Sing for Absolution

Yes i admit i've been very busy lately and too lazy to blog. I've soo much stuff to write about but time is very precious for me right now. We have a lot of projects coming up at the same time. Yar, like what the fuck right? These projects are sprouting out like mushrooms lepas hujan. Anyway, since i bet i'll be super blahdy damn busy till christmas, wait, no, until next year actually, or forever (blahdy fuck), i thought i'll just write in to remind myself of this kinda free moment in my life.

What was it that i wanted to write again? Oh, yeah, the cafe that i'll be working on is starting soon, i have to draft out the programme timeline, the meetings with the landlord, client and also contractors and suppliers. Imagine ME, haivng to lead these people and order them around. God, its soo mind boggling and not to mention extremely perplexing and you bet your 50 cents im hyper ventilating right about now. Oh God, what if they ask me about details and stuff? what if i said i dont know again? what if i said i'll ask my boss again? WHAT IF I MADE THE THINKING FACE AGAIN (which always comes across to people that im spacing or blanking out, sheesh)

If you must know, those are all the stuff that im not supposed to say or do in front of people. MUST. REMIND.MYSELF.NOT.TO.SAY.ALL.THAT!!!

So, i was given another lecture by Mama Yoda on people, life, release, and attitude. Too long so i wont bother blogging about it. But it sure made me rethink of what i've been doing. I must say that in this line, we have to be very cautious or should i say sensitive of how we react, our reactions always affect people, in one way or another. And this kind of sucks since i dont like some people and i dont want to be associated with them or be nice to them. I dont even want to acknowledge them. But its weird since when you meet the person, you have to be cordial. PRETEND NOTHING HAPPEN. But its still weird, so i guess i wont tahan long in this design industry, too much politics and mind games.

And life at home has been the same, except that now i wake up to the cries of Tom and Jerry. Yeap, we have 2 kittens who are very, very hyperactive. And they really love to wrestle on top of our heads while we're sleeping. And yeah, im super dee duper broke because the insurance company cut off my moolah on the 15th. Bloody assholes. And we're always short of cash nowadays due to my old man's company yang nak tutup tapi tak tutup2 pastu asik kasi workers off 2/3 minggu. Haiz.

So, i gotta go. One day, i will write in again. That is if im still sane and breathing.

im not o-fucking-k

It just seems nice to put that for the title of my post, not that im really not ok, its just that..haiz, too lazy to blog about it.

Anyway, im sick and tired of everyone asking and hinting on me to get a guy friend. My aunt is going on and on, telling me to get a boyfriend, talking about marrriage, yikes, im only 20 for God's sake. And she will counter attack this remark by saying that so and so's daughter is already married at 17. She doesnt want me to kahwin lambat. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Who cares if i get married late or not get married at all? That's all in the future and its not the time yet. And she was forcing me to look extra nice just because we're going to someone's wedding, someone who's not related to me at all! I should have just worn the ugliest and baggiest baju kurung just to piss her off. haha. She told me to wear kebaya in the first place but i said its already night time and why do i need to dress up so nicely? Its not as if i can find the love of my life at a wedding right? Hahaha, that's so funny, gosh, i crack myself up sometimes. well, i didnt say that to her, didnt want her to start lecturing on and on about love, marriage and blah, blah, blah.

Dont get me wrong, i love my aunt just as much as i love my mum but she loves to nag, a lot. And she was soo pissed off when my mum joked that i might nikah pat mahkamah. You should have seen the look on her face. Hehehe.

Well, the point is, what's wrong with being single? Im ok this way. Not that i dont want one but if i cant find one, then i'll just wait lah.

BEEP!!

But of course, when you say you understand, do you really mean it? One thing is for sure, NO ONE really understands what im going through. You say you do but in reality, you just assume, guess and try to connect/relate your pain with mine but what im feeling, my definition of pain, of loneliness, of emptiness, of exhaustion, weariness, embarrassment, and whatever stupid depressing feelings that you can think of, is totally different from yours.

Sacrifices have to be made but some people just wont let me make them. They need my help but they turned their backs on me and said that im too hardworking, that im drifting away. Where is the moral support when you need it the most? The future is still, shaky, and its finally my turn to help out but no one understands that in order to help out, i'll not be there most of the time. Im tired, they know im tired and yet they ask me to leave everything behind at the end of each day. Yes, i've done a lot of thinking and that, loads of times since last week. And because of all this stuff, i found out i lost weight, from 27 waist size, dropped down to 25. But maybe my jeans da longgar, stretched. Anyway, weight lost is of no significance right now. I need rest but my blood is being sucked dry.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..............................................................................................

Im so fucking fed up. These sick assholes, bastards and bitches are makign my life afucking living hell. I get scolded from my mum, my boss, and then i get scoled by the fuckingwhore of a graphic person who doesnt even have the brains to register my stupid simple english and yet says that i keep asking her to change the layout. Excuse me, i explained to you and you do it blindly, fucking hoe. I feel like jumping off this building. And the stupid client keeps wanting to change the fucking layout as if that is the only project that im doing right now. Hello, your shop is not the only shop in the world which is opening in a few fucking days

I DONT HAVE THE FUCKING PATIENCE TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!! THIS FUCKING SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF ME.AND I MIGHT JUST COLLAPSE AND DIE WIITHOUT ANYONE KNOWING UNTIL THE WHOLE PALCE STINKS OF MY ROTTING FLESH. FUCK TO ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO JUST FIND IT FUN TO TORMENT ME AND DEMEAN ME , FUCKING CIBAIS.

I JUST WANNA TAKE A BREAK, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR? iTS NOT AS IF IM ASKING FOR A MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS RIGHT?

IM SOO TIRED. LEAVE ME ALONE. PLEASE, I WANT TO ENJOY THE STUPID FUCKING MEASLY 2 DAYS OF MY FREE LIFE TO JUST SLEEP AND NOT THINK OF WORK AND CLIENTS, OR SUPPLIERS OR CHAIRS OR DESIGN OR HOSPITALS. I JUST WANA GO HOME AND SLEEP. I JUST WANT PEACE. I JUST WANT TO QUIT. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. FUCKING ASSHOLES.bhofhouy

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cough, write, cough

Sometimes, it just feels like a dream. This life, i mean. Every movement made, every word spoken, feels surreal. Am i really breathing or not? Is that my heart beating or..?

Its hard to resist the sudden inclination to start off conversations in my head with words like 'but of course'. But of course, it IS such a common word. Then again, filling this empty space with words which arent mine and dont mean that much to me is a futile attempt to give meaning to my life/dream. In the end, im left with empty words, false hopes and dreams which are stale and is replaying itself over and over again like a stupid slideshow.

How is it possible that everytime i try to step forward, i will always shrink deeper into my old self. Why do i always get thrown back to that zone, where shutting up and pretending nothing exists feels so...great, so natural. Speaking up is such a chore, especially when you have people hanging onto your every word, waiting to pounce on you when you say the 'wrong' thing. Im tired of having to think before i speak, of how to act in front of others, how to do things. Its not me. I feel like a puppet on strings, a robot, an automaton(huh?).

And yeah, i AM a dreamer, with no goals or accomplishments in life. I just want to sit and dream the day away.

Growing up is such a chore, you have to think of everyone.

Sometimes, its best if the entries are short, its so depressing to read and i cant really do anything about it.