another monday

So here i am again, bored and tired of all this. Wonder why im still here if im not happy. I've thought of it a hundred times, but i just cant bear to let go. This is my comfort zone but the truth is, im still squirming in here, macam cacing kepanasan. The thought of having to face all those crazy people and explain about yourself and stuff all over again just makes me wanna bawl. I just wished someone would tell me straight in my face that i dont have the creativity and the guts to be a designer. Maybe then this nightmare will end. maybe then i could sleep better at night. maybe then its time to start re-evaluating my future and career (HAH! as if). What else is there for me other than interior design? That's what i've been mulling about ever since i graduated. my future seems so bleak. boohoo. and im not nervous at all, in fact im deliriously calm right now. well, that's a sign of denial.

Sometimes, i think i AM stupid, due to all the recent remarks that people have been making behind my back about me not knowing anything. And also it was partly my fault (NOT!) for giving them the vacant look when they asked me something. Hello, what am i suppose to do when i have about almost everyone on site asking me for stuff and wanting resolutions at the same time. Im not a genius ok. I never was and i never will be. Its depressing i tell you. did i spell depress correctly?

Anyway, i just wish that time could stop for awhile. Just for a day. Stop working, stop driving, stop trying to get on other people's nerves, stop drawing, stop telling me to do stuff im not suppose to do, stop asking, stop talking,stop preparing dates for presentation, stop building, stop nagging, stop asking me what time i'll be back. Just stop and think. Maybe the world will be a better place. Maybe lah.

And yeah, i just wanna say that i love my mum. Soo much. Our family is not like other people's family where love is expressed vocally. We find it weird to tell the other person that we love them. Dont know why, but that's just how it goes. Well, i dont know why i have the urgeto write this but, here it is.

To Mak..
I love you mak, even though sometimes you can be abit annoying, actually, super annoying. I love you even though your cooking skills have deteriorated ever since you started working 8 years ago, haha, just kidding. I love you even when you make me do errands which are like from zaman nenek2 dulu. I love you even when you nag at me for spending money like there's no tomorrow cos you do that too right? I love you for the constant and predictable sms'es which goes 'Di, ada kat mana sekarang?' I love you everytime you talk about late granddad and how much he showered me with love cos i never seem to remember him at all. I love you when you talk about late grandma and how it was like living at our first house in Bukit Batok, cos it reminded me of how simple life was back then. I love you everytime you ask me to eat cos you always seem to know when im hungry. I love you when you tell me that eating too much chocolate and nuts will make my face breakout with pimples cos sometimes that doesnt happen,haha. I love you everytime we watch tv and you will go, 'Bile ICS start?Mak nak tengok' even though we've told you for the millionth time that its CSI and that you cant even tahan until 9.30pm. I love you everytime you laugh at my silly and lame jokes, cos it makes me feel like im the funniest person on earth. I love you even though you kept telling me that taking care of me was like hell 18 years ago. I love you when you pour out your feelings to me cos it makes me feel mature. But you know what? I love you the most when we go back home together after work, when we just sit on the bus and enjoy each other's company, without saying a word.

Aww, so emo....God, i hope my sisters wont ever read this.