yohoho

I must remind myself not to harbour ill feelings such as spite, vengeance and hatred when im going to sleep. It will only wear me out for the rest of the next day and i will get a splitting headache. To top it all up, i wont feel like my usual self and i'll get very drowsy. But then again, isnt that my usual self?

Work, is taking a toll on me. People expect me to know everything, and some are even rascist towards me, although they havent shown me their true racist attitude yet. Yes, im a malay girl working in a community which is largely dominated by chinese. And just because i say ' I dont know', or 'I have to consult my boss first', it doesnt mean that i am stupid. If i were stupid, i would not be working at all. Well, in actual fact , i AM stupid, stupid to want to be working with you people.

How do you explain to all these people that they are the ones who are bringing you down? I just absolutely hate it when i meet a person for the first time, and they start sizing me up. I know first impressions last, but right now, i dont give a fucking damn arsehole about what you think about me, my IQ or my race. I just want to do my work. I know you, i work with you but it doesnt mean that i like you even when i smile and pretend that i dont know anything.

I dont understand the work politics that you old farts are in. I dont understand why i have to be sucked into this money making wormhole that you guys have made. Am i really a diamond waiting to shine? This i am not sure. How do i trust what they said about me being good and stuff when i dont even believe that i can do it. Am i an under achiever? The more people think im good, the more i will try to prove that they are wrong. If you think i suck, well then, i guess i do. But do i care, yes and no. Yes, because im working for people and this involves reputation and integrity and no because it's just me not to care. But if i dont care, why am i writing about it in the first place? Because its eating up my already tormented and confused soul. Am i naive and foolish to believe that maybe, just maybe, things will turn out fine? Yes, because now, everything seems to be going downhill and im just watching it go down without even bothering to raise an eyebrow.

At times, i feel like i want to retreat to that place, the hard boiled wonderland that murakami invented, which exists only for me, in my mind. Wouldnt it be great to just leave my body, this mould and to go into that world where everything is the same but different. A controlled environment, which my mind subconsciously programs to follow the course of my real life but in a different style, which does not have hatred or death. An unfeeling place where happiness is just a smile and sadness is just a tear rolling down your cheek, nothing more, nothing less. Wouldnt that be better?

Am i in depression? Well, i dont think so, if i was, i would not be blogging at all. I would not be working, i would cut off contact from my friends and the public for that matter. I would be sitting in a dark room, in a corner and staring at the cracks and dust on the wall. That is my definition of depression. Maybe my problem is that im too scared, too lazy, too meek, too 'i dont know', too submissive, too naive, too pessimistic and too much of an introvert. Maybe im just afraid of responsibilites. Maybe im just too eager to be what i've always wanted to be. Nothing.

I guess its your fault for not instilling the drive or the passion into my brain. Never was there any words of encouragement to build up my self confidence, but there were always spiteful comments that made me feel like i was born to be a loser, a reject. I wanted to write you a letter but then i figured, what's the point, since posting it would only make the wound deeper and the resentment that i have towards you will just be greater. Sometimes i wonder, do you have any goals in life? have you thought of what i will be in the future? Do you even give a fucking shit if i turned like what most people are turning into? Am i meant to live in this cycle where i will end up regretful of everything that i've done? I guess everything's your fault. Its not mine. Im just here, just as confused as i was way back in kindergarten. Now, that seemed like eons ago. Do i even remember what it was like 14 years ago?

I cant be bothered to.