Its been a hectic week. I feel as if i've worked non stop ever since i started work last year. I want to blog more on this but then, it will just turn out like im a spoiled brat, or that i complain too much. So much for pouring my heart out through blogging.

And i've been having these flashbacks of my dreams, everytime im on my way to work. Its like a slideshow, but kind of like a movie trailer. It appears in a few seconds and then it disappears, i cant remember it anymore. Aneh kan? I think the human mind is intangible, our thoughts are like air.

and to add to this weirdness, i have these dark thoughts too. Its kind of freaky, since it involves accidents and ..... i think i'll spare myself the details here, too disturbing.

i wonder when im going to quit and start something totally new, something totally unrelated to design. Yeah, i did say something about design being my calling but somehow, after being exposed to all kinds of 'challenges', be it facing two faced bastards, idiotic assholes, demanding jerks and pushy bitches, i've become tired, of all this. I dont need all this, i dont need to be rushing for deadlines, or trying to psycho people or being nice to them when i dont want to be nice in the first place. Everything i say counts, even my facial expression counts, damn, its always been about my facial expression, ever since secondary school.

Im tired of people judging me, its so idiotic lah i tell you. And im tired of talking to these old people. Its them against me, our world is totally way off, me from planet young adult and them planet old farts.

haiz, i wish i could see you again. Just to see that smile, makes me feel a bit happier and my burden feels a bit lessened.. A bit lah.

Fuck lah, im soo bloody pissed off right now. I have been stuck doing the fucking 2d working dwgs (full set lagi) since monday. The fucking piece of asshole of a project manager went for his NS and now i have to finish it off. We were suppose to share the bloody workload but then the butthead did the RCP semberono aje and its not even correct. My god, i felt like strangling him right now. SOOO PISSED OFFF. He even said that im saboing him by asking him to do up the RCP at the last minute. Hello you idiot, i have been asking for it from you since last week and you kept saying that you've sent over. But its not sent over at all. And everytime i plan for an internal office meeting with big boss, you always cant make it. You're not the only one who's busy in this world!!! AND HOW MANY BLOODY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU NOT TO HAVE THE LIGHTING IN STRAIGHT MODULAR????!!! You're a fucking architect, you took a bloody degree in architecture, you should bloody well know better than me what to detail, draw up, what's the standard, and blah, blah, blah. Fucking bastard seh.

I should be getting your pay you idiot, for this ongoing project at clarke quay, the dwgs are also done by me. The fucking sections that you did werent even detailed. You always wait for me to tell you the material, details and stuff when it is YOU who should be in the office, with me, going through the dwgs and materials and proposing to me the details, not the other way round. ARGH!!!!!

I have a lot of backlog for other projects, im going to die, clarke quay project is going to turn out like a piece of crap. And then everyone will blame it on me for not sending things on time. HOW CAN I HANDLE THE DWGS, MATERIALS, CHAIR PROPOSALS AND ALL THAT SHIT ALONE? AND ITS NOT ONLY ONE PROJECT, ITS 3 PROJECT RIGHT NOW, INCLUDING FUCKING GRAPHICS!!!!


SOMEBODY KILL ME PLEASE. Or rather kidnap me lah...


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I read KX's blog about today being the last friday of the year. It just makes me feel so sad. We're closing one chapter of our lives and opening a new one. 'Leaving' 2006... its like leaving your love. Well, i dont know how it feels like to leave your love but anyhoo, im getting into the melancholic and reminiscing mode now, so bear with me.

This year has been crazy, what with trying to stay sane and finish up DID, then graduating, then thinking and planning for the 'future' and then getting shoved into the working life. Work has been crazy as well, no doubt about it. Lost a few relatives, 3 grand uncles passed away. Lost weight due to work (this is good actually, i can finally proudly proclaim that i can fit into a 25 inch jeans. HAHAHA). Lost my mind a couple of times. Lost hope. Loss, that's what 2006 is all about. And i just got to know from mum that the old man's company will be shutting down on 28th February next year. So that's one more loss. Im just wondering, anymore losses for me within these 2 days before 2007 comes barging in the front door?

Yeah, i know, that wasnt funny. I want to laugh but it feels like i might just cry out instead. The laughter and the tears are stuck together. Mum told me she's stressed out right now. That's so like her, to be stressed out over things like these. I know, this is a serious issue but its not the end of the world. There are other jobs out there, its just a matter of finding it.

It feels like im carrying the burden of the world on me. I feel so lonely, very lonely actually. I dont know who i am anymore. Who is Diana, Nana and Di?I feel like i am 2 or 3 different people each day.Its like im acting out what each character will do, say or feel. What the fuck, im not making sense now.

I've realised that im the sentimental one. I never liked throwing away stuff, especially papers with notes, scribbles, sketches, numbers and doodles. I never threw away notebooks, especially the half filled ones. I never threw away birthday cards, shopping bags, empty perfume bottles, receipts, letters from BFF's in primary and secondary school, yearbooks and even blurred photos. I always hold on to the thought or the idea that these things are valuable and will be of use in the future. I still kept the unused wood from past projects, and i tore apart my t3 from year 2 (it was a tough decision, either the whole model goes or it stays, but in pieces). I kept the my onto too, i dont know what for since its cheapo wood. But yeah, i tend to hold on to things which relate to other memories.

Man, this entry is boring, so lets tukar channel pulak. Oh, people usually write new year's resolution right around this time right? I wrote one once during year 1 of DID. I can still picture the layout on my black notebook and my scrawny handwriting all over, though i cant remember what i wrote. What i can remember is that i didnt get to achieve most of it. So i'll just make a new list for next year, even though i might forget about it in a couple of days.

Resolutions for the YEAR 2007

1. Buy more jeans
2. Lose a few more inches off my waist and thighs
3. Curl my hair when it grows longer
4. Buy the Gola shoe that looks sooo coool.
5. Get a new pair of specs.
6. Buy the books, cds, dvd which i had intended to get (built upon love by alberto perez gomez, the cabinet of Dr caligari, just to name a few)

ok, ok, these are the serious resolutions...

7. Save money, save money, save money!!!! ( just in case i nak kawin ke ape, HAHA, actually this is so that i can go Uni lah)
8. Take driving course, 3d course (to brush up on my bad 3d skills) and maybe journalism course (who knows i might be a journalist or something, haha) Note to self: this is depending on whether i have the time and money.
9. Learn to shedule my time properly, do up daily working schedule every friday, organise my files in an ORGANISED manner.
10. Try to smile more (like real, i've nothing else to write lah)

Yeah, so that's it lah. I wanted to write 'get a boyfriend' at number 10 but that just seems so wrong, and not to mention desparate, so, yar. Here's wishing that hopefully the year 2007 will bring joy to everyone, and may everyone be more patient, courteous, strong willed, and yada, yada, yada.

I pray to God that He gives us the strength, courage and patience for whatever He has planned for us.

BO

Nothing much to write since nothing much happened. Well, we sent my Pak ngah and mak ngah to the airport on Christmas morning. They were going for Haj, just like norain's mom. Reached pak ngah's house at around 10 plus at night, and we chit chatted and joked around. Boarded the rented bus at 12pm and reached airport around 1pm. It was bloody packed, until counter 11. And then we waited in front of counter 5 while taking pictures with my uncle and aunt. I went off in search of norain, to meet her mum before she berangkat. Walked to counter(or isit gate?) 1, but they werent there, so we walked all the way to counter 11. Managed to talk for awhile but we went back to our group since the gate da buka. Tears were shed. Not mine lah, my other aunties and my mum's. I feel sad, to watch them go but i hope they dapat menunaikan fardu haji dengan sempurna. Insya Allah.

There was a bit of gossiping. One of my aunt didnt go. Said she had high fever. Like, hello, mak ngah's sister was also very sick but she came to send her sister off. Kelakar kan? Tak tahulah apa nak cakap lagi pasal orang2 macam ni. Bile bukan sedare, susah payah pergi rewang, bile sedara sendiri nak pegi haji pun takleh jengah sekejap. Maybe die tak happy tak? maybe pak ngah beleter pat die or something. Ape taknye, anak die berkepit ngan BF pat majlis orang kahwin anak sedare makcik aku yang lagi satu. My makcik yang eldest ade company karaoke, so anak die was there to nyanyi. Skali die bawak matair die. And berkepit pat sound system area where everyone is looking at. I was there so i know lah. My mum was giving me the what-the-hell-is-she-doing-berkepit2-with-a-guy kind of face but i told her to shut her mouth(haha, sorry mak). My eldest aunt muka tak happy. My uncle pulak tak cakap ape2. Tak malu ke buat bende macam tu depan mak sedare, bapak sedare. I mean, they are our elders, kalau da kawin tu nak berkepit ke, nak sepak2 peha ke, bolehlah, ini baru matair2.

ok, im not saying im a saint but doesnt that shows how much, or little, respect you have towards your elders? Pak ngah and pak long saw it too. I think they reached the majlis after my mum and i went off. I had to drag mum home cos i didnt want her to mengumpat and not reprimand. Kalau buat bodoh aje da kira bersubahat kan? Lebih baik ciao. Anyway, a week before, my eldest aunt, my mum and i visited Pak ngah's house. And he expressed his tak senang hati over what he saw. He said that tak kisah pakai skirt or rambut perang asal hati kita bersih, asal kita tak buat bende tak senonoh. Well, i think that's what he said lah. But this doesnt mean that he supports dye hair and the wearing of short skirts.

Anyway, mum told me that pak ngah's menantu was staring me the whole time. I was oblivious of course since i was fallin asleep due to the over exposure of old people's talk. Anyway, mum said that she looking at me with the bad look. Macam jealous or something. And i went like huh? Apeny yang die nak jealous? She's prettier than me and the rest of our sedare, except for kak mic lah. Hehehe, i told my mum, maybe die jeles tak due to the fact that she's married with a kid and im still single. Mwahaha, jahat jugak mulut aku. Tapi ini kenyataan. Bleagh. I want to watch princess hours, im hooked, totally hooked. Semalam balik keje jer terus tengok dvd die. Dari pukul 9 lebih sampai 2 pagi. Power kan?