I HATE HATE HATE YOU YUNNIEE!!!!

OMG!!!OMG!!! OMG!!!!!

i saw the pictures for the seoul mirotic concert and it looked so DAMN GOOD...really menyesal tak simpan duit to go there. But the thing that really pisses me off till i couldnt sleep well last night was the fact that Yunnie, OUR DEAR BELOVED Yunnie, danced a hot sexy number wit a sexy girl in short shirt dress, siap dengan kissing pose as a finale. My heart couldnt take it, felt like being ripped out. That girl even blushed and giggled when she sat on his lap, HIS LAP!!!!! HIS LAP!!!! HIS LAP FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i bet she was gloating inside...

But yunnie looks not so comfortable touching her. i bet he's feeling guilty towards Boojae.. HOW COULD YOU YUNNIE???? why are you doing this to me, boo jae and the rest of your self confessed wives, girlfriends, lovers,etc.. Not fair, im so heartbroken right now that i resorted to reading YunJae fics in order to calm down my nerves. Why Baby WHY??? The only person you can do a sexy dance with is Boo Jae and no one else. No touching of other girls you hear me?? At least not until i find myself a boyfriend to dote over.. and dont tell me you're doing it again for today and tomorrow's concert...pleaseeee nooo my fragile heart cant take it lah.....

my vision of you and me walking down the aisle shattered just like that (no harm dreaming right?) Do you know that you are husband material? I WANT TO MARRY YOU YUNNIE!!!! Actually, it used to be takuya kimura but i found out 2 weeks ago that he's been cheating on his wife, what a player. Haiz, my image of perfect husband material musnah hancur berkecai. Actually, i kinda had a feeling that kimutaku is a flirt/player from the characters he played and his real life character, but it still is too shocking to find out that your dream guy of 8 years would do this kind of thing. Aish....

these few days gonna be unbearable, i dont think i can dream about yunnie since the image of that girl sitting on his lap keeps popping up in my mind!!! damn you!!
*runs off to sulk in the toilet*

sometimes i float away

to somewhere and i dont know if i can come back down to earth. Usually it feels like i've been dragged down into the deep murky nothingness, without ever knowing if i will ever resurface. The only thing waking me up from these endlessly repeating episodes is your soothing voice, calling me, leading me back to sanity and reality. Your fingertips sends sharp jolts of current through my spine, your hypnotizing gaze boring into my eyes, your voice like a lullaby, able to calm the fiercest storms raging within my soul.

you offered your warm hand, which at times i shoved aside out of spite, but most of the time,i will grasp it tightly and hold it to my heart, claiming what is rightfully mine all along. And that smile, it never fails to melt the ice which had somehow formed in those tiny crevices of my heart.

sometimes i wonder if you are an angel in disguise, sent to look over me, to protect me from doing all those stupid and dangerous stuff.

--------------------------------------

i've read too much of those fics where boo was the one who betrayed yunnie. Even though its not real, i cant stand yunnie being betrayed, i cant imagine his disappointed face, its hurting me even more. I really wish i can see more real life YunJae, for the sake of my sanity. Yes, other than work, sleep and eating and other miscellaneous stuff, YunJae is keeping me sane. Nonsense ne? to me its not.

i couldnt continue the above, since im dreaming of something else at the same time, which i'll keep to myself for awhile longer..(^__^) hi hi hi... but that yunjae dream which i still cant seem to recall keeps bugging me, its slowly driving me crazy..and 2 nights ago, i dreamt of us..Yunnie, boo and i..how nice..

Note to self: due to recent rise of high blood pressure victims within the family members/relatives, please take care of thyself. You dont want to end up beign prescribed those pills in 10 years time.

another day wasted~~

another day wasted with switching the pc on and off since its gone all bonkers. No, its not my dell, its the old HP which keeps restarting. Bloody hell my time all wasted trying to plot the dwgs in jpg. I seriously need someone to help restore the idiotic pc back to normal working condition.

anyway, its been tiring. But no worries, i've got yunjae to fill in the emptiness. Hahaha, say what you wanna say but i am a YunJae addict through and through. All this fluff on yunjae, seriously my brain is turning into mush. Some of those fanfictions are really too beautiful till i cried. Its that good, even if you changed the character's names to other people. My point is, well, why do i feel guilty reading those fictions? its not like im a perv right? Its just mindless and harmless fangirling outlet right? Right? All those yaoi stuff, well i tend to skip the hardcore ones, so i just read the fluff ones..yes i know, yaoi is still yaoi..

Haiz...i wonder what Yunnie baby's doing right now. He's soo cute and hot. but these days, i seem to squeal a lot more on junsu and changmin's pix as well. Yati has joined in the squealing too, and at yunho's pix mind you. I was just about to strangle her neck when she squealed at his ichigo mag pix but then i remembered that i had ogled and drooled at jae's pix more than a few hundres times so i guess we're even. But yesterday, we had to squeal quietly at junsu's cutesy pix, you dont wanna know how possessive adik can be over her dolphin boy. the last time i had mistaken junsu for yunho (i know, how stupid can i get kan? but it was mostly yati's fault), she was sulking at me for the whole entire week seh. aish...i wonder what would happen if junsu got a girlfriend. Or worst, if her junki has a girlfriend, ishh, i dont wanna imagine.

_________________________________________________________________

boo

do you remember what i said to you that night?
when you snuggled next to me on the balcony
as we watched the starry night sky?
"its cold out here, hold my hand and i'll never let go"
im sorry i made that promise to you

you knew why my hands were still cold and shaking
even when you held on tightly
so much so that both our knuckles turned white
we both know that you knew about it all along
the unspoken truth always lingers in between us
but we were just afraid to confront it
im sorry that i was too afraid

i couldnt keep up the pretense and the lies
but i couldnt tell you the truth
about those strange monthly trips to god knows where
those discreet calls i took behind the closet door
and the times i closed myself off from you after those calls and trips
im sorry for pushing you away

walking out the door was the last thing i wanted to do
leaving our sanctuary, our haven, our home
where we shared countless heart to heart late night conversations
laughters and giggles over cheesy movies,
even the tears and violent fights over petty jealousies
i wanted those times to last forever but
forever was just not possible

i just had to run away, yes i was a coward
but i was too afraid to see the sadness in your eyes
if it somehow appeases you, those months without you
were so unbearable that i cried myself to sleep
every S.I.N.G.L.E damn day
my purpose was to live with the guilt
as punishment for all those tears you shed
those heartaches, those times you worried
you dont need to know where i was those past few months
it'll just break you heart even more

how have you been lately?
Are you eating well?
have you made more friends at your new workplace?
these are among the million questions i wanted to ask when we meet again
but look where we are now, you're looking down on me
and im looking down at you
or up depending on where i get sent to..haha

im sorry i had to leave,
without a kiss, a bear hug, a cuddle
or even a goodbye, no goodbyes for us, boo
because saying goodbye just makes it seem that everything has ended
this love, OUR LOVE will never end
so just take your time, boo
cos i'll be waiting for you no matter how long it takes

i have always loved you, please remember that
and please smile like you always used to
laugh like you used to
live like you used to when i was with you
please keep our love alive
no matter who you're with in the future

loving you always
Yunnie

ps: dont forget to bring me those white roses whenever you visit..i'll be keeping tabs from up here.

...........................................

you looked down on the stone slab at your feet. The tears just wont stop flowing just like the rain beating down upon your back. Clutching the now crumpled and damp letter tightly in one hand, you placed a bouquet of white roses down on the stone slab with the other. After searching for him for several painful months, this wasnt what you expected. You were expecting him to be on his knees, asking for your forgiveness but all you got was his gravestone staring back up at you. You bend down on your knees, fingering his name etched on the marble slab. You could feel the sobs coming out of your chest again. Crouching down on the gravestone, HIS gravestone, lying with your wet cheeks directly above his name...

"wait for me yunnie, we'll be together again one day...i love you..."

_________________________________________________________________________

how? maybe i need to rework this. haiz..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING!!!!

Dearest Yunho
Happy birthday dude. Hope today you get to celebrate even with your tight schedule. Even though i've been a fan only for a few months, somehow it feels like forever. Hope you'll be happy always no matter what you're doing. Stay healthy always. And i hope you find your true love soon, even though my heart (and other hundreds of fan girls hearts) will break into a million pieces, your happiness is most important. Last but not least, stay sexy and cool always Leader ssi..love ya lots...<3

With love
Diana

ps: i know this is cheesy, only fangirls would understand how i feel.