Forgotten

Remind me not to stay at home on Wednesdays!!! Really, it’s so damn irritating to have everyone waking you up just to satisfy their curiosity. I mean, if I say I’m not going to school, that’s it lah. Why do they have to interrogate me? Can’t a girl have some decent sleep? I’m so pissed. It’s asphyxiating when people keep asking you redundant questions. My family can qualify as CID’s man, really. No doubt about it.
Let’s talk about mortality, as in death. Why? 3 reasons, the recent Tsunami disaster, TV shows and the sudden chest pain that I had yesterday morning. I woke up yesterday and I can’t move. It feels like my rib cage was contracting, there’s like a vice gripping my left rib cage and my heart. I couldn’t breathe well either, I had to take short breaths. The pain lasted for about 1 min. Hey, it felt like hours. That experience set me thinking, even when I was laughing like a sicko yesterday, about death. Death, it’s inevitable. It can hit you in the face, when you least expect it. Someone you know, someone you met in the streets, even the auntie who sells newspaper at the corner, they will die. You’ll die and I’ll die too. To tell you the truth, I’m not scared of death. I’m worried of what will happen after my death.( I’m not going to talk on a religious tone right now, I’m just expressing my views).
Will I be remembered? Will my family still remember and love me? Will people still remember what I did for my projects? These stuff might sound stupid to you but it matters to me. They say that memories last forever but that’s just bullshit. Your memory can fail you. You will forget. ‘When a person is forgotten, he cease to exist’, that’s what the lady in the lake said to Merlin. That’s what I’m afraid of. Right now I’m trying my best to hold on to the memory of my late grandma. It’s been almost 3years plus and the memories are getting vague. I’m scared to lose her. I mean, I lost her but I don’t want to lose the memory of her. I don’t want to be left with the memory of grandma as grandma. I want to be able to still remember grandma as the heavy smoker who loves to cook bubur cha cha and pulut serondeng for me. I still keep granddad’s picture. I can’t recall anything about him. Mum and dad kept telling me how much granddad loved me but I still can’t remember a thing about him. I just can’t. That’s why I try to remember grandma every day so that I won’t forget her like how I forgot granddad.
I’ll keep on trying to remember granddad. But right now, I’m trying my best to be an original designer. I want people to remember my projects. I want to make a gesamtkunstwerk, so that people will still remember me even 50 years after my death. If I’m not mistaken, Kurt Schwitters said that “art is the spiritual function of man with the purpose of delivering him from the chaos of life”. That is so true, if it isn’t then what’s the point of living in the first place? If you can’t contribute money, why not help make people think of their mortality and the precious things in life. You can laugh at me now for sounding silly but I want to leave a bit of myself to the world. That’s all I can give. That’s all that I have.
That is the reason why I’m so excited over Theory lectures, except the brand lectures lah. Norain makes fun of me when I’m eager for the lectures or the writing of the essay but that’s what I’m interested in and I can’t stop myself from doing what I enjoy. I’m not ashamed to admit that I love talking with the old dude about Theory. There’s just so much to learn from him. There’s so much to learn from all the dead artists, philosophers and architects. I have Nietzsche’s picture as my hp wallpaper by the way. I thank god that I chose this course. Now I’m ready to finally admit that I made the right choice. This is my calling man. I just hope that my insecurities and complacency won’t stop my passion for design and theory. I’ll never stop designing and writing that’s for sure. I know this sounds cheesy but life was meaningless before I joined DID. I know that I complain about the long hours spent to do the freaking model, drawings and panels but I love it. I love every second of it. Haiz…I’m tired and I haven’t even continued on the stupid bloid and my model. But there’s Theory tomorrow, Zafirah’s group will be presenting on the Bauhaus. Hope it’ll be fun. Shit, I just remembered that I have to cook, argh…why…ok I’ll write in some other time, Ciao…