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29 sept, 6 pm, Thursday

I had a haircut. Alone. I would usually ask someone to accompany me but this time, there was no one. It was ok except for the fact that I got the same response every time I want a very short haircut, “No, no cannot. You have natural curl, later your hair will curl, not nice”. God, doesn’t everyone’s hair curl after a haircut? YES. Man, I swear to you, they’ve had a hairdresser cabinet member’s meeting and they’ve come to an agreement that I’m the main target for this kind of ‘natural curl’ excuse. Damn it. And the haircut is a typical one. Haiz, I just have to live with it then, never mind, my hair will grow.

Anyway, went to school to watch marinah and colleen’s crit. That and to meet bapak to tell him about our ideas for the chair. The dude told me that he would be free close to noon but then he came into the studio at around 2 plus. Ooh nice. I would have screamed at him if not for the fact that he gave me 2 cds to listen to. Hehe, I’m a sucker for music. As usual, he brought me Morrissey and the stone roses which he said is classic. I don’t know why he keeps doing this. Is it to make fun of my love towards rock music or is there a deeper philosophical meaning to the songs that he wants me to find out? I guess I’ll never know. But really, I’m glad he lent me his Radiohead cds. Radiohead is soo cool. Oh yar, I finally got to listen to Creep. At last, after 2 long years, I finally get to listen to the song. It’s so beautiful. I think secretly, all of us feel that way too, the need to be special and beautiful. I feel like a weirdo sometimes but how do you really define weird at this point in life when people are eating worms and all that shit in fear factor? So I’m not weird after all. You’re not giving justice to all the weirdo’s in the world by calling me a weirdo. Weirdo’s are cool you know, which I am definitely not.

Anyway, the ideas that adeq and I had for the chair project are to leave imprints on the chair, to cut and assemble the chair so that it looks senget or something. I have to give credit to adeq for coming out with most of the ideas. As usual, she is always full of ideas. Bapak burst our bubble by saying that we won’t win if we carry on with our ideas. Well, realistically, I have to agree with him. Those people judge on how the chair can be marketed and not how arty farty it looks. Anyway, I didn’t count on winning, I joined it to forget about t3 for awhile. Which is impossible because it’s still haunting me.

I have listened to phantom planet’s cd. God, track 6 and 7, which is ‘In our darkest hour’ and ‘Turn, smile shift repeat’, is soooo nice. Track 7 sounds like radiohead’s type of music while track 6 is so weird but catchy. Don’t get me started on Nirvana’s cd. So honest, raw and full of energy is Kurt’s voice. Makes it hard to believe that he’s died. Isn’t it sad to be giving up life so easily when all of us know that life is still beautiful, in spite of all the shit that fucks up our life once in a while? Just think of it, we’ve been given the chance to live, make mistakes, love and die. Don’t you think it makes sense to make our short time living worthwhile? Maybe, Kurt has found it worthwhile, that’s why he’s left. Well, I don’t know, anyway, why am I crapping about life and all? I’ve got lots of work to do. Ciao.

aa

27 sept 6.20 pm, TUES

Lets set the record straight, I am not and I never will be a teachers pet. Lets hope that the two cikus got this message loud and clear (hint, hint, adeq and bro). The crit was so blah, blah, blah. Bapak was there regardless of my silent pleas and telepathic messages which went something like.. ‘No..please..’ Haiz, guess I’m not psychic after all. Damn it. So there I was, in front of everyone with absolutely nothing in my mind. To think that I spent the whole afternoon listening and taking down notes for my fellow mates and not learn something from it. Nice. I kept nodding my head like a fool to what Larry and bapak said, all the while sneaking glances at Lehning who was staring at me. God, it was so freaky, he looked as though he was about to kill me (hehe, I know I’m exaggerating at this point)

I could tell from the pained expression on his face that Larry didnt get what I said. Heck, I didnt either. It was all mambo jumbo, a farce I kept to refrain myself from kneeling on the floor and begging for mercy. Its so humiliating to be presenting a work which was fucked up from the very beginning. And to top it all up, Bapak was there to see me point a gun directly on my temples and fire the last bullet. Im such a disappointment to myself.

Have I written about the incident with Lehning? Well, it was freaky. I think I will just keep it to myself. No one would believe me, you will just say that I was hallucinating. Anyway, I still dont know why I dont like Larry. Maybe its his positivity (like suede song hehe) that makes me want to puke, that and his bloody smile. His smile is the one which you just want slap off his face. Its that mocking smile which says Hi loser. God, its so irritating. I might just end up in jail one day for strangling him. Haha, just imagine me wringing his neck like a maniac, and he will still be smiling eerily. Hahaha.. I will most probably end up in a mental institution for doing that. Hehe, I think Ive had enough of writing, I want to sit in a corner and laugh or sulk over the t3 project. Ciao.

wahhh

Bloody hell of a fuc*ing comp...everything's like shit.

blog again

Why?

Anyway,i've seen GSK.Nice.My fucking brilliant idea might just work out.

By the way,if mum founds out that i've been spewing out curses like a lullaby,she'll definitely wash my mouth with clorox.Ooookaayy..that's something im not looking forward to.

You know what?I thought of doing something just now.Well,it'll be nice if i can smoke when im sooo frustrated.No!!!I'd rather break stuff or scream my freaking head off than resorting to fill my lungs with that vile smoke.

Shut up,di!

Just shut the fuck up..

stuck again

Black star

The troubled words of a troubled mind

I try to understand what is eating you

I try to stay awake but its 58 hours since that I last slept with you

What are we coming to?

I just don't know anymore

Blame it on the black star

Blame it on the falling sky

Blame it on the satellite that beams me home

I get on the train and I just stand about now that I don't think of you

I keep falling over I keep passing out when I see a face like you

What am I coming to?

I'm gonna melt down

(Yeah,im blaming it on the fucking black star.Fuck.Are you reading the troubled words of my troubled mind right now?What do you think?Am i insane or am i just purposely wasting my time. I think i know the answer.)

Creep

When you were here before

Couldn't look you in the eye

You're just like an angel

Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather

In a beautiful world

I wish I was special

You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep

I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice when I'm not around

You're so fucking special

I wish I was special

(Finally,found the lyrics to radiohead's Kid A album. I love internet.Really.Am i the paranoid android?No,the concept went all wrong.Thank you junxian,teng2 and Ct, for bursting the comfort bubble that i was hiding in. Now, to search for another one of my fucking brilliant ideas before GSK come trotting in.Ok,he's in the house.And im sooo scared.Because the truth will be revealed.Im going to die a horrible death.See you guys in fucking hell.Adios amigos.

Dying

I've realised that i have been hibernating, or actually i have been forcing my brain to hibernate. Its beginning to sound pathetic but im succumbing to all this shittiness. Why? No concept and NO, i will not end up like designer guys(i'd like to end up on steven sabados' lap though,hehe)
Anyway, i will not say that im desperate, because im not.

Failed Recollections Of A Fool

i couldn't be everything that you want me to be

i must have tried but i can't quite recall it

i couldn't be everything when there's nothing in me

i must have tried but now i'm tired and empty

where did i leave my head

where did i leave you

when have i ever said

"where did i leave you"

i couldn't be someone that i've never been

i must have tried but then i'm just an imitation

i couldn't be perfect

not when i'm so forgetful can i

i must have denied

all my inklings of madness

you must have seen when the daylight comes in that i'm still blind with unreason

you must have seen clearly you have and now you run from me

away from me

when i couldn't be

i'll never be

where did i leave my head

where did i leave you

when have i ever said

"where did i leave you"

oh i forget

Ok, this is a beeuutiful song by the Observatory.

i'd better do model now.

i'd better get moving

ciao.

beep,beep

So, what's life but a mindless search for your true being, your true self, your soulmate and complete perfection in everything you're doing. Who am i kidding? We're humans, nobody's perfect. And we're insatiable, whether its for food, glory or money. Yes, especially money. Right now, who cares about you if you dont have money? Well, some and i repeat some nice people would. Who cares whether the grey matter in your head is working, is thinking of ways to make the world a better place(yar rite) unless you look good, as in sexy, naughty, bitchy...(picture tata young dancing in the background).
Anyway, the search for concept has left my throat sore and my head heavy, full of unnecessary defiant thoughts and stale daydreams. Im still nowhere adn i have nothing inmy mind and in my stomach. Im hungry. Arrgh...Ciao..

Tuesday again...

So, i pissed my mum and ita yesterday till they did a synchronized slapping on me. Man, i was kind of shocked but then, it didn't hurt at all so...pissed them off again. What exactly did i do to them? Ahh, the usual, poking their arms and legs, at the same spot until they burst out screaming at me to stop being a cuckoo head. Hehe, couldn't help it lah. I was craving for chocolate, real bad.

Anyway, im kind of sleepy right now. Im so full after eating at Mac. Maybe they drugged our salt and pepper. Yawn, i'll try and get some sleep then..Ciao

Blasted comp

Norain adn her cake...too bad it wasnt banana chocolate mousse, i think.
I dont know why aimi has to enter the frame.Dammit...
Ok, i look ridiculous behind the pillar.
Hahaha, my prepaid's value is zero and dayah tried contacting me just now. Well, i have no mood to write much right now.I've just got pictures of the trip to acm and of Norain's birthday last friday. Oh yar, i have to pay them the cake money. Haiz...

Something

I don't know whether to feel happy or pissed off after getting this internet connection. One thing is for sure, im grateful. However, this grateful feeling diminishes every time the computer crashes after about 5 mins of surfing the net. WHY? Why does this happen to me? Maybe God is telling me that i dont deserve it. Maybe dad wasn't really sincere with this internet thingy. Maybe, argh, there's something wrong with this bloody comp lah. And im supposed to know how to fix it. Basket.

Anyway, PQM today was weird. I was shocked to see that SOMEONE was sitting at MY SPOT, which was the 1st seat from the right, on the 2nd row from the back. And it was GSK. Damn, he was about to nag at me for walking across to sit beside him when i said out loud that he was sitting at MY SPOT. Hah, he was like "Sorrylah, i didn't know". Lehning who was standing below at the comp, was smiling at my retort which was very loud because the lect theater wasn't even a quarter full at that time. Then, norain came and before she even had a chance to say anything, GSK told her that she doesn't need to scold him cos someone scolded him a lot just now. So, there we were with GSK, freezing and feeling lost as we weren't at our usual place. The only fun part was watching Lehning role playing as an architect and a designer. He looked like he lost a few screws up there, if you know what i mean.Ehehe...

Intech was BORING. Need i say more? TOD was, as always, full of Larry's anecdotes. That man talks as though he's gonna die if he stops talking. Oh yeah, there were pictures of nude protestors just now. 1 guy was staring at a nude girls' ass and smiling that perverted smile.Sicko. So i guess all of us are now prone to naked people, thanks to Larry and his sucky films. I definitely wouldn't be surprised or shocked if i saw someone stripping naked in public. Really. I just hope that they are not as hairy as the artist that Larry showed us just now. Eww..im gonna have hairy nightmares tonight. Hehehe..

Don't want to talk about design but it's driving me nuts, even though i don't look like im stressed, im actually panicking inside. You don't know the turmoil inside me. Eh, what the hell am i saying? Hmm...im missing someone. Haven't seen that person for a long time. Makes me wonder if that person remembers me. Haiz... klah, gotta let my sisters surf net now. Tomorrow's a big day as we have a surprise for Norain. Hope she likes it. By the way, I WANT TO GO FOR THE KL TRIP, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT TO GO. So, anyone willing to sponsor me? It's only 154 bucks, its not that much. Well, not for the rich assholes anyway!!! Ciao....

Bleah

Bored of life and just sick to death of design. No matter how hard i try to think of a concept or something related to this final year project, i just can't come up with anything. Its like what kant said about art as disinterested delight. Well, it's a bad analogy but it's all that i've got. I'm just not interested anymore,in forcing my brain juices to work.

You know what i really think?

Pure complacency, procrastination and CBB.

Cant Be Bothered!!!

Today's Malaysia's national day. I wonder when they will show the parade on tv... blocking is driving me insane, i've only got 1 and a half layout done and its not approved yet... im gonna die a terrible death this friday cos most probably they're going to have a pin up of the blocking and concepts. Argh... screw the farking concepts!!

Watched House last night. Don't you dare laugh but im beginning to fall in love with that cynical asshole. He thinks he's always right, well, he is right most of the time. I like the fact that he can say anything he wants with a straight face. I cant do that. My face has a mind of its own. I'ts just so used to automatically reacting to situations without waiting for me to think. Sheesh.. i sound as though i have no control over my face.

Time for me to mull over the blocking diagram now. Ciao