Crushed

Haiz.. im so sleepy and to tell you the truth I haven’t completed the dimension of the curves. Its so leceh to look for the centerpoint and all the rest. So I cheated and just did ¾ of it. My details are so simple. I don’t know what else to do. SIGH…

Norain!!! How could you tell everyone?? It was soo embarrassing.. I was blushing like hell seh.. Anyway, we nearly forgot to submit our theory draft. Luckily for us the kepo abel told us to submit it. I guess we got too carried away doing our 2d.. hehe. After I submitted the draft, the old dude came and said that I should have put in pictures. What the hell.. he should have told me earlier that it would be better to have pictures, because it will help him understand all the shit that I wrote. Never mind, I will do that for my essay.

I need to remind myself that I still have Plato’s Symposium, Chipp’s theory of modern Art and Zarathustra to read.. Why the hell did I borrow so many books? Why? And today we’re going to start on the model. SIGH!!! Another disgusting week where the cabinet’s cubby will be full of leftover cardboards, plastic and glue. It will be a gory scene I tell you. It will be the week where norain and I slog all day long and, eating lunch with the right hand and glueing cardboard with the left.. Yucks..

Nietzsche

“You must discover ten truths a day: otherwise you will seek truth in the night too, with your soul still hungry.
You must laugh and be cheerful ten times a day: or your stomach, that father of affliction, will disturb you in the night.”

These are the quotes from Nietzsche’s Zarathustra. It makes perfect sense doesn’t it? It’s happening to us right now. I mean, we can’t sleep knowing that there’s more to our design that we haven’t found. We can’t sleep because we’re so caught up in thinking, in finding the Truth of our design. I’m not sure if I’m phrasing my sentences right, I’m still thinking of my draft. See, I’m still searching for another truth. How to sleep well at night?

Laughing and being cheerful ten times a day? My God, I don’t think I can accomplish that. That’s why I’ve been having stomach cramps at night. Hmm.. but I think I can sleep well tonight because I smiled lot today. I saw Lehning this morning while I was on my way to the studio. He was sooo cute with his jacket, specs and that floppy fringe of his. I was smiling even as I walked into the studio. I even smiled alone while I was doing my draft. I just hope that Sri didn’t notice me grinning by myself (he was sitting at the opposite desk), it will look as though I’ve gone cuckoo. Norain was asking whether he makes my day better. Duh! That smile was so cute, how could I not feel happy, ahh.. I should have taken a picture of him when he was smiling just now. Damn. I missed an opportunity which was just once in a lifetime. Hope to see him again tomorrow.. hehehe.. for your info, I’m still grinning like an asshole right now. Ahh.. so cute..

Don’t mock me just because I like old guys. And don’t ever say that I flirt. This applies to you Norain. Old guys just look charming. For example, Sean Patrick Flannery, Lehning (hehehehe) and one of the ministers in Singapore. I can’t remember his name but he’s half Indian, half Chinese, he’s in charge of sports or something. Marc Anthony and Pierce Brosnan are charming too. Actually there’s more but I can’t remember right now.
Ok, enough of me gushing over old guys. I need to sleep. Just one more quote from Nietzsche which is very interesting.

“What is the greatest thing that you can experience? It is the hour of the great contempt. The hour in which even your happiness grows loathsome to you, and your reason and your virtue also.”

And maybe I'm crazy

but I just can't slow down

And maybe I'm crazy

but at least I'm still around

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

My neck hurts, a lot. My eyes, huh, its stinging man. Right now I’m listening to music full blast on my earphones. Im so pissed off with the dimensioning of the walls, it’s all over the place. It’s such a tedious task to look for the center point, the starting point of the wall and then the angle of it. The best thing is I’ve only done 1/3 of it. Sigh… Music. Yes, this keeps me sane. It not only motivates but inspires me. Yawn, ahh, no mood to write shit lah.. im gonna listen to some melancholic song cos im getting pissed off again.. Ciao.

Down

Sigh, I cant believe that I agreed to go to the stupid furniture talk thingy. It costs ten bucks and I think the rest of the cabinet members are not going. So its only me and norain. Damn it, the old dude looked so pathetic and desperate. If it bores me to death, the first person that I strangle will not be the speaker but the old dude himself.

Im having difficulty writing the draft. I know what I want to write but I just cant seem to get the right words on paper. Its so tough. And I haven’t even started thinking of what to write for Mies yet. Man, I’ve got no mood to do work today. I just want to sleep all day. Haiz, I feel like a sloth.

Down-Blink 182
The drops of rain they fall all over

This awkward silence makes me crazy

The glow inside burns light upon her

I'll try to kiss you if you let me

[this can't be the end]

Tidal waves they rip right through me

Tears from eyes worn cold and sad

Pick me up now, I need you so bad

Down down down down

Down down down down

It gets me so

Down down down down

Down down down down

It gets me so

Your vows of silence fall all over

The look in your eyes makes me crazy

I feel the darkness break upon her

I'll take you over if you let me

[You did this]

Tidal waves they rip right through me

Tears from eyes worn cold and sad

Pick me up now, I need you so bad.

Down down down down

Down down down down

It gets me so

Down down down down

Down down down down

It gets me so

5pm
I wish I could write beautiful lyrics. But I just don’t have the talent to do so. I guess you can’t force yourself to be something you’re not. Maybe, my expectations for myself are high. But I can’t help it if I keep dreaming of making it big some day. I can’t help it if I dream of being a journalist, writing about design or music for some newspaper or magazine. But really, who am I kidding? To top it all off my Malay is getting bad. It’s getting atrocious as I can’t seem to translate things from English to Malay as easily as I used to when I was in secondary school. I shudder at the thought of forgetting my own mother tongue language. Imagine me, not being able to speak in Malay anymore. Ok, I’m exaggerating, I’m getting paranoid and it’s getting hot in here.

Maybe reading Zarathustra will make me feel better?

Or should I continue my 2nd reading of Bellmer?

Should I do the dimensioning of my walls?

Hey, I’ve got a great idea. I should just watch tv or sleep and continue all this shit at night. And I don’t care if my bitchy 2nd sister gets pissed off. Who’s the elder sister anyway?

11pm
Man, I feel like shit. I feel stupid. I feel like nothing. Ok, im into my pissed off mode right now. Agh!!! Fu*k this stupid thing!!!! Ok, im going to scratch out profanities on my paper later and then tear it into small pieces before stepping on it and cursing out loud.. DAMN YOU FU*KIN’ RETAIL PROJECT!!! Now I feel like crying.. WHY ME??!! WHY??!!

clueless

Just another face in the crowd
Waiting
Patiently
Im slowly losing my mind
Withdrawing
Within me
That scream from somewhere
Where?
Inside?
Look at me
Look at me!!!
Can’t you see me?!

If I make it as a designer, the first thing I would do is to design a toilet cum study room. Not only will there be a toilet roll, there will also be a butter paper roll and a small shelve for stationery. There will be a desk that can be stored away by flipping it to the side and yes, a space for a laptop. This idea may sound ridiculous and absurd to you but it’s a brilliant idea to me. Why? The toilet is my source of inspiration. If norain says im her muse (which I don’t think its true), then the toilet is my definitely muse.. If it weren’t for the drawings and the text that I have to read, I would have definitely spent longer time thinking in the toilet. Wonderful poems and ideas were popping into my mind but as soon as I step out of the toilet, everything gets flushed away.. and I meant my ideas ok.. sheesh, you guys are disgusting.

Anyway, im having a hell of a time reading the text that the old dude gave me. “Representation and Sexuality”, nothing erotic about it other than the fact that the words subjectivity, masculine and feminine kept being reiterated in the text. My brain just cant seem to make sense of the long sentences, and I cant believe that there is such a word as complementarity. Such big words for a small person like me. I feel like dumping the text and not finishing it but that’s a cowardly deed. You should always finish what you start even though it bores you to death. No wonder the old dude always have long sentences in his brief. He has long since exposed himself to the overbearing theorists and philosophers who wants to explain everything in one sentence and that sentence has to be full of big words which seem to mean other stuff. Ok, that was just an example of how long a long sentence could be. Hehehe.. yes, yes, lame..

So does anybody know how to start the theory draft? Im clueless man. Really, for once I do not know what to write. Im really losing the writing spirit (as though I had one in the first place yar?). Haiz, fine, I’ll try to finish reading the text. Maybe after that I will get inspiration and then I will embark on a dangerous mission to fulfill the 1000 word quota for the theory draft without going insane. Don’t even dare to think that im insane right now. I mean it. Ciao..

feelin soo lazy

Haha..the schedule for this last 5 weeks of yr 2 is so cute.Why?!Because its bloody packed that's why!!Im gonna die of exhaustion,anxiety and not to mention gastric.Yesterday was like hell.I was practically rolling on the floor(well,the bed actually) because the gastric juices in my stomach were eating up my...stomachlah...God,it was so painful.Felt like screaming but all i could do was to scrunch myself up on the bed and i eventually fell asleep.

So,i talked to the old dude just now.Said that i've got lots of details to do and just gave me an idea on the seats for my project.Now im psyched to design some more.I think im gonna have fun doing the details.Yar rite...

This is another beautiful song.Doug robb is so irritatingly cute.The only turn off is that his goatee or stubble i think,reminds me of junxian...damn...

Disappear-hoobastank

There's a pain that sleeps inside
It sleeps with just one eye
And awakens the moment that you're near
Though I try to look away
The pain it still remains
Only leaving when you're next to me

Do you know,
that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away
So can you come and make them disappear
Make them disappear and we can stay

So I stand and look around
Distracted by the sounds
Of everyone and everything I see
And I search through every face
Without a single trace,
of the person
The person that I need

Do you know,
that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away
So can you come and make them disappear
Make them disappear and we can stay

Can you make them disappear?
Make them disappear

There's a pain that sleeps inside
Sleeps with just one eye
And awakens,
the moment that you're near
And I search through every face
Without a single trace,
of the person
The person that I need

Do you know, that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away
So can you come and make them disappear
Make them disappear and we can stay

the bad one

Yes. I know. Im THE BAD ONE. Im rude, crassy and insensitive to other peoples feelings. I have bad habits. Loads of it. I can never forget my bad habits because everyone keeps reminding me of it every single minute of my life.

5 BAD HABITS OF DIANA.R
1. Shouts, a lot
2. Curses, a lot
3. Whines, a lot
4. Corrects peoples mistakes, a lot
5. Gets pissed off, a lot

So, to you guys out there, even those who dont know me, you are cordially invited to add to this list. Add more so that I can rename the list to “101 Bad Habits of Diana.R”. Feel free to point out my bad habits as nobody will get hurt. Hey, I can even make a book out of it.

Im not mad or pissed right now. In fact, im happy that I got it off my chest. Im always ready to admit that im bad. Never mind the dangerous look on my face when you point my bad habits to me because it takes a while for the mind to register a comment.

So, do you think that im going to say that I don’t care? Hmm.. being a person who is famous for being insensitive, I think you’d have figured the answer for yourself.

The point of this blog entry is not about me dissing myself in the net. Im not trying to be sarcastic here. Im just pointing out the truth. The point is ‘Do you dare to admit your own mistakes and bad habits AND feel happy about it, no bad feelings whatsoever’ I just admitted mine. No bad feelings towards anyone and I dont feel pissed off. I just feel very tired. How long do you think I can keep putting up with these relentless bad-habits pointing? The weird thing is, im the only one with bad habits. Maybe my upbringing is not good or high class enough yar?

So in conclusion, im not wrong to say that life is a never-ending critique session. You get comments from strangers, lecturers, friends and even your parents (well, especially your parents). Oh yes, don’t forget to add to the list. Ciao.

aftermath

I just finished watching The Beatles anthology. It was nice but quite sad at the same time. Without John Lennon, the group wasn’t complete. Even though I don’t really know The Beatles that well and im not a fan, I find their music liberating and fresh. You should know by now that my favourite song is Michelle.. hehe. I feel that The Beatles music is so unique and there’s this certain aura surrounding it. Yeah, yeah, you will be saying ‘whatever’ right now..
I cant believe it but my shoulders are sun burnt. I forgot to put on sun screen lotion at the shoulder area where I pulled up my sleeve. Now its red, its so itchy and it has a burning sensation. This sucks but the picnic at Sentosa was fun. Too bad my legs didn’t tan. The sea was blueish green, the sun was shining brightly, the breeze was blowing at our faces and it was so beautiful. I could have just sat under a tree and wrote a poem. We set up the tent and we started eating the nasi sambal goreng that my aunt cooked for us. Then we quickly changed and jumped into the sea. It was so cold and refreshing. I don’t know why but I kept bending my fingers at the water’s edge as though it’s the edge of a cupboard or something solid. I felt so liberated and inspired. Kept speaking in chim malay to my cousins until they didn’t know what to say. They just went ‘Wah, da dapat inspirasi pat laut?’ Hehe..
Went to school’s library just now. Asked Marinah whether she was going and she didn’t reply. I was reading Libeskind’s Radix Matrix when she replied that she just woke up. Haha, my prediction was true. As I was busy reading the book, I happened to see a pair of boots that looked so familiar. Guess who? It was the old dude, standing in front of the sign. I was shocked at first and contemplated whether or not I should call him. Actually, I was scared that if I called and its not him, it would be soo embarrassing. But when I check the new hairdo and the boots, it was definitely him. So I was like, “Mr Faris” in a very unsure tone. I guess he was so shocked to see me that he took a couple of steps back. The look on his face was so funny that I had to refrain myself from bursting out with laughter. Hahaha.. really man, I guess it’s a once in a lifetime thing to see the old dude who is usually composed, getting shocked. Hahaha, I cant stop laughing now. Its really hilarious, he looked like a frail old man who just saw a ghost. Hehehe..
Anyway, with the hong bao money that my mum’s boss gave, I went to Popular and bought pens and a file. It might sound like nothing to you but for me, its like a blessing? No, that’s not the right word. I forgot the word but I felt so organized when I bought those stuff. Its like, ‘ok, I bought new stationery. Now im ready to face the world,
(which are actually the notes and books)’. Hehe, lame but that’s the feeling I get everytime I buy stationery.
I had a weird dream this morning. I was running through a dark cave-like walkway. There was magic and I guess I broke the rule or something. I didn’t get punished but the judge or whoever that’s in charge proclaimed something. Everyone got pissed and it was all because of me. Then we walked down a narrow spiral staircase which seemed to be alive. It kept enlarging and then shrinking. When we reached the bottom of the stairs, we were at a big old library. It was somewhere between Harry Potter’s library and Junxian’s Penguin retail space. There were loads of books but I couldn’t stop walking because there was something important that we had to do. So we walked into another dark, cave-like walkway. I couldn’t see who was walking in front, only the shadows were visible. Then at the next moment we were outside. It was an
almost barren countryside. I think there was a farm. The scenery was like Steven Holl’s project. I cant remember anything else, just that the colours that I saw were mostly brownish and dark yellowish.
Hmm.. so whats the significance of the dream? I have no idea. Hey, im supposed to do the details for the retail space, why the hell am I blogging? Damn it, I think I’ll detail at night lah. Ciao..

blah...

Alone at home, listening to Radiohead and trying to write a poem. The only thing that is stopping me is the notes on Mies and Bellmer and my display zone. The worst thing is, im left with only a few pieces of butter paper. This is pathetic man. Whats the point of having a holiday if im still consumed by the thoughts of school. Maybe its because of the stupid tummy ache that im having right now, which makes me go cuckoo. I feel like eating but I will definitely want to puke after that. I feel like a pig man. I feel that im gaining weight, a lot if you ask me. I feel so fat. Argh.. how do I get rid of the excess fat??? This is so frustrating.
Its too bad that I dont have Ashlee simpsons cd. If not, I would have played it on the radio out loud and danced around to it. I dont care what people say about Ashlee. She has got the spunk and she is so cool. So buzz off if you think she sucks!! Anyway, we are going to Sentosa tomorrow for a picnic. The sad thing is there will only be 6 of us. My two cousins and their mum and my two sisters and me. Yes, yes, I know its pathetic but I hope there will be lots of food. Damn it, Di! Stop talking about food!
Anyway, I think I better get started on my Theory draft and on the details for my retail space. But im going to watch Phua Chu Kang right now.. hehe..Ciao.

bloody spinnovex

I woke up about 10 minutes ago, which was around 3.30am, contemplated on whats happened, got pissed and then I got sad. I was thinking of how my jaw still hurts because of all the talking and smiling, trying to promote DID to the secondary school students. Remembered the stupid replies or rather reactions that I got from those insensitive jerks or bitches who just brushed me off like im some kind of volunteer asking for donations. I got pissed because of what my dad said last night. I was home late last night because of the bloody certificate which I didnt have to take. Wasted my bloody fuc*ing 2 hours in there waiting and they never called. Remind me to blast at the old dude for wasting my time there. Anyway, I just started eating dinner, tired and sleepy, when my dad came and exclaimed (out loud in front of my mum and sisters), “You said that you were coming home at 6, why not come home at 8 itself?” I was like, tired and pissed off with the spinnovex and there he was being sarcastic to me?! If my mum wasn’t there, I would have fuc*ing screamed at him for being a jerk. I told him that I was COMING HOME LATE AS THE PRIZE GIVING STARTS AT 6PM. That’s what I said and im not that old to forget. I mean, whats his problem man?!
In a week, there will be like 2 or 3 instances where he will find fault with me. “The rice is too hard lah”, “The floor you swept is still dusty lah”, this lah, that lah.. My patience is running thin. I don’t know what my dad has against me but he is slowly driving me out of the house. What I’ve been doing is never good enough for him. For example, my O level results, I passed and got 17 but he said “how come you only got an A1 for malay and the rest are Bs and Cs?” I was so sad. Didn’t he realize that I got a freaking B3 for my maths?! It seems as though im the bad one, the lazy one and the one who sucks his and mum’s money all the time. Mum, mum never seems to understand that im not being rude to dad but im defending myself. She will always say that I shouldn’t talk back but whats the point of having a mouth and a voice when you cant use it to defend yourself?!
Both my parents are bias. I remembered what they said to an uncle of mine. They said that he shouldn’t be insulting his son too much or the son might just leave the house one day. Hey, that’s what they are doing to me right now. Fancy advising others when they don’t even know that they are making the same mistake. Insulting my capabilities and making fun of what I love to do most is their job. Their main objective in life is to keep demoralizing me and to get me out of the house before I get hitched. Just because im a girl, it doesn’t mean that my standards are lower than a guy’s. I never asked to be born as a girl and I never asked to be born the eldest. One day, I will really walk out of this house and they will never see me again. This is the thanks I get for being obedient all this while. For studying like hell when the influence of slacking was so tempting. For not going out on weekends with my friends because “I need to cook and look after my sisters”. I wish my grandma was still alive. At least she would be defending me. Really wished she was here to listen to my problems.
Maybe if I was a guy, my parents wont be so controlling and their expectations wont be so high but hey, whether im a guy or a girl, im still human. Ive got feelings and pride just like them!! Why cant they understand that im trying to make them proud of me. Nothing I do is ever right or good. Its like a crit session but this goes on for the rest of my pathetic life. They will always find a loophole and they will always pin my mistakes down. I will never be an A student to them. I will always be the rebel and the delinquent. Maybe I should just give up yar?!
They never seem to understand that I love designing (even though I always say I hate it). This is my calling. This is my passion. I feel like im in another realm when I design. Nothing else matters when I sit in front of my butter paper to sketch. Its only me, the pencil, the paper and God. Yeah, yeah, I know its lame but its like what Bellmer said. The hunger, fatigue and problems just lose their actuality. It becomes absent from my consciousness. I know its too early to be saying all this but my gut feeling says that design is the only career for me. I don’t care if in the end, im stuck at some dingy stall at bugis, selling the t-shirts that I designed. At least Im enjoying myself.
Mum disapproves of me thinking of studying at a university overseas. I don’t know why she keeps doing this to me. I want the freedom to learn and to travel. Is it too much to ask for? Is it wrong to dream? Cant she be happy that im still studying. At least im not sniffing glue or smoking pot in a dark corner in geylang. Sigh.. ok, I want to sleep before I get more pissed and dejected.. Ciao.

Woohoo...

Woohoo...my crit was just over!!!Thank God i didn't prepare what to say.Why? I'll be stuttering and i'll defifnitely lose the line,i cant concentrate with a script. Anyway,that ling hao sure does know how to push it. I know that i made mistakes but he doesn't have to keep rubbing it in right? Klah,i'll write in more later,need to see what the rest have done...Ciao