give it up

right now im stuck and i cant get out. i have been told not to let these negative stuff get me down but i cannot help it. i cannot help feeling offended when someone asks me whether i am putting effort into designing and whether i have put my heart and soul into my designs. i cannot help but feel like digging a hole in the ground and crawling inside when my dwgs have been looked over with a microscope and circled, highlighted,crossed over in front of my client. I have a million curses for them but since its my fault that the perspective sucks and the dwgs have discrepancies, i will just let it go. i really want to quit but it just proves these 'people' right. That im a coward, a slacker, or 'that malay girl who cant decide what to do'.

Of course i know everyone's insulting and making jokes about me in chinese. Especially for these 2 projects. The client's PM who is not involved at all even kepo2 asked me what really went on in front of the other suppliers and contractors. Yes, i was embarrassed and humiliated there, but since i know he's gonna canang the whole story to the rest of the people, might as well tell him bits of it so as to satisfy his curiosity. Im not here to make friends, definitely not asking people to be nice to me, be all buddy-buddy, or chummies. I just want respect. And im here to make a difference, to be heard and seen. But everytime i get that chance, i just let it slip by.

So is it my fault that i turn out to be inactive, indifferent, indecisive? And to top it all off, insecure. 21 years old and im still having difficulty speaking up and evaluating people's behaviour. So much for growing up....