I read KX's blog about today being the last friday of the year. It just makes me feel so sad. We're closing one chapter of our lives and opening a new one. 'Leaving' 2006... its like leaving your love. Well, i dont know how it feels like to leave your love but anyhoo, im getting into the melancholic and reminiscing mode now, so bear with me.

This year has been crazy, what with trying to stay sane and finish up DID, then graduating, then thinking and planning for the 'future' and then getting shoved into the working life. Work has been crazy as well, no doubt about it. Lost a few relatives, 3 grand uncles passed away. Lost weight due to work (this is good actually, i can finally proudly proclaim that i can fit into a 25 inch jeans. HAHAHA). Lost my mind a couple of times. Lost hope. Loss, that's what 2006 is all about. And i just got to know from mum that the old man's company will be shutting down on 28th February next year. So that's one more loss. Im just wondering, anymore losses for me within these 2 days before 2007 comes barging in the front door?

Yeah, i know, that wasnt funny. I want to laugh but it feels like i might just cry out instead. The laughter and the tears are stuck together. Mum told me she's stressed out right now. That's so like her, to be stressed out over things like these. I know, this is a serious issue but its not the end of the world. There are other jobs out there, its just a matter of finding it.

It feels like im carrying the burden of the world on me. I feel so lonely, very lonely actually. I dont know who i am anymore. Who is Diana, Nana and Di?I feel like i am 2 or 3 different people each day.Its like im acting out what each character will do, say or feel. What the fuck, im not making sense now.

I've realised that im the sentimental one. I never liked throwing away stuff, especially papers with notes, scribbles, sketches, numbers and doodles. I never threw away notebooks, especially the half filled ones. I never threw away birthday cards, shopping bags, empty perfume bottles, receipts, letters from BFF's in primary and secondary school, yearbooks and even blurred photos. I always hold on to the thought or the idea that these things are valuable and will be of use in the future. I still kept the unused wood from past projects, and i tore apart my t3 from year 2 (it was a tough decision, either the whole model goes or it stays, but in pieces). I kept the my onto too, i dont know what for since its cheapo wood. But yeah, i tend to hold on to things which relate to other memories.

Man, this entry is boring, so lets tukar channel pulak. Oh, people usually write new year's resolution right around this time right? I wrote one once during year 1 of DID. I can still picture the layout on my black notebook and my scrawny handwriting all over, though i cant remember what i wrote. What i can remember is that i didnt get to achieve most of it. So i'll just make a new list for next year, even though i might forget about it in a couple of days.

Resolutions for the YEAR 2007

1. Buy more jeans
2. Lose a few more inches off my waist and thighs
3. Curl my hair when it grows longer
4. Buy the Gola shoe that looks sooo coool.
5. Get a new pair of specs.
6. Buy the books, cds, dvd which i had intended to get (built upon love by alberto perez gomez, the cabinet of Dr caligari, just to name a few)

ok, ok, these are the serious resolutions...

7. Save money, save money, save money!!!! ( just in case i nak kawin ke ape, HAHA, actually this is so that i can go Uni lah)
8. Take driving course, 3d course (to brush up on my bad 3d skills) and maybe journalism course (who knows i might be a journalist or something, haha) Note to self: this is depending on whether i have the time and money.
9. Learn to shedule my time properly, do up daily working schedule every friday, organise my files in an ORGANISED manner.
10. Try to smile more (like real, i've nothing else to write lah)

Yeah, so that's it lah. I wanted to write 'get a boyfriend' at number 10 but that just seems so wrong, and not to mention desparate, so, yar. Here's wishing that hopefully the year 2007 will bring joy to everyone, and may everyone be more patient, courteous, strong willed, and yada, yada, yada.

I pray to God that He gives us the strength, courage and patience for whatever He has planned for us.

BO

Nothing much to write since nothing much happened. Well, we sent my Pak ngah and mak ngah to the airport on Christmas morning. They were going for Haj, just like norain's mom. Reached pak ngah's house at around 10 plus at night, and we chit chatted and joked around. Boarded the rented bus at 12pm and reached airport around 1pm. It was bloody packed, until counter 11. And then we waited in front of counter 5 while taking pictures with my uncle and aunt. I went off in search of norain, to meet her mum before she berangkat. Walked to counter(or isit gate?) 1, but they werent there, so we walked all the way to counter 11. Managed to talk for awhile but we went back to our group since the gate da buka. Tears were shed. Not mine lah, my other aunties and my mum's. I feel sad, to watch them go but i hope they dapat menunaikan fardu haji dengan sempurna. Insya Allah.

There was a bit of gossiping. One of my aunt didnt go. Said she had high fever. Like, hello, mak ngah's sister was also very sick but she came to send her sister off. Kelakar kan? Tak tahulah apa nak cakap lagi pasal orang2 macam ni. Bile bukan sedare, susah payah pergi rewang, bile sedara sendiri nak pegi haji pun takleh jengah sekejap. Maybe die tak happy tak? maybe pak ngah beleter pat die or something. Ape taknye, anak die berkepit ngan BF pat majlis orang kahwin anak sedare makcik aku yang lagi satu. My makcik yang eldest ade company karaoke, so anak die was there to nyanyi. Skali die bawak matair die. And berkepit pat sound system area where everyone is looking at. I was there so i know lah. My mum was giving me the what-the-hell-is-she-doing-berkepit2-with-a-guy kind of face but i told her to shut her mouth(haha, sorry mak). My eldest aunt muka tak happy. My uncle pulak tak cakap ape2. Tak malu ke buat bende macam tu depan mak sedare, bapak sedare. I mean, they are our elders, kalau da kawin tu nak berkepit ke, nak sepak2 peha ke, bolehlah, ini baru matair2.

ok, im not saying im a saint but doesnt that shows how much, or little, respect you have towards your elders? Pak ngah and pak long saw it too. I think they reached the majlis after my mum and i went off. I had to drag mum home cos i didnt want her to mengumpat and not reprimand. Kalau buat bodoh aje da kira bersubahat kan? Lebih baik ciao. Anyway, a week before, my eldest aunt, my mum and i visited Pak ngah's house. And he expressed his tak senang hati over what he saw. He said that tak kisah pakai skirt or rambut perang asal hati kita bersih, asal kita tak buat bende tak senonoh. Well, i think that's what he said lah. But this doesnt mean that he supports dye hair and the wearing of short skirts.

Anyway, mum told me that pak ngah's menantu was staring me the whole time. I was oblivious of course since i was fallin asleep due to the over exposure of old people's talk. Anyway, mum said that she looking at me with the bad look. Macam jealous or something. And i went like huh? Apeny yang die nak jealous? She's prettier than me and the rest of our sedare, except for kak mic lah. Hehehe, i told my mum, maybe die jeles tak due to the fact that she's married with a kid and im still single. Mwahaha, jahat jugak mulut aku. Tapi ini kenyataan. Bleagh. I want to watch princess hours, im hooked, totally hooked. Semalam balik keje jer terus tengok dvd die. Dari pukul 9 lebih sampai 2 pagi. Power kan?

You know, that application form for RMIT is still hidden in between all the a4 papers of scribbles and sketches. Up till now, i didnt have the courage to fill it in. I've told no one about it, well, except for a few people. I didnt even tell my mom that i printed out the form 6 months ago.

Have you ever felt the sense of hopelessness? Its like sadness, only worst. It eats you up slowly until happiness is just a smile on the face. That's what i've been feeling. Im stuck between what im dreaming to achieve and what im capable of achieving, which is sadly nothing. Some people say that i can make it, but i just cant help feeling that what they're saying is just a whole lotta crap. Im delusional, by thinking that im a creative designer, a writer, and other things which im too lazy to list.

Who am i actually? What am i going to be when i 'grow' up? I just want to be learning, designing and writing about architecture, its histories and theories behind the architectural buildings and design. Is that too much to ask for?

Im guessing that the rmit form will forever be left amidst the chaos of papers, blank notebooks and AIA insurance letters, never to be filled in and posted.

So the question is, why am i still keeping it?

yippeeeeeeee

Yay, guess what? i've bought the tix for Muse's gig!!!! Woohooo. Well, technically, norain bought it for me just now since we lambat setapak to sistic yesterday night. I didnt know sistic close at 8pm. Anyway, im gonna kidnap matthew after the gig..hehehehe...Muahahaha..my precioussss...

So, yesterday can be counted as a fruitful and eventful evening/night since i met a couple of people at bugis. I kelam kabut took cab and reach bugis, before norain, again. Macam nak kene rembat siol minah tu, aku yang keje pat bedok bole sampai dulu, die yang keje depan mata pat city hall bole sampai lambat. Come to think of it, i wasted my cab fare on her, AGAIN!!!! Im not gonna do that again. Biar die yang tunggu aku pulak.

So, as i was saying, i decided to withdraw money pat sebelah topshop, skali both of the atm's are broke, means no more cash lah. What the hell right? The cash machine has been sucked DRYYYY. Then i walked out in front of topshop and saw, jeng, jeng, jeng...Sri. He smiled and looked at me as though he's seen me everyday, like takde ape2 gitu. And i, being the selenge- and-da-lame-tak-jumpe-orang me, went like, 'Eh? you?' So embarrassing kan, a lot of people must have thought i had gone cuckoo. So, i went down to the other set of Atms and i saw Shan, the guy who used to work in my company.Wanted to tegur him but i was too shy. Well, i was scared it was the wrong person. Come to think of it, did i really see Sri in the first place? Doesnt he have NS or something? Dont tell me i smiled at a Sri lookalike!!! If i did, well, too bad lah. Nothing i can do now.

And then norain came (finally, after i took out money) and we ate at the usual prawn noodle place, chit chatted, she passed me the earrings she bought for me in KL and then we went to sistic. Skali mamat pat counter tu said that we should've come at 8pm. Bloody hell. We were quite crestfallen. hahaha, like real. So terpakse lah we go window shoppin and i saw............

APIT!!! Funny, it was only last thursday that dayah and i were talking about him and the rest of our friends. I was quite surprised to terserempak him actually. He was standing around with his girlfriend (i guess) in front of levi's store if im not wrong. And when i turn, i saw him and he saw me too. I could practically see his eyes go blink, you know, that look of recogition when you saw someone. Anyway, i decided to chit chat and do some kepoing lah. We both asked 'ko buat ape skarang?' at the same time. hehe. He looked tembam, and kind of selekeh actually. Not that cute anymore. Boohoo. And he kept saying that i looked different. Said that maybe its because i have gained some weight. Well, well, well, I think i've lost weight and that i still look the same. But looking back on what i used to look like in sec school (selenge and studious as dayah bluntly puts it), yeah, i do look kinda different. Kind of.

Would you like to know something? I used to have a little crush on him. Kahkahkah, yeah, its funny when i think of it. But yeah, dayah and i agreed that he was the cutest guy in secondary school, no one can beat him, well, there's zhafran but he's the charming abang2 sorta guy, so tak boleh lah. The thing that made him so cute was his hairstyle, his smile and what else eh? I cant remember actually. Now that cutie Apit is just a memory. Sad huh? So, do i still have feelings for him? Nah, just a lingering bittersweet feeling. But im glad i finally saw him, so now it means i've seen ain, zhaf, amin and apit this year. Im not sure what happened to the rest. Cheh, forgot to ask Apit for his number, no, not to flirt okay, just to update. And yar, i forgot to ask zhaf's number too.... Hmm...

The thing that i can vaguely remember about Apit is that he's quite hot tempered, cepat marah (or was that me?) and a bit on the crazy side. But he always, always, will make me scream out profanities everytime we go for ncc training. Macam tak sah kalau tak buat aku pekik macam perempuan giler (memang giler pun). Well, the rest also make it a point to get on my nerves lah. Im their target everytime they get bored. Sheesh, i was quite the temperamental one, and very garang and a gangster kecik. Hehe, those were the good ol days....

Well now, there is exactly 34 more days to the MUSE GIG, I CANT WAIT!!!!!! Woohoooo..

oooooooooooooooo

So, i met my sec school buddy last week. She treated me to swensens, i ate pasta, she had fish and chips and both of us had chocolate ice cream. We borak2 and she told me that she had broken up with her guy. Man, i was surprised. I thought they both are so in love and so compatible for each other. The guy said he wanted space. i think that's a lame excuse. Well, that's what we both agreed. If you have someone else, just say it. But then, he could be telling the truth about needing space. Anyway, she's fine now. I wish i could help her spy on her ex but then i dont really remember his face, heck, i dont even remember his name. Sheesh, im no good with remembering people whom i've met only once lah.

So, the thing that made me happy or should i say, comforted, was that she is still the same person she was when we were in secondary school. Full of live, independent, strong willed and she has her own pendirian and she sticks by it. Sometimes, i wish i could be like her, bold, daring and outgoing. But then, it occured to me that if i am struggling being myself and staying sane at the same time, why should i be someone else, how to BE like someone else? But im really glad i met her 7 years ago and that we are still keeping in touch. Its comforting to know that a long, long time ago, there was no such thing as work and responsibilities. that a long time ago, i was free and naive(well, maybe i still am naive)

So, someone i know is going through something right now. Dont know what it is since the person wont say. i tell you, that person is mysterious. Most of the time, i dont know what's going through the person's mind. I dont know much about the person, i cant say im close to the person, but i cant help feeling a bit sad for that person. Why should we keep everything pent up, bottled inside, shoved into the box and the keys thrown away? I just hope that person will be fine. I hope that person talks to someone and start being the normal self again.

Hehehehe, i cant wait for muse's gig next month. Its gonna be great lah, norain and i will be buying the tix tml.woohooooo..

blah, blah, blah

Because of me, my best bud had to sleep outside and was given a warning by her mum. We were at Qiji, buying popiah, when i was suddenly tempted by the steaming hot laksa. So we decided to eat before going back. And then we waited from 10 to 11pm at the blahdy taxi stand until we finally had to call a cab. What the fuck right? I thought there are LOADS of taxi companies in singapore? Where have all our taxi drivers (and taxis) gone to? My goodness, its so irritating. Anyway, next time, i wont be going jalan2 on a weekday with norain anymore, we'll keep it to weekends and we have to stop shopping (or eating) by 9pm.

So, i bought a new bag, a new pair of jeans, a tshirt and also an external hard disk for office. That reminds me that i have to back up all my files. We talked about work, clothes and of course how the rest of our friends are doing. Abel suddenly got into the picture. Hehe, we could clearly hear his voice just by reading his sms. This goes for Aimi too since the way she speaks is so,different. Alah, beruk language mah..haha.

Yeap, three years stuck together and you could read your friends minds or predict their reaction just like that. For my case, both norain and i will always touch the same bag, blouse, shoes, etc, everytime we step into a shop. So much so that it gets pretty scary and irritating sometimes. And yeah, friends are always there to listen to you curse the world upside down. hehe, i do that often, cant help it. But sometimes, there's always a limit doesnt it? To all the gossips and heart to heart talks. You cant tell someone EVERYTHING. That would take forever. And you cant blog about your deepest, deepest desires/secrets/etc.

Even freedom of speech has a limitation to how 'Free' it is. Heck, even in design. There are always limitations, boundaries, rules, demarcations and such, to prevent you from spinning around senselessly. There has to be a boundary or else it will never stop. So, this reminds me of Sagrada Familia. Wonder how it looks like now. If the architect is not alive, his intention only vaguely known and his drawings/sketches lost or destroyed, how do you keep his design, alive, true and pure? You can only guess and assume that this is what he wants. But being unfinished makes it all the more wonderful, since it mirrors life itself, mysterious and unpredictable at times. Why the hell am i writing this anyway?? Guess i miss the old dude's theory lessons.

Oh, i watched on tvmobile this morning snippets of Frank gehry's biography or something. Hmm, it must be nice. But i bet its going to be a different approach from Lois Kahn's. That is abit more personal i think. Well, i cant remember much lah. Im tired and i think its almost that time of the month, so yar, mood swings are expected to come, ranging from deliriously happy to the deepest depression. Fark, im not making sense anymore.