Got this from Jing's blog..seems interesting...oklah, im bored as hell...havent been doing this kinda thing for awhile...So if anyone reads this, it means you're already stabbed...



INSTRUCTION:Bold the statements that are true to you. (in my case its in yellow)

Italicize the statements that you WISH are true. (blue)

Leave the fibs alone.

Then, stab 5 people to do the same test.

1) I miss somebody right now.
2) I do not watch tv these days.
3) I wear glasses or contact lenses.
4) I love to play video games.
5) I have tried marijuana.
6) I have been in a threesome.
7) I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
8) I have changed mentally over the last year.
9) I curse.
10) I am totally smart.
11) I’ve broken someone’s bones.
12) I am paranoid sometimes.
13) I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
14) I need money right now.
15) I love sushi.
16) I talk really, really fast.
17) I have long hair.
18) I have lost money in Las Vegas.
19) I have at least one sibling.
20) I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
21) I couldn't survive without Caller ID.
22) I like the way I look.
23) I am usually pessimistic.
24) I have a lot of mood swings.
25) I have a hidden talent.
26) I am always hyper.
27) I have a lot of friends.
28) I have pecked someone of the same sex.
29) I enjoy talking on the phone.
30) I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
31) I love to shop.
32) Enjoy window shopping.
33) I would rather shop than eat.
34) I don't hate anyone.
35) I am a pretty good dancer.
36) I am completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
37) I have a cell phone.
38) I believe in God.
39) I am an adrenaline junkie.
40) I watch MTV on a daily basis.
41) I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
42) I have rejected someone before.
43) I want to have children in the future.
44) I have changed a diaper before.
45) I have called the cops on a friend before.
46) I am not allergic to anything.
47) I have a lot to learn.
48) I am shy around members with the opposite sexs.
49) I have made a move on a friends significant other or crush in the past.
50) I have tried alcohol before.
51) I own the South Park movie.
52) I would die for my best friend.
53) I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
54) I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
55) I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
56) Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
57) I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
58) I am happy at this moment!
59) I am obsessed with girls/guys.
60) I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
61) I study for tests most of the time.
62) I am comfortable with who I am right now.
63) I have more than just my ears pierced.
64) I walk barefoot wherever I can.
65) I have jumped off a bridge.
66) I love sea turtles.
67) I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
68) Plan on achieving a major goaldream.
69) I am proficient in a musical instrument.
70) I hate office jobs.
71) I love sci-fi movies.
72) I think water rules.
73) I went college out of state.
74) I like sausages.
75) I love kisses.
76) I fall for the worst people.
77) I adore bright colours.
78) I cant live without black eyeliner.
79) I dont know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
80) I usually like covers better than originals.
81) I can pick up things with my toes.
82) I can whistle.
83) I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.
84) I have ridden/owned a horse.
85) I still have every journal I've written in.
86) I can stick to a diet.
87) I talk in my sleep.
88) I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
89) I have jazz in my blood.
90) Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
91) I wear a toe ring.
92) I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
93) I am a caffeine junkie.
94) I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
95) I have been to over 15 conventions.
96) I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
97) I am an artist.
98) I only clean my room when necessary.
99) I like a person of the same sex.
100) I love being happy.

So what's the point of me submitting designs to you if in the end i have to conform to your idea/perception of a good design? Design is subjective to a person's taste but man, cant you be more open to what im offering to you? Of course my design is feasible, if it isnt i wouldnt be proposing it to you in the first place. For the love of design, please stop bruising my already deflated ego and morale.

She told me not to be affected by comments made from them, since different people have different taste. But i cant stand it. How can i keep a straight proud face when they say i cant do that, and i cant do this, or blah, blah, shit, shit.. I need to have inner strength she says, since im always affected by external pressure. HOW NOT TO?? Damn, its such a mental ordeal, all these stupid mind games..im tired of growing up. i thought it meant more knowledge but all i end up with is depression and the need to self destruct in public.

Something is wrong when you keep having monologues and that you cant bear to be in crowds as it always makes you want to scream out for them to keep a clear 5m distance away from you.

How can you keep up this facade? How long will it last, before you crash and find yourself trapped with no options left other than to severe the tie...ARGHHH!!!!!!!

on a sidenote, mom will be off with mak itam to tanjung pinang this weekend and will only be back on sunday evening. this is the first time she's going off without us. And the thought of her being far away from us makes me want to --. 36 hours straight without seeing her face, hearing her voice, poking her neck, etc, etc, etc.... I dont know how we are going to survive. Im already missing her now. I guess this was what she felt whenever i go for camps and overseas trips. Haiz...i cant imagine what i will feel like on the day itself. Yeah,yeah, im mommy's little girl...So?

You know, it gets to a point where my mind is absolutely numb and empty now. Nothing makes sense and nothing really matters. I just feel empty.Is this what it feels like to give up hope? Somehow, whatever i do, it just ends up --------.. Man, this is so depressing..all i can blog about is work, work, work. And i look like a total crap today, flat hair, pale face, and im wearing black jeans and black blouse...which makes me look super thin. Is it just me or were people staring at me when i was at PS???

Anyway, yesterday, out of the blue, my uncle gave me and the twats(3rd n 4th sis) a lecture on being a good muslim and etc. Well, i wouldnt really mind much, just that the the way he lectured us was in such a condescending and accusatory tone that i almost blurted out "i've never had sex, ever!!" I mean, yalah, im not a perfect muslim, sembahyang tak cukup, but i dont think it was appropriate for him to lecture us on this.

I mean, i wasnt the one who got pregnant and had to cover up by marrying at such a young age right? Im not the one with the really hip, happening social life and only reach home at midnight or later after lepak-ing pat esplanade or pat kolong blok. How can you tell me to choose who i should be friends with? If im friends with a gangster or a whatever, as long as i know my limits, its ok to be friends with them. They are humans too. He even went so far as to say, takde kawan pun takpe. WTH.

He thinks his sons are so alim. Please lah, depan adik sedare cakap fuck lah, etc, etc, is that really being a good person? That's a super bad example lah dey.. And his sons are kerek and think they're so cool. Whatever lah kan.. If i wasnt soo tired yesterday, and if my mom didnt teach me to respect people, i would have told him to shut up and look at who he's lecturing at. I think his lecture would be more suitable for 2nd uncle's sons and also my younger cousins, yg da hanyut betul.

But i will bear in mind his advice on sembahyang, Kalau kita ade degree or career in life, sembahyang tak sempurna,tak cukup, bile mati nanti, ape kita nak jawab bile disoal tentang achievements/contributions kita untuk akhirat..?? I believe i have overlooked this, too caught up in this world that i forgot about preparing for the next world. We could all go anytime, just like that. That really strikes a chord somewhere. I guess i've been forgotten because i have forgotten Him. We tend to only remember Him when we are in need. Hmmph, typical human nature.... But i will try to be better, i promise, i will try not to forget, i will remember to say thanks every morning when i wake up. Maybe He will make me remember him.. Just maybe..

give it up

right now im stuck and i cant get out. i have been told not to let these negative stuff get me down but i cannot help it. i cannot help feeling offended when someone asks me whether i am putting effort into designing and whether i have put my heart and soul into my designs. i cannot help but feel like digging a hole in the ground and crawling inside when my dwgs have been looked over with a microscope and circled, highlighted,crossed over in front of my client. I have a million curses for them but since its my fault that the perspective sucks and the dwgs have discrepancies, i will just let it go. i really want to quit but it just proves these 'people' right. That im a coward, a slacker, or 'that malay girl who cant decide what to do'.

Of course i know everyone's insulting and making jokes about me in chinese. Especially for these 2 projects. The client's PM who is not involved at all even kepo2 asked me what really went on in front of the other suppliers and contractors. Yes, i was embarrassed and humiliated there, but since i know he's gonna canang the whole story to the rest of the people, might as well tell him bits of it so as to satisfy his curiosity. Im not here to make friends, definitely not asking people to be nice to me, be all buddy-buddy, or chummies. I just want respect. And im here to make a difference, to be heard and seen. But everytime i get that chance, i just let it slip by.

So is it my fault that i turn out to be inactive, indifferent, indecisive? And to top it all off, insecure. 21 years old and im still having difficulty speaking up and evaluating people's behaviour. So much for growing up....

tick, tick, tock

i feel like a time bomb furiously ticking away, waiting for its moment to explode.. Too many things going on, again. she's putting way too much pressure on me. i dont think i can handle the load, too much lah.

and maybe the reason i was peeved was because i feel invisible. im still peeved by the way. yeah i know its kind of petty but i usually take things like these with a pinch of salt. Well, not really lah, ever since the Nad case, where she always 'cant make it' to our gatherings, i have been kind of pissed off when some people always cant meet up. I mean its not like i want to see your face every damn freaking day right? its just one day in 3 or 4 months where i would like everyone to gather and just catch up, like old times.

The same scenario happened with my sec school friends. People just lose touch and dont bother. I tried organising a hari raya outing 2 years back but they cant decide on that one day and a person even complained about the previous outings (which i didnt organise, mind you), and kept saying negative things until i myself gave up (thanks a lot myka). Seriously, i felt like slapping her face. Till know, i have not bothered to sms these people. Well, if you cant be bothered, why should i? i have a life (i guess) and i have other friends as well (dwindling though).

Anyway, in case i forgot (unlikely though) what pissed me off that day, its the free screening of Psycho last saturday. I asked everyone if they can go, the usual people cant make it, only norain said ok, aimi said she'll get back to me, marinah said she'll sms me if she can go. So in the end, as i was anxiously preparing to knock off from work at 6pm, aimi and marinah didnt reply (lupelah...pundek betul) and norain...guess what happened to my dear buddy????

SHE FELL ASLEEP AND FORGOT BECAUSE I DIDNT CONFIRM WITH HER!!!! Can you believe it?? I smsed her at around 3pm asking if its still on but no reply, then i texted her at 6 to reply if she's going, no reply as well. Then by 7pm (screening starts at 8pm), i was soo disappointed that when boss called me up around 8 plus, i felt like bursting into tears when she asked why i was still in the office. I could have gone alone cos im used to going to places alone ever since i've sold my soul to this company, but i wanted to be around my friends. Its not a matter of needing a friend to 'teman kan you to places', its more of 'bonding with your friends'. That is the reason i was disappointed.

Haiz, anyway, she must have been damn tired, from work. Well, arent we all...