Sometimes, it just feels like a dream. This life, i mean. Every movement made, every word spoken, feels surreal. Am i really breathing or not? Is that my heart beating or..?
Its hard to resist the sudden inclination to start off conversations in my head with words like 'but of course'. But of course, it IS such a common word. Then again, filling this empty space with words which arent mine and dont mean that much to me is a futile attempt to give meaning to my life/dream. In the end, im left with empty words, false hopes and dreams which are stale and is replaying itself over and over again like a stupid slideshow.
How is it possible that everytime i try to step forward, i will always shrink deeper into my old self. Why do i always get thrown back to that zone, where shutting up and pretending nothing exists feels so...great, so natural. Speaking up is such a chore, especially when you have people hanging onto your every word, waiting to pounce on you when you say the 'wrong' thing. Im tired of having to think before i speak, of how to act in front of others, how to do things. Its not me. I feel like a puppet on strings, a robot, an automaton(huh?).
And yeah, i AM a dreamer, with no goals or accomplishments in life. I just want to sit and dream the day away.
Growing up is such a chore, you have to think of everyone.
Sometimes, its best if the entries are short, its so depressing to read and i cant really do anything about it.
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