boo boo

Made a big boo boo, which was carried out about 2 months ago when i was still in my blurry mode and getting used to working alone. Didnt know that it was going to catch up on me. Made Mama Yoda lose a how many thousand dollar contract just because i told the potential client that i was alone and that there is no accountant in the office. Then the potential client told my boss that our company is bankrupt and that they dont trust us with the job. What the fuck. Wait till this new foodcourt project comes out and then she will know that our company is still alive and functioning well!!! Man... yeah its my fault. Urgh....me and my blabber mouth.

For the love of god, im not that daft so as not to know that Mama Yoda has accountants, designers and secretaries hiding somewhere in singapore, london or manila right? I know i can be blur sometimes but not to the point of being that stupid. Its just that i just started work for a few days ( remember this was 2 months ago!!!) and i received a call from someone asking for the accountant and that they want to award a contract to our company and stuff. What was i suppose to say?

So, i guess im going to live with this guilt, this stupid mistake forever huh? Yes. It will haunt me in my sleep resulting in those sleepless nights, and when im eating i will feel like puking and when im watching tv, Mama Yoda's voice will be in the background telling me off. I bet she was refraining from screaming at me by laughing it off. Wow, she's got good self control. Maybe she's preparing to punish me in a horrible, most unearthly way. Maybe she will slaughter me when she comes in for the next visit. Maybe...

she will fire me.............

Weeellll, that's not such a bad idea actually. I could continue doing nothing at home and wasting my life away like nobody's business. But there's always mum and dad nagging at the background.....Life is soooo full of choices, NOT.

Hmm, must remind myself to think before i speak.

Yeah right. I always talk before thinking and it always gets me into trouble, nowadays lah. Cant control it. SIGH....better get back to work, still have london stuff to finish up....

I am sooooo hating my working life.........

test.test

Kosong. Terasa kekosongan yang cukup memedihkan. Hanya tuhan saja yang tahu apa yang dirasai oleh hamba allah yang dinamakan manusia. Walaupun diberikan rezeki yang cukup dan anggota keluarga yang semua sihat-sihat, perasaan sedih tetap menghantui, seperti bayang-bayang yang mengekori hingga ke malam hari. Kadang kala, terasa seperti orang-orang yang miskin, yang terpaksa hidup di jalanan, yang ditimpa bencana, lebih beruntung dari kita. Mereka telah melalui dugaan Allah dan kesyukuran yang dipanjatkan kepada Allah adalah lebih ikhlas dan lebih...it really comes from the heart. Adakah ucapan syukur kita sama atau setanding dengan mereka? Allah saja yang tahu.

Harta dunia takkan boleh dibawa mati tetapi kenapa kita tetap harus mencari dan terus mendapatkannya? Tak boleh dinafikan bahawa status quo zaman sekarang lebih condong ke arah harta kekayaan untuk menjadi orang yang berjaya dan disegani. Tetapi adakah itu yang diinginkan oleh hamba Allah ini? Apakah matlamat hidup dan apakah yang diidamkan? Hamba Allah ini masih dalam kebingungan, seperti hilang arah tujuan.

Apa yang dapat dikatakan ialah hamba Allah ini cuma mahukan ketenangan hati dan kegembiraan. Itu saja yang diidamkan. Walaupun kadang kala pandangan dikaburkan oleh harta(kerana tidak ada manusia yang sempurna) ia tidak dapat menjamin bahawa kita akan bahagia untuk selamanya.

Disini, hamba Allah ingin sedekahkan alfatehah untuk arwah nenek Hajah Dinah. Semoga rohnya dirahmati Allah. You will never be forgotten nek, we miss you soo much.


P.s: Trying to write in malay since its the malay writing week or something, or was it last week? Anyway, i cant help it, its turned out like a sajak or puisi. So, it will be almost 5 years since nenek left us (her death anniversary will be in a few days time). Maybe that's why im feeling an overwhelming sense of emptiness, loss and sadness.

blajjjjjj

What the hell.....

Sometimes i wish i could get away from this madness and this chaos. Its just so frustrating to have to do one job and before having being able to complete it, you get another job being shoved in your face. Its bloody annoying to be picking up phonecalls from people asking stupid questions when you're rushing to finish your work and its really, really, really stupid to have to entertain the people who comes in to quote the place when its NOT MY HOME!!!!

BUZZ OFF!!!!!

SIGH....i really wish i could like, take off or a long holiday but when i get back, i still have loads to do right? Maybe one day i can lead a carefree life where there's no submission. Haizz...Maybe.

What's the use of going back home when there's no food. What's the point? There was food actually, if you call 3-4 mouthfuls of tasteless colored rice(briyani) with a few chunks of tasteless chicken real food. Mum still had the cheek to ask me whether it was enough. HELLO, I ONLY HAD 3 BLOODY CURRYPUFFS FOR LUNCH!!! DO YOU THINK THAT'S ENOUGH?

I didnt bother answering her. Was so fucking pissed off with everyone at home. Maggi mee pun takde. What the fuck right? No eggs, no cooked rice, can you believe it? I felt like going back to work. Mum knew i was sulking because i didnt talk to her at all after having my so called DELICIOUS DINNER yesterday night. Hah, i know you'll call me a spoilt brat but that's just me. I used to sulk the whole day if mum doesnt buy me toys or stuff but now i sulk when there's no food. Trust me, you dont want to piss me off when im hungry. Heck, i dont even want to face people when im hungry.

So many projects, one day i might go cuckoo. Im already cuckoo. Heh, will be going to the print shop to pick up name cards, my colleague's and mine. Hahahhaa, my own name card...Weeee... I only wish that i have my OWN namecard in a few years time. Imagine my name in big bold letters...ehehehe...

This week was bloody busy, followed Mama Yoda to meetings and presentations. Was in a daze after it all. Uncle Bee was laughing at me when i told him about it. Now i know why he's always so mixed up and forgetful. Mama Yoda told me to be confident and not so blur. I have to speak up more and be alert. Have to plan my schedule every week and lots more stuff. Hehehe,she said alot of stuff. I didnt get a hug from her, which i usually get when she comes back from overseas or when she's going back. So sad, was kind of hoping i would get one. NO, im not a lesbian. Its just nice to get a hug from people who are close to you. She's like a mum to me. I always reach home late so i didnt get to hug my mum. Must remind myself to hug her, only if she cooks REAL FOOD today. Hahaha. Ok, am going to peace center now. Ciao cincao.....

Not much work today, since Mama Yoda's in london, i'll be getting instructions late at night cos it'll be morning over there for her. So very sleepy but i cant go home early.Rasa macam makan gaji buta gitu, well, only for the past 3 days lah..

So, had to go novena by train since my colleague, Uncle Bee(name changed to protect real identity) had an appointment. Thought i was late but then Mr kanchiong was there waiting. He didnt realise it was me until after about 10 mins when he was standing at the railing opposite me. I guess i have the powers to merge into the background after all. He came up to me and said

"Hey, u're frm Ao right?Bee going to be late. Wah you look tired."

to which i replied

"Yar, he's gonna be late. Yes abit sleepy."

I just dont know why i always want to laugh when i see him. He just looks so funny. Not weird funny but just plain funny. You know, some people are just funny without knowing it, well, he's one of the rare ones. Everytime he opens his mouth to talk, i'll be trying to suppress a smile or laughter. He's not fat or thin, or walks senget or has gigi jarang like madonna. I dont knowlah what's so funny about him. He doesnt look like a clown but.... Suffice to say, he exudes the funny aura. Man, i can go on talking about this.

Anyway, back to the site visit. Uncle Bee came 10 mins later. We had to go into the site from the outside of the shopping center. We were given helmets which i didnt know how to tighten until after we reached the 3rd storey. Selenge rite? It was fun to be there. All the construction work on the skeleton of the building, the metal works and all that stuff. Felt just like home. But the annoying part was when the construction workers all gawked at me like i was an alien who just dropped down from a spaceship. Just because im female, doesnt mean i cant be walking around at the construction site right? Honestly, these people are so ......

So now, the problem is that we cant have any bulkhead or ceiling feature at the space near the entrance of the FC. The ceiling height was only 2800 due to the piping. God, it was huge that i think i could lie down in there. Now the design will have to change i guess. So sad. But i bet Mama Yoda will surely have ideas, or she'll press me for ideas...

Oklah, its time to go back.Yeahhhhh....but there's work tomorrow....HAIZ..............

llll

Could you hold my hand

and sit here for awhile

on this sidewalk?

Let's forget about the world

about its troubles and the pain

Tell me how beautiful this life is

How wonderful it is

to just be sitting here with me

We'll laugh about how we're bound to this earth

but we still want to soar into the sky

We'll fight over who has the funniest laughter

and then you'll let me win

We'll talk about our dreams and then i'll say

My dreams are as big as yours

Just dont let go of my hand

if you reach it first

short

Haiz.... tired and bored. Same old thing everyday. Alone and always hungry. One day i might just die of boredom and hunger.

Im not that busy but not that free either. A lot of small stuff to finish. Im like hating this foodcourt project in V. Its soo big yet the two landlords still cant finalise on the materials. One still hasnt paid for the fees while the other one only wants cheap stuff but with high quality. What's wrong with these people? In the end its the small insignificant people like me that they put the blame on because the specs and details are not done. Excuse me, YOU GUYS cant decide on the materials and cant bear to part with a few extra dollars for something that hasnt been used anywhere. God, how i wish they would get poor in a blink of an eye.Stupid fickle minded stingy rich bastards!!!!

Next week is going to be BUSY because Mama Yoda's coming back. There'll be a lot of presentations and i have to attend it too. Its weird when she praises me, its like "is she talking about me?" I kept laughing everytime she said i was good or blah,blah. I mean, is she kidding me, anyone can do what i did, most prob even better.

Its just like when we had the sort of meeting with the lectures during year 2 in the old dude's office. I was sitting in front of the old dude and Sab was perched on the table. Then the old dude started saying nice things while Sab nodded and everything that came out of their mouths was like alien language. Its weird to have people say nice things about you and your work when in reality, you dont know if that's you they're talking about. But really, do you know yourself? Im still floating in LaLa land trying to find myself so i guess it'll be 5 years (or more) down the road before i find ME.

Now and then i still miss school. Its the environment and my friends that i miss most. Never mind, i'll try and apply for RMIT. Try to get scholarship or loans to get there. Or i have to work for 1 year first just to save money for the trip there..Bleagh..I really,really,really want to go there.

I just hope that what im doing now is right. Will it lead me to my dreams? Hah, mum says that i have such big dreams. She can still ask me what if i dont achieve it. Well, if i cant achieve any of it, i'll go malaysia and live at arwah nenek nye kampung. Nice. No work for me..

asasas

Miles away

There's hopeless smiles brighter than mine

And I need for you to come and go

Without the truth falling out

Old incisions refusing to stay

Like the sun through the trees on a cloudy day

Telephone

Socially scared and impaired

If the trees will bloom the wind can blow

Without the fruit falling out

Feels like the wind blows

Holding you with us

She takes no other

Falls light and ashes

Blooming like winter

Dry eyes and cracked lips

Under the stone wall

Withdrawn and wishless

And you brighten my life like a polystyrene hat

But it melts in the sun like a life without love

And I've waited for you so i'll keep crying out

Without you

Silverchair-Without You

beautiful

Dealova-Once

Aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah dalam tidurmu

Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yang mungkin bisa kau rindu

Karena langkah merapuh tanpa dirimu

Oh karena hati tlah letih

Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yang slalu bisa kau sentuh

Aku ingin kau tahu bahwa ku slalu memujamu

Tanpamu sepinya waktu merantai hati

Oh bayangmu seakan-akan

Kau seperti nyanyian dalam hati ku

Yang memanggil rinduku padamu

Seperti udara yang ku hela

kau selalu ada

Hanya diri mu yang bisa membuatku tenang

Tanpa diri mu aku merasa hilang....

.... dan sepi....

..... dan sepi....

Kau seperti nyanyian dalam hati ku

Yang memanggil rinduku padamu

Seperti udara yang ku hela

Kau slalu ada....

Kau slalu ada....

They always say that short songs are beautiful. Well, this is one of them. Sad isnt it? You love someone but they have no idea.

what do you know

What do you know?
You know nothing.

It finally sank in. I dont know anything because im not informed of anything whatsoever that has something to do with you old farts and your projects. Can i help it that im as redundant as a speck of dust to you men? No.

"Oh, you dont know about the contractor that your company awarded the work to ar Miss?"

That's like so fucking obvious right? Have i seen you before? No. And no one told me that this was for the office project and not the cafe project. Crap seh. One day, one day i tell you im going to jump off a building.

If Alice does exist, i'd be her best friend. Both of us are always lost. God knows when i will find what i want, if i ever know what i want in the first place. And stop calling the stupid office lah. Im not the receptionist.

In the end, im suffocating inside this hell hole. Literally, its freaking hot. Aircon is busted i guess. Tomorrow is going to be a crappy day too. Meeting with K people on the floor samples.

I wish the ground would open up and swallow me alive tomorrow. What will be the last thing that i see? Old men laughing their heads off and waving their contracts in the air.

asf

Lalalalalalalalala

I will not drink sugarless green tea on a hot afternoon.
I will not drink sugarless green tea on a hot afternoon.
.......

very drowsy, no more hot drinks in the afternoon for me.
feel like sleeping.
YAWNNNNNNN.........

monday meeting and presentation at hospital
tuesday meeting with E at K office for floor samples and quotation
everything in the morning
nice

mr ako drop by again to drop samples.
didnt dare to ask him whether he was .........
im not desperate.
but he looked delicious with his shades on
like mint chocolate chip ice cream on a breezy afternoon.

ciao.

bsf

Why do i get the feeling like im in a sort of secret society or mafia organisation? Its always 'Dont tell this to anyone' or 'Dont give that to client' and even 'Tell them you're leading the overseas team' . Man, one day i might just surrender myself to the police.

Anyway, i bought a bag yesterday evening. Went for dinner with norain at siam kitchen. God, i waited for her for like half an hour. Was a bit pissed off (actually very, very pissed off) at first cos her work place is nearer to bugis but then when she told me what happened, screaming my head off at her would be a stupid idea. So, dinner was nice. THANKS DEQ. After that we went roaming around bugis looking for my bag and norain's shoes. In the end, i got my bag but norain bought pants and a blouse instead.

I was soo deliriously happy that my cheek muscles felt like bursting. Felt like breaking into a huge cheesy grin on the train. Yeah, i always get the heavenly bliss feeling everytime i bought something that i wanted for so long. Haiz..im a happy person, for now.

So, tomorrow's presentation has been post poned. What the fuck right? I wonder how long i can tahan here. If i cant, i'll go backpacking with norain. Just the two of us. Deq, kite rounding malaysia dulu.. Hehehe

I'd better carry on with my work just in case they change the deadlines for other projects.Ciao.