Tucked beneath the blankets
I walk around in the crowd
moving through invisible bodies
which spoke in tongues
and dressed in gold
that gray, grey halo
enveloping the m
bleak and dreary they were
chanced upon a bug on mushroom
smoking pot snifffffing glue
handed me a wad of bills
to burn at the threshold of my windowsill
A scream a whissssper a silent plea
to stop the cats from running free

As usual nothing makes sense. I believe i have come to terms with the fact that my dreams make much more sense than my life. So when things fuck up, i'll just go to sleep and forget about it for awhile. Havent been doing this lately since im always preoccupied with work and my tiredness but today it came back again. The need to write it out was overwhelming. If only life was more interesting for me to write about. If only we arent so caught up with chasing deadlines, maybe we would have the time to appreciate just spending 5 mins looking at the world.

Syukur alhamdullilah.

'Shut the f*ck up will ya??!!!!'

Yes, that's what i wanted to screech out on the phone when these bunch of bloody assholes called me up and demanded i send in the confirmation details by noon. But i cant do that see,since i'll be working with these idiots in the long run and we dont want any(more) problems in the future do we? I, for one, am not ready to be sabotaged by these dirty minded dodols. And to add to the misery, frustration and also kekanchiong-an that imencountering/feeling/

experiencing, they had to call me up 5/6 times every hour. And then we have the senile bastard who is in the menopausal stage of his sad life, cursing/insulting me at the background as i talk to one of his colleagues on the phone. Like HELLO you Apek, im not deaf ok?

Oh yeah, we have the client's employees who kept emailing asking for qoutation for small items. Do you expect me to go to the stalls at the beach and say this;

'Ermm, excuse me, can give me qoutation for slipper,beach ball, that blue bikini, this spade, etc,etc, and oh the packet of malboro too. And can pay with cheque or not?'

Bloody hell, if these people were within my grasp, i would have strangled them to death, no, wait, i would have washed their mouth with bleach, scrubbed it with the toilet detergent, put in mothballs, kapur barus and THEN i will strangle them to death.

Yeah, i know we are running out of time but cant you just follow my instructions? And bloody shit, do i have to give the pantone of EVERY.SINGLE.DAMN.THING? My goodness, they are really sucking my blood dry...

im very much perplexed, frustrated, tired, nervous, sad, pissed off, angry and also hungry at the same time. seems like everything stems from my incompetence and slow response, as usual, since im the designer, everyone will blame me for the late stuff...thanks man, that's what i love about being a designer.....

Anyway, have you ever felt that some people are just too nice until it borders around creepy? For example, this supplier guy that you work with , drops by at the office to send in samples and compliments on your look or your 'effeciency'. And you said thanks and smile, smile. Then the next visit for another prohect, he compliments again and that's what he kept doing everytime he visits you... Isnt that a bit freaky? Or maybe that person was just trying to be nice??? Hmmm..

I just realised how thin i've become when i grabbed my youngest sister's wrist the other day. And i went like, 'OH MY GOD!!!', while my sis went 'OW, stop squeezing my wrists!!' I cant believe that im bonier than her!!! Even the back of her palm is more meatier than mine. Haiz, gotta gain weight so that i wont look so sickly, not that i think i look sickly but other people keep saying that and well, you know what i mean. But 46 kg is ok for a person my height right?(which is actually 1.52m)

Anyway, i know this is kind of lembap and basi news but i just want to write a few words on Pan's Labyrinth. Such a beautiful movie but with a very sad ending. The theme is fairy tale and fascism. Unlikely combination but if you really think about it, it gels so well, since the real fairy tale isnt like what Disney has portrayed. I cant stop thinking about it, its like dejavu, or to be more exact, it brings along the the melancholic feeling. Maybe as a kid, we might have encountered the feeling Ophelia felt, maybe im just blabering nonsense. But yeah, i feel like watching it again, its so magical and, it just tugs at your soul lah..sheesh, dont know how to describe it.

Suppliers are calling me and asking whether there is an extension to the handover date for this project. Like hell, as if i know, the bloody arseholic bastard who sounded so nice and sweet on the phone this morning definitely wont tell me right? Since he's acting all superior like, authority crazed bugger, i'll let him be then. Let him answer to all these important stuff then.

So, im sleepy and bored, my mind decided to switch to lazy mode just when things are going to get super hectic. And im soo tempted to change this blogskin. And im super hungry, super thirsty and super dee duper in need of window shopping time. CNY coming, NTUC, sheng siong, etc all selling snacks, drinks and stuff. I feel kind of excited on their part, hope there are good shows to watch on tv.

maybe, the reason why we're feeling guilty when we read back and all we've talked or blogged about is about ourself, is because all these while, these bloggings used to be in diaries or journals where no one would get access to. Where no one would know how shitty we feel, how stupid or how proud we get at certain situations and how lonely we feel when everybody has that special someone next to them and we dont. Its because now, we know that others are reading and also judging us. And maybe this makes us insecure. As for me, although, i've said countless times that i dont give a fuck's arse what people think of me, for that one second, it does hurt when people see me as a fool, a bitch, a selenge, or even just a girl. We ARE only humans. Humans have FEELINGS. And though there's the language barrier, i know you're talking shit about me, just by looking at the way you talk and your facial expression.

Have you ever wondered whether you are living in the matrix? Yeah, lame but seriously, im starting to think that everything is fake. I've attended meetings where i sit and listen to people talk and i went like 'What the hell am i doing here?' . This equation doesnt fit, work=money=food. But in work, there's crap+blood+tears+frustration+etc,yada,yada,yada. Im not saying that we dont have to work but some people are just so damn assholic, its like, are you from earth or did hell just decided to spit you out? And im not expecting a fairy tale or the good always overcomes the evil, but you have to understand, life is already stressful enough with having to deal with workload and thinking about the sinful thing we call money, i dont need more stress coming from you. You, who is also going through the same thing as me and the rest of the working population on Earth. God knows how much pleasure you people derive out of demeaning people and shouting at them across the phone just because of some stupid chair.

Seriously, i dont need all this. And i definitely dont need to be facing people who hears voices saying that we are badmouthing about them to other people. But then again, its just work, at the end of the day, i dont get to spend the rest of my life with them, so that's one of the comforting thoughts.

In conclusion, this entry makes no sense at all. So bite me.

Hardy har har..

Thanks to those ppl who remembered my birthday and sent birthday wishes through friendster and sms. It means a lot to me guys. So, thanks, i will try not to forget your birthdays..hehe.. Im sick today, actually, since yesterday, at batam. Heh, it was a really pleasant surprise to have Marinah's aunt bringing out a chocolate cake and then for the rest to bring out the presents. Haha, if not for the fever, i would have been jumping up and down with glee. But it was a nice short trip, though i overspent at matahari and had to change money again to pay CT...hehehe, next time, count what you buy Di...Well, when im rich one day(as if), i will buy a house near the beach for mum and dad, let that be their weekend house. Mum can sleep and cook and do whatever she wants while dad can do gardening, keep pet birds or have a large aquarium or something.

Hmm, dont know what else to blog, my head still blahdy hurts like crap. Yesterday was fun even though the shopping part wasnt satisfying enough.I loved the beach, the sun and the sea breeze. Reminded me of late granny's kampung. Reminded me of her. And reminded me of him whom i've forgotten a long time ago. The familiar which looks unfamiliar. How do you resurface or actually, get back the lost or repressed/suppressed memory of someone? How?

05/02