bloody spinnovex

I woke up about 10 minutes ago, which was around 3.30am, contemplated on whats happened, got pissed and then I got sad. I was thinking of how my jaw still hurts because of all the talking and smiling, trying to promote DID to the secondary school students. Remembered the stupid replies or rather reactions that I got from those insensitive jerks or bitches who just brushed me off like im some kind of volunteer asking for donations. I got pissed because of what my dad said last night. I was home late last night because of the bloody certificate which I didnt have to take. Wasted my bloody fuc*ing 2 hours in there waiting and they never called. Remind me to blast at the old dude for wasting my time there. Anyway, I just started eating dinner, tired and sleepy, when my dad came and exclaimed (out loud in front of my mum and sisters), “You said that you were coming home at 6, why not come home at 8 itself?” I was like, tired and pissed off with the spinnovex and there he was being sarcastic to me?! If my mum wasn’t there, I would have fuc*ing screamed at him for being a jerk. I told him that I was COMING HOME LATE AS THE PRIZE GIVING STARTS AT 6PM. That’s what I said and im not that old to forget. I mean, whats his problem man?!
In a week, there will be like 2 or 3 instances where he will find fault with me. “The rice is too hard lah”, “The floor you swept is still dusty lah”, this lah, that lah.. My patience is running thin. I don’t know what my dad has against me but he is slowly driving me out of the house. What I’ve been doing is never good enough for him. For example, my O level results, I passed and got 17 but he said “how come you only got an A1 for malay and the rest are Bs and Cs?” I was so sad. Didn’t he realize that I got a freaking B3 for my maths?! It seems as though im the bad one, the lazy one and the one who sucks his and mum’s money all the time. Mum, mum never seems to understand that im not being rude to dad but im defending myself. She will always say that I shouldn’t talk back but whats the point of having a mouth and a voice when you cant use it to defend yourself?!
Both my parents are bias. I remembered what they said to an uncle of mine. They said that he shouldn’t be insulting his son too much or the son might just leave the house one day. Hey, that’s what they are doing to me right now. Fancy advising others when they don’t even know that they are making the same mistake. Insulting my capabilities and making fun of what I love to do most is their job. Their main objective in life is to keep demoralizing me and to get me out of the house before I get hitched. Just because im a girl, it doesn’t mean that my standards are lower than a guy’s. I never asked to be born as a girl and I never asked to be born the eldest. One day, I will really walk out of this house and they will never see me again. This is the thanks I get for being obedient all this while. For studying like hell when the influence of slacking was so tempting. For not going out on weekends with my friends because “I need to cook and look after my sisters”. I wish my grandma was still alive. At least she would be defending me. Really wished she was here to listen to my problems.
Maybe if I was a guy, my parents wont be so controlling and their expectations wont be so high but hey, whether im a guy or a girl, im still human. Ive got feelings and pride just like them!! Why cant they understand that im trying to make them proud of me. Nothing I do is ever right or good. Its like a crit session but this goes on for the rest of my pathetic life. They will always find a loophole and they will always pin my mistakes down. I will never be an A student to them. I will always be the rebel and the delinquent. Maybe I should just give up yar?!
They never seem to understand that I love designing (even though I always say I hate it). This is my calling. This is my passion. I feel like im in another realm when I design. Nothing else matters when I sit in front of my butter paper to sketch. Its only me, the pencil, the paper and God. Yeah, yeah, I know its lame but its like what Bellmer said. The hunger, fatigue and problems just lose their actuality. It becomes absent from my consciousness. I know its too early to be saying all this but my gut feeling says that design is the only career for me. I don’t care if in the end, im stuck at some dingy stall at bugis, selling the t-shirts that I designed. At least Im enjoying myself.
Mum disapproves of me thinking of studying at a university overseas. I don’t know why she keeps doing this to me. I want the freedom to learn and to travel. Is it too much to ask for? Is it wrong to dream? Cant she be happy that im still studying. At least im not sniffing glue or smoking pot in a dark corner in geylang. Sigh.. ok, I want to sleep before I get more pissed and dejected.. Ciao.