epiphany of sorts?

Maybe the sleeplessness that i had last night was an omen, or a foreboding of things to come today. A lot of things were going through my mind, so much so that i couldnt even close my eyes. I was wide awake until 2 plus in the morning. Thinking. Just thinking of what's happened. And this morning, i had a lecture from Mama Yoda. It hurts because some of it is true. But the part where she said im protecting myself before others and not thinking of others is not true. I try to not to step on people's way, i dont want to make people angry or get them into trouble because of me. But people keep saying that i dont want to be responsible. No, its not that i dont want to be responsible. Its just that i dont know how to handle it. Like what happened two days ago. I finally understood my mistake after Mama Yoda repeated it twice. It finally dawned on me, you know, like the lightbulb that just goes ting!, that yeah, i was being the stupid little girl too scared to be responsible. And it sucks to know that i was so blind and insensitive to my colleague's feelings. And now its bugging me because i might have, unknowingly, done it to my other colleague as well. She should have given me this lecture long ago. Now i feel so,so stupid. No, much worst than stupid but my vocab is limited right now due to all this guilt. Sigh. How do i make up to these people?

And another thing, i received a message from YOU in friendster. YOU who i tried not to remember or associate with 'that incident' because the wound is still very deep. The message made it even worst, its like putting salt on my wound. Im not ready to forget, not ready to forgive, not ready to make any moves. It hurts a lot. The more i think about it, the more i get confused. No, as far as im concerned, that was a black episode in our lives and i dont want to remember it at all. It still hurts very much. Im not going to reply the message. Im sorry for being selfish, i know its like, 3 days to hari raya but i cant pretend everything's fine and dandy and smile at YOU because only God knows how it hurts. Only God knows what really happened and if its true, then that person (whom YOU said did that thing) will have to deal with God, will have to answer to God, not with us. That person will have to seek forgiveness from God. In the end, i dont know what to say or think anymore. i dont even know who's lying or telling the truth.

Its not that i dont miss YOU, its just that circumstances has led to all this loathing and resentment and because this incident caused the person i love most to cry, that made the anger and hatred more important or to put it in a correct term, justifiable. The person whom i spent my whole 20 years with, where i was very close with for 9 whole months, was reduced to tears and looked so lost and helpless. Tell me what else i could do but to instantly nurture all this negative feelings. Because i am only human.

But if you, the person who wrote me the message in friendster, happened to read this blog (i put my blog add at friendster, should take it out later), Im telling you im not ready yet. We might meet during hari raya but i will not know what to say or how to react upon seeing you. I might just pretend you dont exist or i might smile and make small talk, seriously i dont know what i would do. Maybe i would strangle you or stab that person to death. Maybe. Life is too short to be harbouring ill feelings, hatred and animosity sesama insan but, as i've said earlier on, i am only human. Blood is thicker than water, you should know what this means. We'll see what happens when the time comes.

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya to all my muslim friends out there. Semoga Ramadhan tahun ini telah menyedarkan kita tentang kesilapan kita.