oooo

OVERLOAD!!!!!

OVERLOAD!!!!!

OVERLOAD!!!!!

OVERLOAD!!!!!


Yes. OVERLOAD. Sendat with all the stuff that i have to finish up.

I AM NOT A ROBOT!!!!!!!!!

Not fair. Im just a fresh graduate. How come im heaped with all these responsibilities? Too much info, too many projects, so little time. One day i might not even remember my own name................

And why do people keep calling me Diane? For God's sake, its DIANA people. D-I-A-N-A.


i feel like wailing out loud...


I AM NOT A ROOOOBOOOOTTTT........

I think im going crazy......Boooohooo.......

babababa

Is it so much to aks for?
Time and you.
Just a minute alone with you
to figure out what's going on with this life.
Maybe we've had this talk before.
Yeah, i was too busy to listen.
Busy with life's mysteries.
You were looking straight at me,
wanting some answers.
No.
I dont have it.
i dont know what i want anymore.
Yeah, i remember.
Im taking it a day at a time.
Yeah sure, just walk off and leave me here.
Hope you have bloody nice day.
NOT.

fucking piece of crap

Bloody fucking fuck.

I have to OT.
Today.
Out of all days. I have to OT today.
A fucking SATURDAY..........

Do i look like a fucking robot to you?
Stupid client asking for stupid proposal for some big person in the last minute and expect me to produce a bloody fucking good job with only 3 - 4 days to finish all the fucking things. What the fucking hell.

To top it all up, how the hell do i find time to clear up the backlog and get to rest at the same time.

Once again, i wish people would stop telling me to relax and to just wait for my pay. No offence but my job is different from your job.

Argh..gotta continue the last three panels. Let me curse the fucking computer then .Ciao.

pain.

Im in pain right now. No surprise. Its the usual stomach cramps. By the way, went back home with mum yesterday evening. Gave up my seat to this lady and her 5 yr old daugther. When the mother scolded her daughter for digging her nose. The girl replied that its not dirty, she's just taking out the worms from her nose. Hahaha. Maybe that will be my excuse next time.

So, im very puzzled and not to mention disgusted. How come i always attract attention from older guys? Especially those who are around 30 plus. God, do i look like i carry a banner which says...

"Uncle sayang, wanna go dangdut with me?"

Irritating seh. These guys are like pangkat uncle already, masih ade hati nak kenal2. God, tua kutuk tak sedar diri. Seems like what Mama Yoda prophesised might just happen then. EWWWW.... Touch wood.

Looks like i have to get a boyfriend then(SAME AGE as moi). Haha. I cant believe i wrote that. So, if anyone who happens to read this and who happens to know a single guy, Tag me. HAHAHAHA... ;p

back

Mama Yoda finally decided to grace me with her presence yesterday afternoon. Was so glad to see the slave driver.HAHAHA. The first thing she said was the usual hello and then she said that i've grown taller. Thought it was a joke at first but she looked serious. Well, i guess she must have shrunk because i've not grown an inch at all. Anyway, we went to a local hospital for a briefing on a new project. I felt like laughing when were in there. Its the typical large office with small cubicles for staff. Well, walking in it makes me feel like pacman. I felt like chanting PACMAN, PACMAN all the way. But since it was a project for the children cancer patients, had no mood to do it.

It was sad actually when J explained to us about the whole thing. These children live in the area where the air has to be filtered. They cant go out into fresh air because their immune system is very weak. They can only look out of the glass windows into the sort of garden outside. Sad right? When you think about it, you have to thank God for giving you the comforts and the luxury that you have now.

Makes me feel bad about complaining about life and all that stuff. These kids dont know how long they're going to stay there or if they are going to be ok at all. Semoga Allah berikan mereka kesabaran dan ketenangan.Amin

Anyway, we went to print the WS panels after that and then Mama Yoda drove me around Arab str because she wanted to treat me to a nice dinner. After making a lot of u turns and irritating other drivers, we finally got out of the car to walk along the shops in front of Masjid Sultan. Ate satay, tahu goreng and gado2. Nice but i was feeling queasy. We catched up on stuff and she told me a funny thing. She said one day i will marry an older guy whom i will idolise. And she even asked me if i want to bet on it. Haha.How come people always tell me funny stuff like this? Oh yeah, she keeps mentioning the old dude. Heh. Said when she comes again for a longer trip, will ask him to join us for dinner and will bully him. ;p

ok, i gotta be going back home now. Have to do plan for another food kiosk at another hospital.
Ciao.

Ive been feeling sad these few days. Not sure why though. I feel like all is lost. Ive got no hope for anything else. I feel empty and drained. What am I doing here? Only god knows why. Maybe I have an undetectable tumour in my brain. That’s why I feel like crap every morning. Maybe I have a psychological disorder, which explains the voices in my head. Maybe im just a loser. And forever a loser will I be.

I just want to say sorry to all my friends. Sorry for all the screaming and shouting at their faces. I dont mean it. Its just that in a state of madness, I forgot that people have feelings too. Im sorry that Ive not been of much help, either with school work or with personal problems. Not that I dont want to but I dont know how. You guys know right that if I helped someone, it will be all the way through. Im sorry that im not the perfect friend.

Sorry to my parents too, for not being a responsible eldest daughter and for not being good enough. Sorry I cant make their life much easier. Sorry for being the root of almost all of their problems.

Sorry. I think its that time of the month again.

bleep..

YAWN.....

Its funny how when you combine boredom,loneliness and tiredness, it always adds up to hearing voices around you. No, im not a schizo. But these voices will keep telling me to go to sleep or go back home or do something drastic like run around the whole house and scream "I AM NOT CRAZY!!!" So what if the radio's blasting at the background? It doesnt reduce my boredom and my tiredness.

Anyway, gonna lepak with norain in town later. Chit chat lah, what else since both of us are bloody broke. Sad ar. When im broke, i always think of how not to spend money. What the hell am i saying???

Gonna wait for Mama Yoda's comments on the panel. I still havent received the mambo fabrics and when do i have to print?

Weeeeee...almost fell asleep just now. Better start packing. Ciao.

hahaaa

SIGH......

Lets just call him Mr Ako because he looks and sound sooo much like Ako mustapha(in his thinner days). Too bad he's not malay...Haiz...He's sooo cute...(slurp,slurp). He dropped by just now to give samples of the floor finishes which i still havent chosen. God, i hate choosing materials. Anyway, i tried very hard not to look at his face when he talked. If i did, i would've pinched his cheeks and ..... Haha, fill in the blanks man. But its just the same when looking at his hands or his hair.. Shit, forgot to look for his ring so i still dont know if he's married.Wahahaha..., i sound so desperate. But if he's single, i stand a chance right? Hehehehe..man, i crack myself up. I cant stop laughing out loud because it just seems to funny. Sigh...maybe i'll dream of him tonight...hahahaha

Now i forgot all the pissed off feelings in the morning. My stupid spoilt brat sister who has a pig's arse for a mouth wont be getting a tight slap across her face later then. Awww, so sad, i was just contemplating which side of her face would be better to slap, the left or the right cheek.

So, i didnt go for the theatre thingy because my services are not needed anymore..Boohoo..the stage lady was captivated by ys design.It was closer to her 'VISION'. Crap seh. I was trying hard not to laugh at her when she talked.No one even laughed when she made a joke( if it counts as a joke in the first place). To top it all up, i felt like peeing because i downed a whole bottle of coke lime (just to busy myself) and the aircon was full blast. Lehn's son is so cute. I entertained him for awhile by making vroomin noises while waving his toy cars all around like it was an aeroplane. Yeah, yeah, i do have a soft sopt for kids and i bet i looked crazy when i did that.

Oklah, i have got work to do. Haiz, work is so mundane, work is not for me. I cant work anymore. I am not a worker, im a freeloader...

funny

Found this picture on the net while looking for drinks images.. Couldnt stop laughing...

dying

This friday-3.30 pm-Submission for the WS project. Total of 6 a2 boards.

Im dying but i dont think anyone cares. Can i make it? Stupid question, by hook or by hook kena finish everything. Hope i dont have to present but, dream on lah. Mama Yoda told me that she wants me to head the presentation (in front of old farts) so i will have to present. But the pressure is killing me. So many projects to finish up. Everything is always put on hold when there's submission for tender. And guess who has clear all the backlog. No, not the ghost in this house but MOI. God, i feel like dropping dead right now. And yes, will have to continue work at home later. Nice man.

Anyway, guess what we did for mother's day? Nope, i didnt do the tamil version of the ibu song for my mum (which i would've if i know the lyrics). We went to the cemetery to visit my grandparents grave, due to my insistence that we should go. Its been months since we went there. I had been dreaming of my grandma and seriously, couldn't sleep well for the past few months. So on the way there, the mood was kind of melancholic. We just kept quiet. It was even worst when we got there. There's this certain sadness and what's that word...Erm, alah, in malay its sayu yang teramat sangat. Its very hard for me to describe, there's also the feeling of lost or void to be exact. If you've lost someone then you will understand what i mean. It was hot but a bit windy, so that sadness and melancholy just lingers. Tried hard to control myself but i just had to let it out. Miss her so much that it hurts sometimes to be reminded of the fact that she's gone.

The thing about death and memories is that its never tepat. I dont know what the hell im crapping about. Its just that even though i try hard to remember, the memories just fade away as the days go by. That sucks. I dont ever want to forget. But like someone said, i am but human. i dont want it to end up like the merlin story..

" Once you are forgotten, you cease to exist."

That's very sad, dont you think so? All the graves left for centuries to come and no one remembers to drop by just to say a little prayer or to trim the weeds. Waiting and longing for your loved ones to turn up. Sad, very sad. Now, i'll go back and try not to think more about this or else i'll get depressed, which by the way i already am.Ciao

aad

Fickle minded ness has led me to where I am now. Sitting within these four walls which seemed to engulf me in its other worldliness. Breathing in the stiff air that has reduced me to a shadow of what I was, I reckon I will dissipate into the air without so much as a struggle to put up. The devil has been whispering in my ear. Soon, he will come bearing me promises of eternal bliss. Ah, there he is, striding past the dark figures lurking in the walkway. I watched him with a mixture of foreboding dread and excitement that I cant really comprehend. Yes, let us discuss this matter in front of the hearth..

All thanks to Hoffmann and the situation that im in right now. I bid adieu to my sanity. Oh, Nandini sends her regards to you guys.

I think im getting sick. First its depression, utmost dread and total lost of faith in myself (pasrahlah), now its positivity and im feeling a bit happy? Sick, just plain sick. I need a break from everything. And why is mr ako calling my hp instead of the office phone?

Ahhh.. I finally found the lyrics to this song. Man, it took me at least 5 months to finally get the song title right. Its by relient-k. Who are they? here's a bit of the song..

And I heard the reverberating footsteps
Syncing up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart
And I can’t let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it’s ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life
Who I am hates who I’ve been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I’ve been
Cause who I’ve been only ever made me

dam

Monday, 8th May, 06

Another week of work to go through but thank god for Friday. It will be Vesak day, woohoo. I finally bought hoffmann’s book which I had been searching for since year 2. God, it seems like ages ago right? And I bought the Strokes first impressions of earth. Nice. How do I explain his singing? Its draggy but his voice rocks lah. The songs are reminiscent of the rock maintain era. Not sure which era though. The album cover book has a lot of reminders or should I say quotes that remind you about the weirdness of life. One such quote took me a long time to figure out. Firstly because it was upside down, and a bit blurry and very,very small. It says..

“ No one leaves an old friend unless they are ashamed..”

Hmm.. Don’t know what to say.

I dont think im ready to handle everything. She wants me to lead the 3 coming presentations. God, I have to present all the work in front of old, working people. Noooo. Just think about it, one day I might end up like one of them. No, that’s not going to happen. Something will happen and it will change my life forever. Sounds cliché right. But really, God certainly has something planned for me. Right?

So another thought has been bugging me since last week. It reminds me of the first few theory lectures in year 1. Each of us are in our own little world. No matter what people say about everyone being connected in some way or the other, we are still in our own little spherical bubble. Just imagine, if God were to make life much simpler, the world would be filled with bubbles instead of human beings. So how do couples…. Ok, I’ll keep that thought to myself. Hah..;p I think the seclusion has made me a bit ding dong.

So, im still waiting. But why should I if I just want to satisfy people’s needs. God, I miss doing nothing at home.
Im reduced to reading people’s blogs and tagging on it just to make sure that I am a part of this big world and not stuck in some god forsaken planet in outer space.

asif

Friday. 5th May ‘06

God, im like bloody tired and sleepy. I cant take it anymore. So. Many. Changes. My mind is so crowded with the bar images and the coloured plans. Wait, my mind is going numb, im stoning out. This is partly due to the rainy weather outside and the coffee that the cleaner uncle bought for me. Tomorrow is the voting day. What do I make of it, you say? Don’t try to cheat and waver people’s trust in the other team, you’ll get sued but worst, you’ll also drop your water face mah.

Hehe, a guy from a laminate company dropped by to show me bigger samples of the laminates. So cute seh. A bit selenge, very skinny, very fair. Yes, he’s Chinese and so? He asked me if he can meet with a ms Diana and I told him its me. Don’t I look like a Diana? Maybe because im wearing slippers and my loose fitting green skirt that I don’t look like a designer? Then what did I look like? A maid? Whatever lah.

dream

Thursday, 4th May, ’06 7pm

I had the weirdest dream ever. There was the Dalai Lama, a kind of courtly royal gathering, a discussion on the correct pronunciation of Marlon Brando (which left me totally inspired in the dream) and finally a broken lamp with complicated contraptions which I kept trying to light up and this finally leads to the prince inviting everyone for a feast.

Yes I did try to make sense of it on the way to work but staring off into space with a puzzled expression on my face, only invites curious stares from people all around. Funny right? I think subconsciously, my mind is making up for the lost of entertainment in my life by coming up with silly dreams.

Anyway, yesterday was supposed to be the last day of CoTo, but since everyone hasn’t finished their models, we’re going to have to continue for 2 or 3 more sessions. To be frank, im thankful that Lehn made me and ys go to the workshop instead of his redhill office. I get to meet all the crazy and annoying people who im beginning to miss. Its hard not to miss the people who you see almost everyday for the past 3 years. Those people who share the lost of blood, sweat and tears while trying to impress the lecturers and their friends. God, why am I so sentimental today? Must be because of all the sappy songs on the radio.

So, if you ask me how’s life right now, I wouldn’t know what to say. My life is like a picture puzzle that im trying to piece together. Things don’t usually go the way I planned it but wait, im not a planner at all. I never even planned what to do next month, let alone next week. It’s a mess I tell you. A mess which I always try to sweep under the carpet so that no one knows about it. Cheh, I hate this pondering mood of mine. Will write in when something interesting happens, like AS IF!! Ciao.