Cuckoo..

SIGH.. Im so exhausted. Im still feeling dizzy, I thought it would be gone after I eat dinner but its still the same. Every thing feels like its spinning, I feel as though im on a boat on the sea, floating up and down, up and down.. When I close my eyes, feels like everything else isn’t real, feels like a nightmare. Am I dreaming? Wish I knew how to paint so that I can paint this feeling, damn, I feel like im hallucinating. My thoughts are so loud, its getting unbearable man. Am I blabbering nonsense? I guess so. I cant seem to control my fingers, they are trembling. Ok, only my right hand feels weird, its so light and I cant really feel the pain when I pinch myself. Ok, the voice inside my head is really disturbing, its keeps echoing. It wont stop, damn it. And this chair is really burning my ass. I cant concentrate on my plans. Can I sleep? No, I cant! I must not succumb to this, this desire! Can I take a short nap then? No!!
Im doing my lighting in 3d right now, this thing is so spastic man. I just cant get the lighting right. I think I have to arrange the lights in plan first before doing it in 3d, but, wait that doesnt sound right. I cant render viz at school because the stupid viz cant even be opened. Stupid bloody viz.. Aww man, I really feel like sleeping even though its only 12.50.
Finally, its 2 am, still cant get my lighting right. Ok, fine, I should be continueing on my ceiling plan but its so leceh lah. Im still confused. I need to see other people’s works before doing mine. Nanti norain cakap aku bengap pulak sebab tak paham2 explanation die. Fine, alright, I will do it and then ask the old dude if its correct. Hey, theres no need to nag right? I know time is running out but im only human dude. Im exhausted and im beginning to hear things. Im having a monologue right now, in case youre wondering who the hell im scolding. I think im spacing out.. Hmm, too bad I cant silence the voice inside my head, its really irritating to be hearing your own thoughts. Im thinking of humming so that I will only hear the sound but I can still hear my thoughts wandering off. Shut up Di!! My god, I cant stop talking even in my thoughts. I cant even space out for like 1 minute.
Hmm.. im going crazy, im losing my mind.. im pestering norain by sms ing her and forcing her to reply. I need someone to talk to..
Ok, its 3 am now, eh, why the hell am I counting down the hours? Stupid right?! Woi idiot, do your ceiling plan lah!!!

I wonder what Chester is doing right now..

When will the old dude borrow Bellmer’s book for me?

Do I want to eat lunch tomorrow?

I think Van Persie’s ass is hotter than Fabregas’.. Hmmm..

Hater

Don’t you just hate those people who think they are the superior beings? I really hate it. I really loathe these kind of people, lets just call them the ‘ass souls’. These souls act as though they are better than you and that you can never beat them. There are two categories of these souls, the ‘show off asses’ and the ‘quiet asses’. The category of souls that is most dangerous and who you really have to watch out for are actually the ‘quiet asses’. Why? Well, you can clearly see the ‘show off asses’ as they practically ignore you or look at you as though you are a 1mm thick bacterium or atom, well, something like that lah. But the ‘quiet asses’, woah.. they act as though they’re nice and all that shit when in reality, in their thick, dirty, conniving mind, they feel,well they proclaim that they are superior to you.
The way they react to what you say or do might seem natural but you really have to look and listen hard. The key is to observe the way they talk and reply your questions. Some might reply your question in a joking manner but in reality, they’re just insulting you. You can just sense the tone of..how do I say it, oh yeah, the downgrading tone. Ok, this might not be the correct term, im so pissed off right now that I cant think well. Oh yeah, don’t forget to look out for the questions that they ask you. They might seem to be asking just out of curiosity but really, why are you being so thick?, they just want to know your progress so that they can laugh at you behind your back. But before doing that they will say something like this ‘oh…im already at this stage.. you’re still stuck there.. try harder then’ Hah, they sound sympathetic but they are gloating inside. Gloating and laughing that evil laugh and looking at you with that sneer or that sadistic grin on their faces, wait, I cant say faces because they’ve got a thick wad of masks behind their real face.
The ‘quiet asses’ also act as though they’re trying to help you but please lah, they want to know how clever, I mean, how stupid you are so that they can teach you a bit and you’ll keep going back to them for help. Then they will control what you want to do, where you want to go and what you feel. Don’t bother suggesting stuff to them, they will just say that you’ve got the wrong info or that you didn’t listen in class. Hah!!
Call me a paranoid but if you’ve encountered these assses, then you will know what I mean. Some of them are your so called friends and in some cases your cousins. I’d prefer the ‘show off asses’ to the other type of asses as they are more truthful. So, have fun figuring out which category of asses your friends are. As for me, im not sure which category im in. I might just be in the ‘quiet asses’ category. So, im hating myself I suppose. In that case, fu*k you Di. There, I feel better already.
Want to know something, I wish that I could lace every thing im saying with all the curse words. So that I can get this pissed off feeling away from me, from my mind. But no, some superior beings cum ass souls cant stand me and the noise I make as I curse my fu*king head off. Hey, are they so daft as to think that the abusives are for them? I mean, its as though they have never cursed anyone before(so innocent and cultured yar.. NOT!!) and so they have to cringe every time I scream the bloody fu*k word. Ugh, then they will either go, ‘profane, profane’ or they will give me the pissed off/ flabbergasted face. Its as though they’re still stuck in the fu*king 18th century. No offense to the 18th century people. My goodness, it’s a god damn free country and I cant curse? I.CANT.FU*KING.CURSE.AT.MYSELF??!! Does it mean that im rude, crass and all the other negative stuff when I curse out loud. Does it mean that im not the oh-so-superior Modern man when I curse out loud? Oh yeah, some people even laughed at me when I curse. Ahh, fine, I want to see you laughing your head off after I fu*king curse you!! Assholes.
Anyway, I watched a documentary on Goya yesterday night. Robert Hughes was the host and as usual he talks in a droning voice. It was so difficult trying to stay awake but it was worth it. I got to see his paintings that were so dark, I mean the meaning was dark. It was about witchcraft, religion and the usual, naked women or prostitutes. He was like Munch. He got cuckoo. He got deaf(Munch got blind I think) and kept hearing voices, seeing things and some other stuff that I cant remember. His etchings I think, look so real, especially the ones on the war. The host says that its not clear if he saw the gory scenes as he was in an asylum or something, he might have been imagining it but the paintings were so real. Scenes of men being chopped off and women being raped. But the one that I remembered so vividly was the Spaniard who was about to be executed by the French.
This guy stood in the middle of the painting in a white shirt, a white clean shirt while the rest (his fellow Spaniards) are bloodied, torn and dead. The French guy was holding a bayonet towards him and this Spaniard was looking at him with the look of indifference or something like that. He looked like he didn’t care if he died as he knew that he had served his purpose in life which was to defend his native land. Sigh, I wish I could be crazy like Goya, Munch and all the other artists. Imagine living in a world where what people think doesn’t matter to you. Your days and nights are spent trying to perfect your art, trying to achieve the essence of your subject. Your art is the air that you breathe, the food that you eat, the only thing that you think about . Your art is your life. Imagine that, to be so consumed with your work until you feel that the days are no different from the nights. Imagine trying so hard to show the truth to everyone, so that maybe they will stop all the war and shit all around you. Imagine trying to change the way people think through your art. Sigh, well, I’ll imagine these stuff later. The submission is like, next week and I cant afford to lose time by sitting and staring off into space, imagining that I can change the world. Ciao.

Only One

"Only One"

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out
and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go,
there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only,
my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out
and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only,
my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out
and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only,
my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only,
my only one

Yes,finally got the lyrics from Norain...lovely song...wish someone will sing it to me... im having a really bad headache right now...and i can only see the old dude after 30 mins... the thing is,will i still be breathing after 30 mins... i have no idea...i feel like a black cloud is gathering in my mind, its clouding my thoughts and i cant think well right now...fine..i'll...just...listen to radiohead and......fade....away...

Now the old dude says that he can see me at 1215...bloody hell seh...im like soo damn tired...anyway i got this from saiyuki's fan fiction....nice huh?

The noble human being does not sin, the profound poet wants to tell us: though every law, every natural order, even the moral world may perish through his actions, his actions also produce a higher magical circle of effects which found a new world on the ruins of the old one that has been overthrown.- Nietzsche in “The Birth of Tragedy”

Shit..

Sigh..felt like shit yesterday.. Felt like dying. No idea why. Felt like everything that’s happening right now is shit. My head was muddled and I couldn’t think properly. There was a fu*king black cloud in my mind. Pissed over a lot of things and couldn’t stand the sight of the butter papers. I messed up my table and Norain’s too. Just imagine, ME, a neat freak, having butter papers all over my table. Couldn’t be bothered to arrange the papers in an orderly fashion, Norain will know what I mean by this.
It was also so damn cold even though I opened the bloody window. Waited for the old dude then he said he can see me at around 12 plus. Darah naik seh. Then I got so engrossed that I didn’t even realize that he came. How can I not realize that the old dude was there? It’s all because of the bloody plans. I hate it so much that I feel like tearing it up. Was drawing out the levels on butter paper and I was so close to it that I might just end up drawing with my nose. Well, I’m exaggerating at this point, hehe. Anyway, you might be wondering why im so pissed with my design. Hmm.. All I can say is, im staying focused on being pissed off with everything. I love this feeling. Actually I don’t like being pissed but.. let’s change the subject.
Now I remember what I felt yesterday. Yes, I wanted to..how do I say it.. be devoid of any feelings. Sometimes I just hate myself for doing things that are so stupid. Cant give you any examples right now, there’s just too much. Desire, I hate it. I hate this word. Desire in terms of wanting that shoe, that bag, that ice cream (ok, bad example) and etc,etc,etc. Yes, being materialistic. I feel like slapping myself in the face when I say I want that shoe or I want that haircut. Guilty, no idea but it feels like I’ve sinned when I expressed the desire. It’s almost the same as admitting that im being greedy and ungrateful for what God has given me. Heh, you must be thinking that im going loco right? That’s fine with me. Everyone’s been labeling me mad or crazy. But I love the term Pisser. Haha.. I think I’ll tuck in right now. Im so damn tired of staring at the comp screen, and not to forget the bloody butter papers.

Again

Hey, Im so sleepy but I cant go to sleep. Have to finish my drawings, sigh, have to give the freaking dimension and radii of my f*cking retail space. This is boring man.. Anyway, I just cant get the tune of Only One by Yellow Card out of my head. It is so beautiful. Really.

Here I go
Scream my lungs out
Trying to get to you
You are my only one

Ok, I can remember this bit but, really.. its so beautiful. Ok, something is very wrong with me, I have been saying nice things lately. What the hell.. I think im turning into a sweet person.. NO!!!! Damn it, I think I will listen to LP to get into my normal pissed off, sulky self again. I will never be sweet.. Never.. So wish me luck later, theres gonna be a pin up thingy (again,*#%@^%$), ciao..

Blah...

I cant help but wonder about racism, which is apparent in the studio. Im not about to dwell on it right now because you will say that im being over-sensitive over small things. But small things matter to a small individual like me. I have had enough of just observing the biasness and injustice all around me but as I said earlier, im not going to talk about it. I don’t want to be pissed over something that is inevitable.
So, the 5th issue was given to the old dude by our ally, Sabrina. Haha..the picture by Paul Klee really does look like him. Trust Norain to see the resemblance.. Ehem, ehem..
Norain, you know what I mean.. Hahaha. Anyway, I couldnt make the issue more insulting because I had insulted the old dude lots of time and it would be stupid to put the insults when he knows it came from me. Sigh.. now ive got to think of a topic for our beloved Junxian. I dont understand why he needs a topic. Just write what you observed for the two weeks after the 5th issue lah Bro. Its so simple dude. I dont know what else to do for my project. Ive got no mood for it, everytime I want to start on it, a killer headache will engulf my brain. Wait, that sounds weird. Agh. Whatever…you know what I mean..
‘Will to power’, this came from Heidegger or Nietzsche, I cant really remember. But this will drives you to do the things you do. So this makes me think of DID students. I think its not only the will but the paranoia that drives me, and us all. I mean, like in the studio, you know that you have to show drawings but when you see everyone having details and all that stuff, that little-voice-inside goes “Hey, they’ve got details, what the hell have you got? Produce some details you idiot!!” Haha.. you can laugh but I bet this is what you heard.. Well, this voice could be the voice of Abel though.. Hehe.. Since he’s the perfectionist. Ok, going back to paranoia, I don’t feel like elaborating more because you know what I mean. Its in all of us, you just have to observe yourself, what you said, how you talk and your facial expressions. Im not saying that im good at observing myself. Sometimes im shocked when people say that I look as though im going to kill someone.
Hey, this reminds me of the old dude. He was sitting between me and Norain, waiting for her to show him the drawings. That’s when he took my model and moved it closer to him, to visualize what thing, I have no idea. I was trying to draw the perspective that time and he got the cheeks to move it. So I looked at him and waited for him to say something but he just sat back and looked at the model. So I stared at him and he gave a silly face before putting the model back. Then you know what he said, “If looks could kill..” I was like, “Yar, if only”. Hah, whatever lah old dude.. it seems as though im always the bad one and, ya, before I forgot, Norain asked Sabrina who was crazier between the two of us. You know what Sab said? She said that Norain is the loud, open crazy while im the silent crazy and that’s what makes us compatible. My god, that wasnt what I wanted to hear, as far as im concerned, only Norain is crazy. Really.. Hehehe..
Here’s the lyrics to a song that is melancholic and sad but beautiful at the same time. Dont know whether you have heard of it but I recommend it to you guys. Once you listened to it, thats it, you are hooked. I have got to eat , I promise to write in when Im pissed again. Ciao..


I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But its only me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And im the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone, I walk alone
I walk alone, I walk alone

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s bleeding
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Im walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the borderline of the edge
And where I walk alone
Meet between the line
Whats fucked up then everythings alright
Check my vital signs
I know im still alive and I walk alone
I walk alone, I walk alone
I walk alone, I walk alone

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s bleeding
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

I walk alone, I walk…

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And im the only one and I walk alone

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s bleeding
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Green Day-Boulevard Of Broken Dreams
15/01/05, 3PM

Forgotten

Remind me not to stay at home on Wednesdays!!! Really, it’s so damn irritating to have everyone waking you up just to satisfy their curiosity. I mean, if I say I’m not going to school, that’s it lah. Why do they have to interrogate me? Can’t a girl have some decent sleep? I’m so pissed. It’s asphyxiating when people keep asking you redundant questions. My family can qualify as CID’s man, really. No doubt about it.
Let’s talk about mortality, as in death. Why? 3 reasons, the recent Tsunami disaster, TV shows and the sudden chest pain that I had yesterday morning. I woke up yesterday and I can’t move. It feels like my rib cage was contracting, there’s like a vice gripping my left rib cage and my heart. I couldn’t breathe well either, I had to take short breaths. The pain lasted for about 1 min. Hey, it felt like hours. That experience set me thinking, even when I was laughing like a sicko yesterday, about death. Death, it’s inevitable. It can hit you in the face, when you least expect it. Someone you know, someone you met in the streets, even the auntie who sells newspaper at the corner, they will die. You’ll die and I’ll die too. To tell you the truth, I’m not scared of death. I’m worried of what will happen after my death.( I’m not going to talk on a religious tone right now, I’m just expressing my views).
Will I be remembered? Will my family still remember and love me? Will people still remember what I did for my projects? These stuff might sound stupid to you but it matters to me. They say that memories last forever but that’s just bullshit. Your memory can fail you. You will forget. ‘When a person is forgotten, he cease to exist’, that’s what the lady in the lake said to Merlin. That’s what I’m afraid of. Right now I’m trying my best to hold on to the memory of my late grandma. It’s been almost 3years plus and the memories are getting vague. I’m scared to lose her. I mean, I lost her but I don’t want to lose the memory of her. I don’t want to be left with the memory of grandma as grandma. I want to be able to still remember grandma as the heavy smoker who loves to cook bubur cha cha and pulut serondeng for me. I still keep granddad’s picture. I can’t recall anything about him. Mum and dad kept telling me how much granddad loved me but I still can’t remember a thing about him. I just can’t. That’s why I try to remember grandma every day so that I won’t forget her like how I forgot granddad.
I’ll keep on trying to remember granddad. But right now, I’m trying my best to be an original designer. I want people to remember my projects. I want to make a gesamtkunstwerk, so that people will still remember me even 50 years after my death. If I’m not mistaken, Kurt Schwitters said that “art is the spiritual function of man with the purpose of delivering him from the chaos of life”. That is so true, if it isn’t then what’s the point of living in the first place? If you can’t contribute money, why not help make people think of their mortality and the precious things in life. You can laugh at me now for sounding silly but I want to leave a bit of myself to the world. That’s all I can give. That’s all that I have.
That is the reason why I’m so excited over Theory lectures, except the brand lectures lah. Norain makes fun of me when I’m eager for the lectures or the writing of the essay but that’s what I’m interested in and I can’t stop myself from doing what I enjoy. I’m not ashamed to admit that I love talking with the old dude about Theory. There’s just so much to learn from him. There’s so much to learn from all the dead artists, philosophers and architects. I have Nietzsche’s picture as my hp wallpaper by the way. I thank god that I chose this course. Now I’m ready to finally admit that I made the right choice. This is my calling man. I just hope that my insecurities and complacency won’t stop my passion for design and theory. I’ll never stop designing and writing that’s for sure. I know this sounds cheesy but life was meaningless before I joined DID. I know that I complain about the long hours spent to do the freaking model, drawings and panels but I love it. I love every second of it. Haiz…I’m tired and I haven’t even continued on the stupid bloid and my model. But there’s Theory tomorrow, Zafirah’s group will be presenting on the Bauhaus. Hope it’ll be fun. Shit, I just remembered that I have to cook, argh…why…ok I’ll write in some other time, Ciao…

haunting...

Michelle ma belle
These are words that go together well,
My Michelle,Michelle ma belle,
Sont les mots qui vont très bien ensemble
Tres bien ensemble.
I love you, I love you, I love you,
That’s all I want to say,
Until I find a way,
I will say the only words I know that you’ll understand.
Michelle ma belle,
Sont les mots qui vont très bien ensemble
Tres bien ensemble.
I need to, I need to, I need to,
I need to make you see,
Oh what you mean to me,
Until I do I’m hoping you will know what I mean.
I love you.
I want you, I want you, I want you,
I think you know but now,I’ll get you somehow,
Until I do I’m telling you so you’ll understand.
Michelle ma belle,
Sont les mots qui vont très bien ensemble
Tres bien ensemble.
I will say the only words I know that you’ll understand,
My Michelle.

Hah...i love this beatles song...its haunting....

Idiots!!!!

Ok...im trying not to be pissed but the ppl in the next cubby are really irritating...they're a bunch of noisy assholes...they played the stupid i'll be loving you song for like almost 10 times...what the fark man....idiots..sooo...we're taking revenge by playing Franz ferd's song loudly...dont care what they think...they're playing stupid chinese songs in the first place...im not being racist but really,i've never played a malay song in the studio..be considerate lah guys...just because there's a majority of chinese in the studio,doesn't mean that u can dominate the area....ahhh hell to u guys...

Hmmm...

Haiz...im having stomach cramps and im feeling kind of sleepy.Saw the lecturers just now and, they weren't helping at all.In fact they added to the burden that im having righ now.Fine,i'll do my model and we'll see what will happen....i'll just let it flow...i just wish that they'd stop saying "Just Do It".That is so irritating man...

Yeah...

Yes...this new skin is soo nice...too bad the Lain skin couldn't put tagboard in...anyway,i wanna thank norain for teaching me how to edit the template...THANK YOU...
I haven't been feeling well since yesterday...it must be Aimi, spreading her sick virus everywhere....threw up just now...it was soo disgusting man...my head is still numb...feels like something is squeezing the air around my head...haha...i dunno if you've understood what i juz said...i need to sleep...n im kinda hungry rite now....

Blues

Hey...i made a boo boo that day...it wasn't supposed to be Rembrandt...its Cezanne lah...
Hahaha..

Ok, since norain doesn't get what i wrote that day...im gonna dedicate this poem to her..
though it doesn't relate to her at all...this was written at 3 am...nice....

Im drifting away again
alone this time
away from you
away from your problems
your pain was mine
the fears were ours
none of it was
happiness
im trading it all away
just to get away from you
you,your needs
weighing me down
thoughts,you think
all the time
nothing matters
it doesn't matter
im falling
you're craving
for pride,love,ego
its burning me
i need to get away
drift,fly,i'll crawl
away from you
i'll run away
from you...
i'lll disappear forever....