What are you looking at??

1ST Sept 06, Friday

Yay!!!! Guess who's finally out of Singapore Idol?? Come on, you know it, just say the name.. IT'S THE FREAKING MONKEY!!! Woohoo.. Thank God there is still justice in this world. Maybe his supporters finally digged their ears and really listened to him sing (do you call that singing? More like whining) Anyway, im so glad he's out. Finally, I'll have no trouble sleeping at night. Now, we'll just have to wait till Hady and super-hot-sexy-voice Jonathan to be in top 2. Woohoo.. cant wait for it man. By the way, I wonder what Stevie Wonder would do if he heard that monkey's rendition of his mon cherie (I think) song.. hmm

Anyway, I had that funny thought again when I was on my way to work this morning. I got on the bus and this auntie was staring at me. I gave her a scowl and slumped on the window seat behind her. What if I suddenly go mad and screamed at her face? As in ' WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STARING AT ME FOR??!!DO I FUCKING KNOW YOU?? DO I OWE YOU FUCKING MONEY??!!' And then, what if I go crazy while boarding the train too.. ehehe, I wont elaborate here, it'll be too long but maybe I'll demonstrate to norain later and we'll laugh till our heads crack. But really lah, if you think about it, your mind, your brain is kind of fragile isnt it? One small thing, a stimulus from the outside world, can trigger a reaction that you might or might not expect. Like how does a person go crazy? Something must have triggered the crazy button in their brain and they go insane in an instant. Hmm, am I making sense at all?

So, I finally got to know that Daniel Vosovic from Project Runway season 2 is a gay. And Andrae is gay too, so is Nick, I think. WHY? Why are all the hot and cute guys gay? Nope, nothing against gays at all. It seems that all the cute and creative people nowadays are either gay, old and married, attached or dead. And when boss told me to research on keith haring, I had that feeling that he was gay even before reading his bio. Well, his drawings of line couples in that position had no female in it, so go figure. But he was a really creative person, died of Aids in 1990 I think, I think at the age of 31. But he managed to spread the message of safe sex and awareness of Aids.

Well now, everyone has a reason for being alive and breathing. No matter what we think, we still contribute to the society one way or another. We're living right? When we inhale, we contribute to the intake of oxygen and when we exhale, CO2 and sometimes foul breath is spread to unsuspecting people. And these people get pissed because of your foul breath and then they piss off other people and that cycle continues. And if you stare at people as they board the bus, they might just write about it in their blog and wished they had done something violent to you instead of just scowling back. And may those people who stare at me like im some sort of freak be struck by lighting on the eyeballs.. there, i feel better already.

I wonder sometimes whether i sound like a freak when i talk about her. She's not real but she's here. She's a part of me, well, a part of my mind actually. I cant say she's the evil one because that would mean that im blaming all my bad behaviour to something that is not real and that im an angel. Sadly im not. She is my best friend but most of the time we're enemies, we fight all the time. Hey, that answers everyone's question as to why i frown, scowl and sulk all the time. I was having a conversation with her all this while. So, now i finally understand what carl jung wrote about the mask. I am the mask and the real me is me and her, or is it the other way round?Hmm...... maybe i should get some fresh air.

By the way, the fasting month is in 3 weeks time..yay, and after the whole month of abstaining from food, water and of course cursing (i gotta stop this bad habit), its Hari Raya, the day when i always, always cry even though i know that i havent done anything wrong. What's wrong with me?? I hope dapat sembahyang terawih nanti, but there's always work... haiz..

the reason why you dont want to talk to people is because you're afraid that they might know your weaknesses and use it against you. you are afraid of taking risks, you are afraid of getting hurt, you are afraid that the world might turn its back against you. you are terrified of the fact that they might forget you, you cant stand praises and compliments because you're not sure if they're just being nice or if they're sincere, you dont trust yourself so how do you trust others? you are afraid of letting go of the past and you cant think about the future, you dont want to be stuck here but you're too scared to move. where do you want to go? what do you want to do? are you sure? are you really sure?