satu hari di hari raya

Have i blogged about how my Raya celebration went? Hmm, i guess not. It was fun lah, except for the fact that mum was still cooking lontong up till yesterday. I want RICE AND REAL FOOD!!! i cant take lontong anymore, its not filling, tak kenyang lah, menambah kembung perut lagi ader. And mak's sambal satay is abit kureng oomph this year, maybe she was too kelam kabut, or maybe its just me.

Malas nak cerita pasal 1st few days raya. As usual a bit of tearshed and loads of 'tak tahan ar, ngantuk seh' on my part so let me just talk about the weekend jalan raya. We reached Mama's house( my aunt, not mama Yoda) early in the morning, ard 11 plus. Ni dah kira siang cos she lives ard tiong bahru. And we(adik,itek and i) had maggi mee for breakfast since i was soo sick of lontong. 2 packets of maggi divided by 4 (in the end yati didnt eat her share.Damn that frog!!) is not enough i tell you. As i was saying, went to mama's house, waited while she cook. The kari daging was spicy, yummy. Oh, the menu was roti kirai, ayam goreng jintan, hotdogs, nuggets, mee siam goreng (which i didnt eat, nyesal aku) and bubur pulut hitam. and we waited for pak long to reach but then realised that it would take hours for us to reach tok chik's house at pasir ris, so we made our way to the other end of singapore, full of semangat and not to forget, food.

By the time we reached pasir ris, smue da senget. Lepas tu, sampai rumah tok chik jer smue lepak. terbaring macam puasa enam. Tiong bahru to pasir ris, its a damn long ride kan? anyway, tunggu mak itam lambat, even though they came by car, and after all of us mencekik tok chik's mee goreng, we set off to tok long's house, which by the way, is on the other end of singapore. Yes, its at BOON LAY. Power kan?

Baba only realised that his anak sedare was MIA after a few stops from pasir ris mrt. Hihihi, kelakar, macam mane budak tu bole tertinggal? And when we reach tok long's house, everyone wanted to use the toilet. it was a long journey i tell you. Pastu pat sane, serve lontong jugak. Aiseyman, nasib baik ader sambal tumis udang(anything that has udang, i LOIKE) dan aku pun da lapar balik, so back to the dining table, mencekik lagilah...

took pictures, went to abg jalal's house, served us mee goreng, ayam goreng. Fuyoo, im beginning to love these people. Normal food for hari raya. How great is that? Its wonderful, and i dont want to see lontong for the rest of next month. NO MORE!!! Last stop was tok otak's house, and then balik lah.

maybe i will upload pictures when im free, then my horrible/oklah haircut will be forever remembered. Hey, lebih baik print at kedai,hmmm. lepas dapat gajilah baru aku print. This year we really have a lot of photos, 1st time raya with own digicam katakan. Ahh..'house' is at 10pm today, i will not miss it again. Ciao

post hari raya

Well, well, well. I guess the curry puffs that chelle sent were so loaded with happy pills that i wasnt even bothered or flustered when people say that they prefer my longer hair to my new cropped short hair. Hmm.. must be the festive mood that's making me all happy and whatever. Seriously man, this could be the worst haircut ever and im not even embarrassed. More like i cant be bothered.

Back to work, so very bosan. I am beginning to get bored of all these deadlines and all the calling this person, calling that person. Check whether they have stock, follow up on this closely. Blah blah, ding, ding, dong, dong. Humph, when will i be free to just sit and write? Not that i have the talent in writing as i've repeated oh so many times, just that i always feel inspired but then, cluck, cluck, cluck. Oh my, something's wrong with my fingers, they have a mind of their own.

But really, everyone seem to have that special someone and they kept asking me to find one. Am i that pathetic to never have one at this age? I guess i am but im just not that sociable a person. Not like norain or aimi and especially dayah whom i havent seen for so, many, many months. Then how the hell am i suppose to find you? Every girl dreams about having a prince charming but i would just be happy with a nice funny and sometimes crazy person. Gee, this is all so girly girl. Let's change the subject.

My throat and stomach hurts due to all the lontong and fizzy drinks. I think i might be coming down with a sore throat and maybe fever, who knows. Oh yeah, it was nice to visit the old dude and lehning on monday. Thanks CT for accompanying me. We talked with the old dude, and lehning (which was only for a measly 5 mins or less, dammit). They are separated from school of BE and yeah, everything's changed. They have their own building which was big and looked so raw. The old dude has his own room and a bad window view of SP. It would've been fun to have the whole AFM gang visiting him but then, i was too lazy to contact the rest and norain had to go johor. Boooo..

So yeah, my schedule's very crappy and not to mention out of this world so i think i'd better work on the almost going to be backlog stuff. Adios amigos people. And yeah, i love irwansyah soo much, though i dont understand why he's going out with acha septriasa.

epiphany of sorts?

Maybe the sleeplessness that i had last night was an omen, or a foreboding of things to come today. A lot of things were going through my mind, so much so that i couldnt even close my eyes. I was wide awake until 2 plus in the morning. Thinking. Just thinking of what's happened. And this morning, i had a lecture from Mama Yoda. It hurts because some of it is true. But the part where she said im protecting myself before others and not thinking of others is not true. I try to not to step on people's way, i dont want to make people angry or get them into trouble because of me. But people keep saying that i dont want to be responsible. No, its not that i dont want to be responsible. Its just that i dont know how to handle it. Like what happened two days ago. I finally understood my mistake after Mama Yoda repeated it twice. It finally dawned on me, you know, like the lightbulb that just goes ting!, that yeah, i was being the stupid little girl too scared to be responsible. And it sucks to know that i was so blind and insensitive to my colleague's feelings. And now its bugging me because i might have, unknowingly, done it to my other colleague as well. She should have given me this lecture long ago. Now i feel so,so stupid. No, much worst than stupid but my vocab is limited right now due to all this guilt. Sigh. How do i make up to these people?

And another thing, i received a message from YOU in friendster. YOU who i tried not to remember or associate with 'that incident' because the wound is still very deep. The message made it even worst, its like putting salt on my wound. Im not ready to forget, not ready to forgive, not ready to make any moves. It hurts a lot. The more i think about it, the more i get confused. No, as far as im concerned, that was a black episode in our lives and i dont want to remember it at all. It still hurts very much. Im not going to reply the message. Im sorry for being selfish, i know its like, 3 days to hari raya but i cant pretend everything's fine and dandy and smile at YOU because only God knows how it hurts. Only God knows what really happened and if its true, then that person (whom YOU said did that thing) will have to deal with God, will have to answer to God, not with us. That person will have to seek forgiveness from God. In the end, i dont know what to say or think anymore. i dont even know who's lying or telling the truth.

Its not that i dont miss YOU, its just that circumstances has led to all this loathing and resentment and because this incident caused the person i love most to cry, that made the anger and hatred more important or to put it in a correct term, justifiable. The person whom i spent my whole 20 years with, where i was very close with for 9 whole months, was reduced to tears and looked so lost and helpless. Tell me what else i could do but to instantly nurture all this negative feelings. Because i am only human.

But if you, the person who wrote me the message in friendster, happened to read this blog (i put my blog add at friendster, should take it out later), Im telling you im not ready yet. We might meet during hari raya but i will not know what to say or how to react upon seeing you. I might just pretend you dont exist or i might smile and make small talk, seriously i dont know what i would do. Maybe i would strangle you or stab that person to death. Maybe. Life is too short to be harbouring ill feelings, hatred and animosity sesama insan but, as i've said earlier on, i am only human. Blood is thicker than water, you should know what this means. We'll see what happens when the time comes.

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya to all my muslim friends out there. Semoga Ramadhan tahun ini telah menyedarkan kita tentang kesilapan kita.

I apologise for being so useless.
I apologise for being so incompetent.
I apologise for being so stubborn.
I apologise for not knowing anything.
I apologise for not being good enough.

I apologise for being the dumb ass malay girl that i am.

I apologise for having caused you the trouble to even think of me and how im making your life hellish and miserable and troublesome.

i apologise for breathing in the same air as you.

Man, im.so fucking.tired. Well, guess where i am right now?Yes, still in the office, doing up the presentation boards. When is it going to end? I swear if i have to work on it again tomorrow, i will just jump down from this 20th floor condo unit. Wait, too drastic, the most i would do is just rip up all the papers within my reach and bang and stomp on the the table like a spoilt brat. Arghhhh, my neck and shoulders hurt soo much. I feel like crying but what's the point. Waste air mata ajer. As a friend of mine said a long time ago, lebih baik minum air dari buang air. Oookaay, that sounds weird.

Anyway, 6 more days to raya!!!!!!! Woohoo, im excited, 3 days (if mama Yoda gives me 2 days off) of freedom and loads of eating all the goodies and sinful food. I tell you, im gonna gobble everything that contains chocolate. Yummy, and i cant wait to eat mum's, erm, what's is called again? God, im so freaking hungry that i cant remember what my favourite raya dish is. This is crazy man. Its sambal kacang, no, its, WTF. I give up man. its like rendang but its sambal tumis with kacang and daging. Apekebende lah name die aku boleh lupe pulak. haiz..

I keep having the urge to write poems, to write essays, to read up theory stuff on design and its very depressing cos im so blahdy busy nowadays that i dont even have the time to read the papers. Sob, sob. And i missed House yesterday. That's two times already you know. Hmm, i need to have my daily dose of theory stuff. Seriously, i dont know why i love to read up stuff which, to tell you the truth, most of it i dont understand. Its just comforting to read those essays. Its like reading up children's fairy tales. It makes you forget about the real world, as in YOUR real world. Those essays are like, hmm, its like snuggling up into a thick warm blanket when the weather is cold and freezing. yeah, it feels like that, dont ask me why. Oklah, im going back home. Im tired, hungry and going cuckoo. I gotta ask my mum the name of my fave dish. Is it sambal daging or....

im baaackkk....

Can you feel it? Its in the air. Its undescribable.

Want to know what happened last week? I burst into tears after listening to a hari raya song. Haha, silly me. I dont know what got over me, but i was sobbing like hell, with my hingus and all that stuff, when the song wasnt even sad at all. In fact, it was a very happy song. Where was i at that time? Oh yar, alone at work, listening to ria on the net. I think i was just overwhelmed by everything. Time passes by so, so fast. I dont even have time to sit and think things through.

And now, 3rd week of puasa is almost over, 9 more days to the BIG DAY. Woohoo. And geylang was packed yesterday. We (aimi, ayie, norain and i) went to eat at this place at TKC, or was it joo chiat complex, hmm, dont remember and dont care because it wasnt that nice. It was fun, to just walk around with friends. And it was good to see norain because i havent seen her for a whole month. And yes it was nice to see the beruk too. And ayie looks different, because he's thinner now. And from afar, it looks like aimi was going out with a younger guy. hahaha.

Have i said how much i love the fasting month? Its so... lovely. I guess im in the festive mood. Its not the big day that im excited about, its the preparation and all the bustling and kecoh ness to the big day that just makes me high. Its intoxicating man. And during this time, all the memories will be flooding back. I kept being taken back in time, back to when late grandma was living us. All those little things that we used to do before celebrating the big day.....

Like making kuih hari raya on the kitchen floor, grandma and mum would be bickering about the color of the inti kuih tart. Red or yellow? In the end, its red. Or the time where mum and dad will be arguing with each other while they were fixing the curtains (FYI, they still do that every year). Or the time when grandma changed the kekabu bantal, and the whole place will be like a factory with all the kekabu floating in the air. Or when dad dresses up the house with balloons and those shiny metallic drapy thingys like we're celebrating someone's birthday instead of Hari Raya.

We dont have that now. Everything's changed. Everyone seems to be doing their own thing. Everyone has to work and go to school. Life is different now. But i will remember one thing that happened that night. Yati, lela and i were watchin the lampu lap lip on our beds, with the radio playing the hari raya songs. The lights were off, and so was the tv. We just ogled at the lights and were talking about how pretty it was. We talked about how the lights seemed to be following the rhythm or the beat of the songs played on the radio. I felt like i was 10 years old again and that my sisters were still 6 and 5. It felt nice. It felt nice to feel that for a few moments, nothing else matters except for the pretty flickering lights.

I listened to this song and it reminded me of you.
'All I wanted was the chance to say
I would like to see you in the morning
Rolling over just to have you there
Would make it easy for a little bit longer'
God, i'd do anything to have someone like you.
Anything.