maybe, the reason why we're feeling guilty when we read back and all we've talked or blogged about is about ourself, is because all these while, these bloggings used to be in diaries or journals where no one would get access to. Where no one would know how shitty we feel, how stupid or how proud we get at certain situations and how lonely we feel when everybody has that special someone next to them and we dont. Its because now, we know that others are reading and also judging us. And maybe this makes us insecure. As for me, although, i've said countless times that i dont give a fuck's arse what people think of me, for that one second, it does hurt when people see me as a fool, a bitch, a selenge, or even just a girl. We ARE only humans. Humans have FEELINGS. And though there's the language barrier, i know you're talking shit about me, just by looking at the way you talk and your facial expression.

Have you ever wondered whether you are living in the matrix? Yeah, lame but seriously, im starting to think that everything is fake. I've attended meetings where i sit and listen to people talk and i went like 'What the hell am i doing here?' . This equation doesnt fit, work=money=food. But in work, there's crap+blood+tears+frustration+etc,yada,yada,yada. Im not saying that we dont have to work but some people are just so damn assholic, its like, are you from earth or did hell just decided to spit you out? And im not expecting a fairy tale or the good always overcomes the evil, but you have to understand, life is already stressful enough with having to deal with workload and thinking about the sinful thing we call money, i dont need more stress coming from you. You, who is also going through the same thing as me and the rest of the working population on Earth. God knows how much pleasure you people derive out of demeaning people and shouting at them across the phone just because of some stupid chair.

Seriously, i dont need all this. And i definitely dont need to be facing people who hears voices saying that we are badmouthing about them to other people. But then again, its just work, at the end of the day, i dont get to spend the rest of my life with them, so that's one of the comforting thoughts.

In conclusion, this entry makes no sense at all. So bite me.

Hardy har har..

Thanks to those ppl who remembered my birthday and sent birthday wishes through friendster and sms. It means a lot to me guys. So, thanks, i will try not to forget your birthdays..hehe.. Im sick today, actually, since yesterday, at batam. Heh, it was a really pleasant surprise to have Marinah's aunt bringing out a chocolate cake and then for the rest to bring out the presents. Haha, if not for the fever, i would have been jumping up and down with glee. But it was a nice short trip, though i overspent at matahari and had to change money again to pay CT...hehehe, next time, count what you buy Di...Well, when im rich one day(as if), i will buy a house near the beach for mum and dad, let that be their weekend house. Mum can sleep and cook and do whatever she wants while dad can do gardening, keep pet birds or have a large aquarium or something.

Hmm, dont know what else to blog, my head still blahdy hurts like crap. Yesterday was fun even though the shopping part wasnt satisfying enough.I loved the beach, the sun and the sea breeze. Reminded me of late granny's kampung. Reminded me of her. And reminded me of him whom i've forgotten a long time ago. The familiar which looks unfamiliar. How do you resurface or actually, get back the lost or repressed/suppressed memory of someone? How?

05/02

LEEEEEEE...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (girly girl scream)

Guess who i am in love with right now? No, you dont know? Its, its, its that korean hottie from My Girl series. Yeah, i know that was last year's show but bloody hell that Lee Dong Wook is super duper cute. His lips are soo kissable. Yeah, i know im gushing over him like mad and you might want to puke after reading this but i cant help it. He's sooo dreamy. And those lips makes you blush, its red and pretty like a girls lips. Makes me jealous and hooked on him at the same time.

So if you ask me, what do i want for my birthday this year, NO its not chocolate.

A kiss from Lee Dong Wook would be so sooo FINE. Hahahahahaha


Yeah, dream on Di... Sigh..........i love you, Lee Dong Wook... im serious.

Im turning 21 next week, and it feels like nothing actually, that is until she asked me this question last night, a few minutes before we had dinner at our usual makan place.

MD: Have you ever been in love?
Moi: Err..no... (oh no, not this conversation again..)
MD: Really? You've never been in love?
Moi: No... (in a resigned voice)
MD: You're turning 21 next week and you've never been in love? What about crushes? Have you had them?
Moi: Yeah, in high school...(HAIZ......)

And it made me think. About love. What is love? Love is affection, attraction. Are my feelings for him love? Nope, not really, i think its more on infatuation. Infatuation, is a foolish or extravagant admiration towards someone. Hah, if i tell her about this, she will definitely think im super dee duper weird, weirder than what i am right now. All thanks to bapak lah. He just had to make it seem like im from another dimension. Now she really believes that im weird. Im not weird kay, just, different. Maybe i will strangle his neck when i see him on monday, at the new school of design launch. Oooooh, i hope lehning will be there..I miss his cute, brooding, sulky, thinking ,frowning face...hehehehe.. eheheheh.... ;p

Anyway, I had quite a shock on tuesday, when i received an sms that Ayah was admitted to NUH. Went straight to NUH after work, kelam kabut aku naik teksi dari bouna vista. Found out that he almost had stroke, his hands were seba and his mouth dah macam senget. So he had to go for xray and some other tests. I hope nothing's wrong with him. He has the largest family (5 kids), he's the funny one, the one who likes all the family members to get together for gatherings and the one who gets along well with my dad. He's mum's younger brother, a year apart and that makes them close. Both of their immune system are not that good, senang sakit lah both of them, and kalau dorang sakit, mesti sakit teruk. Hmm, family ties, however hard you try to break the bond, you cant deny the fact that its still there wherever you go. Eh? What the hell am i blabbering about?

So im still high on Muse, have been listening to them on my mp3 non stop since the gig. I need new music. By the way, where the hell has Linkin Park gone to? I miss Chester's voice and his cute face. Have they disbanded or something? Haiz, what a waste.

Ahh, i forgot to add that she asked me what kind of guy i would fall for. She'd like to interview him before he can date me..ahaha. I think im really popular (yelah tu..) since everyone wants to be the first one to be introduced to the guy, except for my parents lah. Hehe, wait long2 people, it will take a few more years. If i found the right one, i straight away kawin lah....Hahahahaha. But its funny that my mum doesnt ask me which type of guy i like. She only asked if i wanted a grand wedding or if im ok if my sisters get married before i do (which is fine by me actually). Or maybe she already knows yet she doesnt want to tell me that she does. Hmmmm..

Haiz...I know its quite early to be thinking about this, but what do i wish for, for my birthday? I still dont know yet. I have this problem every year that day comes near. And every year, i never wished for anything for myself. But i bet that turning a year older will not make much of a difference to how i feel, talk or behave.

And teng teng, if you're reading this, i want to say that im abit shocked by what you wrote back. Well, not shocked, more like jolted back to earth. I, myself sometimes do not know what i am sad or angry about. Sad isnt it?

Maybe i AM going crazy.