I read KX's blog about today being the last friday of the year. It just makes me feel so sad. We're closing one chapter of our lives and opening a new one. 'Leaving' 2006... its like leaving your love. Well, i dont know how it feels like to leave your love but anyhoo, im getting into the melancholic and reminiscing mode now, so bear with me.

This year has been crazy, what with trying to stay sane and finish up DID, then graduating, then thinking and planning for the 'future' and then getting shoved into the working life. Work has been crazy as well, no doubt about it. Lost a few relatives, 3 grand uncles passed away. Lost weight due to work (this is good actually, i can finally proudly proclaim that i can fit into a 25 inch jeans. HAHAHA). Lost my mind a couple of times. Lost hope. Loss, that's what 2006 is all about. And i just got to know from mum that the old man's company will be shutting down on 28th February next year. So that's one more loss. Im just wondering, anymore losses for me within these 2 days before 2007 comes barging in the front door?

Yeah, i know, that wasnt funny. I want to laugh but it feels like i might just cry out instead. The laughter and the tears are stuck together. Mum told me she's stressed out right now. That's so like her, to be stressed out over things like these. I know, this is a serious issue but its not the end of the world. There are other jobs out there, its just a matter of finding it.

It feels like im carrying the burden of the world on me. I feel so lonely, very lonely actually. I dont know who i am anymore. Who is Diana, Nana and Di?I feel like i am 2 or 3 different people each day.Its like im acting out what each character will do, say or feel. What the fuck, im not making sense now.

I've realised that im the sentimental one. I never liked throwing away stuff, especially papers with notes, scribbles, sketches, numbers and doodles. I never threw away notebooks, especially the half filled ones. I never threw away birthday cards, shopping bags, empty perfume bottles, receipts, letters from BFF's in primary and secondary school, yearbooks and even blurred photos. I always hold on to the thought or the idea that these things are valuable and will be of use in the future. I still kept the unused wood from past projects, and i tore apart my t3 from year 2 (it was a tough decision, either the whole model goes or it stays, but in pieces). I kept the my onto too, i dont know what for since its cheapo wood. But yeah, i tend to hold on to things which relate to other memories.

Man, this entry is boring, so lets tukar channel pulak. Oh, people usually write new year's resolution right around this time right? I wrote one once during year 1 of DID. I can still picture the layout on my black notebook and my scrawny handwriting all over, though i cant remember what i wrote. What i can remember is that i didnt get to achieve most of it. So i'll just make a new list for next year, even though i might forget about it in a couple of days.

Resolutions for the YEAR 2007

1. Buy more jeans
2. Lose a few more inches off my waist and thighs
3. Curl my hair when it grows longer
4. Buy the Gola shoe that looks sooo coool.
5. Get a new pair of specs.
6. Buy the books, cds, dvd which i had intended to get (built upon love by alberto perez gomez, the cabinet of Dr caligari, just to name a few)

ok, ok, these are the serious resolutions...

7. Save money, save money, save money!!!! ( just in case i nak kawin ke ape, HAHA, actually this is so that i can go Uni lah)
8. Take driving course, 3d course (to brush up on my bad 3d skills) and maybe journalism course (who knows i might be a journalist or something, haha) Note to self: this is depending on whether i have the time and money.
9. Learn to shedule my time properly, do up daily working schedule every friday, organise my files in an ORGANISED manner.
10. Try to smile more (like real, i've nothing else to write lah)

Yeah, so that's it lah. I wanted to write 'get a boyfriend' at number 10 but that just seems so wrong, and not to mention desparate, so, yar. Here's wishing that hopefully the year 2007 will bring joy to everyone, and may everyone be more patient, courteous, strong willed, and yada, yada, yada.

I pray to God that He gives us the strength, courage and patience for whatever He has planned for us.

BO

Nothing much to write since nothing much happened. Well, we sent my Pak ngah and mak ngah to the airport on Christmas morning. They were going for Haj, just like norain's mom. Reached pak ngah's house at around 10 plus at night, and we chit chatted and joked around. Boarded the rented bus at 12pm and reached airport around 1pm. It was bloody packed, until counter 11. And then we waited in front of counter 5 while taking pictures with my uncle and aunt. I went off in search of norain, to meet her mum before she berangkat. Walked to counter(or isit gate?) 1, but they werent there, so we walked all the way to counter 11. Managed to talk for awhile but we went back to our group since the gate da buka. Tears were shed. Not mine lah, my other aunties and my mum's. I feel sad, to watch them go but i hope they dapat menunaikan fardu haji dengan sempurna. Insya Allah.

There was a bit of gossiping. One of my aunt didnt go. Said she had high fever. Like, hello, mak ngah's sister was also very sick but she came to send her sister off. Kelakar kan? Tak tahulah apa nak cakap lagi pasal orang2 macam ni. Bile bukan sedare, susah payah pergi rewang, bile sedara sendiri nak pegi haji pun takleh jengah sekejap. Maybe die tak happy tak? maybe pak ngah beleter pat die or something. Ape taknye, anak die berkepit ngan BF pat majlis orang kahwin anak sedare makcik aku yang lagi satu. My makcik yang eldest ade company karaoke, so anak die was there to nyanyi. Skali die bawak matair die. And berkepit pat sound system area where everyone is looking at. I was there so i know lah. My mum was giving me the what-the-hell-is-she-doing-berkepit2-with-a-guy kind of face but i told her to shut her mouth(haha, sorry mak). My eldest aunt muka tak happy. My uncle pulak tak cakap ape2. Tak malu ke buat bende macam tu depan mak sedare, bapak sedare. I mean, they are our elders, kalau da kawin tu nak berkepit ke, nak sepak2 peha ke, bolehlah, ini baru matair2.

ok, im not saying im a saint but doesnt that shows how much, or little, respect you have towards your elders? Pak ngah and pak long saw it too. I think they reached the majlis after my mum and i went off. I had to drag mum home cos i didnt want her to mengumpat and not reprimand. Kalau buat bodoh aje da kira bersubahat kan? Lebih baik ciao. Anyway, a week before, my eldest aunt, my mum and i visited Pak ngah's house. And he expressed his tak senang hati over what he saw. He said that tak kisah pakai skirt or rambut perang asal hati kita bersih, asal kita tak buat bende tak senonoh. Well, i think that's what he said lah. But this doesnt mean that he supports dye hair and the wearing of short skirts.

Anyway, mum told me that pak ngah's menantu was staring me the whole time. I was oblivious of course since i was fallin asleep due to the over exposure of old people's talk. Anyway, mum said that she looking at me with the bad look. Macam jealous or something. And i went like huh? Apeny yang die nak jealous? She's prettier than me and the rest of our sedare, except for kak mic lah. Hehehe, i told my mum, maybe die jeles tak due to the fact that she's married with a kid and im still single. Mwahaha, jahat jugak mulut aku. Tapi ini kenyataan. Bleagh. I want to watch princess hours, im hooked, totally hooked. Semalam balik keje jer terus tengok dvd die. Dari pukul 9 lebih sampai 2 pagi. Power kan?

You know, that application form for RMIT is still hidden in between all the a4 papers of scribbles and sketches. Up till now, i didnt have the courage to fill it in. I've told no one about it, well, except for a few people. I didnt even tell my mom that i printed out the form 6 months ago.

Have you ever felt the sense of hopelessness? Its like sadness, only worst. It eats you up slowly until happiness is just a smile on the face. That's what i've been feeling. Im stuck between what im dreaming to achieve and what im capable of achieving, which is sadly nothing. Some people say that i can make it, but i just cant help feeling that what they're saying is just a whole lotta crap. Im delusional, by thinking that im a creative designer, a writer, and other things which im too lazy to list.

Who am i actually? What am i going to be when i 'grow' up? I just want to be learning, designing and writing about architecture, its histories and theories behind the architectural buildings and design. Is that too much to ask for?

Im guessing that the rmit form will forever be left amidst the chaos of papers, blank notebooks and AIA insurance letters, never to be filled in and posted.

So the question is, why am i still keeping it?

yippeeeeeeee

Yay, guess what? i've bought the tix for Muse's gig!!!! Woohooo. Well, technically, norain bought it for me just now since we lambat setapak to sistic yesterday night. I didnt know sistic close at 8pm. Anyway, im gonna kidnap matthew after the gig..hehehehe...Muahahaha..my precioussss...

So, yesterday can be counted as a fruitful and eventful evening/night since i met a couple of people at bugis. I kelam kabut took cab and reach bugis, before norain, again. Macam nak kene rembat siol minah tu, aku yang keje pat bedok bole sampai dulu, die yang keje depan mata pat city hall bole sampai lambat. Come to think of it, i wasted my cab fare on her, AGAIN!!!! Im not gonna do that again. Biar die yang tunggu aku pulak.

So, as i was saying, i decided to withdraw money pat sebelah topshop, skali both of the atm's are broke, means no more cash lah. What the hell right? The cash machine has been sucked DRYYYY. Then i walked out in front of topshop and saw, jeng, jeng, jeng...Sri. He smiled and looked at me as though he's seen me everyday, like takde ape2 gitu. And i, being the selenge- and-da-lame-tak-jumpe-orang me, went like, 'Eh? you?' So embarrassing kan, a lot of people must have thought i had gone cuckoo. So, i went down to the other set of Atms and i saw Shan, the guy who used to work in my company.Wanted to tegur him but i was too shy. Well, i was scared it was the wrong person. Come to think of it, did i really see Sri in the first place? Doesnt he have NS or something? Dont tell me i smiled at a Sri lookalike!!! If i did, well, too bad lah. Nothing i can do now.

And then norain came (finally, after i took out money) and we ate at the usual prawn noodle place, chit chatted, she passed me the earrings she bought for me in KL and then we went to sistic. Skali mamat pat counter tu said that we should've come at 8pm. Bloody hell. We were quite crestfallen. hahaha, like real. So terpakse lah we go window shoppin and i saw............

APIT!!! Funny, it was only last thursday that dayah and i were talking about him and the rest of our friends. I was quite surprised to terserempak him actually. He was standing around with his girlfriend (i guess) in front of levi's store if im not wrong. And when i turn, i saw him and he saw me too. I could practically see his eyes go blink, you know, that look of recogition when you saw someone. Anyway, i decided to chit chat and do some kepoing lah. We both asked 'ko buat ape skarang?' at the same time. hehe. He looked tembam, and kind of selekeh actually. Not that cute anymore. Boohoo. And he kept saying that i looked different. Said that maybe its because i have gained some weight. Well, well, well, I think i've lost weight and that i still look the same. But looking back on what i used to look like in sec school (selenge and studious as dayah bluntly puts it), yeah, i do look kinda different. Kind of.

Would you like to know something? I used to have a little crush on him. Kahkahkah, yeah, its funny when i think of it. But yeah, dayah and i agreed that he was the cutest guy in secondary school, no one can beat him, well, there's zhafran but he's the charming abang2 sorta guy, so tak boleh lah. The thing that made him so cute was his hairstyle, his smile and what else eh? I cant remember actually. Now that cutie Apit is just a memory. Sad huh? So, do i still have feelings for him? Nah, just a lingering bittersweet feeling. But im glad i finally saw him, so now it means i've seen ain, zhaf, amin and apit this year. Im not sure what happened to the rest. Cheh, forgot to ask Apit for his number, no, not to flirt okay, just to update. And yar, i forgot to ask zhaf's number too.... Hmm...

The thing that i can vaguely remember about Apit is that he's quite hot tempered, cepat marah (or was that me?) and a bit on the crazy side. But he always, always, will make me scream out profanities everytime we go for ncc training. Macam tak sah kalau tak buat aku pekik macam perempuan giler (memang giler pun). Well, the rest also make it a point to get on my nerves lah. Im their target everytime they get bored. Sheesh, i was quite the temperamental one, and very garang and a gangster kecik. Hehe, those were the good ol days....

Well now, there is exactly 34 more days to the MUSE GIG, I CANT WAIT!!!!!! Woohoooo..

oooooooooooooooo

So, i met my sec school buddy last week. She treated me to swensens, i ate pasta, she had fish and chips and both of us had chocolate ice cream. We borak2 and she told me that she had broken up with her guy. Man, i was surprised. I thought they both are so in love and so compatible for each other. The guy said he wanted space. i think that's a lame excuse. Well, that's what we both agreed. If you have someone else, just say it. But then, he could be telling the truth about needing space. Anyway, she's fine now. I wish i could help her spy on her ex but then i dont really remember his face, heck, i dont even remember his name. Sheesh, im no good with remembering people whom i've met only once lah.

So, the thing that made me happy or should i say, comforted, was that she is still the same person she was when we were in secondary school. Full of live, independent, strong willed and she has her own pendirian and she sticks by it. Sometimes, i wish i could be like her, bold, daring and outgoing. But then, it occured to me that if i am struggling being myself and staying sane at the same time, why should i be someone else, how to BE like someone else? But im really glad i met her 7 years ago and that we are still keeping in touch. Its comforting to know that a long, long time ago, there was no such thing as work and responsibilities. that a long time ago, i was free and naive(well, maybe i still am naive)

So, someone i know is going through something right now. Dont know what it is since the person wont say. i tell you, that person is mysterious. Most of the time, i dont know what's going through the person's mind. I dont know much about the person, i cant say im close to the person, but i cant help feeling a bit sad for that person. Why should we keep everything pent up, bottled inside, shoved into the box and the keys thrown away? I just hope that person will be fine. I hope that person talks to someone and start being the normal self again.

Hehehehe, i cant wait for muse's gig next month. Its gonna be great lah, norain and i will be buying the tix tml.woohooooo..

blah, blah, blah

Because of me, my best bud had to sleep outside and was given a warning by her mum. We were at Qiji, buying popiah, when i was suddenly tempted by the steaming hot laksa. So we decided to eat before going back. And then we waited from 10 to 11pm at the blahdy taxi stand until we finally had to call a cab. What the fuck right? I thought there are LOADS of taxi companies in singapore? Where have all our taxi drivers (and taxis) gone to? My goodness, its so irritating. Anyway, next time, i wont be going jalan2 on a weekday with norain anymore, we'll keep it to weekends and we have to stop shopping (or eating) by 9pm.

So, i bought a new bag, a new pair of jeans, a tshirt and also an external hard disk for office. That reminds me that i have to back up all my files. We talked about work, clothes and of course how the rest of our friends are doing. Abel suddenly got into the picture. Hehe, we could clearly hear his voice just by reading his sms. This goes for Aimi too since the way she speaks is so,different. Alah, beruk language mah..haha.

Yeap, three years stuck together and you could read your friends minds or predict their reaction just like that. For my case, both norain and i will always touch the same bag, blouse, shoes, etc, everytime we step into a shop. So much so that it gets pretty scary and irritating sometimes. And yeah, friends are always there to listen to you curse the world upside down. hehe, i do that often, cant help it. But sometimes, there's always a limit doesnt it? To all the gossips and heart to heart talks. You cant tell someone EVERYTHING. That would take forever. And you cant blog about your deepest, deepest desires/secrets/etc.

Even freedom of speech has a limitation to how 'Free' it is. Heck, even in design. There are always limitations, boundaries, rules, demarcations and such, to prevent you from spinning around senselessly. There has to be a boundary or else it will never stop. So, this reminds me of Sagrada Familia. Wonder how it looks like now. If the architect is not alive, his intention only vaguely known and his drawings/sketches lost or destroyed, how do you keep his design, alive, true and pure? You can only guess and assume that this is what he wants. But being unfinished makes it all the more wonderful, since it mirrors life itself, mysterious and unpredictable at times. Why the hell am i writing this anyway?? Guess i miss the old dude's theory lessons.

Oh, i watched on tvmobile this morning snippets of Frank gehry's biography or something. Hmm, it must be nice. But i bet its going to be a different approach from Lois Kahn's. That is abit more personal i think. Well, i cant remember much lah. Im tired and i think its almost that time of the month, so yar, mood swings are expected to come, ranging from deliriously happy to the deepest depression. Fark, im not making sense anymore.

Sing for Absolution

Yes i admit i've been very busy lately and too lazy to blog. I've soo much stuff to write about but time is very precious for me right now. We have a lot of projects coming up at the same time. Yar, like what the fuck right? These projects are sprouting out like mushrooms lepas hujan. Anyway, since i bet i'll be super blahdy damn busy till christmas, wait, no, until next year actually, or forever (blahdy fuck), i thought i'll just write in to remind myself of this kinda free moment in my life.

What was it that i wanted to write again? Oh, yeah, the cafe that i'll be working on is starting soon, i have to draft out the programme timeline, the meetings with the landlord, client and also contractors and suppliers. Imagine ME, haivng to lead these people and order them around. God, its soo mind boggling and not to mention extremely perplexing and you bet your 50 cents im hyper ventilating right about now. Oh God, what if they ask me about details and stuff? what if i said i dont know again? what if i said i'll ask my boss again? WHAT IF I MADE THE THINKING FACE AGAIN (which always comes across to people that im spacing or blanking out, sheesh)

If you must know, those are all the stuff that im not supposed to say or do in front of people. MUST. REMIND.MYSELF.NOT.TO.SAY.ALL.THAT!!!

So, i was given another lecture by Mama Yoda on people, life, release, and attitude. Too long so i wont bother blogging about it. But it sure made me rethink of what i've been doing. I must say that in this line, we have to be very cautious or should i say sensitive of how we react, our reactions always affect people, in one way or another. And this kind of sucks since i dont like some people and i dont want to be associated with them or be nice to them. I dont even want to acknowledge them. But its weird since when you meet the person, you have to be cordial. PRETEND NOTHING HAPPEN. But its still weird, so i guess i wont tahan long in this design industry, too much politics and mind games.

And life at home has been the same, except that now i wake up to the cries of Tom and Jerry. Yeap, we have 2 kittens who are very, very hyperactive. And they really love to wrestle on top of our heads while we're sleeping. And yeah, im super dee duper broke because the insurance company cut off my moolah on the 15th. Bloody assholes. And we're always short of cash nowadays due to my old man's company yang nak tutup tapi tak tutup2 pastu asik kasi workers off 2/3 minggu. Haiz.

So, i gotta go. One day, i will write in again. That is if im still sane and breathing.

im not o-fucking-k

It just seems nice to put that for the title of my post, not that im really not ok, its just that..haiz, too lazy to blog about it.

Anyway, im sick and tired of everyone asking and hinting on me to get a guy friend. My aunt is going on and on, telling me to get a boyfriend, talking about marrriage, yikes, im only 20 for God's sake. And she will counter attack this remark by saying that so and so's daughter is already married at 17. She doesnt want me to kahwin lambat. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Who cares if i get married late or not get married at all? That's all in the future and its not the time yet. And she was forcing me to look extra nice just because we're going to someone's wedding, someone who's not related to me at all! I should have just worn the ugliest and baggiest baju kurung just to piss her off. haha. She told me to wear kebaya in the first place but i said its already night time and why do i need to dress up so nicely? Its not as if i can find the love of my life at a wedding right? Hahaha, that's so funny, gosh, i crack myself up sometimes. well, i didnt say that to her, didnt want her to start lecturing on and on about love, marriage and blah, blah, blah.

Dont get me wrong, i love my aunt just as much as i love my mum but she loves to nag, a lot. And she was soo pissed off when my mum joked that i might nikah pat mahkamah. You should have seen the look on her face. Hehehe.

Well, the point is, what's wrong with being single? Im ok this way. Not that i dont want one but if i cant find one, then i'll just wait lah.

BEEP!!

But of course, when you say you understand, do you really mean it? One thing is for sure, NO ONE really understands what im going through. You say you do but in reality, you just assume, guess and try to connect/relate your pain with mine but what im feeling, my definition of pain, of loneliness, of emptiness, of exhaustion, weariness, embarrassment, and whatever stupid depressing feelings that you can think of, is totally different from yours.

Sacrifices have to be made but some people just wont let me make them. They need my help but they turned their backs on me and said that im too hardworking, that im drifting away. Where is the moral support when you need it the most? The future is still, shaky, and its finally my turn to help out but no one understands that in order to help out, i'll not be there most of the time. Im tired, they know im tired and yet they ask me to leave everything behind at the end of each day. Yes, i've done a lot of thinking and that, loads of times since last week. And because of all this stuff, i found out i lost weight, from 27 waist size, dropped down to 25. But maybe my jeans da longgar, stretched. Anyway, weight lost is of no significance right now. I need rest but my blood is being sucked dry.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..............................................................................................

Im so fucking fed up. These sick assholes, bastards and bitches are makign my life afucking living hell. I get scolded from my mum, my boss, and then i get scoled by the fuckingwhore of a graphic person who doesnt even have the brains to register my stupid simple english and yet says that i keep asking her to change the layout. Excuse me, i explained to you and you do it blindly, fucking hoe. I feel like jumping off this building. And the stupid client keeps wanting to change the fucking layout as if that is the only project that im doing right now. Hello, your shop is not the only shop in the world which is opening in a few fucking days

I DONT HAVE THE FUCKING PATIENCE TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!! THIS FUCKING SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF ME.AND I MIGHT JUST COLLAPSE AND DIE WIITHOUT ANYONE KNOWING UNTIL THE WHOLE PALCE STINKS OF MY ROTTING FLESH. FUCK TO ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO JUST FIND IT FUN TO TORMENT ME AND DEMEAN ME , FUCKING CIBAIS.

I JUST WANNA TAKE A BREAK, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR? iTS NOT AS IF IM ASKING FOR A MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS RIGHT?

IM SOO TIRED. LEAVE ME ALONE. PLEASE, I WANT TO ENJOY THE STUPID FUCKING MEASLY 2 DAYS OF MY FREE LIFE TO JUST SLEEP AND NOT THINK OF WORK AND CLIENTS, OR SUPPLIERS OR CHAIRS OR DESIGN OR HOSPITALS. I JUST WANA GO HOME AND SLEEP. I JUST WANT PEACE. I JUST WANT TO QUIT. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. FUCKING ASSHOLES.bhofhouy

(&^^)*&*&)^t%d%*%ergeFSDLKFHS09T09348

cough, write, cough

Sometimes, it just feels like a dream. This life, i mean. Every movement made, every word spoken, feels surreal. Am i really breathing or not? Is that my heart beating or..?

Its hard to resist the sudden inclination to start off conversations in my head with words like 'but of course'. But of course, it IS such a common word. Then again, filling this empty space with words which arent mine and dont mean that much to me is a futile attempt to give meaning to my life/dream. In the end, im left with empty words, false hopes and dreams which are stale and is replaying itself over and over again like a stupid slideshow.

How is it possible that everytime i try to step forward, i will always shrink deeper into my old self. Why do i always get thrown back to that zone, where shutting up and pretending nothing exists feels so...great, so natural. Speaking up is such a chore, especially when you have people hanging onto your every word, waiting to pounce on you when you say the 'wrong' thing. Im tired of having to think before i speak, of how to act in front of others, how to do things. Its not me. I feel like a puppet on strings, a robot, an automaton(huh?).

And yeah, i AM a dreamer, with no goals or accomplishments in life. I just want to sit and dream the day away.

Growing up is such a chore, you have to think of everyone.

Sometimes, its best if the entries are short, its so depressing to read and i cant really do anything about it.

satu hari di hari raya

Have i blogged about how my Raya celebration went? Hmm, i guess not. It was fun lah, except for the fact that mum was still cooking lontong up till yesterday. I want RICE AND REAL FOOD!!! i cant take lontong anymore, its not filling, tak kenyang lah, menambah kembung perut lagi ader. And mak's sambal satay is abit kureng oomph this year, maybe she was too kelam kabut, or maybe its just me.

Malas nak cerita pasal 1st few days raya. As usual a bit of tearshed and loads of 'tak tahan ar, ngantuk seh' on my part so let me just talk about the weekend jalan raya. We reached Mama's house( my aunt, not mama Yoda) early in the morning, ard 11 plus. Ni dah kira siang cos she lives ard tiong bahru. And we(adik,itek and i) had maggi mee for breakfast since i was soo sick of lontong. 2 packets of maggi divided by 4 (in the end yati didnt eat her share.Damn that frog!!) is not enough i tell you. As i was saying, went to mama's house, waited while she cook. The kari daging was spicy, yummy. Oh, the menu was roti kirai, ayam goreng jintan, hotdogs, nuggets, mee siam goreng (which i didnt eat, nyesal aku) and bubur pulut hitam. and we waited for pak long to reach but then realised that it would take hours for us to reach tok chik's house at pasir ris, so we made our way to the other end of singapore, full of semangat and not to forget, food.

By the time we reached pasir ris, smue da senget. Lepas tu, sampai rumah tok chik jer smue lepak. terbaring macam puasa enam. Tiong bahru to pasir ris, its a damn long ride kan? anyway, tunggu mak itam lambat, even though they came by car, and after all of us mencekik tok chik's mee goreng, we set off to tok long's house, which by the way, is on the other end of singapore. Yes, its at BOON LAY. Power kan?

Baba only realised that his anak sedare was MIA after a few stops from pasir ris mrt. Hihihi, kelakar, macam mane budak tu bole tertinggal? And when we reach tok long's house, everyone wanted to use the toilet. it was a long journey i tell you. Pastu pat sane, serve lontong jugak. Aiseyman, nasib baik ader sambal tumis udang(anything that has udang, i LOIKE) dan aku pun da lapar balik, so back to the dining table, mencekik lagilah...

took pictures, went to abg jalal's house, served us mee goreng, ayam goreng. Fuyoo, im beginning to love these people. Normal food for hari raya. How great is that? Its wonderful, and i dont want to see lontong for the rest of next month. NO MORE!!! Last stop was tok otak's house, and then balik lah.

maybe i will upload pictures when im free, then my horrible/oklah haircut will be forever remembered. Hey, lebih baik print at kedai,hmmm. lepas dapat gajilah baru aku print. This year we really have a lot of photos, 1st time raya with own digicam katakan. Ahh..'house' is at 10pm today, i will not miss it again. Ciao

post hari raya

Well, well, well. I guess the curry puffs that chelle sent were so loaded with happy pills that i wasnt even bothered or flustered when people say that they prefer my longer hair to my new cropped short hair. Hmm.. must be the festive mood that's making me all happy and whatever. Seriously man, this could be the worst haircut ever and im not even embarrassed. More like i cant be bothered.

Back to work, so very bosan. I am beginning to get bored of all these deadlines and all the calling this person, calling that person. Check whether they have stock, follow up on this closely. Blah blah, ding, ding, dong, dong. Humph, when will i be free to just sit and write? Not that i have the talent in writing as i've repeated oh so many times, just that i always feel inspired but then, cluck, cluck, cluck. Oh my, something's wrong with my fingers, they have a mind of their own.

But really, everyone seem to have that special someone and they kept asking me to find one. Am i that pathetic to never have one at this age? I guess i am but im just not that sociable a person. Not like norain or aimi and especially dayah whom i havent seen for so, many, many months. Then how the hell am i suppose to find you? Every girl dreams about having a prince charming but i would just be happy with a nice funny and sometimes crazy person. Gee, this is all so girly girl. Let's change the subject.

My throat and stomach hurts due to all the lontong and fizzy drinks. I think i might be coming down with a sore throat and maybe fever, who knows. Oh yeah, it was nice to visit the old dude and lehning on monday. Thanks CT for accompanying me. We talked with the old dude, and lehning (which was only for a measly 5 mins or less, dammit). They are separated from school of BE and yeah, everything's changed. They have their own building which was big and looked so raw. The old dude has his own room and a bad window view of SP. It would've been fun to have the whole AFM gang visiting him but then, i was too lazy to contact the rest and norain had to go johor. Boooo..

So yeah, my schedule's very crappy and not to mention out of this world so i think i'd better work on the almost going to be backlog stuff. Adios amigos people. And yeah, i love irwansyah soo much, though i dont understand why he's going out with acha septriasa.

epiphany of sorts?

Maybe the sleeplessness that i had last night was an omen, or a foreboding of things to come today. A lot of things were going through my mind, so much so that i couldnt even close my eyes. I was wide awake until 2 plus in the morning. Thinking. Just thinking of what's happened. And this morning, i had a lecture from Mama Yoda. It hurts because some of it is true. But the part where she said im protecting myself before others and not thinking of others is not true. I try to not to step on people's way, i dont want to make people angry or get them into trouble because of me. But people keep saying that i dont want to be responsible. No, its not that i dont want to be responsible. Its just that i dont know how to handle it. Like what happened two days ago. I finally understood my mistake after Mama Yoda repeated it twice. It finally dawned on me, you know, like the lightbulb that just goes ting!, that yeah, i was being the stupid little girl too scared to be responsible. And it sucks to know that i was so blind and insensitive to my colleague's feelings. And now its bugging me because i might have, unknowingly, done it to my other colleague as well. She should have given me this lecture long ago. Now i feel so,so stupid. No, much worst than stupid but my vocab is limited right now due to all this guilt. Sigh. How do i make up to these people?

And another thing, i received a message from YOU in friendster. YOU who i tried not to remember or associate with 'that incident' because the wound is still very deep. The message made it even worst, its like putting salt on my wound. Im not ready to forget, not ready to forgive, not ready to make any moves. It hurts a lot. The more i think about it, the more i get confused. No, as far as im concerned, that was a black episode in our lives and i dont want to remember it at all. It still hurts very much. Im not going to reply the message. Im sorry for being selfish, i know its like, 3 days to hari raya but i cant pretend everything's fine and dandy and smile at YOU because only God knows how it hurts. Only God knows what really happened and if its true, then that person (whom YOU said did that thing) will have to deal with God, will have to answer to God, not with us. That person will have to seek forgiveness from God. In the end, i dont know what to say or think anymore. i dont even know who's lying or telling the truth.

Its not that i dont miss YOU, its just that circumstances has led to all this loathing and resentment and because this incident caused the person i love most to cry, that made the anger and hatred more important or to put it in a correct term, justifiable. The person whom i spent my whole 20 years with, where i was very close with for 9 whole months, was reduced to tears and looked so lost and helpless. Tell me what else i could do but to instantly nurture all this negative feelings. Because i am only human.

But if you, the person who wrote me the message in friendster, happened to read this blog (i put my blog add at friendster, should take it out later), Im telling you im not ready yet. We might meet during hari raya but i will not know what to say or how to react upon seeing you. I might just pretend you dont exist or i might smile and make small talk, seriously i dont know what i would do. Maybe i would strangle you or stab that person to death. Maybe. Life is too short to be harbouring ill feelings, hatred and animosity sesama insan but, as i've said earlier on, i am only human. Blood is thicker than water, you should know what this means. We'll see what happens when the time comes.

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya to all my muslim friends out there. Semoga Ramadhan tahun ini telah menyedarkan kita tentang kesilapan kita.

I apologise for being so useless.
I apologise for being so incompetent.
I apologise for being so stubborn.
I apologise for not knowing anything.
I apologise for not being good enough.

I apologise for being the dumb ass malay girl that i am.

I apologise for having caused you the trouble to even think of me and how im making your life hellish and miserable and troublesome.

i apologise for breathing in the same air as you.

Man, im.so fucking.tired. Well, guess where i am right now?Yes, still in the office, doing up the presentation boards. When is it going to end? I swear if i have to work on it again tomorrow, i will just jump down from this 20th floor condo unit. Wait, too drastic, the most i would do is just rip up all the papers within my reach and bang and stomp on the the table like a spoilt brat. Arghhhh, my neck and shoulders hurt soo much. I feel like crying but what's the point. Waste air mata ajer. As a friend of mine said a long time ago, lebih baik minum air dari buang air. Oookaay, that sounds weird.

Anyway, 6 more days to raya!!!!!!! Woohoo, im excited, 3 days (if mama Yoda gives me 2 days off) of freedom and loads of eating all the goodies and sinful food. I tell you, im gonna gobble everything that contains chocolate. Yummy, and i cant wait to eat mum's, erm, what's is called again? God, im so freaking hungry that i cant remember what my favourite raya dish is. This is crazy man. Its sambal kacang, no, its, WTF. I give up man. its like rendang but its sambal tumis with kacang and daging. Apekebende lah name die aku boleh lupe pulak. haiz..

I keep having the urge to write poems, to write essays, to read up theory stuff on design and its very depressing cos im so blahdy busy nowadays that i dont even have the time to read the papers. Sob, sob. And i missed House yesterday. That's two times already you know. Hmm, i need to have my daily dose of theory stuff. Seriously, i dont know why i love to read up stuff which, to tell you the truth, most of it i dont understand. Its just comforting to read those essays. Its like reading up children's fairy tales. It makes you forget about the real world, as in YOUR real world. Those essays are like, hmm, its like snuggling up into a thick warm blanket when the weather is cold and freezing. yeah, it feels like that, dont ask me why. Oklah, im going back home. Im tired, hungry and going cuckoo. I gotta ask my mum the name of my fave dish. Is it sambal daging or....

im baaackkk....

Can you feel it? Its in the air. Its undescribable.

Want to know what happened last week? I burst into tears after listening to a hari raya song. Haha, silly me. I dont know what got over me, but i was sobbing like hell, with my hingus and all that stuff, when the song wasnt even sad at all. In fact, it was a very happy song. Where was i at that time? Oh yar, alone at work, listening to ria on the net. I think i was just overwhelmed by everything. Time passes by so, so fast. I dont even have time to sit and think things through.

And now, 3rd week of puasa is almost over, 9 more days to the BIG DAY. Woohoo. And geylang was packed yesterday. We (aimi, ayie, norain and i) went to eat at this place at TKC, or was it joo chiat complex, hmm, dont remember and dont care because it wasnt that nice. It was fun, to just walk around with friends. And it was good to see norain because i havent seen her for a whole month. And yes it was nice to see the beruk too. And ayie looks different, because he's thinner now. And from afar, it looks like aimi was going out with a younger guy. hahaha.

Have i said how much i love the fasting month? Its so... lovely. I guess im in the festive mood. Its not the big day that im excited about, its the preparation and all the bustling and kecoh ness to the big day that just makes me high. Its intoxicating man. And during this time, all the memories will be flooding back. I kept being taken back in time, back to when late grandma was living us. All those little things that we used to do before celebrating the big day.....

Like making kuih hari raya on the kitchen floor, grandma and mum would be bickering about the color of the inti kuih tart. Red or yellow? In the end, its red. Or the time where mum and dad will be arguing with each other while they were fixing the curtains (FYI, they still do that every year). Or the time when grandma changed the kekabu bantal, and the whole place will be like a factory with all the kekabu floating in the air. Or when dad dresses up the house with balloons and those shiny metallic drapy thingys like we're celebrating someone's birthday instead of Hari Raya.

We dont have that now. Everything's changed. Everyone seems to be doing their own thing. Everyone has to work and go to school. Life is different now. But i will remember one thing that happened that night. Yati, lela and i were watchin the lampu lap lip on our beds, with the radio playing the hari raya songs. The lights were off, and so was the tv. We just ogled at the lights and were talking about how pretty it was. We talked about how the lights seemed to be following the rhythm or the beat of the songs played on the radio. I felt like i was 10 years old again and that my sisters were still 6 and 5. It felt nice. It felt nice to feel that for a few moments, nothing else matters except for the pretty flickering lights.

I listened to this song and it reminded me of you.
'All I wanted was the chance to say
I would like to see you in the morning
Rolling over just to have you there
Would make it easy for a little bit longer'
God, i'd do anything to have someone like you.
Anything.

Ramadhan's here

Wow, 1st day of ramadhan is on a sunday. And i woke up feeling all sleepy(duh) cos i slept at midnight after watching soccer. Yes, arsenal won 3-0.Hahaha..finally man, henry's got his spirit back. Anyway, it was weird sahur-ing with only mum, ita and dad (i wonder how long he can tahan..) since the other 2 kena tembak earlier on. So sad.

As i lay down on the cold floor of my living room(more like sprawled on the floor), watching tv while mum is trying desperately to pretend not to sleep, i cant help but feel like there is something missing. I can feel the fasting mood in the air, its undescribable, you just feel it, and its lovely. I can see other muslims preparing for the days ahead to Hari Raya. Suria has started to load everything that has to do with Hari Raya on tv.

Where was i again? Oh yeah, i think im missing late grandma again. So much. i know i should move on but its hard to do that when you've known that person and lived in the same house all your life. She was part of my childhood and, to have that part taken away from you, its very heartbreaking. I miss her more during the fasting month, dont know why. alamak, gotta get back to kitchen to help mum prepare the ingredients for break fast later. Ciao

Fuck off.

I cried, after putting down the phone, i cried like a stupid loser. Yes, because everyone is making me feel like a loser. WHY? Why is it always me who's doing the wrong thing? Its always me who never discuss with my team members, its always me who doesnt know stuff, its always me who doesnt organise meeting, ME, ME, ME. Its always my fucking fault. And now i feel like crying again because yeah, its my fault. I can never seem to do anything right kan? Everything i do always turn up like fuck. I always mess things up. And yes, im reduced to tears again. I want to scream out in anger but i cant find the anger. My helplessness has overcomed that anger. I cant scream out fuck you bastard cos i have lost my anger. Fuck.

Can i ask you something? Why does it feel like you are forsaking me? Why does it seem like you have plans for everybody else and you've left me out, like im on the naughty list or something? Why is everything like fuck???Im tired of all this crap. So damn freaking tired. of all the stupid politics, problems, unresolved issues.What have i done to deserve all this fuck? WHY?? Every morning i wake up and i ask myself why? Why do i have to do this? Why God? Why? i dont think i have the patience to go through all this. i want out, of everything.life sucks and apparently, i suck too, apparently i am nothing, a speck of dust seems to get more attention and respect from people than me.

i wish i could just rot and die.i wish a train would run over me, a car, a truck, whatever. i just want to die, that's all i want right now. i hate my job, i hate those people, i hate my life, i hate myself. please, just let a lightning struck me. Maybe all these people will sleep better at night without seeing my stupid face and hearing my stupid voice.

another monday

So here i am again, bored and tired of all this. Wonder why im still here if im not happy. I've thought of it a hundred times, but i just cant bear to let go. This is my comfort zone but the truth is, im still squirming in here, macam cacing kepanasan. The thought of having to face all those crazy people and explain about yourself and stuff all over again just makes me wanna bawl. I just wished someone would tell me straight in my face that i dont have the creativity and the guts to be a designer. Maybe then this nightmare will end. maybe then i could sleep better at night. maybe then its time to start re-evaluating my future and career (HAH! as if). What else is there for me other than interior design? That's what i've been mulling about ever since i graduated. my future seems so bleak. boohoo. and im not nervous at all, in fact im deliriously calm right now. well, that's a sign of denial.

Sometimes, i think i AM stupid, due to all the recent remarks that people have been making behind my back about me not knowing anything. And also it was partly my fault (NOT!) for giving them the vacant look when they asked me something. Hello, what am i suppose to do when i have about almost everyone on site asking me for stuff and wanting resolutions at the same time. Im not a genius ok. I never was and i never will be. Its depressing i tell you. did i spell depress correctly?

Anyway, i just wish that time could stop for awhile. Just for a day. Stop working, stop driving, stop trying to get on other people's nerves, stop drawing, stop telling me to do stuff im not suppose to do, stop asking, stop talking,stop preparing dates for presentation, stop building, stop nagging, stop asking me what time i'll be back. Just stop and think. Maybe the world will be a better place. Maybe lah.

And yeah, i just wanna say that i love my mum. Soo much. Our family is not like other people's family where love is expressed vocally. We find it weird to tell the other person that we love them. Dont know why, but that's just how it goes. Well, i dont know why i have the urgeto write this but, here it is.

To Mak..
I love you mak, even though sometimes you can be abit annoying, actually, super annoying. I love you even though your cooking skills have deteriorated ever since you started working 8 years ago, haha, just kidding. I love you even when you make me do errands which are like from zaman nenek2 dulu. I love you even when you nag at me for spending money like there's no tomorrow cos you do that too right? I love you for the constant and predictable sms'es which goes 'Di, ada kat mana sekarang?' I love you everytime you talk about late granddad and how much he showered me with love cos i never seem to remember him at all. I love you when you talk about late grandma and how it was like living at our first house in Bukit Batok, cos it reminded me of how simple life was back then. I love you everytime you ask me to eat cos you always seem to know when im hungry. I love you when you tell me that eating too much chocolate and nuts will make my face breakout with pimples cos sometimes that doesnt happen,haha. I love you everytime we watch tv and you will go, 'Bile ICS start?Mak nak tengok' even though we've told you for the millionth time that its CSI and that you cant even tahan until 9.30pm. I love you everytime you laugh at my silly and lame jokes, cos it makes me feel like im the funniest person on earth. I love you even though you kept telling me that taking care of me was like hell 18 years ago. I love you when you pour out your feelings to me cos it makes me feel mature. But you know what? I love you the most when we go back home together after work, when we just sit on the bus and enjoy each other's company, without saying a word.

Aww, so emo....God, i hope my sisters wont ever read this.

haizzzz....

Im sick. Head's groggy and my nose is on the verge of going into the 'blocked nose' mode. My throat has been very itchy since after i got back from sentosa. Been coughing like hell and my phlegm almost came out of my nose when i covered my mouth while coughing. Almost. Yep, i know its disgusting. But im sick, i cant be bothered. I want to go home but there's still so much to do. I still havent got round to throwing away all the unwanted stuff in the office. Have i written in here that we're finally moving? I guess not. Mama Yoda has chosen Bayshore as our new office, most probably on the second floor. Am i excited? I AM excited at the idea of having to wake up at 6 plus in the morning to go to work and having to spend almost one hour for the train ride. NOT.

Well, yesterday was my 3rd sis bday. Happy Birthday Frog!! haha. So mak and i went to buy cake (and now im broke) and she bought food from Do & Mi. Yes, all the greasy, oily and fattening stuff. I LOIKE. Man, thats why im coughing like i have TB, its because of all the oil. Anyway, the old man forgot about the bday, again. No surprise lah kan. What else can you expect from a stingy old man? You know, sometimes i feel like strangling his neck and screaming at his face ' WHY DONT YOU GROW UP OLD MAN??!!' But i guess that wont work. I might get jailed for assault and stuff and will be locked up in IMH.

Haiz..im sleepy, i wanna sleeeppp...i neeedd panaddol rightt noww. i needd mak to tell me to eat, take medicine and go to slepp..i needdd grandma to fusss over meee whiile i tossand turn in bed. Yarrr,and sad too sayyy this buut i neeed the old maan to naggg att me to eatt mediccinnneeeeeeeee. ouch, my headdd.

Please, leave me. I dont want you anymore. I dont want to be with you. I dont even want to think of you at all. Why cant you bother someone else? Im so damn tired, of the same old conversation. We keep going in circles. Im back where i started but the only difference is now im tired and frustrated. How many times do i have to say that all is lost between us, lost in the chaos of finding that piece of something. No, dont share your thoughts with me. Its not helping, my troubled soul, my burdened mind, my aching heart. Just stop everything and walk off, maybe it wont hurt so much. Maybe you'll find solace somewhere else. I've stopped looking for the inner sanctum that you have been so eager to find. I cant take it, just let it be. Will you leave me? For sure? Dont come back, its not worth it, i've given up a long time ago. May you find what you're looking for, somewhere else.

I dreamt about a couple of people last night, terrible but lovely at the same time. Kind of like a nightmare as some people in the dream were almost haunting me, stalking and accosting me. These people were scary enough in person, imagine what they were like in my dream. Sheesh, thank god they appeared and went off only for about 5 mins, well, at least according to La La Land time. And then some were friends i havent met for a long time. And then there he was, amidst all the chaos in my wonderland, he came by. Weird. Weird i tell you, the setting of the dream and the conversation was even weirder, makes it seems as though... Hmm... but it was nice to see him, even if its only in my dream.

Anyway, the picnic yesterday was fun but a bit suay since it rained on us, not once, not twice but three times. And third times the charm, since it was a freaking storm (thunder, lightning, big waves crashing to the shore) and we went home after that. We were stranded with a bunch of philipinos and europeans, under the small shelter, which didnt really shelter us from the storm. Haha, what a wet belated birthday surprise for norain. My surprise that menjadi due to the rain. Boohoo, but the cake was delicious. And after we had the cake, we smeared norain with whipped cream, nope, not the whipped cream from the cake, that would be a waste and fruthermore the cake doesnt have cream on top, it was covered in melted chocolate...SIGH, YUMMY!!!!! Wahaha, norain smelled like pastry and then there were puffs of whipped cream floating all over the sea. Nice.

We talked about work. I dont know lah, everyone seems kind of dissatisfied with the job that they have. Everyone seems to be saying that the grass is greener on the other side. I dont know what else to say. We just have to take it as it comes. But sometimes, i just feel like giving up. On everything. I beleive i've made a comment on someone's blog, asking whether death is the only escape. Now when i think back, maybe death is the only escape, IF you discount the fact of judgement day and all that. Death is the only escape from the evil clutches of life. Ahh, whatever lah.

perjuangan harus diteruskan
walaupun aku tersungkur berkali kali
di atas tanah yang mendak dan berlecak

aku tidak tahu bahawa ribut akan melanda
aku tidak tahu bahwa kau pun sedang mencari
sesuatu di atas bukit yang tinggi

Nampaknya tidak terdaya kaki ini melangkah
rupa-rupanya gunung disangka bukit
terduduk aku terkesima

yohoho

I must remind myself not to harbour ill feelings such as spite, vengeance and hatred when im going to sleep. It will only wear me out for the rest of the next day and i will get a splitting headache. To top it all up, i wont feel like my usual self and i'll get very drowsy. But then again, isnt that my usual self?

Work, is taking a toll on me. People expect me to know everything, and some are even rascist towards me, although they havent shown me their true racist attitude yet. Yes, im a malay girl working in a community which is largely dominated by chinese. And just because i say ' I dont know', or 'I have to consult my boss first', it doesnt mean that i am stupid. If i were stupid, i would not be working at all. Well, in actual fact , i AM stupid, stupid to want to be working with you people.

How do you explain to all these people that they are the ones who are bringing you down? I just absolutely hate it when i meet a person for the first time, and they start sizing me up. I know first impressions last, but right now, i dont give a fucking damn arsehole about what you think about me, my IQ or my race. I just want to do my work. I know you, i work with you but it doesnt mean that i like you even when i smile and pretend that i dont know anything.

I dont understand the work politics that you old farts are in. I dont understand why i have to be sucked into this money making wormhole that you guys have made. Am i really a diamond waiting to shine? This i am not sure. How do i trust what they said about me being good and stuff when i dont even believe that i can do it. Am i an under achiever? The more people think im good, the more i will try to prove that they are wrong. If you think i suck, well then, i guess i do. But do i care, yes and no. Yes, because im working for people and this involves reputation and integrity and no because it's just me not to care. But if i dont care, why am i writing about it in the first place? Because its eating up my already tormented and confused soul. Am i naive and foolish to believe that maybe, just maybe, things will turn out fine? Yes, because now, everything seems to be going downhill and im just watching it go down without even bothering to raise an eyebrow.

At times, i feel like i want to retreat to that place, the hard boiled wonderland that murakami invented, which exists only for me, in my mind. Wouldnt it be great to just leave my body, this mould and to go into that world where everything is the same but different. A controlled environment, which my mind subconsciously programs to follow the course of my real life but in a different style, which does not have hatred or death. An unfeeling place where happiness is just a smile and sadness is just a tear rolling down your cheek, nothing more, nothing less. Wouldnt that be better?

Am i in depression? Well, i dont think so, if i was, i would not be blogging at all. I would not be working, i would cut off contact from my friends and the public for that matter. I would be sitting in a dark room, in a corner and staring at the cracks and dust on the wall. That is my definition of depression. Maybe my problem is that im too scared, too lazy, too meek, too 'i dont know', too submissive, too naive, too pessimistic and too much of an introvert. Maybe im just afraid of responsibilites. Maybe im just too eager to be what i've always wanted to be. Nothing.

I guess its your fault for not instilling the drive or the passion into my brain. Never was there any words of encouragement to build up my self confidence, but there were always spiteful comments that made me feel like i was born to be a loser, a reject. I wanted to write you a letter but then i figured, what's the point, since posting it would only make the wound deeper and the resentment that i have towards you will just be greater. Sometimes i wonder, do you have any goals in life? have you thought of what i will be in the future? Do you even give a fucking shit if i turned like what most people are turning into? Am i meant to live in this cycle where i will end up regretful of everything that i've done? I guess everything's your fault. Its not mine. Im just here, just as confused as i was way back in kindergarten. Now, that seemed like eons ago. Do i even remember what it was like 14 years ago?

I cant be bothered to.

wonderland

i never thought that i would be doing this again, but im sculpting with plasticine. It doesnt stink that much but its still yucky. Anyway, i have alot to write about but so little time.

Singapore Idol-
Wow, yesterday's performance was so entertaining. Jonathan was sooo cool, i love it when he sang snow patrol's song. Ahh..i love you , jon. haha. And yeah, i cant believe im saying this but jasmine's performance has really improved. She's really worked hard, when she sang jewel's foolish games, man, i got goosebumps all over. Now if she had said she felt like she was one with the music, i would have trusted her. Her singing is much,much better than when she sang there you'll be. Hady wasn't disappointing either. But Paul, i think he's better singing emo punk.

Steve Irwin-
Its very sad to know that the crazy, boisterous, energetic, wacky and not to mention freaky crocodile hunter has passed away. That guy is so full of life that i still cant believe it. The way people die is weird sometimes, like in this case, ironic because he didnt die of a croc or shark attack but by stingray poison. Condolences to the family. People like the late steve irwin are very hard to find. I'll miss waiting for what he'll do next.

Mr White Rabbit-
As i was walking back that day, we saw a white rabbit hopping towards us. Well, both of us were delighted at that fantastic sight. So, we went to it and i asked..

'What are you doing here Mr White Rabbit? And where are you going at this hour?'

but before i could hold out my hand to touch it, he hopped away leaving me pissed off and her, disappointed. And so i shouted out again..

'Hey, could you at least let us know where you're off to?'

Then after a few hops, he turned around, grinned at us and winked at her. And off he went, hopping up the alley, as if he was late for a conference meeting or something.

And i turned to her and asked..

' Do you know him Alice?

Huh? Alice? Oklah, she's Alice..

Haze-
Me- Eh, someone's overlayed our wonderland with a very large piece of butter paper?
Alice- And?

i didnt know what else to say so we just kept quiet. Sometimes, i feel like strangling Alice, because when she asks a question, she'll force an answer out of me but when i start a conversation, she just ignores me. Some friend you are Alice.

So now we know who the stupid bitch is. me.

DIE YOU BITCH!!!!

I made a mistake at the expense of others, so im not only humiliating myself but the rest too. So now we're all stupid. This is the worst thing that could happen to me. Die, di, die.

S.O.S

Oh God. Just when i thought that things will go ok, another problem surfaced, a very ugly problem involving the mosaic tiles for the servery wall. This is big and when Mama Yoda finds out, she will slaughter me and feed me to the dirty pigeons. Die lah, why me? Why? This means i have to go to the site again tml with my colleague. Its like a freaking sauna by the way. Argh...this project has so many problems, so many details haunting me, please.help.me....

Sometimes you plan how you'd like to die, whether in an accident or sickness or murder. And then, when you think back, hey, you must be really mentally disturbed...

blurp, blurp,blurp

Life has become a tad more interesting for me. I wont dwell on it, too stressful for me. Seems like im the one who has to help them out. Why? I didnt ask to be born the eldest girl in the family. And i jolly well didnt ask for any responsibilities.

And I am slowly losing my faith in you, slowly losing that trust and belief that i had. Why cant you be stronger? Im tired of having to figure out what you want to do. Im so jaded. Every morning, i have to keep asking you whether this is what you really want but you keep avoiding the question. NO, i dont want anymore positive things coming out of your mouth, stop thinking that things will turn out fine!! Don't you understand that this is your life that we're talking about??!! I dont get it, you want to end up like them all??!! I know you're scared, im scared too but sometimes you have to make up your mind and stick with it until the very end, until you are really sure that its wrong and then you make another decision.

I hate it when you say you understand. You dont!! Dont try to be in my shoes, it doesnt feel the same, at all. Im tired of being looked down on, tired of people telling me what to do, when to do and how to do stuff. Im tired of people having high expectations of me and sick of those people who think im nothing. I wish they would all leave me alone. For once, just let me be who i am, please.

But then, who are you?

Some people are just plain rude on the phone. I called up this guy from K co., spoke nicely to him and then his tone changed when i asked if he would like to call my colleague instead, since he's handling the moving around to meet client. And he went, 'im busy, meet up at my office is easier, talking on the phone, might have problems, you might misconstrue what i said, im very busy you know, so you guys should call me instead of me calling you guys up, you understand what im saying? and blah,blah,blah'

I was like, WTF is wrong with you? But of course i cant say that to him lah. I just ehem, and uhuh. Like hello, do i give a fu.., oops, i mean do i give a rat's arse if you're freaking busy. Are you the only F'ing person in the whole wide world who is F'ing busy? The answer is NO. God, so rude, next time i see you in meeting im not even going to smile or look your way you, you, #&$^*.

Hmph, now I'M the one whose gonna be grumpy for the rest of the day, thanks to that bloody asshole. Ahh shoot, im fasting, i should conserve my energy instead of being so pissed off... Ah, whatever man.

La La La

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIIRTHDAY TO SITI NORAIN JELANI

HAPPY BIIRTHHHDAYYY TOOOO YYOOOUUUU!!!!!

Wahaha, i know you wont get to read this Deq, but when you get to, you can laugh all you want. I wish you all the happiness in the world, may you always be surrounded by people you love and stay crazy always.... :)

Anyway, i just met norain yesterday, we walked around Suntec for an hour i think then we went round and round to search for place to eat. We ended up at Fish & Co. I had the new york fish and chips which was freaking BIG and norain had the peri peri prawns. I managed to finish the whole thing, well, except for 3 pieces of fries lah. God, by the time i was 3/4 finished with the fish, my stomach was full and i felt muak. So, i rate it 3 out of 5, cos i dont like how its still moist inside, TOO moist for my liking. And it was cheesy, well, im not a fish and chips person so, yar, not really my type of thing. Should have just gone for the pasta, ooh, now im hungry.

And so after that, we walked out and realised that you can dedicate songs and messages on the fountain of wealth, the message will be flashed and moving on the round thingy. And so...i said to norain that i want to dedicate a birthday wish to her. When we moved to the screen, SHE hogged it and typed everything, except for the birthday wish lah, i typed that. And we waited for awhile, it came out, it was nice. We were laughing at ourselves and norain looked really happy, she said it was sweet even though she typed in almost everything, haha. But they didnt have the song that we wanted, head automatica's beating heart baby, they played U2's song instead, WTF. But

we had fun laughing over stupid things after that. Norain said she was afraid i might type in something stupid. Well, i was tempted to but there was already a queue forming behind us. So i'll just have to do it here...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAYBEH!!! I LAP YOU SOO MUCH!!! BEST BUTTS FOREVER!!! MUACKS!!!

hehehehhehehehe....

I hope, whatever happens, we'll still keep in contact. You're like the twin i never had, Deq. We've gone through some pretty tough times during poly and its comforting to know that we can always turn to each other for support without any judgements made on each other. I guess, in friendship, you should always be sincere and accept your friend for who they are. Its like the quote from Marlon Brando in an old vietnam war movie,

' you can kill me but you can never judge me'

ahh crap

Fuck, im in deep shit. thanks to the nescafe that i gulped down for lunch, i finally realised that im in deep, deep shit. so many unresolved issues and i dont have the boards with me. im gonna be slaughtered on monday. im gonna die. i dont think i can take it. wait, why the fuck am i blogging. so many dwgs to edit, materials to find, arghhh.. why me? why? ok, breathe in, breathe out Di. yes, i can do it, even if i my brains burst into a million yucky pieces/lumps or whatever.STOP BLOGGING YOU IDIOT!!!!!

What are you looking at??

1ST Sept 06, Friday

Yay!!!! Guess who's finally out of Singapore Idol?? Come on, you know it, just say the name.. IT'S THE FREAKING MONKEY!!! Woohoo.. Thank God there is still justice in this world. Maybe his supporters finally digged their ears and really listened to him sing (do you call that singing? More like whining) Anyway, im so glad he's out. Finally, I'll have no trouble sleeping at night. Now, we'll just have to wait till Hady and super-hot-sexy-voice Jonathan to be in top 2. Woohoo.. cant wait for it man. By the way, I wonder what Stevie Wonder would do if he heard that monkey's rendition of his mon cherie (I think) song.. hmm

Anyway, I had that funny thought again when I was on my way to work this morning. I got on the bus and this auntie was staring at me. I gave her a scowl and slumped on the window seat behind her. What if I suddenly go mad and screamed at her face? As in ' WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STARING AT ME FOR??!!DO I FUCKING KNOW YOU?? DO I OWE YOU FUCKING MONEY??!!' And then, what if I go crazy while boarding the train too.. ehehe, I wont elaborate here, it'll be too long but maybe I'll demonstrate to norain later and we'll laugh till our heads crack. But really lah, if you think about it, your mind, your brain is kind of fragile isnt it? One small thing, a stimulus from the outside world, can trigger a reaction that you might or might not expect. Like how does a person go crazy? Something must have triggered the crazy button in their brain and they go insane in an instant. Hmm, am I making sense at all?

So, I finally got to know that Daniel Vosovic from Project Runway season 2 is a gay. And Andrae is gay too, so is Nick, I think. WHY? Why are all the hot and cute guys gay? Nope, nothing against gays at all. It seems that all the cute and creative people nowadays are either gay, old and married, attached or dead. And when boss told me to research on keith haring, I had that feeling that he was gay even before reading his bio. Well, his drawings of line couples in that position had no female in it, so go figure. But he was a really creative person, died of Aids in 1990 I think, I think at the age of 31. But he managed to spread the message of safe sex and awareness of Aids.

Well now, everyone has a reason for being alive and breathing. No matter what we think, we still contribute to the society one way or another. We're living right? When we inhale, we contribute to the intake of oxygen and when we exhale, CO2 and sometimes foul breath is spread to unsuspecting people. And these people get pissed because of your foul breath and then they piss off other people and that cycle continues. And if you stare at people as they board the bus, they might just write about it in their blog and wished they had done something violent to you instead of just scowling back. And may those people who stare at me like im some sort of freak be struck by lighting on the eyeballs.. there, i feel better already.

I wonder sometimes whether i sound like a freak when i talk about her. She's not real but she's here. She's a part of me, well, a part of my mind actually. I cant say she's the evil one because that would mean that im blaming all my bad behaviour to something that is not real and that im an angel. Sadly im not. She is my best friend but most of the time we're enemies, we fight all the time. Hey, that answers everyone's question as to why i frown, scowl and sulk all the time. I was having a conversation with her all this while. So, now i finally understand what carl jung wrote about the mask. I am the mask and the real me is me and her, or is it the other way round?Hmm...... maybe i should get some fresh air.

By the way, the fasting month is in 3 weeks time..yay, and after the whole month of abstaining from food, water and of course cursing (i gotta stop this bad habit), its Hari Raya, the day when i always, always cry even though i know that i havent done anything wrong. What's wrong with me?? I hope dapat sembahyang terawih nanti, but there's always work... haiz..

the reason why you dont want to talk to people is because you're afraid that they might know your weaknesses and use it against you. you are afraid of taking risks, you are afraid of getting hurt, you are afraid that the world might turn its back against you. you are terrified of the fact that they might forget you, you cant stand praises and compliments because you're not sure if they're just being nice or if they're sincere, you dont trust yourself so how do you trust others? you are afraid of letting go of the past and you cant think about the future, you dont want to be stuck here but you're too scared to move. where do you want to go? what do you want to do? are you sure? are you really sure?

oh.

26th Aug '06, sat

Something's missing, but I don't know what. I tried to strike a conversation with her but she wasn't her usual difficult self. She's been sighing and just staring out into space. And she kept playing that sad song over and over again, so much so that I even hear it in my dreams. I think it's quite perplexing to know that something's wrong but you don't know how to make it better. It's like watching a movie, you're the viewer, the spectator and you can't do anything about it. And it just sickens me to have that feeling of impending doom.

So, im left wondering, if I ever were to hold out my hand, would you take it and never let go?

As I was blog surfing, stumbled upon some really great blogs, one guy, gay I guess, had written this in his blog..

'..I am the same as the grass in my yard. I can grow and fill in the empty spaces, but I will eventually die and be gone, and that is all. There is nothing else to my story..'

Wow, you should've read his entries, he sounds like a scholar. His thoughts are deep, philosophical, he questions your or if I may say so, his actions, thinking, emotions and stuff. Very deep, makes you question yourself. I think maybe all of us have the same sentiments as he does, just that we don't really dwell on it or we're just in denial. And he seems lonely. Aren't all of us lonely in one way or another? Yeah, some of us might try to disguise it but at the end of the day, we're just a bunch of lonely souls drifting aimlessly in this mad world. But wait, we're not really lonely. We have Him.I guess that's all that matters. As long as you have faith, you'll never be alone. But for those people who have no religion, those free thinkers and atheists, who or what do they turn to?
Science?

If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Why?

So its come to this. After years of knowing you, its finally come to this. Im so used to seeing you walk in front of me, so used to seeing you and your shadow getting further away, that now, if you were to walk away, in a big crowd, i would've recognised you instantly. But i bet, if you were to walk towards me right now, i doubt i would know its you. Because all this while, one of the most vivid things that i remember about you, is how you look from the back. Your face seems all hazy now, like a dream. Yes, you are like a dream. And dreams will one day be forgotten. And you will forget me one day too, regardless of how insane i was, regardless of how i tried to stand out amongst everyone.

Isnt it sad? Is it love, infatuation or obsession? I guess i will never know.

H.O.T

24th August

I finally heard his voice..heeee..yep, I finally get to hear Mr Ako's voice again..ahh..so hot.. so cute, I might get to see him this week. Haha, if mum knows im gushing about him, she will definitely say im gatal.. Wahaha, who cares, at least I get to see him. So far, he's the only eye candy that comes here once in awhile, while the rest are all, old guys. What? Oh.. yes.. I like old guys but only if they are HANDSOME OLD GUYS. There's only unattractive old guys here. Now im suddenly reminded of mint choc chip ice cream..ahhh..yummy, just like Mr Ako.

MR AKO, I LUUURRRVVEE YOOOUUU!!!!! Ehehehe

Anyway, today's my youngest sister's birthday. So to Lela, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADIK!!! Wish you all the best for your studies, pray that your dreams and aspirations will come true and hopefully, you'll not be soo pekak. Have to get a large senduk (ladle) for you to dig your ears. I know you wont get to read this (hell, I wont want any family members or relatives to read this blog, explicit content, hah) but what the heck, I love you my smelly adik. Even though you can be defiant, annoying, irritating and kepo at times (I guess you got that from yours truly), you are still my baby sister who smells like watermelon, sometimes. Haha.

Anyway, watched SI yesterday. Managed to see Jon's performance just as I stepped into the house. Ahhh.. everytime I see him perform, I feel like..

1) hugging and kissing the TV
2) jumping up and down like a sicko
3) screaming out, 'JONATHAN, I LOOOOVVVEE YOOUUU BAYBEEH!!!!!'
4) Drooling.. hehe

Yep, he's THE SINGAPORE IDOL. Well, not yet but he will be. I bet Jon and Hady will be in the top 2. If the monkey or the flower is not voted off today, well.. it means the rest of our fellow country men have not digged their ears yet, again.

And yes, I watched the second last episode of Project Runway. Daniel Vosovic is soo hot. I just love tall guys with long noses, just like adrien brody.. wahaha, control your drool, Di. So, I totally understand what the designers felt like when Heidi and what's-his-name said that they have to design one more piece to wrap up their collection. Chloe was crying while Santino and Daniel looked like they were in outer space. God, its so much like ID, and architecture lah I guess. Just when you thought you were done, someone comes along and says to you 'hey, you gotta do one more thing'. It reminded me of the year 2 retail project. We (norain and I) didn't have enough sleep and was kind of peeved that we have to show the finishes in the model. So, submission day, both of us were super drained out and wanted to just send in the 3/4 completed model. Then someone comes along (Old dude lah, who else) and says, 'Hey, where are your windows? Can you guys do the windows, you still have enough time till the submission' And you know what I felt like doing? Dropping dead on the floor, shooting myself and jumping out of the window. After that, I went to the toilet to cry.. yeah, I know, cengeng seh.

But when you're really tired, that's all that you can do right? You wont even have the energy to wring the life out of the bearer of the 'good' news. And yeah, I cried a little yesterday too, cannot tahan all the non stop editing since last week.

Back to project runway, when they all went shopping for fabric, Santino looked like a walking zombie. Hehe, funny but that's true. It has happened to me and my friends. Anyway,it's a bummer that I already know who the winner is. Read it in the papers a few months back. Spoiler seh.. but I still cant wait to see the collection on the runway..

is this the end?

This was what she told me this morning....

'After angry glares and spiteful comments were exchanged, the eruption followed suit. Stunned into silence. Waiting. To prevent tears from being shed, ignorance was feigned. But didn’t anyone tell you that ignorance has a way of coming back to haunt you?'

So then i said, I never believed in happily ever afters. There's no such thing as a happy ending. There's no such thing as love. These things only exist in fairy tales.

aku da bosan...

Im bored...of life.. Why do we always miss those things which we used to be sick of,as in menyampah and bosan. Yup, im talking about school, poly life. I miss those days, the company, the projects that the lecturers keep shoving into our faces and of course, i miss lazing around, pretending we have nothing to do when our schedule is soo jam packed. I miss being a student and i know my mates miss it too.

We led such a carefree life, the only things we have to think about are our concepts, when to print and other small stuff. But when you're working, ITS REAL. This involves money and your reputation as a designer. I never thought it would be so lonely but here i am. All Alone. Designing is suppose to be fun. How many times do i have tell her that ITS SUPPOSE TO BE FUN!!!

Sometimes, when we're having one of our small talks, she'll ask me why i dont want to study abroad. Told her i cant afford it and she goes on sneering at me. ' You're not trying that's why. You're just plain lazy to go for something. What a weakling'. Well, i almost gave her a punch on the face if not for the fact that.... Hmm, maybe what she says is true but i cant jolly well drop everything i have and force my parents to go out and borrow a few thousand bucks from the bank right? That's just too selfish and self centered. I cant force them to sacrifice everything for me when i still have 3 sisters schooling.

Cant blame them for how things turned out now, since they dont have financial planning last time. My parents are not that well educated so i cant expect them to know what it feels like to dream of accomplishing something big in life. But sometimes, i do get pissed off with them. I mean, why do they get married without any plans for us all, for our future? Why have 4 children when you know its gonna get difficult in life later? Why?? I feel like i dont want to get married and have kids in the future. So much responsibilities. You have to think of the present and the future of not only yourself but your offsprings. You have to plan your finances and carry it out properly. Plus you have to be not that fucking rich but have a lot of money to have children. Its almost like an investment.

I seriously dont want to get married, have kids, stay at the same place forever, have a boring job, grow old and end up at a retirement home. That's just too boring. I want to travel, anywhere. I dont want to stay at one place forever. I want to meet new, interesting and different people. Doesnt matter if i dont fit in, i dont want to fit in, i just want to see, hear, learn new stuff and from there, i want to contribute to the society. Haiz... this is too much to ask for, yes i know im greedy. But i've never wanted anything so desperately before (well, if you discount the fact that i want to see/hug/kiss chester soo much), i seriously want this. Please God, i want this soo bad, i wont ask for anything else. Just make this dream come true.

'Pathetic'

Oh, shut up you bitch.

There goes the saviour..

Cant believe it. Mathilda is out of Singapore Idol. I think we singaporeans seriously need to dig. DIG OUR EARS and WASH OUR EYES!!! All of us know that a certain girl with a flower for a name and a performing monkey whose vocal range is worst than a real monkey seriously cant sing, YET, they're still in the competition. Whatsup with you people??!! I think for these 2 idols, all of their relatives, members hingus, member lepak bawah blok, member diapers, makcik, pakcik and even their ah kongs and ah mas help to sms for them. What the fark seh... haiz, i guess a comment from a senior citizen is true then, Singapore Idol is A FARCE!!!. But im still gonna watch it because of Jonathan. Sigh....so hot lah. And if he's out (CHOY, I DIDNT SAY THIS!!!), then i'll stop watching. Seriously lah, can singapore idol take you further than where you are right now? NOpe.

Anyway, there's the free movie screening at the padang tomorrow. But norain said she might not be able to go since it'll end late and she'll be sleeping over at her bro's house. Damn. And the rest have not confirmed either. I WANT to go but mum reminded me yesterday that a distant cousin's wedding is tomorrow. Well, not cousin actually,more like...aaa..ermm..dunolah, we're related somehow and that's really strange.

Why do i have to be dragged to all the wedding jemputan?? WHY ONLY ME??!! WHY?? And it really pisses me off when people start asking a lot of qns. Like 'Is this your daughter? (like duh, im practically clinging onto my mum's arm), 'Still schooling?',(i hate this qns soo much) and 'oh, where is so and so and how is she/he?' (hello, its not like so and so live together with us!How the hell do i know!!) And then they will start on the "oooh, 4 daughters, soo good, easy life lah for you, yada, yada, next year gonna be married right??" and at the last 5 or 6 words, the person will either wink at me or give me a cheeky smile. WTF.

Oh, did i forget to tell you about the worst part? What is it, you ask? The karaoke lah, what else. I really cannot tahan this part. You do know that they sometimes have the volumes high up, so loud that you cant even hear your mind thinking. And this usually happens when a lousy singer starts to sing. Everytime i want to start eating, someone will sing out of tune, really, really, out of tune, like lagu ke mane, dia ke mane kind of thing, and my appetite will be gone, poof, just like that. And i cant take all the staring and whispering behind your back thing everytime we enter the jemputan grounds. Hello, i dont know who you are and i dont owe you anything so stop staring, ogling and gossipping like we're superstars or something. Sheesh.. sickos.

Yawn... better continue on my dwg, still have the boards to do...haaaaaizzzz..........

Oh, out of the blue yesterday, she told me she might write a will, just in case she dies young. Well, here's another sicko for you.

again, and again and again..

Its been almost 3 whole weeks of non stop editing and coloring the same plans and elevs, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVERrrrrrrrrrrrr agggaaaaiiinnnn.....

well, you got what i mean.. not that im complaining but yar, im quite fed up of changing the whole damn thing over and over again. Its like a waking nightmare that i cant get out off. And when the whole thing's done (not anytime soon i suppose), im gonna jump up and down like a maniac and scream out ' ITS OVERRRRRR!!!!WOOOHOOOO!!'

Sometimes, the hole just gets bigger and i dont know how to fill it up. I keep on telling her that its not my fault but she said im just plain lazy. And she hates me a lot. She's so confident of herself and she cant stop talking. She insults me all day long and ever since i knew her, she never had complimented me on anything. Everything she said is laced with sarcasm and everything she does is out of spite. She says im always hindering her, that im the one who's always stopping her from moving on. And did i tell you that she always screams at me, for not speaking up or defending myself, that she always takes over the conversation everytime i start talking. And yes, how can i forget the countless times she goes on saying that she's ashamed of me, of how i've turned out to be. And how she always weeps at a corner, crying out that i'll never be anyone, or anything great. That i'll never make an impact in other people's lives. That i will forever be a ........

Haiz....... time for a change then since she says she's fed up of the same old thing. Ahhh, shut up lah...

walalalala

6I dont know what else to say. Woke up this morning to the most irritating thing ever. Some stupid asshole/bitch/c*bai who lives in the next block played the same arab dance music over and over again, very, very loudly, as if he/she/it/sonofabitch was having an orgy at his/her harem. Seriously, that sick animal must either be deaf or has no ears at all. Dont you have earphones or something, you sick bastard???

And yesterday, my sunday afternoon nap was cut short due to the new dish rack. Mum and dad bought a new, large dish rack. Mum says there's gonna be a lot more space next to the sink and blah, blah, blah, i cant remember what else she said. If you ask me, having that large hideous thing in the kitchen, next to the fridge only adds up to the whole lot of junk collection that we have at home. And yeah, it means more work (hooray, hooray, in a very unenthusiastic tone) for us since we'll definitely have to arrange the dishes and whatever. And its inevitable that we will get lazy and then the old man will start to nag and nag about housework not being done and him having to do all the dirty work in the house.

So in conclusion, i predict nasty arguments and bloodshed (due to unstoppable nagging) in the near future. There's nothing i can do about it though other than to pray that somehow the thing will break or ...

Anyway, back to me being woken up from my sunday nap. So, while trying very hard to fall into a deep sleep again, dad wokes me up, asking for help in the kitchen. I was this close to screaming out WHY ME???!!! but i was feeling soo very drowsy that i just got up and went to the kitchen. The racks were strewn all over the floor and mum was holding up the 'backbone' of the dish rack while dad was trying his best to fix it together. Both of them were pissed off, with the rack and with each other. If i wasnt sleepy yesterday, i would've laughed out loud at them. So i had to help dad fix the small racks to the back bone and they flipped it this way, flipped it that way and still the racks wont fit. When i took a step back to look at the big picture, i felt like crying. THEY HAD 2 LEFT SIDES FOR THE BACKBONE!!!!

Me: hey, you guys bought 2 left sides, that's why it doesnt fit. Why didnt you check before buying it? Go back and ask the uncle to change lah...

Dad: No, its correct, the reason why it looks like its 2 left side is because your mum flipped it the other way, yada,yada,yada..

Mum: We didnt check, the shopkeeper said everything's inside so we just took it, blah, blah.

To summarise the long story, i went to the toliet because it was ridiculous and senseless to fix a rack with 2 left sides. Mum and dad then tried one more time to magically fix the thing together and finally gave up. Then both of them went back to the shop only to come back empty handed cos that was the last piece. If i had followed them, i would have given the shopkeeper a piece of my mind, and it will be filled with all the profanities that you can think of.

So, the moral of the story is... Never wake up when your parents ask for help in the kitchen, pretend that you tidor mati, dont even move an inch, whatever you do, DONT WAKE UP!!!, unless the kitchen is on fire lah..hah.

lalala

Meeting up with norain later to pass her the fabric i bought for mum. Hope we have time to chill out in front of the hotel again. hope it wont rain cos if it does, then the chill out mood will be goen forever.

Was so tempted just now to step out of the house and kepo2 since a civil defence jeep or truck parked right in front of the office. But then i remembered that most CD guys are malay so i had to resist the temptation. Nanti if i went out to kepo, they might think that im out there to cuci mata or menggatal pulak. Wonder what happened. I guess someone's dog or cat got stuck on a tree or something. Dont know lah, i can only imagine what happened. Man, should have just kepo2 just now, i bet i'll still be wondering about this later when i go to sleep.

Ahh...crap, im late, well, norain just have to wait for me then..haha, serves her right for making me wait all the time. Klah, ciao..

tongue

Someone's been talking about me.
BADmouthing more like it. How do i know?
I've bit my tongue.
Twice.
And it sure hurts a lot when its at the same place!!!

So, stop insulting me behind my back lah. Say it straight to my face. Even if you dont like me, at least spare a thought for my tongue...

Sheesh...stupid badmouthers...

It feels like everything that I've planned has gone terribly wrong. There's just this sense of unease and sickening dread. And it was all due to the talk we had yesterday. My aunt reminded me of overseas studies and when I told her I will get there someday, it suddenly hit me. At the rate that im going right now, I might never even get to taste the Australian air and the university life that I had been dreaming of for the past 2 years. It used to consume my thoughts but now, im so caught up with trying to finish up the concept boards or looking for suitable finishes for lounge project that I have lost sight of everything else.

To tell you the truth, I don't want to be doing this, here, for the rest of my young life. Im only 20 for god's sake, I don't want to sit and do stuff that 30 year olds do when they get sick and tired of running around. I want to be out there, with people my age, learning new things and testing my creativity, not that I think im creative enough but it’s a change of atmosphere right? To be somewhere totally new, surrounded by people with different views on life and to be learning.

I don't care when everyone else keeps saying that it's a waste of time and money to be studying overseas. Hey, like what I said, im still young and its not wrong to make mistakes because that's the learning process.

Yes, work is cool because you get paid but right now, work is sooo not for me. From now on, I will not spend money like water, im going to start saving a lot more that what I've been saving and I will not forget the promise I made to my mum. I know it will be difficult but heck, im gonna get to RMIT even if I have to starve to get there. And yes, I have no qualms about leaving my family back here. Eh, its not as if im going to settle down overseas right? Singapore is still the best place to live in even though its boooorrrriiiinnngggg. Hah.

There's a beautiful full moon tonight but the clouds kept shrouding it. Here i am, walking among rows of private houses, wondering what these people were doing behind the concrete walls and venetian blinds. My shoulders felt like its been through 18 hours of serious pounding by invisible mallets and my mind's still groggy due to the sudden jolt back to reality. It was pure bliss, knowing that for awhile, i was free from the asphyxiating clutches of work and parental guidance.

But now, as i looked at the dark sky.... i felt like running into the forest and hiding there forever. Life wouldnt be so bad there...

7.15pm
7th August '06

what the fuck lahh

FUCK...

After editing the plan for the gazillionth time and finally getting the green light from Mama Yoda yesterday, i received an email from the secretary of K company. It was a sketched layout from her boss which was supposed to be given to us last week, on monday. Now, i have to redo the plan, AGAIN, and photoshop it, AGAIN.

Dont you think that i should go out, pick a random person on the street and just strangle him/her to death?

Dont you think that i should set fire to this house and watch it burn to a crisp?

Dont you think that i should just walk out, go home and sleep?

I think i should edit it now, before i die of suppressed anger and tension.

Those bloody fuckers should DIE!!!!!!!!!!

back from KL

Yay! Im back from KL and im in one piece. Haha to junxian who says KL is not safe for 2 small girls. Anyway, im soo freaking tired. My shoulders ache like hell, due to the heavy load that i carried back home..hehe

The trip was good..norain and i shopped like we've never shopped before and then we lost our bearings and almost gave up hope. Ok, im exaggerating here but we kind of got lost at BB plaza and sungei wang. We couldnt find the exit so farhana had to wait like, for 1/2 hour i think? The only glitch to the trip was the 1 hour traffic jam at johor when we were on our way back home. My god, i was so pissed off, not with the jam, but the people at home who kept calling and msging me. What the fuck right? If i said i was coming home, it means by hook or by crook i WILL COME HOME. Bengap mentega seh.

Far joined us in the evening, it was fun lah. Was like a slumber party. I loved the chicken rice that we ate for lunch on saturday. The fried sotong was soooo nice and the fried beansprouts were so fresh and juicy. Wahaha,my mouths watering right now..heee

I took the mrt for the first time and to tell you the truth, it was scary. Its not like the system in singapore where we have direct line and just change the lane to go to other stations. This one, when you change, you have to get out of the station and change at another station which was across the road. And the underground one... My god, i think norain knew that i was scared because it was cramped and people just kept pushing you in. Men just push your back in the train macam takde ape2. Like, HELLO, there's such a thing as mouth and words. Dont you know how to speak? And when the train moves to the left or right, you can really tersungkur if you dont hold on to something. I dont think i'll be taking the underground train again. But i'll take the monorail, its sooo cute....hehehe...

And then there's this malay lady, malay tau, she was so rude. Norain gave her 50 ringgit because we dont have small change and then you know what she said? ' Takde duit besar lagi ke?' ( No bigger notes ar?) And norain replied, 'Duit lagi besar blum kluar kan lagi'. And when we wanted to give her 10 ringgit, with a really irritating voice, like WE owe her something, she said 'Tak payahlah, dah tukar dah nie'. Norain was sooo pissed off she bahasekan the FAT lady by saying 'and this is what you call good service.' Haiz...we are malays, why the need to be so rude? if you dont like your job, then jangan kerje lagi. You're working at the info counter, you should be nice regardless of how tired you are because its YOUR DAMN JOB. Other than that, the people at the other info counters were really nice and friendly.

Oh yar, forgot to write about the incident at the singapore customs. The first one was when we were going into malaysia. This customs uncle kept looking at my photo and my face 5 to 6 times. Even when he was done scanning my passport, he took one long look at me and back at my picture. I looked at him with the What-do-you-want face. And when we were going back yesterday, the same thing happened. But this time, the young, chinese officer had something to say..

Officer: Ms Diana? This is you? Never change picture ar? ( all the while looking back and forth from my passport to me with an amused smile)

Me: Yar, old photo lah, was in secondary school.

Officer: Oh, now you're 20? Look so young and pretty..blah, blah

Me: Heeee (HUH? What do you want from me? Just check the thing and let me go lah!!)

And then after he finally did what he was supposed to do with my passport, he let me off with a smile. Whatever man.. Norain kept laughing over the incident, she could see and hear the conversation as she was behind the yellow line. I mean, what's so funny? The photo was taken ages ago, and its not like i was unrecognisable? And after i went off, the officer asked norain 'Your poly friend?' Haiz...maybe i should change photo if i dont want anymore unwanted stares and questions thrown my way...