and its MY fault????

Im a bit kecil hati at what MD wrote at the chat board. She asked if i had said something to Pm to make him send a depressed email to her. Like wtf, i know i can be crassy, blunt and a bit insensitive to other people's feelings at times, seeing that i only mix around with beruks and am living in a cave(yar rite), but it doesnt mean that i go around demoralising people, especially a GUY, a 34 year old guy to be exact, and then drive him to depression. Do i look or sound like i am capable of doing that? HELL NO!!! The worst i can do to a guy is maybe just, i dont know, curse him upside down, well, some guys are immuned to this so i dont think that counts. But yeah, the thought of me having the 'power ' to do that is just so absurd, its like the idea of hearing a cat laugh...HAVE YOU HEARD A CAT LAUGH??!!

Anyway, the point is, im pissed off. Because he wont tell MD the truth, that he's tired of all the politics at KPT and that the job scope and the pay isnt tallying or to be exact, isnt fair...To tell you the truth, ever since he joined us, he wasnt that excited about the projects at all, and instructions were just instructions. Yeah, i know, kind of like how i react to the projects sometimes but only when im tired. He does this everytime, there's no passion or sense of ownership...whateverlah, it feels like im throwing back the water at my face(frankly speaking, i dont know what this means). I want to tell this to MD but it feels wrong, if Pm feels that way, HE should be the one to tell her, im not going to be the kepo 21 yr old and i have no time to be the middle man/girl. This whole hoo ha about him going into depression is stupid man. He doesnt look like he's going into depression, he just doesnt want to get involved, he wants to ESCAPE from this, nak quit,nak cabut. He told me this about 2 months ago i think,saying that he cant take it. You're a man, BE A MAN.

I have been slipping in and out of depression( i think) yet nobody gives a fuck, well people asked but i cant say it right? I cant say its horrible since it might only be me who's overreacting and exaggerating when its not that bad. Its almost like incubus' song sick sad little world;

'no you're not the first to fall apart, but always the first one to complain'.

Everytime i want to whine or complain, this phrase keeps ringing in my ear. Its annoying. i hate it, i have to watch what i say or do, keep looking over my shoulder. Its like a fucking war zone everytime we go for meetings which involve KPT. A stupid fucking game that KPT's Pm plays to annihilate me and the rest of the small people in the world. Seriously lah, i dont care if you're a racist pig, just dont make my life miserable and then pretend like you're a bloody saint and that you had no hand whatsoever in the plan to frame me. Pk asked me why i allowed myself to be an easy target. I felt like saying to her that i minded my own business but people are just so attracted to me, mcm syok gitu nak kenekan aku...banjingan betul...

i think i need to read books, maybe reading inferno back will help to soothe my soul...