Ramadhan's here

Wow, 1st day of ramadhan is on a sunday. And i woke up feeling all sleepy(duh) cos i slept at midnight after watching soccer. Yes, arsenal won 3-0.Hahaha..finally man, henry's got his spirit back. Anyway, it was weird sahur-ing with only mum, ita and dad (i wonder how long he can tahan..) since the other 2 kena tembak earlier on. So sad.

As i lay down on the cold floor of my living room(more like sprawled on the floor), watching tv while mum is trying desperately to pretend not to sleep, i cant help but feel like there is something missing. I can feel the fasting mood in the air, its undescribable, you just feel it, and its lovely. I can see other muslims preparing for the days ahead to Hari Raya. Suria has started to load everything that has to do with Hari Raya on tv.

Where was i again? Oh yeah, i think im missing late grandma again. So much. i know i should move on but its hard to do that when you've known that person and lived in the same house all your life. She was part of my childhood and, to have that part taken away from you, its very heartbreaking. I miss her more during the fasting month, dont know why. alamak, gotta get back to kitchen to help mum prepare the ingredients for break fast later. Ciao

Fuck off.

I cried, after putting down the phone, i cried like a stupid loser. Yes, because everyone is making me feel like a loser. WHY? Why is it always me who's doing the wrong thing? Its always me who never discuss with my team members, its always me who doesnt know stuff, its always me who doesnt organise meeting, ME, ME, ME. Its always my fucking fault. And now i feel like crying again because yeah, its my fault. I can never seem to do anything right kan? Everything i do always turn up like fuck. I always mess things up. And yes, im reduced to tears again. I want to scream out in anger but i cant find the anger. My helplessness has overcomed that anger. I cant scream out fuck you bastard cos i have lost my anger. Fuck.

Can i ask you something? Why does it feel like you are forsaking me? Why does it seem like you have plans for everybody else and you've left me out, like im on the naughty list or something? Why is everything like fuck???Im tired of all this crap. So damn freaking tired. of all the stupid politics, problems, unresolved issues.What have i done to deserve all this fuck? WHY?? Every morning i wake up and i ask myself why? Why do i have to do this? Why God? Why? i dont think i have the patience to go through all this. i want out, of everything.life sucks and apparently, i suck too, apparently i am nothing, a speck of dust seems to get more attention and respect from people than me.

i wish i could just rot and die.i wish a train would run over me, a car, a truck, whatever. i just want to die, that's all i want right now. i hate my job, i hate those people, i hate my life, i hate myself. please, just let a lightning struck me. Maybe all these people will sleep better at night without seeing my stupid face and hearing my stupid voice.

another monday

So here i am again, bored and tired of all this. Wonder why im still here if im not happy. I've thought of it a hundred times, but i just cant bear to let go. This is my comfort zone but the truth is, im still squirming in here, macam cacing kepanasan. The thought of having to face all those crazy people and explain about yourself and stuff all over again just makes me wanna bawl. I just wished someone would tell me straight in my face that i dont have the creativity and the guts to be a designer. Maybe then this nightmare will end. maybe then i could sleep better at night. maybe then its time to start re-evaluating my future and career (HAH! as if). What else is there for me other than interior design? That's what i've been mulling about ever since i graduated. my future seems so bleak. boohoo. and im not nervous at all, in fact im deliriously calm right now. well, that's a sign of denial.

Sometimes, i think i AM stupid, due to all the recent remarks that people have been making behind my back about me not knowing anything. And also it was partly my fault (NOT!) for giving them the vacant look when they asked me something. Hello, what am i suppose to do when i have about almost everyone on site asking me for stuff and wanting resolutions at the same time. Im not a genius ok. I never was and i never will be. Its depressing i tell you. did i spell depress correctly?

Anyway, i just wish that time could stop for awhile. Just for a day. Stop working, stop driving, stop trying to get on other people's nerves, stop drawing, stop telling me to do stuff im not suppose to do, stop asking, stop talking,stop preparing dates for presentation, stop building, stop nagging, stop asking me what time i'll be back. Just stop and think. Maybe the world will be a better place. Maybe lah.

And yeah, i just wanna say that i love my mum. Soo much. Our family is not like other people's family where love is expressed vocally. We find it weird to tell the other person that we love them. Dont know why, but that's just how it goes. Well, i dont know why i have the urgeto write this but, here it is.

To Mak..
I love you mak, even though sometimes you can be abit annoying, actually, super annoying. I love you even though your cooking skills have deteriorated ever since you started working 8 years ago, haha, just kidding. I love you even when you make me do errands which are like from zaman nenek2 dulu. I love you even when you nag at me for spending money like there's no tomorrow cos you do that too right? I love you for the constant and predictable sms'es which goes 'Di, ada kat mana sekarang?' I love you everytime you talk about late granddad and how much he showered me with love cos i never seem to remember him at all. I love you when you talk about late grandma and how it was like living at our first house in Bukit Batok, cos it reminded me of how simple life was back then. I love you everytime you ask me to eat cos you always seem to know when im hungry. I love you when you tell me that eating too much chocolate and nuts will make my face breakout with pimples cos sometimes that doesnt happen,haha. I love you everytime we watch tv and you will go, 'Bile ICS start?Mak nak tengok' even though we've told you for the millionth time that its CSI and that you cant even tahan until 9.30pm. I love you everytime you laugh at my silly and lame jokes, cos it makes me feel like im the funniest person on earth. I love you even though you kept telling me that taking care of me was like hell 18 years ago. I love you when you pour out your feelings to me cos it makes me feel mature. But you know what? I love you the most when we go back home together after work, when we just sit on the bus and enjoy each other's company, without saying a word.

Aww, so emo....God, i hope my sisters wont ever read this.

haizzzz....

Im sick. Head's groggy and my nose is on the verge of going into the 'blocked nose' mode. My throat has been very itchy since after i got back from sentosa. Been coughing like hell and my phlegm almost came out of my nose when i covered my mouth while coughing. Almost. Yep, i know its disgusting. But im sick, i cant be bothered. I want to go home but there's still so much to do. I still havent got round to throwing away all the unwanted stuff in the office. Have i written in here that we're finally moving? I guess not. Mama Yoda has chosen Bayshore as our new office, most probably on the second floor. Am i excited? I AM excited at the idea of having to wake up at 6 plus in the morning to go to work and having to spend almost one hour for the train ride. NOT.

Well, yesterday was my 3rd sis bday. Happy Birthday Frog!! haha. So mak and i went to buy cake (and now im broke) and she bought food from Do & Mi. Yes, all the greasy, oily and fattening stuff. I LOIKE. Man, thats why im coughing like i have TB, its because of all the oil. Anyway, the old man forgot about the bday, again. No surprise lah kan. What else can you expect from a stingy old man? You know, sometimes i feel like strangling his neck and screaming at his face ' WHY DONT YOU GROW UP OLD MAN??!!' But i guess that wont work. I might get jailed for assault and stuff and will be locked up in IMH.

Haiz..im sleepy, i wanna sleeeppp...i neeedd panaddol rightt noww. i needd mak to tell me to eat, take medicine and go to slepp..i needdd grandma to fusss over meee whiile i tossand turn in bed. Yarrr,and sad too sayyy this buut i neeed the old maan to naggg att me to eatt mediccinnneeeeeeeee. ouch, my headdd.

Please, leave me. I dont want you anymore. I dont want to be with you. I dont even want to think of you at all. Why cant you bother someone else? Im so damn tired, of the same old conversation. We keep going in circles. Im back where i started but the only difference is now im tired and frustrated. How many times do i have to say that all is lost between us, lost in the chaos of finding that piece of something. No, dont share your thoughts with me. Its not helping, my troubled soul, my burdened mind, my aching heart. Just stop everything and walk off, maybe it wont hurt so much. Maybe you'll find solace somewhere else. I've stopped looking for the inner sanctum that you have been so eager to find. I cant take it, just let it be. Will you leave me? For sure? Dont come back, its not worth it, i've given up a long time ago. May you find what you're looking for, somewhere else.

I dreamt about a couple of people last night, terrible but lovely at the same time. Kind of like a nightmare as some people in the dream were almost haunting me, stalking and accosting me. These people were scary enough in person, imagine what they were like in my dream. Sheesh, thank god they appeared and went off only for about 5 mins, well, at least according to La La Land time. And then some were friends i havent met for a long time. And then there he was, amidst all the chaos in my wonderland, he came by. Weird. Weird i tell you, the setting of the dream and the conversation was even weirder, makes it seems as though... Hmm... but it was nice to see him, even if its only in my dream.

Anyway, the picnic yesterday was fun but a bit suay since it rained on us, not once, not twice but three times. And third times the charm, since it was a freaking storm (thunder, lightning, big waves crashing to the shore) and we went home after that. We were stranded with a bunch of philipinos and europeans, under the small shelter, which didnt really shelter us from the storm. Haha, what a wet belated birthday surprise for norain. My surprise that menjadi due to the rain. Boohoo, but the cake was delicious. And after we had the cake, we smeared norain with whipped cream, nope, not the whipped cream from the cake, that would be a waste and fruthermore the cake doesnt have cream on top, it was covered in melted chocolate...SIGH, YUMMY!!!!! Wahaha, norain smelled like pastry and then there were puffs of whipped cream floating all over the sea. Nice.

We talked about work. I dont know lah, everyone seems kind of dissatisfied with the job that they have. Everyone seems to be saying that the grass is greener on the other side. I dont know what else to say. We just have to take it as it comes. But sometimes, i just feel like giving up. On everything. I beleive i've made a comment on someone's blog, asking whether death is the only escape. Now when i think back, maybe death is the only escape, IF you discount the fact of judgement day and all that. Death is the only escape from the evil clutches of life. Ahh, whatever lah.

perjuangan harus diteruskan
walaupun aku tersungkur berkali kali
di atas tanah yang mendak dan berlecak

aku tidak tahu bahawa ribut akan melanda
aku tidak tahu bahwa kau pun sedang mencari
sesuatu di atas bukit yang tinggi

Nampaknya tidak terdaya kaki ini melangkah
rupa-rupanya gunung disangka bukit
terduduk aku terkesima

yohoho

I must remind myself not to harbour ill feelings such as spite, vengeance and hatred when im going to sleep. It will only wear me out for the rest of the next day and i will get a splitting headache. To top it all up, i wont feel like my usual self and i'll get very drowsy. But then again, isnt that my usual self?

Work, is taking a toll on me. People expect me to know everything, and some are even rascist towards me, although they havent shown me their true racist attitude yet. Yes, im a malay girl working in a community which is largely dominated by chinese. And just because i say ' I dont know', or 'I have to consult my boss first', it doesnt mean that i am stupid. If i were stupid, i would not be working at all. Well, in actual fact , i AM stupid, stupid to want to be working with you people.

How do you explain to all these people that they are the ones who are bringing you down? I just absolutely hate it when i meet a person for the first time, and they start sizing me up. I know first impressions last, but right now, i dont give a fucking damn arsehole about what you think about me, my IQ or my race. I just want to do my work. I know you, i work with you but it doesnt mean that i like you even when i smile and pretend that i dont know anything.

I dont understand the work politics that you old farts are in. I dont understand why i have to be sucked into this money making wormhole that you guys have made. Am i really a diamond waiting to shine? This i am not sure. How do i trust what they said about me being good and stuff when i dont even believe that i can do it. Am i an under achiever? The more people think im good, the more i will try to prove that they are wrong. If you think i suck, well then, i guess i do. But do i care, yes and no. Yes, because im working for people and this involves reputation and integrity and no because it's just me not to care. But if i dont care, why am i writing about it in the first place? Because its eating up my already tormented and confused soul. Am i naive and foolish to believe that maybe, just maybe, things will turn out fine? Yes, because now, everything seems to be going downhill and im just watching it go down without even bothering to raise an eyebrow.

At times, i feel like i want to retreat to that place, the hard boiled wonderland that murakami invented, which exists only for me, in my mind. Wouldnt it be great to just leave my body, this mould and to go into that world where everything is the same but different. A controlled environment, which my mind subconsciously programs to follow the course of my real life but in a different style, which does not have hatred or death. An unfeeling place where happiness is just a smile and sadness is just a tear rolling down your cheek, nothing more, nothing less. Wouldnt that be better?

Am i in depression? Well, i dont think so, if i was, i would not be blogging at all. I would not be working, i would cut off contact from my friends and the public for that matter. I would be sitting in a dark room, in a corner and staring at the cracks and dust on the wall. That is my definition of depression. Maybe my problem is that im too scared, too lazy, too meek, too 'i dont know', too submissive, too naive, too pessimistic and too much of an introvert. Maybe im just afraid of responsibilites. Maybe im just too eager to be what i've always wanted to be. Nothing.

I guess its your fault for not instilling the drive or the passion into my brain. Never was there any words of encouragement to build up my self confidence, but there were always spiteful comments that made me feel like i was born to be a loser, a reject. I wanted to write you a letter but then i figured, what's the point, since posting it would only make the wound deeper and the resentment that i have towards you will just be greater. Sometimes i wonder, do you have any goals in life? have you thought of what i will be in the future? Do you even give a fucking shit if i turned like what most people are turning into? Am i meant to live in this cycle where i will end up regretful of everything that i've done? I guess everything's your fault. Its not mine. Im just here, just as confused as i was way back in kindergarten. Now, that seemed like eons ago. Do i even remember what it was like 14 years ago?

I cant be bothered to.

wonderland

i never thought that i would be doing this again, but im sculpting with plasticine. It doesnt stink that much but its still yucky. Anyway, i have alot to write about but so little time.

Singapore Idol-
Wow, yesterday's performance was so entertaining. Jonathan was sooo cool, i love it when he sang snow patrol's song. Ahh..i love you , jon. haha. And yeah, i cant believe im saying this but jasmine's performance has really improved. She's really worked hard, when she sang jewel's foolish games, man, i got goosebumps all over. Now if she had said she felt like she was one with the music, i would have trusted her. Her singing is much,much better than when she sang there you'll be. Hady wasn't disappointing either. But Paul, i think he's better singing emo punk.

Steve Irwin-
Its very sad to know that the crazy, boisterous, energetic, wacky and not to mention freaky crocodile hunter has passed away. That guy is so full of life that i still cant believe it. The way people die is weird sometimes, like in this case, ironic because he didnt die of a croc or shark attack but by stingray poison. Condolences to the family. People like the late steve irwin are very hard to find. I'll miss waiting for what he'll do next.

Mr White Rabbit-
As i was walking back that day, we saw a white rabbit hopping towards us. Well, both of us were delighted at that fantastic sight. So, we went to it and i asked..

'What are you doing here Mr White Rabbit? And where are you going at this hour?'

but before i could hold out my hand to touch it, he hopped away leaving me pissed off and her, disappointed. And so i shouted out again..

'Hey, could you at least let us know where you're off to?'

Then after a few hops, he turned around, grinned at us and winked at her. And off he went, hopping up the alley, as if he was late for a conference meeting or something.

And i turned to her and asked..

' Do you know him Alice?

Huh? Alice? Oklah, she's Alice..

Haze-
Me- Eh, someone's overlayed our wonderland with a very large piece of butter paper?
Alice- And?

i didnt know what else to say so we just kept quiet. Sometimes, i feel like strangling Alice, because when she asks a question, she'll force an answer out of me but when i start a conversation, she just ignores me. Some friend you are Alice.

So now we know who the stupid bitch is. me.

DIE YOU BITCH!!!!

I made a mistake at the expense of others, so im not only humiliating myself but the rest too. So now we're all stupid. This is the worst thing that could happen to me. Die, di, die.

S.O.S

Oh God. Just when i thought that things will go ok, another problem surfaced, a very ugly problem involving the mosaic tiles for the servery wall. This is big and when Mama Yoda finds out, she will slaughter me and feed me to the dirty pigeons. Die lah, why me? Why? This means i have to go to the site again tml with my colleague. Its like a freaking sauna by the way. Argh...this project has so many problems, so many details haunting me, please.help.me....

Sometimes you plan how you'd like to die, whether in an accident or sickness or murder. And then, when you think back, hey, you must be really mentally disturbed...

blurp, blurp,blurp

Life has become a tad more interesting for me. I wont dwell on it, too stressful for me. Seems like im the one who has to help them out. Why? I didnt ask to be born the eldest girl in the family. And i jolly well didnt ask for any responsibilities.

And I am slowly losing my faith in you, slowly losing that trust and belief that i had. Why cant you be stronger? Im tired of having to figure out what you want to do. Im so jaded. Every morning, i have to keep asking you whether this is what you really want but you keep avoiding the question. NO, i dont want anymore positive things coming out of your mouth, stop thinking that things will turn out fine!! Don't you understand that this is your life that we're talking about??!! I dont get it, you want to end up like them all??!! I know you're scared, im scared too but sometimes you have to make up your mind and stick with it until the very end, until you are really sure that its wrong and then you make another decision.

I hate it when you say you understand. You dont!! Dont try to be in my shoes, it doesnt feel the same, at all. Im tired of being looked down on, tired of people telling me what to do, when to do and how to do stuff. Im tired of people having high expectations of me and sick of those people who think im nothing. I wish they would all leave me alone. For once, just let me be who i am, please.

But then, who are you?

Some people are just plain rude on the phone. I called up this guy from K co., spoke nicely to him and then his tone changed when i asked if he would like to call my colleague instead, since he's handling the moving around to meet client. And he went, 'im busy, meet up at my office is easier, talking on the phone, might have problems, you might misconstrue what i said, im very busy you know, so you guys should call me instead of me calling you guys up, you understand what im saying? and blah,blah,blah'

I was like, WTF is wrong with you? But of course i cant say that to him lah. I just ehem, and uhuh. Like hello, do i give a fu.., oops, i mean do i give a rat's arse if you're freaking busy. Are you the only F'ing person in the whole wide world who is F'ing busy? The answer is NO. God, so rude, next time i see you in meeting im not even going to smile or look your way you, you, #&$^*.

Hmph, now I'M the one whose gonna be grumpy for the rest of the day, thanks to that bloody asshole. Ahh shoot, im fasting, i should conserve my energy instead of being so pissed off... Ah, whatever man.

La La La

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIIRTHDAY TO SITI NORAIN JELANI

HAPPY BIIRTHHHDAYYY TOOOO YYOOOUUUU!!!!!

Wahaha, i know you wont get to read this Deq, but when you get to, you can laugh all you want. I wish you all the happiness in the world, may you always be surrounded by people you love and stay crazy always.... :)

Anyway, i just met norain yesterday, we walked around Suntec for an hour i think then we went round and round to search for place to eat. We ended up at Fish & Co. I had the new york fish and chips which was freaking BIG and norain had the peri peri prawns. I managed to finish the whole thing, well, except for 3 pieces of fries lah. God, by the time i was 3/4 finished with the fish, my stomach was full and i felt muak. So, i rate it 3 out of 5, cos i dont like how its still moist inside, TOO moist for my liking. And it was cheesy, well, im not a fish and chips person so, yar, not really my type of thing. Should have just gone for the pasta, ooh, now im hungry.

And so after that, we walked out and realised that you can dedicate songs and messages on the fountain of wealth, the message will be flashed and moving on the round thingy. And so...i said to norain that i want to dedicate a birthday wish to her. When we moved to the screen, SHE hogged it and typed everything, except for the birthday wish lah, i typed that. And we waited for awhile, it came out, it was nice. We were laughing at ourselves and norain looked really happy, she said it was sweet even though she typed in almost everything, haha. But they didnt have the song that we wanted, head automatica's beating heart baby, they played U2's song instead, WTF. But

we had fun laughing over stupid things after that. Norain said she was afraid i might type in something stupid. Well, i was tempted to but there was already a queue forming behind us. So i'll just have to do it here...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAYBEH!!! I LAP YOU SOO MUCH!!! BEST BUTTS FOREVER!!! MUACKS!!!

hehehehhehehehe....

I hope, whatever happens, we'll still keep in contact. You're like the twin i never had, Deq. We've gone through some pretty tough times during poly and its comforting to know that we can always turn to each other for support without any judgements made on each other. I guess, in friendship, you should always be sincere and accept your friend for who they are. Its like the quote from Marlon Brando in an old vietnam war movie,

' you can kill me but you can never judge me'

ahh crap

Fuck, im in deep shit. thanks to the nescafe that i gulped down for lunch, i finally realised that im in deep, deep shit. so many unresolved issues and i dont have the boards with me. im gonna be slaughtered on monday. im gonna die. i dont think i can take it. wait, why the fuck am i blogging. so many dwgs to edit, materials to find, arghhh.. why me? why? ok, breathe in, breathe out Di. yes, i can do it, even if i my brains burst into a million yucky pieces/lumps or whatever.STOP BLOGGING YOU IDIOT!!!!!

What are you looking at??

1ST Sept 06, Friday

Yay!!!! Guess who's finally out of Singapore Idol?? Come on, you know it, just say the name.. IT'S THE FREAKING MONKEY!!! Woohoo.. Thank God there is still justice in this world. Maybe his supporters finally digged their ears and really listened to him sing (do you call that singing? More like whining) Anyway, im so glad he's out. Finally, I'll have no trouble sleeping at night. Now, we'll just have to wait till Hady and super-hot-sexy-voice Jonathan to be in top 2. Woohoo.. cant wait for it man. By the way, I wonder what Stevie Wonder would do if he heard that monkey's rendition of his mon cherie (I think) song.. hmm

Anyway, I had that funny thought again when I was on my way to work this morning. I got on the bus and this auntie was staring at me. I gave her a scowl and slumped on the window seat behind her. What if I suddenly go mad and screamed at her face? As in ' WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STARING AT ME FOR??!!DO I FUCKING KNOW YOU?? DO I OWE YOU FUCKING MONEY??!!' And then, what if I go crazy while boarding the train too.. ehehe, I wont elaborate here, it'll be too long but maybe I'll demonstrate to norain later and we'll laugh till our heads crack. But really lah, if you think about it, your mind, your brain is kind of fragile isnt it? One small thing, a stimulus from the outside world, can trigger a reaction that you might or might not expect. Like how does a person go crazy? Something must have triggered the crazy button in their brain and they go insane in an instant. Hmm, am I making sense at all?

So, I finally got to know that Daniel Vosovic from Project Runway season 2 is a gay. And Andrae is gay too, so is Nick, I think. WHY? Why are all the hot and cute guys gay? Nope, nothing against gays at all. It seems that all the cute and creative people nowadays are either gay, old and married, attached or dead. And when boss told me to research on keith haring, I had that feeling that he was gay even before reading his bio. Well, his drawings of line couples in that position had no female in it, so go figure. But he was a really creative person, died of Aids in 1990 I think, I think at the age of 31. But he managed to spread the message of safe sex and awareness of Aids.

Well now, everyone has a reason for being alive and breathing. No matter what we think, we still contribute to the society one way or another. We're living right? When we inhale, we contribute to the intake of oxygen and when we exhale, CO2 and sometimes foul breath is spread to unsuspecting people. And these people get pissed because of your foul breath and then they piss off other people and that cycle continues. And if you stare at people as they board the bus, they might just write about it in their blog and wished they had done something violent to you instead of just scowling back. And may those people who stare at me like im some sort of freak be struck by lighting on the eyeballs.. there, i feel better already.

I wonder sometimes whether i sound like a freak when i talk about her. She's not real but she's here. She's a part of me, well, a part of my mind actually. I cant say she's the evil one because that would mean that im blaming all my bad behaviour to something that is not real and that im an angel. Sadly im not. She is my best friend but most of the time we're enemies, we fight all the time. Hey, that answers everyone's question as to why i frown, scowl and sulk all the time. I was having a conversation with her all this while. So, now i finally understand what carl jung wrote about the mask. I am the mask and the real me is me and her, or is it the other way round?Hmm...... maybe i should get some fresh air.

By the way, the fasting month is in 3 weeks time..yay, and after the whole month of abstaining from food, water and of course cursing (i gotta stop this bad habit), its Hari Raya, the day when i always, always cry even though i know that i havent done anything wrong. What's wrong with me?? I hope dapat sembahyang terawih nanti, but there's always work... haiz..

the reason why you dont want to talk to people is because you're afraid that they might know your weaknesses and use it against you. you are afraid of taking risks, you are afraid of getting hurt, you are afraid that the world might turn its back against you. you are terrified of the fact that they might forget you, you cant stand praises and compliments because you're not sure if they're just being nice or if they're sincere, you dont trust yourself so how do you trust others? you are afraid of letting go of the past and you cant think about the future, you dont want to be stuck here but you're too scared to move. where do you want to go? what do you want to do? are you sure? are you really sure?