand whatsoever in the plan to frame me. Pk asked me why i allowed myself to be an easy target. I felt like saying to her that i minded my own business but people are just so attracted to me, mcm syok gitu nak kenekan aku...banjingan betul...

i think i need to read books, maybe reading inferno back will help to soothe my soul...

i felt like it do here i am

The bbq was fun, too bad it wasnt windy and that we DIDNT SWIM AT ALL!!!! Can you believe it? we were at the beach the whole day and we didnt swim..damn...but i ate a lot, i stuffed my face from 4pm onwards until night time...then i went to the loo a couple of times because i stuffed my face with all the gassy drinks...hehe, i think i might have just gained a few pounds, NOT! I couldnt really sleep cos the street lamps were shining in my face and cos i miss my bolster...booooo....and the next day when we went home, my body ached. Maybe its due to the fact tat i was scrunched up like a prawn when i did finally fall sleep...thanks for the info norain...

Anyway, the BIG day is in 72 days time. Yeah, the BIG DAY...and i havent done up their poster...and also havent sent my songket to norain's mom. Im so excited, ALL of us are so damn excited... i wonder what my cousin is feeling right now, in about 2 months plus, she'll be all married and attached. How does it feel huh? Excitement? Anxiety? Nervousness?Maybe i should do those wedding journalism thingy, where i take photos 1 week before, until the big day and then do interviews and then compile it into a BIG portfolio...sounds like a great idea but i dont have a SLR to take photos...nevermind, there's always my(mum's actually) digicam...tak standard but at least there are photos...wahhh, so exciting....

im thinking of dyeing my hair, a dark shade of brown..actually, i brought the dye, its dark blonde, u noe like the hazelnut color..hehehe, i dont think it suits me but whatever man. I had the impulse to cut my hair short that day and then to dye it but i didnt. So now i have helmet hair and i look so cute...hah, yar rite..mum was pissed off lah when i brought up the subject of hair coloring but she cant do anything. MD is excited and told me that i should dye my hair before we go off to Manila for the design fair, she doesnt want mum to assume that she influenced me to do such things...apejer org tua nie..

I dont know why some people dont really like people who have dyed hair (like mum for example) Stereotyping kan? I mean, if i've dyed hair, doesnt mean that my akhlak buruk kan...yelah, its not good in the first place to dye hair but it doesnt mean i sleep around or smoke/drink or tak balik rumah 4/5 hari ape...aku pun tak kurang ajar ngan org tua kan? I just want something different for awhile..i know my limits...haiz, i know im not a saint lah...

So, i will....
1. dye my hair tonight, i think..
2. remind myself to get arctic monkey's latest album which will be out next month..
3. go to the toliet to look at my hair again...;p
4. pay my hp bill...hehe, gue lupe lah..
5. watch the old malay movie later on tv