Cogito, ergo sum baby...

I just heard a super lame joke on the radio which is really hilarious due to its lameness...hahahaha. haiz, im laughing alone again...yeah, pathetic, i know..

Anyway, this OT proposal is looking good. Initially i dont know what the hell to design and how to gel everything as per the concept boss has proposed. Of course, she always discusses with me but it didnt sink in at all and i felt like banging my head on the keyboard for the past week. But now, i've gotta say im kind of proud of it..somehow, subconsciously, i have made everything work as per our theme. Or maybe boss is too lenient this time. Ah, heck lah, it looks nice to me. The only thing left now are the 3ds from our other partners. Due to my mediocre 3d skills (im serious, luit might have a heart attack seeing the ones i've done), boss has to ask the guys in manila to do the 3d for me. Yalah, paiseh, i know, but i still cant get the hang of 3ds max. Maybe i've mentally resisted understanding 3d software?? Maybe its all in the mind, like, I think therefore i am.. hmmmm..

It got me thinking. Why do we tend to wallow in self pity? Why the self loathing, why self deprecate, why do we let the negative and demoralising comments people made to us, make us want to give up and hate ourselves? Im not referring to anyone here, these are just some of the things i do to myself sometimes, oklah, all the time... But seriously, i keep saying that i dont give a shithole about what people say, but inside, i keep thinking that somehow it'd be better off to walk off as im tired of trying to live up to people's expectations. Of course, work is more of an obligation, you are expected to excel or do better after every job, but people think its just a snap of the finger. Come on lah, you cant expect me to absorb everything in one go, experience sometimes takes a while to be absorbed and understood kan? And so many things happen at the same time, sometimes, its all jumbled up and i wont even remember what's what, or even what that day of the week is.

And i still dont understand why the hell did i choose design as a career. Sure, i told everyone who asked that design is my first choice and that i want to be a designer, but that's just a mantra that i've been repeating to myself, in order to believe that this is what i want. There you go, i've spilled the beans out here...hopefully i can sleep better at night..but yar, Why Di, Why? Maybe i wanted to be different from the others (friends in secondary sch). But other contributing factors are my grades were only average, my maths sucks, i cant stand science and please dont talk to me about business strategies and whatnots... Haiz, i think its fate. Whatever it is, im just going to keep on going with the flow. Something will come out of it, everything that's happened has made me a bit stronger and also more aware of Man's thinking and action. Cheh...act chim pulak.....

Hey, even though we didnt have the freedom to go out with friends or hang around after school or join my aunt on trips to malaysia, i've realised that we have been given the freedom to choose what we want to be, to decide for ourselves what is right or wrong and to be comfortable being ourselves. I guess there's always a reason for why parents didik(what's the english word again) you the way they do. Wow, i have been slowly understanding the reason behind some of the things my parents did..

tired...im soo tired....