i've realised that whenever im stressed, exhausted, dont have enough sleep or just about to go crazy, there are 3 things that i needed the most...

(not in order of urgency)
1. CHOCOLATE
2. CASHEW NUTS
3. ICE COLD NESCAFE

But i forgot that a combination of cold nescafe and an empty stomach (not really empty since i was gobbling 2 hotdog rolls into my mouth) is a VERY BAD combination. At first, i was full and satisfied, then i got high (caffeine rush) when i reached bedok, then i got nauseous when i took the bayshore bus. I had to control the urge to throw everything back out so all the while from bedok to bayshore(i took the long bus route to marine parade), i kept a very scrunched up sick face. I must have looked damn weird. So, everything came out in chunks just now.... EWwwww..... Why am i writing about this? To remind myself. So DI, IF YOU READ THIS BACK, WHATEVER YOU DO, DONT DRINK COFFEE ON AN EMPTY STOMACH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, what i wanted to start out for this entry was...

OH MY GOD!OH MY GOD!OH MY GOD!

Yeah, i just heard a snippet linkin park's new single. Finally my prayers have been answered, they are coming up with new stuff. I should laugh back at the old dude for doubting my favourite band. HAH! to you old dude. The world premiere or whatever of their new single is on 2nd april, 7pm on 987fm. WOOOOT...i wrote it in my calendar to remind myself...haha...and then next month, Arctic monkeys new album will be out too. And i'll be going to Manila, klau takde ape2 yg menghalang, for 3 days...for work purposes...so there ARE things to look forward to next month..my life is not so boring after all..

oh yeah, pay nak dekat masuk...i need to pay hp bills, set aside money for barang dapur and i need to get nabila (norain's niece) a nemo plush toy which i promised her last sunday. She is the cutest thing on earth. So chubby, so clever, so CUTE!!!! SO ADORABLE!!!!!!! and she like to bit people's fingers..hahaha, she tried to grab my earrings cos it was so shiny, and then she got pissed off cos i took her orange plush toy... you should have seen her face, all scrunched up and red...hehe...maybe i will post her picture here when i have the chance..

and its MY fault????

Im a bit kecil hati at what MD wrote at the chat board. She asked if i had said something to Pm to make him send a depressed email to her. Like wtf, i know i can be crassy, blunt and a bit insensitive to other people's feelings at times, seeing that i only mix around with beruks and am living in a cave(yar rite), but it doesnt mean that i go around demoralising people, especially a GUY, a 34 year old guy to be exact, and then drive him to depression. Do i look or sound like i am capable of doing that? HELL NO!!! The worst i can do to a guy is maybe just, i dont know, curse him upside down, well, some guys are immuned to this so i dont think that counts. But yeah, the thought of me having the 'power ' to do that is just so absurd, its like the idea of hearing a cat laugh...HAVE YOU HEARD A CAT LAUGH??!!

Anyway, the point is, im pissed off. Because he wont tell MD the truth, that he's tired of all the politics at KPT and that the job scope and the pay isnt tallying or to be exact, isnt fair...To tell you the truth, ever since he joined us, he wasnt that excited about the projects at all, and instructions were just instructions. Yeah, i know, kind of like how i react to the projects sometimes but only when im tired. He does this everytime, there's no passion or sense of ownership...whateverlah, it feels like im throwing back the water at my face(frankly speaking, i dont know what this means). I want to tell this to MD but it feels wrong, if Pm feels that way, HE should be the one to tell her, im not going to be the kepo 21 yr old and i have no time to be the middle man/girl. This whole hoo ha about him going into depression is stupid man. He doesnt look like he's going into depression, he just doesnt want to get involved, he wants to ESCAPE from this, nak quit,nak cabut. He told me this about 2 months ago i think,saying that he cant take it. You're a man, BE A MAN.

I have been slipping in and out of depression( i think) yet nobody gives a fuck, well people asked but i cant say it right? I cant say its horrible since it might only be me who's overreacting and exaggerating when its not that bad. Its almost like incubus' song sick sad little world;

'no you're not the first to fall apart, but always the first one to complain'.

Everytime i want to whine or complain, this phrase keeps ringing in my ear. Its annoying. i hate it, i have to watch what i say or do, keep looking over my shoulder. Its like a fucking war zone everytime we go for meetings which involve KPT. A stupid fucking game that KPT's Pm plays to annihilate me and the rest of the small people in the world. Seriously lah, i dont care if you're a racist pig, just dont make my life miserable and then pretend like you're a bloody saint and that you had no hand whatsoever in the plan to frame me. Pk asked me why i allowed myself to be an easy target. I felt like saying to her that i minded my own business but people are just so attracted to me, mcm syok gitu nak kenekan aku...banjingan betul...

i think i need to read books, maybe reading inferno back will help to soothe my soul...

i felt like it do here i am

The bbq was fun, too bad it wasnt windy and that we DIDNT SWIM AT ALL!!!! Can you believe it? we were at the beach the whole day and we didnt swim..damn...but i ate a lot, i stuffed my face from 4pm onwards until night time...then i went to the loo a couple of times because i stuffed my face with all the gassy drinks...hehe, i think i might have just gained a few pounds, NOT! I couldnt really sleep cos the street lamps were shining in my face and cos i miss my bolster...booooo....and the next day when we went home, my body ached. Maybe its due to the fact tat i was scrunched up like a prawn when i did finally fall sleep...thanks for the info norain...

Anyway, the BIG day is in 72 days time. Yeah, the BIG DAY...and i havent done up their poster...and also havent sent my songket to norain's mom. Im so excited, ALL of us are so damn excited... i wonder what my cousin is feeling right now, in about 2 months plus, she'll be all married and attached. How does it feel huh? Excitement? Anxiety? Nervousness?Maybe i should do those wedding journalism thingy, where i take photos 1 week before, until the big day and then do interviews and then compile it into a BIG portfolio...sounds like a great idea but i dont have a SLR to take photos...nevermind, there's always my(mum's actually) digicam...tak standard but at least there are photos...wahhh, so exciting....

im thinking of dyeing my hair, a dark shade of brown..actually, i brought the dye, its dark blonde, u noe like the hazelnut color..hehehe, i dont think it suits me but whatever man. I had the impulse to cut my hair short that day and then to dye it but i didnt. So now i have helmet hair and i look so cute...hah, yar rite..mum was pissed off lah when i brought up the subject of hair coloring but she cant do anything. MD is excited and told me that i should dye my hair before we go off to Manila for the design fair, she doesnt want mum to assume that she influenced me to do such things...apejer org tua nie..

I dont know why some people dont really like people who have dyed hair (like mum for example) Stereotyping kan? I mean, if i've dyed hair, doesnt mean that my akhlak buruk kan...yelah, its not good in the first place to dye hair but it doesnt mean i sleep around or smoke/drink or tak balik rumah 4/5 hari ape...aku pun tak kurang ajar ngan org tua kan? I just want something different for awhile..i know my limits...haiz, i know im not a saint lah...

So, i will....
1. dye my hair tonight, i think..
2. remind myself to get arctic monkey's latest album which will be out next month..
3. go to the toliet to look at my hair again...;p
4. pay my hp bill...hehe, gue lupe lah..
5. watch the old malay movie later on tv

Wisdom my foot

FUCK YOU WISDOM TOOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

throbbing pain on my right gums, stupid assholic of a wisdom tooth finally decided its time to come out after almost half a month of hiding. Fuck you lah, i cant eat, i cant close my mouth i cant do work as the pain is throbbing its way up to my right hand side of the brain. If im ever gonna get you out, i'll smash or grind you to powder... ^$*%*&^$@(*^$)*@$